First Night

starcoder

starcoder #1 · Feb 11th, 2023 · 2 · ·

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Starlight thought about her words. Afterwards, she smiled a little at Twilight. "Thank you."

Wow that was a quick reformation-- But I'm glad she's better

Catpaw616

Catpaw616 #2 · Feb 11th, 2023 · 1 · ·

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11503913
Thank you, and me too

Starlight Fan

Starlight Fan #3 · Feb 11th, 2023 · 2 · ·

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Glad she’s adjusting.

wonderkid125

wonderkid125 #4 · Feb 22nd, 2023 · 4 · ·

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An interesting picture of how Starlight's first night could have gone.

From the blurb at the top, this was just a fun little story that popped into your head. I haven't seen any of your other stories, so I have no gauge for your usual writing style, but I did notice a few issues that might impede a reader's enjoyment. For the sake of improving as you go, I'll point them out.

This will take some getting used too. Starlight thought in her head.

The correct usage in this case is 'to'. Also, 'thought in her head' is a little redundant, but I won't split hairs. Just something to be aware of.

Would she blame them? Most likely not. After all, she could've destroyed time if she wanted too.

Another instance of too/to.

Those are the only grammatical errors I found, which is fairly impressive for a story of this length. The last potential problem I wanted to touch on was your dialogue. That being, it's a little stiff in places.

For example:

"And about the apple thing? It's perfectly ok if you bite or cut an apple. There is no law to which way you should eat an apple." Spike added. "You do not need to feel embarrassed towards us."

Here, I can't imagine someone like Spike taking the pains to say the words 'do not' instead of just contracting it to 'don't'. It's a small issue, but things like this add up across your dialogue to make the characters sound... not like themselves.

If you have a robot character, for instance, their dialogue and mannerisms will probably come across as stiff and mechanical. They would use words that sound complicated, or string together sentences perfectly without errors or colloquialisms. A real person most likely wouldn't talk like that. Even our favorite book horse Twilight isn't that perfect in her speech.

"It may feel impossible now, but eventually you will get the hang of the castle and towards us. You are new to friendship. You have to prove nothing." she said encouragingly.

'You have to prove nothing' while technically correct, doesn't sound right. She'd be more likely to say 'you don't have anything to prove' or 'you don't have to prove anything.'

(Also, 'you will get the hang of the castle and towards us.' doesn't make sense.)

In short, just try to think about what character you're writing dialogue for and think about how they would say something. If you wrote the same sentence as said by Applejack and Rarity, they would probably phrase it completely differently. If you can't imagine a character casually talking how you've written them, try changing how it sounds. It will help keep readers more immersed, and really bring your characters to life.

But, enough nitpicking. These are relatively small style errors in the grand scheme of things, and I myself struggled with them a lot (and still do sometimes) But if you iron them out, it'll just make your stories even better for readers.

All in all, a good slice of life that left me wanting more from this concept of an early reformed Starlight and her time adjusting to life as Twilight's pupil. Keep up the good work

Catpaw616

Catpaw616 #5 · Feb 22nd, 2023 · 1 · ·

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11513353
Alright thank you. I'll take your advice to heart. Glad you liked the story

Catpaw616

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