Oh Fudge It's The Cops
A Sweet Victory, Or Bitter Defeat?
Earlier today, the small community of Cocaoton was the scene of a terrible monster attack.
A creature later identified as a ‘Chocolate Golem’ emerged from a local chocolate factory and rampaged through the town. The Equestrian Royal Guard was dispatched to the scene and was unable to contain the damage, necessitating the intervention of Princess Celestia herself.
After subduing the creature, Princess Celestia reminded all those present that it was important to remember restraint and moderation when eating dessert. She has also pledged emergency funding for all those displaced by the tidal wave of fudge.
While no ponies were seriously injured in the attack, the destruction of the Cocaoton Chocolate Refinery is expected to cause supply shortages in candy and chocolate products, an especially sour note with the upcoming celebration of Hearts and Hooves Day.
Prince Blueblood sighed and put the paper down in front of him. He felt exhausted, at least partly because he hadn’t gotten any sleep since the incident. The photo on the front page stared back at him. The Princess’ hoof-picked anti-monster team, covered in chocolate and looking like they crawled out of a latrine. Another debacle at the hands of SMILE.
“You look like you could use more coffee.” The Minister of Agriculture said. She motioned to her aide, and the unicorn assisting her with the reams of paperwork put the forms back down on the conference table.
“I could use a vacation. What’s the point of having a special unit if Auntie still has to step in and take care of the monster herself?” Blueblood asked. He caught the eye of one of the junior cabinet members and tilted his head. The stallion ran off to get him a cup from the coffee pot in the corner of the room.
The Minister of Defense was an ancient pony covered in scars. Not from combat. He’d spent his whole life avoiding that, which was why he was trusted with the job. He was simply terribly unlucky. “Where’s the head of the anti-monster unit? He was only recently promoted, wasn’t he? What’s his name? Shining Armor? He seems sort of young to have that kind of position.”
The Minister of State shrugged mildly and adjusted his thick glasses.. “Monster hunting is a young pony’s game. Besides, the Princess says he’s got talent.”
Blueblood scoffed. “Which Princess, the one in charge or the one he’s dating?”
“Hopefully for his sake, both of them. Where is he? I assumed the unit would want to be here to argue for a budget increase. Or at least to expense the laundry bills to remove chocolate stains.” The State Minister squinted and peered around the room as if Shining Armor might be sitting in the wrong seat somewhere.
The Minister of Defense picked up one of the papers in front of him, the official report on the incident that was duplicated in front of all of them. “According to the reports, while Princess Celestia dealt with the spirit’s main manifestation, the SMILE anti-monster task force actually found a way to imprison it in the factory’s chocolate roasting oven.”
“That’s one mean bean machine!” quipped the Minister of the Interior. She was the youngest full Minister, extremely attractive, and consequently was the one trusted to actually speak to reporters about current events.
Blueblood ignored her and focused on the Minister of Defense. “What’s your point?”
The stallion shrugged. “Even if they didn’t get good press, they did solve the real problem themselves. They performed well. If they’d had a little more firepower they could have dealt with the monster itself, too.”
“We should have sent in the Wonderbolts,” noted the Minister of Weather, Representative of Cloudsdale, and inheritor of a half-dozen titles that didn’t mean anything to ponies who lived on the ground, even as high up as the rarified air of Canterlot.
The Minister of Defense scoffed. “You say that about everything. You wanted to send the Wonderbolts to flush out that Diamond Dog incursion in the south! They live underground!”
“They wouldn’t expect an aerial attack from underground,” the pegasus countered with the kind of impeccable logic that would have gotten a lot of ponies killed in an earlier age where his titles gave him actual authority instead of extra fluff to pad out his resume.
The Under-Secretary of Homeland Security cleared his throat, leaning forward from the second row of chairs, set just far enough back from the table that it was clear they weren’t quite allowed to sit at it. “There are other options if we’re willing to explore them.”
The Minister of the Interior shook her head. “You’re not going to argue in favor of mercenaries again, are you? What would it say to other nations if we had to hire outside help just to manage internal security?”
That got a nod of agreement from the Defense Minister. “Especially if we hired griffons. They’ll find a way to charge us twice for every monster!”
“Speaking of which,” the Minister of State noted. “We need to discuss the aid the Princess promised. You know State Policy is that her word is law.”
The Minister of the Interior shrugged, waving a hoof dismissively. “She didn’t promise an exact number, we can be flexible with it.”
The Minister of Agriculture motioned for her aide to pass a form around the table. It was a signed and dated open letter. “I want it on the record that I strongly object to rebuilding the factory. We don’t know what attracted the creature to it in the first place. We could end up repeating this disaster if we’re not careful!”
“Didn’t you push a motion to have chocolate banned for sale to foals?” Blueblood asked.
The earth pony huffed and folded her hooves, glaring him down in the way usually reserved for dire foes. “I think the fact that some kind of chaotic spirit manifested out of it is strong evidence that I was right to call for a ban.”
The Minister of State nodded. “It’s not unreasonable to have a study done to confirm or deny the danger regardless of our personal feelings on the matter.”
“Seconded,” the Agriculture Minister immediately added.
Blueblood sighed. “All in favor?”
There was a quick show of hooves, and no need to count given the overwhelming majority.
He marked something down on the paper in front of him, tapping a pen against it. “Motion passes. We’ll also need a study to see how much aid is needed for rebuilding homes, but we’ll need to immediately secure funding for housing, medical care, and other necessities.”
The Minister of State raised a hoof. “I suggest we create an expense account and defer repayment for now. If we use already-approved vendors, they’re contracted to wait up to three months before we start incurring interest.”
The Minister of the Interior nodded along. “I’ll second that. The faster we start putting hot meals into ponies, the faster we can turn around the press coverage.”
Blueblood looked around the table. “All in favor? Motion passes. Next, we were going to discuss--”
The door to the room opened, and a minor functionary, not even important enough for Blueblood to look at, ran into the room, stopping next to his chair. “Sir, I’m sorry to interrupt…”
He whispered into the prince’s ear. Blueblood’s expression changed.
“What? They’re where?”
“The good news is, it hasn’t left the field,” Sweetie Drops reported. She lowered the binoculars and hopped down from the ladder somepony had set up to allow access onto the sturdy shed’s roof, turning to face Shining Armor. “The bad news is, I count at least a dozen pod ponies in a circle around it.”
Shining Armor leaned against the shed door frame, thinking. “Pod ponies?” he asked. “Duplicates or mind control?”
Sweetie Drops glanced towards the field. “They’ve got flowers growing out of their heads. Probably mind control.”
The cause of the disaster sat in the middle of a field, the plants growing tall enough that they towered over the assembled anti-monster task force. The nearest stalks were starting to yellow.
“It looks like a giant pumpkin,” Persimmons said. She yawned, the batpony lifting the edge of her sunglasses to rub at her eyes. “Can we set the stupid field on fire and go home? It’s a plant, it’ll burn, right?”
Shining Armor shook his head. “It’s got hostages. We can’t burn the field with them in the way.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” the bat sighed.
“Then why’d you ask?” Sweetie Drops asked.
“Because it’s the wrong end of the day and I’d love to go home and nap,” Persimmons sighed.
“We could all use some sleep,” Shining Armor said. “That includes the ponies standing out there in the field. They’ve been going for at least a full day without rest. So, no fire. What other options do we have?”
Sweetie Drops shrugged. “We’ve got Steel Haze checking with the local weather team. They might have some options for us.”
“Don’t bother!” the pegasus called out, landing at a jog and sighing with annoyance. “I was hoping we could pull enough ponies together to get a late winter storm or snap freeze, but there is no local weather team.”
“I know I saw a name,” Sweetie Drops said. She grabbed a manilla folder from her saddlebags, flipping through it and looking for details.
Steel Haze snorted. “Yeah, but it’s not a proper weather team. It’s weather management. They let wild weather happen and mitigate the effects on the ground. They’re all earth ponies!”
“So we can’t swoop in and grab the hostages unless we want to do it one at a time,” Persimmons sighed.
“We don’t even have an accurate count on the number of hostages involved,” Steel Haze said. “They called Fish and Wildlife before they called us.”
Sweetie looked up. “For a monster attack?”
“The mayor thought they could deal with it without having to call in the Guard,” Steel Haze said. He shrugged. “You can’t blame him. Most monsters just need to be scared off with some loud noises.”
“This one’s not going anywhere,” Sweetie said. “It made itself at home.”
“It’s a plant monster. We need something that will knock it out without hurting anypony else,” Shining Armor said. “Fire will get ponies killed. Ice might be just as bad. They’re not in good shape. What else kills plants?”
“I could ask my brother to take care of them for a week,” Persimmons joked. “He can’t keep a houseplant alive for longer than a day.”
“If we make a call to Cloudsdale we could get heavy cloud cover,” Steel offered. “No sunlight.”
Sweetie shook her head. “Look at the field. Half the crop is dead or dying already. It’s draining what it needs from them, that’s why it hasn’t moved on. Besides, that’s too slow.”
“If we’re this tired, think of how bad they’ve got it,” Shining Armor agreed. “We can’t make the hostages wait a week. We’ve got maybe another day tops before they’ll have serious problems.”
“Call in the regular Guard and blitz it?” Persimmons asked.
“Too likely to get the hostages hurt. If that was a real option they wouldn’t need us to begin with. We’re supposed to be able to help without getting other ponies killed. We need to think outside the box.”
“Outside the box…” Sweetie mumbled. “Steel, you said they only do weather management here, right? No real team?”
“Yeah. Winters have to be awful.”
“I bet they are. This is an area that gets a ton of snow.” Sweetie said. “If they don’t schedule storms, they must have some way to deal with ice and snow, right?”
“What are you thinking?” Shining Armor asked.
“One old earth pony trick is to use salt on ice to melt it faster and provide grip,” Sweetie said. “It gets used a lot in towns to clear streets. I bet that giant squash out there wouldn’t like it much if we salted the earth around it. All those yellow plants mean it must be sucking everything out of the ground.”
“And that means the salt will affect it even faster,” Shining Armor agreed, nodding. “That shouldn’t hurt anypony, either. Let’s go see what we can do.”
Blight Strikes Candycane Cross
The quiet town of Candycane Cross was the site of a terrible monster attack that reached its climax early this morning. Experts from the Royal Guard suggest that the creature, called a Defiler Squash, had been growing in the town’s local sugarcane field for several days. Local farmers who investigated the unusual plant became enthralled by it and fell under a spell that compelled them to tend to it.
The Equestrian Fish and Wildlife Service (EFWS) were the first on the scene, and were unable to evict the monster from the fields. Locals report that the Royal Guard response was delayed significantly, only arriving after multiple reports to the Crown requesting aid.
Once they arrived, the Royal Guard integrated their efforts with the brave local first responders and, with the aid of the regional weather management team, implemented a plan that freed the enthralled ponies from the control of the Defiler Squash. The creature itself was weakened and captured, and has reportedly been taken into custody.
Unfortunately, in the aftermath of the monster attack, several fields of prized, mature sugarcane were lost. It is unknown at this time if this is a result of the monster’s activity or the Royal Guard’s response. The Crown has pledged to send agricultural experts to evaluate the situation and work with the local farmers to restore the fields of Candycane Cross.
“The result was the loss of the entire crop of sugarcane,” the Under-Secretary finished, looking up from the report.
“But we got all the ponies home safely,” Shining Armor reminded her. “I consider that to be a successful operation.”
“My Aunt would agree with you,” Blueblood said. “She’d also thank you for dealing with this while she’s involved with the negotiations in Yakyakistan. Once the reports actually get to her, I’m sure you’ll get a commendation directly from the princess.”
Shining Armor nodded. “Thank you.”
“However, she also enjoys her little treats,” Blueblood continued. “And that crop was important.”
“It represented a significant part of sugar production,” the Minister of Agriculture noted. She motioned, and her aide passed paperwork to the others in the office. “The crop was a total loss. Salting the earth like that also makes the field almost unusable for the medium-term. It will be several seasons before it can be used again.”
“The crop was already dead according to my experts,” Shining Armor said.
The Minister of the State was quiet, reading through his copy of the after-action report. He paused and looked up, adjusting his bifocals to look out over the room instead of at the page. “He’s probably right about that. The creature was growing like a parasite. It leeched everything out of the soil and the entire field.”
The Minister of Defense held up a report with a distinctive crest on it, a stylized dragon in a birdcage. “According to the Tartarus Impound Committee’s tactical group the monster was called a Defiler Squash. It drains life-force from plants and uses animals to protect itself.”
“The TIC-TACs encountered them before?” Shining Armor asked.
“They really don’t like being called that,” the Minister of Defense reminded him.
Shining Armor let out an annoyed breath, nodding to the Minister in acknowledgement. “That would have been good to know before we went into the field.”
He nodded. “We’ll need to make sure there are lines of communication between your groups. They have significant experience with monsters.”
“Right now we need to focus on our response to the loss of this crop. The monster is gone, that’s old news. What next?” The Minister of the Interior asked, the young mare not even having touched her paperwork.
The Minister of Agriculture cleared her throat. “It’s going to lead to a sharp increase in the price of sugar. Domestic production was always strained. That could cause a run on shops and further issues unless we take action now. I have a proposal here for a sugar tax, starting small and increasing over time. My forecasters say this will ease consumption and keep it on the shelves.”
“By pricing ponies out of the market?” the Minister of the Interior asked.
The Agriculture Minister shook her head. “The tax burden will mostly be on industries using a lot of sugar. Candy, bakeries. That kind of thing. Nothing essential to the economy. You’ll still be able to get honey for your tea, but the price of sugarcubes will have to go up.”
The young mare rolled her eyes. “I don’t think we’ll make any friends if we’re literally taking candy from foals.”
Blueblood tilted his head, keeping his expression neutral. “I have to agree. Auntie Celestia always cautions about fast, drastic responses to problems.”
The Minister of Agriculture flipped to one of the pages in the report, tapping on it angrily. “The field got salted. We’re not talking about one failed crop, we’re talking about years before it can be productive again!”
Blueblood looked up from his copy of the report, picking up a single sugarcube from the tea cart in his magical aura and considering it, rotating the cube and thinking. “What’s on shelves and being processed already will last us… how long? There’s months between harvest and the final product being out on shelves, right?”
The Minister of State was already on the part of the report. “Up to a year and a half to completely process sugar.”
The Agriculture Minister huffed in annoyance. “Which we can use to implement this tax! It can be the new normal, ponies won’t even know anything’s wrong. More than that, it will bring in money. My proposal earmarks the funds for school lunches and other food aid.”
“A tax might push farmers into other crops. Too high and it’s not worth producing. You know just as well as I do that they run on tight margins.” The Minister of State closed his copy of the report, looking up from it and removing his glasses.
The Minister of the Interior made a humming sound, sitting back tapping her chin. “We could put some of it into a fund for the farmers producing sugar cane to help them transition to another crop.”
“I could get behind that,” the Minister of Agriculture agreed.
The Minister of State held up his hooves. “At that point we’re having to patch every solution with more and more changes just to stabilize!”
Prince Blueblood put down the sugar cube he was holding, looking up at the assembled cabinet. “What about easing import tariffs?”
The Minister of Agriculture shook her head. “They’re already too light. You’ll undercut domestic markets. The farmers are already hurting. You want to bankrupt them?”
The Minister of State cleared his throat. “We could guarantee a price floor and establish a sugar reserve. Private interests would have to buy above that price floor, so the price would go up a bit, but we’d be the most attractive market.”
“As a dumping ground for junk food from other nations?” The Minister of Agriculture scoffed, folding her hooves.
The Minister of the Interior pointed across the table at her. “No, that’s not a bad idea. We can use a reserve like that in case there’s another bad crop in the future. We do something similar with grain already, right?”
The Minister of State confirmed with a short nod. “And cheese. It’s that or let extra milk spoil, and the cows depend on those milk sales.”
Prince Blueblood nodded. “That means the legislation already exists and only needs to be extended to other crops. That’s a lot easier than a new tax, especially with public perception. Have some proposals drawn up and I’ll present them to the Princess to get her approval when she returns. Thank you all for your time.”
“Sorry, it ran late,” Shining Armor sighed. He gave his mother a hug and stepped into the house. “I don’t know why they even wanted me there.”
“That’s part of your responsibility as a leader,” his mother said. She adjusted his mane, rubbing a spot of dirt off his forehead. He was sure he hadn’t been dirty before but a mother could always find something to clean.
“To read so Prince Blueblood and the Cabinet don’t have to?” Shining Armor asked.
“He has trouble with words that have too many syllables,” Cadance said, the young princess walking into the room carefully, making sure not to trample the very excited foal at her hooves. Twilight ran up to Shining Armor, yelling for his attention.
“Shiny!” she shouted, pressing her face against his chest in a big hug. It wasn’t long ago that she wouldn’t have been able to reach that far and she’d have to settle for squeezing his fetlock. She was growing fast.
Shining Armor knelt down to let her get her hooves around his neck, swinging her around onto his back before standing back up. He wouldn’t be able to keep doing that for long if she kept growing, so he had to enjoy being a big brother while he could.
“How’s it going, short stuff?” he teased.
“You almost missed my birthday,” Twilight accused, puffing up her cheeks. “It’s bad enough that Princess Celestia couldn’t come because of international stuff.”
“Your brother has a very important job,” their mother said. “Almost as important as Princess Celestia.”
“Cadance told me you wrestle monsters!”
Shining Armor laughed. “Yeah, that’s about right. This one took a while to wrestle down because I had to make sure nopony else got hurt while we were fighting.”
“I know the best brother in the world could handle it,” Twilight declared.
“He’s one of the bravest ponies in Equestria,” Cadance confirmed.
“Only one of the bravest?” Shining Armor asked. “I thought I was number one!”
Twilight pursed her lips. “The Masked Matter-horn is the bravest. You’re around number four on the list.”
“I can’t compete with the Power Ponies,” Shining Armor conceded. “But I bet they didn’t bring you a birthday present. Think that might affect my rank?”
“It might,” Twilight agreed imperiously. “But we have to cut the cake before we open presents!”
“But it’s already- you didn’t have to wait for me,” Shining Armor said, embarrassed. “It’s almost your bedtime!”
“I wasn’t going to finish my birthday party without my brother here!” Twilight declared. She hopped down, and their mother caught her before she landed, letting her down gently. “Let’s go eat cake!”
She ran off, and Shining Armor shook his head, smiling.
“She’s a lot easier to deal with than the cabinet,” he said.
“More mature than some of them, too,” Cadance agreed. “Hopefully mature enough that she won’t throw a fit.”
“About what?” Shining Armor asked.
“Well, you know how chocolate cake is her favorite?” Cadance asked.
Shining Armor groaned.
“It was an important party,” Cadance repeated.
“It was a foal’s birthday party, Cadenza,” Blueblood sighed. “You need to be able to prioritize. I know Auntie doesn’t mind you avoiding real work, but…”
“I don’t avoid work,” Cadance retorted. “We’re about to do real work right now.”
Blueblood nodded in concession. “You’re right. It’s real work, so please take it seriously and watch your words. This is the second most dangerous thing you can do as a public figure.”
“Talking to the press? What’s the most dangerous thing?”
“Letting ponies find out you’re not perfect,” Blueblood said quietly. He opened the castle door, stepping into the meeting room. The reporter from the Canterlot Times was already at the conference table, standing up when the door opened to greet them.
“Hey there,” she said, offering a hoof to shake. “Thank you so much for meeting with me.”
“We’re always happy to talk with you reporters,” Blueblood lied. “The Canterlot Times stands as one of Equestria’s pillars. My Aunt has your paper delivered directly to her even when she’s on the road, so I hope you say nice things when you write this up.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Cadance said. She tried to shake the reporter’s hoof and it turned awkward when the reporter bowed politely instead. “I’m afraid I don’t know your name. Or, well, I probably know your name, I just haven’t had a chance to match your face to your name.”
“Sans Serif, senior reporter. You haven’t had a lot of interviews have you?” the reporter asked. “I know Princess Celestia keeps you out of the spotlight.”
Princes Blueblood tilted his head, giving Cadance just enough side-eye that she realized she needed to be the first to act. She sat down, and Prince Blueblood and the reporter followed after. One of the castle maids stepped out of the special kind of invisibility that a pony got when they were several social levels below the highest-ranking ponies in the room and set cups of coffee and tea on the table.
“Princess Cadance is undertaking other duties and avoiding confusing the chain of command,” Blueblood corrected. “You know how it is. It’s terrible when a pony has two bosses and they start giving conflicting orders.”
“Actually, that’s what I wanted to ask you about,” Sans Serif said. “The chain of command. You’re the head of the Royal Cabinet, correct?”
“That’s correct. All of us in the Royal Cabinet are honored to support and advise the Crown.”
“And to act with Princess Celestia’s authority when she’s not available,” the reporter noted. She made some notes in completely impenetrable shorthand. “Some of us at the office wanted to know how Princess Cadenza fits in when Princess Celestia is away. Do you take orders from Princess Cadenza?”
“She has the Royal Authority,” Blueblood confirmed. “The law is clear on this. Tradition says that she’d at least consult the cabinet, but ultimately she could overrule us if needed.”
“Could she appoint new members to the Cabinet, or remove ponies?”
“I could,” Cadance said. She smiled. This was one of the questions Blueblood had given her the correct answer to. “If there was an emergency and somepony needed to be replaced, I could appoint somepony to fill the position.”
“Princess Cadenza could even replace me, but I hope I’m doing a good enough job that she doesn’t need to,” Blueblood said, making it sound like a joke.
“Some ponies have suggested that the recent increase in monster attacks are a consequence of Princess Celestia’s absence. Do you have a reply to these concerns?”
“I’d remind any ponies that are concerned about Princess Celestia that she’s on a diplomatic mission, not on vacation. She’s working hard and we want to make sure Equestria is returned to her in good condition,” Blueblood said. “The last thing we want is for her to have to rush back and fix things.”
“Would she be angry?” Sans Serif asked.
Blueblood and Cadance shared a look.
“Worse,” Cadance said. “She’d be disappointed.”
“Carob just isn’t the same,” Shining Armor sighed. He poked at the slice of cake on his desk. He’d taken it to work to be polite, and it looked great. It was also the same flavor as a really healthy pencil eraser.
“Sorry about the party,” Steel Haze muttered. He flipped a paper from one pile on his desk to another.
“It could have been worse. I brought Twily an extra book to make up for being late, and she got distracted enough by Daring Do that she didn’t notice it wasn’t real chocolate.”
“Why not see if Persimmons wants it?” Steel Haze asked. The pegasus was working his way through a stack of forms, sorting them into piles.
Shining Armor looked up hopefully. The batpony across from Steel Haze in the small office shook her head.
“Sorry,” she said. “Maybe if it was vanilla. Or pineapple. Or strawberry. Why did you bring it if you hate it so much?”
“It’s the last slice. Twily wanted me to have it. Mom fed most of the leftovers to Spike.”
Persimmons shook her head. “That seems like animal abuse.”
“Dragons aren’t animals, not even when they’re babies. Besides, he loved it!”
“Dragons eat rocks, it’s not surprising they like stuff that tastes like dirt.”
“You’ll eat durian but not carob?” Steel Haze asked. He tossed the next form into the pile that marked it as garbage.
“I only did that in the office once!”
“Because there was an official complaint.”
“Speaking of official complaints, my sister isn’t the only one affected by this. How did this become a shortage so quickly?” Shining Armor asked. “I know we caused some collateral damage, but you’d think we ordered every candy and chocolate factory in Equestria to shut down. The Minister of the Interior wanted authority to expose SMILE just so she’d have a scapegoat to throw at the press!”
“Seems like bad timing,” Persimmons guessed. “There are a lot of seasonal factories that only open around this time of year and near Nightmare Night. They make stuff like those little candy hearts with messages on them. What are they called?”
“They’re called conversation hearts,” Sweetie Drops said, stepping into the office and closing the door behind her. “If you’re thinking about confessing to somepony, it’s going to have to wait. I’ve got bad news and we’ve got places to be.”
“How bad?” Shining Armor asked. Before she could answer, his phone rang.
“I’ll get the usual kit packed up,” Steel Haze said, standing up and trotting to the closet.
“Let’s bring the cake, maybe the monster will want it,” Persimmons teased.
Shining Armor rolled his eyes.
Panic at the Distribution Center!
The Port of Neigh Orleans was wracked with terror today. A flying creature attacked late in the afternoon, damaging several ships and destroying cargo shipments. A Royal Guard division was dispatched after the local police cordoned off the area, quickly capturing the monster and restoring peace to the city.
Mayor Mudpuppy expressed his deep appreciation to the Guard for their quick response to the crisis and credited them for their dedication to avoiding putting civilians in danger. He denied rumors that there was extensive damage caused by the battle against the creature.
“There was some damage to the port facilities, but that’s just the equipment doing its job,” he explained to the press. “A fire extinguisher is there to be used, not to hang on the wall like a painting.”
The Neigh Orleans port authority says that shipping will resume shortly after a small delay to make repairs to the harbor and replace a damaged crane.
“So you actually saw it come out of the ship?” Shining Armor asked, a few hours later. He poured another drink for the pony sitting across from him. The sailor nodded.
“Aye. Don’t know whose boat it was. Haven’t seen it in the harbor before. Piece of junk that looked barely seaworthy, didn’t pay it much mind as long as it wasn’t going to drift into my boat. Then that… thing came out of it. What did you call it?”
“Snallygaster,” Shining Armor reminded him.
“Right. Thing was like a half-bird, half-lizard with a bunch of tentacles coming out of it. Awful beastie. Anyway, it broke out of that old ship’s hold. Tore straight through things, wailing and gnashing its beak. Sort of thing that might drive a pony to drink.”
He wiggled his bushy eyebrows. Shining Armor took the hint and poured him another dram.
“Do you remember anything else about it?” Shining Armor asked.
“I didn’t want to look at the awful thing. But…”
“But?”
“It had a collar on. I think it might’ve been somepony’s pet. It was hard to tell with the tentacles, but it might’ve been dragging a lead around. Like it’d been chained up.”
Shining Armor looked past him to Steel Haze.
“I’ll check with the port authority to see if we can get any information about the boat,” the pegasus said. “Maybe we can find the owner.”
“Be careful,” the sailor cautioned. “There were some unsavory types around that ship.”
“Unsavory how?” Shining Armor asked.
“Real sailors don’t wear armor, but these ponies did. Full suits with helmets and everything. Almost the same types you guards wear.”
“Almost?”
“They were the wrong color, and they had a symbol on them, uh, let me see if I can remember…”
Shining Armor poured him another drink. Sweetie Drops flipped over the paper she was taking notes on and offered him the pen and paper. The sailor nodded appreciatively and scribbled something on the page. Sweetie looked at it and then up at Shining Armor.
“Thank you,” Shining Armor said. “That’s a big help.”
He stood up, pushing the rest of the bottle over to the sailor, who took it gratefully.
“Take Persimmons with you,” he told Steel Haze. “In case there are any of those… unsavory types.”
Steel Haze nodded and quickly made for the door with the batpony. Shining Armor followed them, frowning and obviously deep in thought. He didn’t stop walking until he was well outside, stepping out of the way to let dockhands get past him and go inside.
“What do you think it means?” Sweetie Drops asked, when she caught up to Shining Armor halfway down the block.. He stopped and held up the sketch, looking at it again. It didn’t look any better in daylight.
Shining Armor glared at the sketch. A dragon in a cage.
“It means something strange is going on,” he said. “A Snallygaster. Not a dangerous creature but… it seems sort of like a weird coincidence, right? They’re attracted to sugar like giant hummingbirds.”
“The ship full of sugar beets kept it busy.”
“Yeah, that gave us time to get down here and take care of it, but not until it ate that whole shipment,” Shining Armor agreed.
“Look on the bright side, that meant the Snallygaster was too heavy to fly away while we collapsed that crane on top of it and trapped it.”
“The real break was getting it drunk to keep it happy while we shoved it in the cage. And that the mayor doesn’t blame us for breaking things.”
“We’re lucky it wasn’t worse,” Sweetie reminded him. “They love alcohol even more than sweets. One of the largest rum distilleries in Equestria is only a few blocks away. If it had caught that scent instead of the beets, it could have caused ten times as much damage.”
“You’re right. We got lucky. That could have made the chocolate factory look like foal’s play.” Shining Armor crumpled up the paper. “When those two get back we’ve got a train to catch.”
“You’ve got a plan?”
“I’ve got the start of a plan. I’ll figure out the rest on the move. I don’t enjoy feeling like somepony’s one step ahead of us. Let’s see if we can catch up.”
“Lieutenant Armor, this is an unexpected pleasure,” Commander Carceri said, shaking the younger unicorn’s hoof. “Can I offer you or your soldiers some coffee?”
“That’s very kind of you,” Shining Armor said. He sat down on the couch across from the Commander. “As you know, the Royal Cabinet made a request for my task force to work more closely with your group.”
“Ah yes,” Carceri nodded. “I didn’t expect a visit so soon. Or without warning. As you know, Tartarus is a prison. In the future, we’d appreciate some advance warning before you make a visit. For security reasons.”
Carceri glanced up from Shining Armor at his task force. Sweetie Drops was carrying the bulk of their paperwork, and even that seemed like enough to weigh her down. Persimmons and Steel Haze flanked a cloaked pony who seemed like the only one of them who’d managed to come to the meeting without a layer of road dust covering them.
“I apologize for our appearances,” Shining Armor said. “We’ve been busy lately. We haven't had any downtime since our last mission.”
“You need to be careful not to run your ponies ragged,” Carceri cautioned. “I know you were only just promoted, but taking care of the needs of the ponies under your command is the most important part of being a leader.”
“You’re right,” Shining Armor said. He nodded appreciatively as the Commander poured coffee into a few paper cups, passing them out among the small task force.
“No sugar?” Sweetie Drops asked.
“It’s tradition here to take our coffee black,” Commander Carceri explained. “We use good quality beans. You want to be able to taste them.”
“Thank you,” Shining Armor said, grimacing a little after taking a long sip of the bitter drink. “For the coffee and the advice.”
Commander Carceri nodded. “So as you know, the Tartarus Impound Committee manages the confinement of monsters brought here by the Princess. Or by your group, I suppose. We’ll probably want to work together to share expertise. If you’d like, I can make files on all our guests available for you.”
“That’s not necessary,” Shining Armor said. “I know you must be busy. You’ve gotten three monsters in just about as many days.”
Commander Carceri shrugged. “We’re never too busy to help our fellow soldiers.”
“That’s good,” Shining Armor sighed. He took another sip of the coffee then put the dregs down on the table in front of him. “We only need help with one little thing, if you have the time.”
“If there’s anything we can do, we’d be happy to help.”
“I want to know how the Snallygaster got out,” Shining Armor said pointedly.
Carceri froze for a moment, then laughed. “I’m not sure what you--”
Sweetie Drops threw a file on the table between them.
“This is a report on the Snallygaster’s attack.”
“I didn’t know you’d filed one yet,” Carceri said. “I haven’t had a chance to read it.” He reached for the report, and frowned when he saw the date.
“Sorry, let me rephrase that,” Shining Armor said. “A report on its first attack, from the pine barrens outside Manehattan twenty years ago. After which, it was imprisoned in Tartarus. Under your watch.”
Carceri’s hoof froze on the report. “Ah.”
“Commander, I’m temporarily relieving you of duty while we investigate this,” Shining Armor said. “Sweetie Drops has the paperwork for it. We’ll be conducting a full inspection of the facility. I can promise you we’ll be fast and fair. If you don’t know anything, we’ll find the ponies who are behind it. If you do know something, we can offer you leniency in return for your cooperation.”
“Amnesty?”
“Leniency. Best I can offer. We know the Snallygaster came from here. We suspect several other monsters did, too. You either failed to keep them locked up or you deliberately let them go, and either way there are going to be consequences.”
“You don’t have the authority to do anything,” Commander Carceri said. He stood up and glared at Shining Armor. “You can claim whatever rank you want, but it doesn’t mean a bucking thing here!”
“I don’t have the authority,” Shining Armor agreed. “That’s one reason we stopped in Canterlot.”
“To get this paperwork to try and push me into a corner?” Carceri sneered.
“No, to bring the authority.”
The cloaked pony took off her hood. Carceri’s expression fell when he saw the young mare.
“Please cooperate, Commander,” Princess Cadance said. “I don’t like having to put my hoof down like this, but I will if I have to. I’m asking you to surrender yourself to investigation.”
“You aren’t half the Princess Celestia is,” Carceri hissed.
“Half is more than enough,” Cadance said quietly. “Please don’t make me put my hoof down, Commander.”
Carceri sighed, hung his head, and promptly bolted out of the other door on the other side of the room before anypony could stop him.
“Wait!” Shining Armor cautioned, before Steel Haze could get through the door after him. “Don’t run off! We need to stick together! We don’t know how many ponies are involved. I doubt he released that monster all on his own.”
“Right,” Steel sighed.
“Don’t worry, big guy,” Persimmons said, punching his shoulder. “Once we catch up to him I’ll distract the Captain and let you have a couple rounds in the ring with him.”
Shining Armor looked back at Cadance. “Steel, you’re on point. Sweetie and I will cover the Princess. Persimmons, you’re the rear guard. Everypony stay close so I can bubble you if we run into trouble.”
“You sure your girlfriend won’t be jealous there’s another mare watching your butt?” Persimmons teased.
Sweetie Drops scoffed. “You can watch mine instead if you need something to focus on.”
“Shiny does have a nice butt though,” Cadance agreed.
“What are the rules of engagement?” Sweetie Drops asked.
“We’ve got a Princess, that means we outrank anypony who isn’t an explosives expert at a dead run,” Shining Armor said. “We order them to stand down, use minimum force needed to make them comply.”
“I would have preferred maximum force,” Steel said.
“I know, that’s why I made sure we got orders to the contrary,” Sweetie snorted.
“Spoilsport,” Steel sighed. Steel poked his head out into the hallway, looking both ways. “Clear,” he reported. He opened the door wide, kicking it aside.
The pegasus led the way to the next turn in the hallway and skidded to a halt, the rest of the team almost crashing into him.
“Not clear!” he yelped.
Right around the bend, what had to be most of the soldiers in the base stood at attention, holding polearms and shields at the ready in a phalanx.
“Your turn,” Shining Armor said, looking at Cadance.
“Right.” She cleared her throat, speaking loudly and clearly. “In the name of the Crown, I order you to stand down!”
Cadance spread her wings. When the guards didn’t immediately move, she stomped her hoof and glared at them, trying her best to look intimidating despite being half the age of the average soldier facing her down with a poleax and a dozen years of experience fighting monsters.
The dark-armored guards looked at each other and stepped aside, forming a corridor for the team to run down.
“Thank you!” Cadance called out, as they jogged past them.
“Don’t thank them too much,” Persimmons huffed. “They should be helping us arrest Commander Carceri, not just twiddling their hooves and waiting to see how things play out.”
“You can’t blame them,” Shining Armor said. “Most of them probably don’t know what’s going on.”
“You think any of them haven’t noticed him letting monsters out?” Persimmons countered.
“I think I’m not going to accuse anypony without evidence,” Shining Armor parried.
The corridor opened up, letting them out onto the dock they’d first arrived at when they got to the military base, a cavern built around the river flowing through it, with a cargo boat and piles of crates and supplies in carefully organized rows.
Commander Carceri had gotten there ahead of them, and instead of going for one of the small skiffs or single-pony boats, he was arguing with one of his own guards.
“It’s a really bad idea, sir,” the guard said. He held a heavy, ancient keyring to his chest, taking a step back from the pony in front of him.
“Don’t try and tell me when I’m having a bad idea!” Carceri shouted.
Commander Carceri tore the keyring out of the other guard’s hooves, bolting to the cages at the end of the loading dock and aiming for the biggest one, unlocking the padlock holding the door shut.
“Listen!” he called out. “Get rid of these ponies and I won’t stop you from leaving!”
The creature inside stirred, turning glowing eyes on the small pony. It uncurled from where it had been sleeping.
“You want to go free, right?” Carceri asked. “They’re the only ones in your way!” He pointed to Shining Armor.
The monster followed his gaze, glared at the task force, then took a step out of the cage, spreading stiff wings as it roused itself.
“That’s it,” Carceri said. “Now--”
It roared, backhanding him with a talon as large as the commander’s entire body. The guard went flying, smashing into a teetering pile of crates. They came down on top of him, burying the commander underneath a thousand pounds of tinned vegetables and tea bags.
The guard he’d taken the keys from was smarter about things, bolting for cover. He jumped over a box full of spare armor and stopped, apparently deciding it was the best he was going to do for the moment.
“That idiot,” the guard swore. He ducked down behind the crate. “He let the bugbear out!”
“Bugbear?” Shining Armor asked.
“Like a regular bear, but bigger and with an extra pair of legs and a poison stinger. It’s been a problem inmate since we got it a few years back.”
“I’m surprised any of your inmates aren’t problems.”
“Most monsters get used to us after a couple years. Even the dumb ones learn seeing us means they’re about to be fed. The bugbear never stopped trying to attack us every time it saw us.”
“And that’s the one he thought was going to help him?” Shining Armor asked.
“Maybe he’s not actually a great leader,” Sweetie said.
“We pulled the bugbear cage out for transport because we were going to take it to experts for its behavioral issues. Just our luck, it’s the one most likely to kill us all!”
Persimmons smiled. “Well lucky for you, we brought some extra firepower!”
“We did?” Shining Armor asked.
“We have an alicorn!” the batpony motioned to Princess Cadance. The pink alicorn waved nervously. “Go ahead, Cadance! Blast that big ugly thing!”
The bugbear growled, beady eyes narrowing. It charged, flying straight at them until it smashed face-first into Shining Armor’s hastily-cast shield spell. It slid down the curved surface and picked up a crate, smashing it into the barrier and roaring.
Steel Haze shrunk down, trying to find more cover. “Uh, I think it heard you.”
“So? It’s about to be blasted into next week!”
There were a few seconds of silence. Relative silence. The bugbear was still roaring and smashing things, which was actually quite loud.
“Actually, and wow this is embarrassing…” Cadance cleared her throat. “I know Aunt Celestia is good at the whole… explosions and fire thing. I never learned how to do those spells.”
“How about lightning?” Persimmons suggested. Cadance grimaced and shook her head. “Ice? No? Uh…”
“I could throw rocks at him,” Cadance suggested.
“We’re definitely going to die,” the TIC guard groaned. He adjusted his helmet, pulling it down over his eyes so he wouldn’t have to watch.
“You know, you’re all being very negative about Princess Cadance, she’s a great pony,” Shining Armor said defensively. “You’re great, Cady. Don’t let them get you down.”
“Thanks, Shiny. There is one thing I can do but it’s… something Princess Celestia told me not to do. It’s practically forbidden magic!”
“She’d make an exception for lives being in danger, right?” Sweetie Drops asked.
“Oh, definitely,” Cadance agreed. “She always says rules don’t matter when lives are on the line and they’re getting in the way. Aunt Celestia would never let red tape strangle a pony.”
“Whatever you’re thinking of doing, do it fast!” Shining Armor said. “I don’t know how much longer I can hold this shield!”
“Okay, but maybe leave this out of the official report?” Cadance asked hopefully. She offered everypony a nervous smile and flew up into the open, channeling magic into her horn. The bugbear, focused on a weak spot it’d found in Shining Armor’s shield, was starting to tear into the soft spot, ripping up layers of enchantment and protection. The entire structure of the ward started to flicker and fail.
Cadance’s horn twinkled like a star in the sky, the light growing stronger until it shone as brightly as a flare.
“I’m really sorry about this!” Cadance yelled, over a whistling hum growing louder in the air, very much resembling a tea kettle coming to a full boil.
The shield ripped apart, tearing like fabric before flickering and dying. The bugbear took a step forward past where it had been.
Cadance’s spell hit it in the face, the blinding light sending it stumbling back into a pile of smashed crates. Splinters flew into the air, months-old military rations spilling across the floor, all dented cans and freeze-dried pouches.
“You got him!” Persimmons said. “I knew you had it in you!”
“It might be a good idea to stay back,” Cadance warned. “I’m not sure how the spell is actually going to affect him, I’ve never used it on a creature like this before.”
“No time to lose, then,” Sweetie Drops said. She ran for the creature, picking up a fallen coil of rope along the way. While it was dazed and moaning, the earth pony started tying it down, trying to restrain it. “We need to get it back into a cage!” she yelled.
“She’s right,” Shining Armor said. “Steel Wind, take-- what’s your name, soldier?” he asked the TIC guard.
“Rattan Cane,” he said.
“Great. Take Rattan with you. Get a cage open, and the rest of us will herd it in the right direction while it’s woozy. I don’t know what Cadance threw at it, but it looks disoriented. Persimmons, you guard Cadance, I need to use my magic to bubble that creature and help Sweetie Drops move it.”
“Yes, sir,” Steel and Persimmons said, at almost the same time. They snapped off salutes, Steel Wind pulling the TIC guard to his hooves and getting him moving again.
Shining Armor nodded and turned to the creature. He had to figure out how to do what he just implied he knew how to do.
“Be careful, Sweetie Drops,” he cautioned. “Get out of the way so I can cast an inverted shield on it!”
“One second, sir,” Sweetie said. “I need to tie this knot--”
The bugbear moved, snapping the cargo rope without any apparent effort. Sweetie Drops looked shocked. The monster looked… well, it looked directly at her. And then Cadance’s spell kicked in. The bugbear’s eyes flashed with blue light, and a twinkle of magic danced in a crown around its misshapen head.
“It’s going to--” Sweetie squeaked, freezing up. The bugbear drunkenly licked her. “Taste me for seasoning?” she guessed.
It grabbed her before she could run away, her confusion making her slow. It pulled her into a hug. Not a deadly bear hug. The kind a pony might give a stuffed toy. It started gently rocking her.
“So, funny story, the only magic I’m good at right now is love magic,” Cadance said. “I’m not even great with telekinesis, but I can, um…”
“You made it fall in love with her?” Shining Armor asked. “I didn’t think your magic could do that.”
“Officially, it can’t. Please keep this a secret. It’s too much like mind control, which is very, very illegal.” Cadance gave him a nervous smile.
“I wouldn’t turn you in, Cady, you know that. But what do we do now?”
“The spell won’t last forever, but the monster should be pretty receptive to following suggestions, as long as they come from the right pony.” She looked at Sweetie Drops.
Sweetie grimaced, then forced herself to smile. “Honey bear, could you carry me over towards those cages in the corner?” she asked. “I need to… check something.”
The bugbear rumbled assent and plodded towards the cages.
“How long will that spell last?” Shining Armor asked, watching Sweetie convince it to step inside the biggest sturdiest cage, which just so happened to have bars far enough apart that a pony could squeeze between them.
“I have absolutely no idea. It could be years, but it’s going to be really upset when it wears off and realizes it was tricked.”
“Yeah?”
Cadance winced. “Imagine finding out the pony you loved was a monster tricking you all along. Like that, but worse. And it’s the bugbear eats ponies to begin with, so it isn’t really likely to react well.”
“A problem for future me,” Shining Armor decided. “Right now I’m happy with locking it up and leaving it there.”
“What about Commander Carceri?”
“Find some hoofcuffs that are the right size for a pony. Once we dig him out of those crates I’m going to have some questions about just what’s going on around here.”
“There’s no record of an interrogation here,” the Minister of State said, skipping ahead in the report Shining Armor was delivering to the cabinet. “Should I assume something happened that prevented speaking with him?”
“It wasn’t included in the packets that were delivered before this meeting,” Shining Armor said. “I apologize, but it was a deception on our part.”
“A deception?” Prince Blueblood asked. “I hope you have a good explanation for this.”
“I do, sir,” Shining Armor assured him. “We were able to extract a confession from Commander Carceri in exchange for offering him early retirement instead of prosecution. He won’t be drawing from the Guard pension, but he won’t be going to prison either.”
“You don’t have the authority to make deals like that,” the Minister of Defense said. “That’s a decision only the Department of Justice can make.”
“The Crown ultimately has control over it,” Prince Blueblood noted. “I’m assuming you had Princess Cadenza arrange this as well?”
Shining Armor nodded. “Yes, sir. The appropriate paperwork was filed with the Department, under a temporary seal to prevent leaks.”
“I admit, I’m becoming very curious about just what all this is about,” Prince Blueblood said. “You have us on the edge of our seats. For your own sake, I hope it’s worth the wait.”
“According to the testimony of Commander Carceri, we found that all of the recent incidents - the chocolate golem, the defiler melon, and the snallygaster - involved monsters deliberately released from Tartarus.”
“For what purpose?” the Minister of Defense asked.
“You can ask the Minister of Agriculture, who I see is trying to sneak out of the back door,” Shining Armor said, looking to the back of the room. The earth pony froze, her hoof on the door handle. Sweetie Drops pushed it closed when she tried to pull it open, moving in front of it and making her take a step back.
“I have no idea what you mean,” the Minister said.
“Your aide was late today,” Shining Armor told her. “That’s because we pulled him aside and had him corroborate the testimony we already gathered. You personally ordered these monsters released.”
The Minister looked down at her hooves. “Darn him… I should have known he didn’t have a sick grandmother! I was going to send her a fruit basket!”
“The one thing I’m not sure about is why you did it,” Shining Armor said. “You deliberately sabotaged a crop, a large shipment of imports, and a factory. Why?”
“Because candy is immoral!” the Minister snapped. She stomped her hooves and glared at the assembled cabinet. “I am trying to save the foals! Do you know how many ponies will suffer from cavities and poor nutrition because of the decadence of our society? What ever happened to snacking on some celery or rhubarb?”
“She introduced all those bills…” the Minister of State mumbled.
“This is going to be a public relations disaster if word gets out,” the Minister of the Interior groaned. “I need to make some calls.”
“Thank you for your service, Lieutenant Armor. Could you step outside with the… former Minister? I trust the guards in the hall can assist you.”
“Of course, sir.” Shining Armor saluted, and he and Sweetie Drops flanked the Minister of Agriculture, walking her outside.
“You did well, Lieutenant Armor,” Princess Celestia said. She picked up the teapot in her magic, refilling his teacup herself. They were alone in her quarters.
“Thank you, Ma’am,” Shining Armor said. “I was just doing my job.”
“Yes, but you did it well. The Minister of Agriculture has been convinced to step down due to stress. She’ll be taking a long vacation somewhere quiet, with a lot of guards and no candy at all. I chose her for her position because her special talent was nutrition, but it seems that became an obsession for her.”
“I think she was trying to do her job as best she could,” Shining Armor said. “She did care, but nopony supported her bills on banning sweets or imposing extra taxes, and she decided to take things into her own hooves.”
“It’s a delicate balance. Do you know what I’ve learned about power, Lieutenant?”
“It’s easy to abuse?” Shining Armor guessed.
“It is. So it’s important to know when not to use it. For example, I could fly around Equestria and find every monster that might threaten ponies and personally throw them into Tartarus. Do you know why I don’t?”
“Given how much work I’ve had to do since you made me the head of SMILE? You wouldn’t have time to do anything else!” He chuckled.
“You’re not wrong about that,” she agreed, her laughter like bells. “Everypony knows monsters are real, but they have to learn that they can be defeated. It’s not always easy. Sometimes ponies get hurt in the process.”
“Does it ever get easier? Ponies that you care about getting hurt, I mean.”
“If you ever find it does, it means you’re no longer worthy to lead them.” Princess Celestia set down her teacup. “Speaking of which, the Minister of Agriculture isn’t the only pony retiring in the wake of this little mess. I might need somepony to fill in for the Captain of the Royal Guard.”
“Are you asking for recommendations?”
Celestia didn’t rise to the bait. She gave Shining Armor a small smile. “I’d like you to step in on a temporary basis, until I can find the right pony for the job.”
“Of course, ma’am,” Shining Armor agreed. “I’ll keep things from falling apart. Until the right pony comes around.”
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I like it when people make Blueblood a three-dimensional character.
I haven't read a ton of SMILE stuff, but I have enjoyed most of the ones I come across. This was a good one.
And now we know why the bugbear came to Ponyville, it was looking for Sweetie Drops!
Well done, as usual. I picked up on your cleverly laid breadcrumbs pointing to the Minister!
Well done, you did a good job. I am glad this wasn't just a horror story. I am glad that you made Blueblood more of a character then a foil.
It was a fun read, thank you.
Outstanding work all around. Great action, great twist, and superb representation of the system in action. Thank you for a gripping read, and perhaps the best uncredited appearance of Temperance Flowerdew on Fimfic. Best of luck in the judging.
So... Blueblood is kind of a hereditary prime minister, then? Makes sense!
Oooh, foreshadowing! Also, perfect explanation for why the bugbear was coming after Bon-Bon!