This story is a sequel to The Painless Murders
The graveside is a place of deep reflection. On friends who will never forget. On lives touched, even saved, and forever changed. On a legacy that will carry into future generations.
Featured Jul 26-27, 2023.
Written for Bicyclette's A Thousand Words Contest II 2023.
This story is part of the Dark Steel series and makes use of characters found in those stories. Being familiar with them is helpful, but not required.
Thanks to OConnerGT-R for pre-reading, Airy Words for proofreading.
Cover art photo by Katharine Sparrow, licensed for free use from https://www.stockvault.net/
Chapters (1)
What’s the Dark Steel series about?
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It's an ongoing series of stories written in the first-person that follow the cases of a private investigator named Dark Steel. It has a film/story noir feel to it.
https://www.fimfiction.net/bookshelf/1550594/dark-steel
I very much enjoyed this short story.
The past, present, and future ripples of an exceptional pony’s life all coming together after he is put to rest.
So many things implied here (Citrine and Steel married? Adopted Ruby as their daughter?). I'm looking forward to see what adventures Steel had, and what eventually led to this heartbreaking ending.
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Most of those questions are answered in the existing stories of the series should you choose to start at the beginning: Little Filly Lost.
In one of your emails to me you had responded to my advice and criticism with this quote above. I figured my comment for the official story would be a better place to respond to this as it highlights the positives of your final draft.
I'd like to say that after reading through the final draft just now, you made the correct decision in regards to my advice. I'm happy you found parts to cut out so that you could include both Longshot and Jasmine's scenes without needing to make to many harsh alterations to them. I believe I have read through your entire Dark Steel series, so seeing both of these characters in the final draft is a pleasant sight to behold.
No offense was taken to your email response, one of the hardest things any writer or author will face with advice or criticism is knowing when it will compromise the original vision of the story said person wishes to tell.
I wish I had mentioned this when I had read the original draft. I noticed the restaurant discussion was bogging the story flow a bit, but I didn't jot it down like I should have and forgot about it. I'm glad you noticed this, because it makes a noticeable difference here in the final product. Longshot doesn't stick around long, he says what he needs to, and then it's time to go.
I also noticed that your decision to take that discussion out helped give you wiggle room else where in the story. I believe I noticed an extra line or two for Windflower's section that helped give her the appropriate amount of time needed for her section. This is actually what I was worried about while reading through the original draft, due to the 1000 word constraint, you as the writer have to split the attention on each character, which is insanely difficult to do if said writer can't balance the story correctly.
It's impressive you managed to balance out the metaphorical screen time of each character within such a small amount of time. I've seen many movies where there are to many characters fighting for screen time that the story gets bogged down because of it. Each character of yours also has a purpose for being in this story as well, they aren't just here because they can be here.
Windflower is here because of her occupation, it makes sense she would be involved with giving some sort of speech for Steel, and it makes sense she would say something to Citrine afterwards because Windflower was a case very close to both Steel and Citrine. Longshot is there because he isn't exactly in line with the law, but still had a good relationship with Steel who more or less was in line with the law. Jasmine is there because she is one of the many clients that Steel has helped over the years, and also had one of the more interesting cases if I recall right.
Finally, I really like the new name you picked out for the story. Reflections has a nicer ring to it than Promises. It also sounds more fitting to the story. You've done a good job with this.
Until next time.
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Thanks for the comments. I'm glad you approve of the final product.
Speaking of characters, I would really have liked to include Quicksilver and Misty (from The Quicksilver Chronicles) as they are in two of the Dark Steel stories/cases and have a strong connection to him and Citrine. There simply wasn't room.
RIP
That was a sad story.
honestly love how this just grounds these unfamiliar OCs in my mind by giving it the tropes of police stories to contextualize them
oof! and how heartfelt
love this, very Rarityesque
augh that is so adorable, love it
aww! that is so beautiful how he lives on through her
and a poignant end. thank you for writing!
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And thanks for reading.
All those characters have so much history and context through the Dark Steel series. It was really hard to capture even a hint of that history in so few words. The scenes have a lot more meaning and sub-text if the reader knows that history.
Fair warning, I’m not going to read the prequel. Or the prequel’s prequel. Or… Well, you get the idea. You were given a thousand words, and that’s all I’m judging, same as every other entrant.
“As his wife, you obviously would not already know this information.”
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the exposition, but I don’t think a mare needs to be told what her late husband did for a living or why. I certainly could be wrong in this specific case, but I imagine the high number of policeponies at the service would’ve served as a hint.
Some of the timing here can be seen as giving the bereaved their space, but it still feels like the conversational equivalent of a fight scene in a martial arts movie where a mob obligingly fights the main character one at a time.
All told, without context, this is just a parade of OCs I barely know comforting OCs I barely know. Introducing half a dozen ponies, the deceased included, is not something that can or should be done in a thousand words. Sorry, but I don’t think this was ever going to work for folks unfamiliar with the setting. Still, thank you for the entry.
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I guess it was poorly worded. The point was not what he did (she knows), or so much why (she knows). The point was that other ponies recognized this attribute of his personality.
Which is one reason it put it in Experimental. Part of writing it was the challenge to see how much context I could provide in such a short story. One does not have to expect to win to have fun writing a story to submit.