• Member Since 14th Jan, 2022
  • offline last seen 56 minutes ago

FluttershyForever2058


Just someone who likes to make stories and write music

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Cover image belongs to https://www.deviantart.com/sohmasatori, they make a lot of beautiful art so please check them out!

Starlight Glimmer is struggling to fit into Ponyville since most of the citizens are afraid of her due to her past. It takes an accidental meeting with Thunderlane to really turn her life around. But can it really be that easy?


Sex tag is for innuendo and implications, no actual intercourse occurs

This story was written for the May Pairings Contest 2022 but was also a nice opportunity to try something new.

Hope you enjoy!

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 10 )

11247011
Yeah, I thought it might be interesting to write these two together.

Oh damn, Thunderlane SCARY when he mad.

“You know, out of all the times I’ve heard my friends try to say things to make each other feel better, I don’t think ‘you have a nice ass’ has ever been tried.” Starlight said as her laughter died down.

The female equivalent of basically saying 'Nice cock bro'.

11247905
I didn't actually think about it like that when I wrote it, but now that you've pointed it out I find it even better:rainbowlaugh:

There are few things that will get me to dislike a fanfic faster than characters being written out-of-character. Even worse is when the entire happy, near-utopian setting of Equestria is written to make it feel out-of-character. Unfortunately, you happened to do both of these things in the short span of this story.

Starlight doesn't display any of the character traits she's known for post-reformation, except for perhaps self-doubt, which she admittedly exhibited quite a bit of early on. The difference between the self-doubt she feels in the show and in this story, however, is that, in the show, she doubts herself due to her recognition of her own faults and her obsession over her past mistakes. Here, she doubts herself because, apparently, everyone in Ponyville has been giving her crap about her past, which firstly feels uncharacteristic of the friendly little town we know, and secondly raises the question of why on earth Twilight (presumably) told everyone about that.

Things get even worse in the climax of your story, where you turn not just Cloud Chaser into a jerk, but everyone in Ponyville. Hearing them hurling very realistic insults at Starlight at the drop of a hat was so jarring that I forgot I was reading a My Little Pony fanfic for a second. The fact that Starlight just wilted in response to this instead of getting angry at all also took me out of it; she felt more like Fluttershy to me than Starlight.

My writer's intuition tells me that you made these decisions in order to quickly move through the very fast-paced romance you wanted to show and get those big, dramatic moments. The problem is, you really have to earn those moments through slow, careful buildup in order for them to be meaningful. Having Starlight and Thunderlane declare their love for each other after knowing each other for a day just because of a contrived emotional confrontation just feels forced.

I really wanted to like this story, and I feel like it could have been much better if you'd just taken the time to do it right, but as it is, it's just disappointing.

11266554
Thank you for the criticisms.

As a new writer I always appreciate it when people point out the flaws in my work because that's the only way I can get better. I also agree with you that everything is too rushed and I should have planned it out better than I did as well as dropping the ball on characters, especially Starlight, which could have been easily solved by just spending more time on it. Maybe in the future I'll rewrite this story and actually plan it out better but as of right now I'll use it as a reminder on how I still have quite a lot to learn.

I don't know if your comment was meant for constructive criticism or just to rant, and honestly I don't care, but I still thank you for leaving it anyway and hopefully in the future you'll come across a story of mine that doesn't disappoint.:twilightsmile:

11266586
I apologize if my comment seemed like a rant to you. When I leave comments like that on stories, I always mean it as constructive criticism, not as an insult. I appreciate that you recognize the flaws in your writing and that you have a desire to improve. You might be a fairly new writer, but your writing shows potential, and I would definitely be willing to give your future works a chance.

Love it when Thunderlane has a chad attitude like here, but the other ponies reaction seems a bit much, and falling on love after one day it just not possible for me. This story could be much longer for making us believe in what we read next time :trixieshiftright:

11282620
I have to agree. I'm kind of wishing I would've planned this story out a bit more and put more "meat" to it so to speak, but those are just things that I now know to do for the next story I write

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