This story really seems like it couldn't decide between pornographic casual vore with mixed reception and a serious plot, so just alternated between the two and wound up on the latter.
It also could've really used a pass overall for "show don't tell" problems, as some of the prose is really lacking in detail about what's happening.

Man, what a strange and silly story.I somewhat enjoyed it, but I couldn't get over some things which are not explained at all:
1-why RD wanted to be eaten
2-why did Celestia allowed for her "prized student" to be eaten so casually?I understand that this was probably "just for laughs", but it was still strange.Same for Lyra too.
Also, just some nitpicks:the words "poor girl" and "girl" overall are repeated too much, and sometimes it really doesn't work, especially in Chrysalis's case...