This story is a sequel to Dark Steel
My job as a private investigator wasn’t particularly glamorous. In fact, some would go so far as to call it monotonous. Still, being able to help ponies in ways the cops couldn’t, or wouldn’t, was fulfilling. Then a former client and friend was arrested for murder. If the police aren’t going to do a serious investigation, then I have to. And I need to solve it before anypony else dies.
This is another in the spin-off series from The Quicksilver Chronicles featuring the private investigator Dark Steel.
Cover art by Calena.
Thanks to my pre-readers OConnerGT-R, M00NFIRE, Bride of Sombra. With a special thanks to my editor EverfreePony.
Chapters (12)
It begins!
Looking forward to further chapters.
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Three/week (skipping Thanksgiving in the US).
More of the Dark Steel spin-off. I have to say, while I have never been really into the noir style of detective stories, Dark Steel is a character I definitely enjoy reading about. In fact, I've just finished the first editing round on another excellent story featuring him (and Citrine), and I think I may dig into this one again just for fun.
Aha! Time is running out for our detective!
Interesting take on Fancy Pants. Also interesting that Quicksilver’s latest invention still has a ways to go before it is ready for market!
I like how the degree of tension never quite leaves the conversation. Also how both acted in their own self-interest.
Hmmm… I was first thinking that the arresting officer was a fake, but the inclusion of the enclosed wagon adds legitimacy.
Certainly seems the mysterious unicorn is covering their tracks… with six feet of earth.
BTW, is the Prench translation of the “Hunter” pronounced “Lestrade”?
Hmmm…
Now I have to go back and re-read to put together the clues.
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Be sure to spoiler-tag any guesses (or PM me) so as to not give anything away.
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Just a matter of following the Clue(s).
Colonel Mustard in the Library with the Wrench.
Didn’t see the ending coming, so that is always satisfying.
Looking forward to more Dark Steel!
Wow, what an excellent story, my brain was burning to figure out that who is the real murder. You are a good writer of the detective-type story. Here I see more characters are joining this chronicle. There are Opal, Legal Eagle, Shadow Hunter, and Long Shot. Each one of them is good. Can't wait to see them return. My favorite point is that Dark Steel and Citrine are married! There is no flaw to me in this story, so the only thing I can say is...I want more Dark Steel!
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As mentioned in the Backstory blog for this story, I have another tale written, edited, and scheduled to publish in January. Just hang on, it's coming.
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Agreed, I really enjoyed these new characters when editing. Truth be told, they don't appear in the next DS story--I bet you'll still like that one a lot though--but I think that if we plead hard enough, bkc will eventually get another idea for a DS story that might feature these characters.
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But no pressure, right?
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No, never!
Former pre-reader here. I had a feeling I’d have to do multiple comments for this story, there’s a lot to point out in the first couple of chapters that I like so I’ll do my best to hit to highlights.
That being said, I’d like to say that this my favorite Dark Steel story. It works well for a number of reasons, which I’m hoping to point out here.
*From chapter one.
This is still a really good start to the story, I love how this is played as a light hearted joke for the audience, but for Steel it’s essentially a life or death question that he will most likely get wrong even if he gets it right.
The banter between Steel, Citrine, and Opal is fantastic and top notch. I especially like, and appreciate, Opal’s somewhat sarcastic and dry sense of humor. Often times, at least with the stories I’ve seen over the years, fail to get that humor just right, which makes the character come off poorly to the audience. You’ve managed to capture Opal as being playful with a dry sense of humor, which I like as it’s my favorite style of humor.
*From chapter one.
One thing I enjoy about this story is that it doesn’t waste the audience’s time. Let me explain. The prologue sets up the mystery, and chapter one establishes the status quo, or Steel’s normal life, before Misty comes busting through the door. All of this is done in the most efficient way possible without giving the audience any unnecessary scenes.
A scene with Quicksilver being arrested could have been added here, but it would have slowed the story’s pace a bit. Misty’s actions here tell the audience everything they need to know, which is that something is wrong, and it more than likely ties into the plot. In short, this is a well thought out and efficient scene.
*From chapter one.
This is still one of my favorite mechanics of the story. The reasoning behind why Quicksilver could be the murderer makes sense. He’s an alchemist and scientist, thus the murder weapon needs to be something that aligns with his skillset in order to be believable, which this story does, and does well as it directly ties into a product Quicksilver was making that could potentially hurt someone.
This is something a novice would mess up, usually because they want to tell a murder-mystery story, but fail to connect some of the dots correctly. The way it’s done here shows a good understanding of the logic that goes into making a mystery story like this.
*From chapter two.
I love when callbacks to other stories happen like this. Sometimes these are done when they don’t the story, but here it makes sense that these moments from previous story entries would be brought up because there’s an investigation taking place. I also love that a former antagonist is brought as a potential suspect as it makes sense due to their history with Quicksilver and Misty.
*From chapter four.
I can’t remember if I said this when I read the first draft, but I’ll say it again. I really like your take on Fancy Pants. The way you write him shows a level of competency, safety, and nuance that comes with being a business owner.
I’ve seen way to many evil business owners in so many other stories that it’s become a really bad trope in my eyes. It’s refreshing to see a character written this way, and not have my mind immediately say that this is the antagonist, or at the very least connected to the antagonist in some wicked way.
That’s all I’ve got for now.
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Did you pre-read Little Filly Lost (I can't remember). If not, it just may knock this one down a notch. It starts publishing in two weeks.
And thanks for your comments. I look forward to any more you might have.
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Yes, I did pre-read that story. I remember it being a rather well told tale, which was also one of my favorites. I look forward to checking it out.
I just thought I’d point this out for you. Right where it says, “You did good,” you ended the dialogue there with a quotation mark, right where Opal is addressed, then you have Dark Steel talk again without re-opening a new set of quotation marks.
Not sure if that’s a mistake or some technical stuff I don’t know, but it came off as Dark Steel talking to himself rather than at Opal. I re-read it and got what was going on, I just wanted you to be aware of it in case it is an error.
This was from the end of chapter six. I really like this because you can always come back to this Long Shot later on.
Readers will appreciate things like this because it’s always nice seeing a reoccurring character, especially one that’s a bit more morally questionable. I highly recommend you keep this exchange in mind, you never know when Dark Steel will need to comeback to this character.
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Looks like an editing artifact. I took the path of least resistance with a fix. Thanks.
You may find it interesting that I'm in pre-development on another Dark Steel story, and Long Shot is, in fact, a minor, but important character.
I agree, When he was first introduced in the show I was of mixed feelings. On one hand he seemed to be a pretty decent sort, but was his altruism legit or was it condescending?
This story shows him as a respected leader he might not be a saint but he isn't a money-grubbing capitalist either.
This is easily one of your best stories. I'm sure I said this when I pre-read it for you, but there isn't a lot to critique on this story. You have a very solid beginning, in fact I'd say it reminded me a lot of the older Scooby Doo movies I used to watch growing up. The middle of the story works, there isn't anything I could suggest you add, or take away, so again you did well there. And the ending is really good, I can tell where there were some edits this time, but they all helped iron out your story in some way or another, and overall makes the reading experience a smooth ride to enjoy.
This still makes me laugh. This name is never not going to be funny to me, I could read this a few times every year, and it will still make me laugh. I've seen a lot of fake names in stories before, but this one is hands down the best of the bunch, and I'm not talking about fake names I've seen in stories on FIM, I'm also talking about movies, games, and other stories where an alias is used.
I'd also like to say that the way you developed this story was fantastic. A lot of new writers make a mistake when writing a story where a character is framed for a crime. Usually things don't line up well, or the dots aren't connecting right, but you avoided all of those pitfalls here.
Using Quicksilver's occupation as a way to frame him is an excellent choice, and one that is very believable. I think I also said that after I pre-read this story, but I wanted to say it again because it just works well. It also helps the main character find the culprit because Quicksilver, at least in theory, would know whether or not his mixture was lethal to others, and if it is, he'd know just how much mixture would be needed to make a lethal dose. Once again, this is just a really great choice to anchor your crime story around because there is a certain sense of logic that can be followed throughout the story.
I was hoping to give you a more detailed review, but life, and work, have really left me exhausted these past few days, and I wanted to get this review out to you sooner rather than later. I will say that there is a lot more I wanted to say about the opening to your story, but the words escape me right now, but just know that the beginning of the story was my favorite portion as it drew me in right away. You did a fantastic job on this before your editor got it, and with those edits you made an even sharper, more refined story. Keep up the good work!
You really have the pacing and gradual appearance of clues exactly right.
Ah - the classic confrontation scene where the villain monologues his whole justification! So elegant.
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Thanks for the positive comments. Pacing can be hard so I'm glad it worked. The villain monologue is kind of a tired troupe, but sometimes it's the best way to fill in those missing details that are needed to fully explain everything.
He will simply look fabulous, darling
Your Review is done:
My little Reviews & Feedback
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Thanks.
That was a really good story. Its been awhile since I've seen such a entertaining mystery story.
I love your stories about Steel. He reminds me of two other legendary detectives. The rough and tumble gryphon detective the Falcon and the
lovely Abyssinian Samantha who worked in Neighyork and retired after a violent encounter with a gryphon who almost disemboweled her. After that almost fatal encounter she changed her name and went into freelance work. we all know her now as Sam Spayed. I'll show myself out!