In the year 2027, Equestria appeared in the Pacific Ocean and established relations with the UN. They claimed they had been brought there by accident, and that Discord was responsible. However, relations quickly began to sour after a failed attempt by five of the six elements of harmony to push their values upon humanity. And, ended altogether when Celestia banned trade between Equestria and the rest of the world. Soon after, started the conversion war. Using her magical barrier she tried to wipe them off the face of the earth. But hope for humanity came in the form of many ponies and others who wished to join them. However, when the night came for them to link up, they found that the resistance had been destroyed before they could leave Equestrian waters. In the aftermath, humanity assumed that all was lost...until a mysterious rainbow-maned pegasus crashed and landed near Jerusalem claiming to be on the human side. However, the agent of the Aman (Israeli Military Intelligence Directorate) assigned to her quickly comes to question her motives.
First my Northern friend.
Well, I said constructive criticism, didn't I? So, can someone tell me why this isn't good?
dam bro you mek e go all ouyt on thiss uone
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10923152
As she should be.
Can someone please explain what's wrong with this story?
awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter
I think this takes the cake for my most hated story so far...
Edit: Not anymore!
Most of the issues I had with it were/are structural. The blurb is composed of sentence fragments with Unusual capitalization, which predisposed me to read it critically.
At least one misconception that felt like a speed bump every time I hit it was your tendency to capitalize the first word after every line of dialogue, even if the dialogue was non-terminal. Example:
I also chose this particular example because it serves as an example for a few other bits of clumsy writing that made it difficult to get into the story.
First, the correction:
Shoulder boards are generally only present on overornamented uniforms (typically dress uniforms) and are not present on day-to-day IDF uniforms (nor would they be likely to be reintroduced on a war footing). The reason that "He [the lieutenant] said as he [the lieutenant] gestured for him [the Captain] to follow" should be self-explanatory. I also removed the adverb, because there's nothing sudden about someone knocking on your office door and then opening it. "Suddenly, there was a knock at the door", sure. "There was a knock on the door, suddenly it opened and there was someone there", no.
The writing is rife with these kind of errors, and the writing isn't compelling enough to overlook them, as well as quirks of your narrative voice that could do with variation.
Ingenuity? She's made it clear that this is something he'd have to consider her stupid not to consider, and he was using it as a reason to doubt her story. This is another thing that happens a few times in the first chapter, asserting properties of the conversation's participants not borne out by the content of the conversation.
Throughout the conversation, the dynamic also feels incorrect. Her hooves and wings are bound. She is a prisoner. He's an interrogator. He should either be trying to make friends, or grilling her - he is unarguably in the superior position, and yet the conversation puts them on nearly even footing. Now, Dash could be Hannibal Lecter levels of crazy, but nothing in the narration or conversation lends enough credence to that to allow her to ignore the power disparity, and even less justification is given for the Captain to play along with it.
This is why I gave a downvote - hopefully this constructive criticism is helpful when revising your story!
10923195
Well, I think I need a better proofreader...
Honestly I think there is nothing wrong with the story other then maybe pacing. I think the reason you got down votes was due to the original picture you chose.
In this climate many will be negative to an appearance rather then the content. So you have to be careful in what you choose to use.
10923203
Yeah, I figured as much. Though I wished to choose an image that shows what she represents without giving too much away. But, I personally like the current cover better.
10923206
Just stick with it and show your abilities. You may get some down votes, that's normal for here, but keep to the core of what your trying to convey. Just be careful many seem to not like to look beyond the surface.
10923148
but is gud
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10923213
Oh, I know that. But the other guy still has a point, it's not something I'm great with.
10923195
Also, thank you. I edited the chapter based on your corrections, I hope you like it!
10923273
I won't be!
Interesting start -- looking forward to next chapter.
I have plenty of experience with people reading my stories (from years ago) and pooping on them, saying I use too many exclamation marks, this and that. Don't worry about it too much, is what I think you should do. Look at the substance of what people are saying, maybe? But it's never personal. None of these people knows you. It's too little to get psyched about, not saying that you are, but if you are, I just want to express a little bit of sympathy. I don't think any of these topics are off-limits for a story (or whatever).
Another thing are the formatting choices you made, which are at least nonstandard. Again, I don't mean anything personal. I want to be positive about it. Doing the fat text for the other language is unliterary, in my opinion, not to speak for anyone else, because it's not evocative of another language. Maybe generically, you want to have the reader do most of the work for you in a story like this. I just found it odd.
The capitalization of words inside dialogue tags is a formatting error, easily fixed! It's just a matter of remembering that dialogue tags belong to the same sentence as the dialogue, right? That's the answer, I think.
I'm not sure if I agree about the text being riddled with sentence fragments, which is what another person said. Where are the sentence fragments? Comma splices, I saw a few of, but sentence fragments? I guess it's because grammar is in part a matter of interpretation. You could say this is a sentence fragment:
Especially, you could say that because the sentence begins with "and," which implies that it belongs the previous sentence, "and" being a link word. I think what cannot be disputed is that this sentence is incorrect, from a traditional grammatical perspective. It's not an imperative clause, and it doesn't have a clear subject, does it? The person that "verb"sss. Sss. Something like that. And the word "that," relative pronoun, doesn't count.
I'm sorry. Criticism has to hurt.
Post scriptum: I saw you edited the chapter. That's good. I'll give an upvote to show good faith.
Actually, the story is only slightly overwritten, probably. It boggles the mind how many stories I've seen that a far and away worse, in terms of grammar and style, and yet somehow earn all the likes, so you can take that however you want, but people don't downvote stories on their own merits. People downvote stories because they don't like it. That's the difference. It's not always based on the quality of your writing.
10923286
Well in this case, I think it is. But thanks for the encouragement.
In fact, thank you all for giving me the hope and strength to not delete this story!
10923273
And thanks for noting that detail! It's not even something I considered, but it just seemed like the logical thing to do in a place like that.
What's "Alt Negotiations"?
10923320
I took some elements from Negotiationsverse, but got rid of others. Which is why is says:
Interesting start, but please, for the love of French toast, STOP BOLDING SPOKEN SENTENCES!!!
I know they’re an alternative language, but there has to be a better way to do it 
…okay, and there’s a few spoken sentences that need the first letter capitalized that aren’t. Until next time!
images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/b71e223b-7ff7-406f-841d-00ba640682c5/de7etks-6001b8a0-07fb-43b2-84a0-2f53047ce942.png/v1/fill/w_894,h_894,strp/among_us___sonic_style_among_by_soniconbox_de7etks-pre.png?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7ImhlaWdodCI6Ijw9MTAyNCIsInBhdGgiOiJcL2ZcL2I3MWUyMjNiLTdmZjctNDA2Zi04NDFkLTAwYmE2NDA2ODJjNVwvZGU3ZXRrcy02MDAxYjhhMC0wN2ZiLTQzYjItODRhMC0yZjUzMDQ3Y2U5NDIucG5nIiwid2lkdGgiOiI8PTEwMjQifV1dLCJhdWQiOlsidXJuOnNlcnZpY2U6aW1hZ2Uub3BlcmF0aW9ucyJdfQ.VWpkMmLAADF7aXi5G9hL5yvwHh8GJ27m_GajxgfAMaU
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Good one!
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https://i.imgur.com/XziCm30.png
awesome chapter keep it up cant wait for the next chapter
What’s wrong with rainbow dash?
Is it some sort of drug?
Crossover with ur mom lol
awesome chapter mate keep it up cant for the next chapter
Is rainbow dash some sort of reincarnation of a human? There’s no way she should be able to work a computer.
10944622
Than you don't know Rainbow Factory RD.
10946478
Actually, it's my fault for not telling them, as I tried to keep it a secret! But, today I decided that it wasn't worth it.
10946478
10946482
Is that the crossover?
10946534
Yes.
10946541
Thanks for the encouragement!
10946534
Seriously? Man... you really are new to the MLP fanfic community.
Here. Get yourself familiar.
https://mlpfanart.fandom.com/wiki/Rainbow_Factory
https://creepypasta.fandom.com/wiki/Rainbow_Factory
10946548
No problem 'umie! an' stay Orky! WAAAAAAAAAGH!!