Not Who I Thought I’d Be

by Dashie04

Not Who I Thought I’d Be

I was born a stallion, as evidenced by my name. Lil’ Cheese, named after my father. Cheese Sandwich was my father, the Equestria-wide famous party planner. From what I’ve been told, Cheese Sandwich had first dibs, and he argued with Pinkie Pie in a long and tumultuous argument, he won, and got to name me.

From a young age, there was something off about me, I took one look in the mirror, and realized I wanted to look cuter. I grew to dislike the stallion look, so I grew out my hair to look more like Mom’s. Poofy, fun, and most of all, not exactly stallion-like.

Kids at school made fun of me for it, but I felt like I looked cuter.

Early in high school, a few ponies surprised me by asking if I was a stallion or a mare. I thought that that was a silly question to ask, I knew my eyelashes were incredibly visible, and my hair was a little unusual, but I was obviously a stallion, I was born one. Right?

When I asked them what they meant, they explained the concept to me. This concept of ‘being trans’, one I never knew about beforehoof.

Now, it’s summer, and I look in the mirror. My mane’s tied back in a ponytie, as with my tail. I don’t like the pony I am in the mirror. I’d never felt particularly stallionlike in the first place, felt that the stallion’s body was something I didn’t want. However, I never felt particularly marelike either, but I feel that I’m closer to that metric than being a stallion by any chance, so I figure it’s worth a try.

I take a deep breath, and walk outside of the bathroom, the one with the mirror I had grown to hate. I poke around a bit, Mom isn’t anywhere nearby, and Dad isn’t either. I sigh and go back to my room, where I can just think.

I think about everything, the idea that I might be female after all. I don’t know how it’ll work, if it’ll be good, or bad, or something else entirely. All I can do is hope that I just feel like it finally fits after so many years being unsure of myself.

Mom and Dad get home a while later. I hear them open the door, and I trot on down to meet them. I’m not smiling, in fact, I’m distressed. My mane feels a little less bouncy than usual. Dad is wearing lederhosen, meaning they probably got done with a party I was not allowed to go to.

“Aww! Lil’ Cheese, why do look so glum?” Mom says, her voice a little less intense than usual.

“Would you like to ride the hippo again? Ooh, or have a lot of cake?” Dad pitches in.

He makes me smile at least a little bit, having two party ponies as parents sure was interesting sometimes. Instead, I reply with something that I should’ve thought through more before saying, “Inciting offers, but, have you two ever felt uncomfortable with who you are before?”

Mom and Dad look at each other, I know exactly what they want to say. Dad eventually replies with, “Can’t say either of us have. Was there a reason you asked?”

“Well, I have, and I think I might be a girl...” I respond.

Mom looks confused for a second, Dad looks rather shocked. Their shocked silence tells me to go back to my room.

Before I can do anything, Mom leaps onto me and gives me a big hug. “We support you no matter what, Lil’ Cheese!” she exclaims, nearly crushing me. “Right?”

Of course, she says the last line while giving a death stare directly at Dad. Thankfully, he nods.

“Pinkie, it’s getting late, we should probably go to bed, as well as LIl’ Cheese,” Dad mentions.

I look out through the windows, it was getting rather late. I should probably go to bed.

We all head off to our bedrooms, but as I’m preparing to sleep, I hear Mom and Dad murmuring behind the walls.

“I’m a little nervous about... her,” I hear a muffled voice say. “I suppose it isn’t all that different from when Dashie and AJ got married last year...” that’s definitely Mom.

“I suppose so, but, how’ll we be able to stay consistent with hi—her and convince people h—she’s a girl.”

I know I should be happy, but all I feel is an incredible dullness of the words ‘she’ and ‘her’. Almost as if it’s no different from the usual stallion pronouns. Regardless, I still fall asleep.

The next day is rather uneventful, Mom and Dad work their usual jobs at Sugarcube Corner, there’s no parties scheduled for today.

But still, they feel the need to introduce me to every single pony who asks.

“That’s Lil’ Cheese, she’s our very bestest daughter!”

“That’s Lil’ Cheese! She’s incredibly fun to be around and she always helps so much when me and Pinkie are planning parties.”

“Yep! That’s our daughter, Lil’ Cheese, enjoy your cookies!”

Every single pony who asks, Mom and Dad answer with some variation on “She’s our daughter.” I know I should feel happy, but it’s not helping at all. By the time we’re back upstairs, I’m probably feeling worse.

“Mom, I know you and Dad mean well, but I don’t feel like that it’s helping at all, I just don’t feel like a girl,” I tell them, as we’re preparing for some family time.

Mom looks at me with her hoof to her chin, then she reaches back into her mane and pulls out a decently thick book. I had saw her do this so many times, that it didn’t really have much effect on me anymore.

Her mane pages the book and she reaches a section that she apparently wants to read.

“Of course! Nonbinary!” Mom shouts, putting the book back in her mane.

“What’s that?” I ask.

“Well, it’s when you feel neither male nor female! I should’ve known!” she replies.

“It was under ‘N’?” I ask, remembering a story Twilight used to tell about Mom’s weird reality-warping powers.

“No! The mane, your apathy towards labels, your confusion over being male or female! You’re our child, not son, not daughter. You’re our bestest child!”

“Yes, they are!” Cheese pitches in, with a smile on his face.

I somehow just know. It makes me feel welcomed, and incredibly excited! I run around the room, finally having found that last puzzle piece. I even think my mane feels bouncy again!

I leap into Mom’s outstretched arms, Dad joins in.

“I love you so much,” I say.

“I love you too, Lil’ Cheese,” Mom says.

Author's Note:

The sluggish pace this story moves at directly mirrors my tiredness right now! I just wanted to write this little thing about Lil’ Cheese being nonbinary.

Did I get it right? I don’t know. I just tried to mirror my own experiences with gender dysphoria and wrote them in.

But seriously, it’s 1AM, I need to sleep. Constructive criticism is allowed and encouraged, bye!

Comments

[Diamond Sparkle]

Very nice and well written.

[theOwtcast]

Pride and Positivity deadline got extended until July 15, so you can still enter if you want

[ColtKit Productions]

This is a really sweet story.
If only all parents were as supportive as the party planners.

[Gyro Pony]

”You’re our child, not son, not daughter. You’re our bestest child!”

Goodonya Pinkie.

[TheOneAJ]

Ugh, can’t believe transphobia is a thing in the brony fandom.
Well, have a like to temporarily be more liked than hated ❤️

[Charlie_K]

10883378
Just because somebody doesn't like reading transgender-themed stories, doesn't mean they're transphobes.

If somebody doesn't like a show prominently featuring white characters does that make them whitephobes?

The folks mad at the film Luka for not making the two boys gay lovers, are they heterophobes?

[Dashie04]

10883247

Thanks!

10883277

Oh really, I might have to check that out. Thanks for the tip.

10883288

I know. We need more supportive parents around.

10883378

This is my most rated story, and it has a negative like-dislike ratio. I don’t care, they’re just trolls. Thanks for the like, though!

[White seal]

*looking at dislikes*
Wow sometimes i hate humanity, you can't even write about fictional horses anymore without getting hate

[Charlie_K]

10883482
Hatred is integral to the human species. One simply cannot be had without another. You've got hatred whether it's gay pastel colored horses, or white male leading characters who aren't apologizing every five minutes for committing the crimes of being white and male.

[Late_Night]

can't even leave the kids out of it, can ya
i reiterate: just make a damned oc for fuck's sake

[White seal]

10883505
Calm down there son it's just a drawing

[theOwtcast]

10883445
You're right that non-transphobes don't have to necessarily like trans-themed stories, but chances are they'll just ignore them without reading or leaving any feedback. While some of the downvotes on the stories of this kind are unavoidably genuine feedback of people who didn't like something about the story regardless of how they feel about transsexuality, it's hard to ignore the fact that stories revolving around trans themes get downvoted more heavily than trans-unrelated stories of approximately the same quality, and hate-spamming is the most likely explanation given the sensitivity of the topic. People have noticed such stories get downvoted within seconds after upload (as in, sooner than anyone would have been able to read them). I'm pretty sure that qualifies as transphobia

[Dashie04]

10883537
Actually a headcanon (one which many people seem to have) I related to and wanted other people to relate to.

Lil' Cheese is supposed to be a teenager in this story, the picture I used is from the show because I couldn't find any other one.

Also, I already have an OC; she's in my profile picture.

[theOwtcast]

10883505
'Not leaving the kids out of it' is realistic. Most of them knew there was something different about them since early age, before they knew how to name that difference

[Dashie04]

10883552
I feel like that the comment also assumes that I'm older than I actually am. I'm actually not that much older than Lil' Cheese in this story, and I absolutely know that younger people can figure this stuff out.

[Late_Night]

10883552
i feel i must specify, i meant canon children
i'll say it again: make. OCs. if. you. want. your. damn. rep.

[Dashie04]

10883565
Like I said; I already have, the pony in my profile pic is trans and so am I (she's actually my ponysona).

But it's a headcanon. Sometimes we want to write about our headcanons to give characters with little depth more.

In addition, I'm sure more than a few people could attest that representation is being recognized as people in mainstream media. Creating an OC means nothing because it wasn't recognized by mainstream media.

I don't mean to imply that this story is canon in any way, shape or form. Everything doesn't need to be exactly as you imagine it, hell, it doesn't even have to be canon. Sometimes we want to have a headcanon that we like.

You have your headcanons (yes, the show didn't go out this far, so anything covering Lil' Cheese is basically a headcanon, because there's no canon), and I have mine. It's harming nobody until you try and use yours to dislike a story as if they were definite fact.

[B_25]

Keep on writing!

[Late_Night]

10883592
well, you're never gonna get your damned rep that way til China stops existing
because gay, bi(which i(and my oc) am), and lesbian people can easily be rewritten to straight for those fucking bugmen
not so for trans people

[Dashie04]

10883593
Thank you!

[B_25]

10883596

Toxcity like this should be blocked! No fun for the readers, and no fun for the writer!

[Late_Night]

10883605
looking at your catalogue of stories shows that your word has as much weight as a clown's jokes

[B_25]

10883614
Hehehe! At least I can laugh at myself!

[Late_Night]

10883620
that's good i guess
but your word is still worth less than the Zimbabwean dollar

[theOwtcast]

10883565
No offense, but why are you even here if you don't like the premise of the story and/or the author's choice of the character to carry that story? This is fanfiction, not required reading for an English class. You can just, you know, skip stories like this one altogether if they bother you that much and let others enjoy them

[Gyro Pony]

10883565
Uhh, you realise that the reason for choosing a canon character is because Lil’ Cheese is unique in that he is a colt, but has feminine characteristics ?

This isn’t the first story to portray him as an androgynous character of sorts.

I consider that a beautiful merging of canon and fanon. Where the writers left an unintentional slip-up in a canon character (the writers were told that Lil’ Cheese was a colt, but the art department thought otherwise), the fans have given Lil Cheese a unique story of his own.

Lil’ Cheese is unique in that respect.

I can see that you are upset by a writer who is “gender bending” a character.
However, this writer is not actually “gender bending” anyone.

But surely you can understand this ?

[Late_Night]

10883708

Uhh, you realise that the reason for choosing a canon character is because Lil’ Cheese is unique in that he is a colt, but has feminine characteristics ?

then have him be a colt that acts feminine!
not everyone who acts/looks/dresses differently than their gender would dictate is trans, you dipshits
i am beyond tired with you dumbasses trying to ignore people like me exist, or worse, erasing us
t. dude who dresses in feminine wear

[Gyro Pony]

10883714
Now you have me confused.
What the hay are you on about ???

I can’t see your meaning behind all that anger.

”i am beyond tired with you dumbasses trying to ignore people like me exist, or worse, erasing us”

What has this story got to do with ignoring “people like you” ?
Explain.

EDIT: Explain. But leave your fucking aggression behind.

EDIT 2: Wow, months later I’m browsing my Favourites and found this story again. I enjoy reading stories again.
I see that you went back and added “dude who dresses in feminine wear” as the final line of that post. How long after the discussion ended did you go back and perform that Tactical Edit, I wonder? It would have saved heaps of strife and also stress for the author if you had said that from the start.
Funnily enough, I have just read a story updated today (in October 2021) where you are bullying another author. Unbelievable. You don’t let up, do you ?

[Charlie_K]

10883546
Well maybe it's just me, and I admit I could be wrong, but I think a lot of the hate is coming from the fact these stories are being done for a writing contest, and not for the sake of the art itself. And if that is the case, if the only reason these stories are being done is for the sake of possibly winning a contest, that to me just comes off as more of the same empty virtue signalling we see throughout the entire month of June, done by companies and corporations eager to exploit the occasion for financial gain. They trot out the rainbow flags and pride flags to slap on their commercial products without a second thought, and then do away with them from July onward, just like they do around December with the Christmas-themed stuff.

Honestly, to me a lot of it comes off as transploitation.

[Diamond Sparkle]

There seem to be a lot of transphobic voters here.

[Gyro Pony]

10883757
From that viewpoint, I can agree with you.

As for the story itself, I think it’s a nice adaptation to a unique character.

But yes, the “Pride Bandwagon” itself could do with some work...
https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2021/06/03/faux-woke-corporations-go-all-out-for-pride-month-except-middle-east-branches/
At least seven major multinational companies changed their social media logos to rainbows as June began for “Pride Month.” The companies notably failed to update logos on their Middle East and Asian pages, where LGBT people face the most oppression.

[Charlie_K]

10883714
You tell 'em!

10883726
Transvestism.

[Late_Night]

10883726
well if you can't discern my meaning just by reading my posts, you'll never get it, because i never say anything less than what i mean
oh, and since i feel a bit generous, how about i tell you what meant with the line you quoted: crossdressers and femboys aren't trans people, ya numpty

[Late_Night]

10883757
hey, you managed to explain part of what pisses me off about all this shit

[Charlie_K]

10883764
Or, you know, folks who're tired of being treated like they don't exist because of the assumption that any guy wearing a skirt must automatically be transgender.

[ColtKit Productions]

You got to love all the bigots in the brony community.
"LOVE AND TOLERATE" for sure.
They can't even ignore a sweet family fic about acceptance.
Not even during Pride Month!

[Gyro Pony]

10883788
People shouldn’t need to wade through shit to find meaning... you “fucking numpty”.
Honestly, you are a charmer, aren’t you ?

For the record, this story doesn’t negate the existence of gender queer people.

I say gender queer as that is the term used by a guy I worked with several years back, when LGBTQ didn’t quite have the “Q” yet.

He was a guy and I’m pretty sure he liked chicks, but he felt comfortable wearing a denim skirt rather than denim shorts.

And he had makeup and a Singer sewing machine which he brought with him one day - you see we were amateur actors for a community theatre. He brought his sewing machine to do costume alterations.

Furthermore, he and another female actress did the stage makeup for everyone. As they both did personal makeup, they had no problem knowing what to do.
He wasn’t gay or trans, he just had a preference for clothing and looks.

Now, can you see that your posts are quite pathetic ?

I mean, how many insults did you throw our way ?
Dipshits... dumbasses... fucking numpty...

And your demeanour across these comments paints you as a bigot. No better than the people who call crossdressers freaks. Think about that for a bit, won’t you?

Just calm down.

[Late_Night]

10883819
i'll calm down when people a)stop assuming i'm a transphobe, and b) fucking listen to me
speaking of not being listened to, you listened when i insulted you
funny how that works

[Dashie04]

10883797
(To this whole thread)

I would’ve wrote this story anyways, it’s not just for a writing contest. The contest was actually tacked on afterwards. I was bored last night and drafted out this story on an old church bulletin because I wanted to write about my Lil’ Cheese headcanon.

The intent was not to marginalize crossdressers in any way shape or form, and reading the story would show you that I didn’t even end with Lil’ Cheese even being trans-female. I understand the frustrations you go through, and I apologize for anything that may have given the impression that all crossdressers are trans. I’m always trying to be better, but like others have said, the aggression is not wanted.

[theOwtcast]

10883757
It's an event, not a contest. The point is to spread good vibes and raise awareness of LGBTIQ characters/people, and the organizers of the event donate money to a charity for every submitted fic. There won't be any winners or non-winners or prizes to be gained from writing

[Gyro Pony]

10883822
Wow, you refused to acknowledge a word I said, didn’t you?

And no.
We will not listen to you being a damn bigot.

If you think it was the insult that made me respond... uhh no.
Have a look at my first post to you.

You were talking about canon child characters.
I was clarifying what you were on about.
Because thanks to your less-than-stellar sentence construction, you just seemed like someone who was transphobic and butthurt about gender stereotypes.
Really, have you read your own words?

So for:
(A) People will stop assuming you are a homophobe when the first impressions you leave make that clear. Your communication is abominable. You do yourself a disservice. To many it seemed clear that you were an intolerant so-and-so.

and:
(B) If you want us to “fucking listen to you
speaking of not being listened to” then do it on your own damn blog. Not someone’s story comments.

The decent thing to do now would be to stop and apologise to the author.

Then take this to PM’s if you still insist on ranting, but as I’ve already made my stance clear (which actually supports you, ironically) there is not much point in doing so.

This didn’t start with you being attacked.

[White seal]

10883822
Dude stop, people clearly don't like you (5 fricking dislikes under 1 hour wow), people CAN and WILL make fanfics where characters behave differently than in the show (i'm not saying it's a bad thing), reread what you commented because half of this don't make ANY sense (and honestly it's quite pathetic) and come back when you grow up

[White seal]

10883831
Don't apologise, you did nothing wrong :)

[Gyro Pony]

10883831
It’s ok, you don’t need to explain yourself.

We know you’re not trying to marginalise cross-dressers. That vibe was not felt.

Sorry you have these ugly comments by someone who has a bee in their bonnet.
I tried to approach them politely at the start - they seemed like one of the crowd who gets upset with gender norms being poked at. They mashed their words so terribly. People were thinking they were against their own cause, now we know what that is.

I don’t think you’ll get an apology from them, so here’s one from me. Sorry you had to put up with that. I hope it ends here.

[Dashie04]

10883867
Me too, honestly, it’s been stressing me out.

[Late_Night]

10883842
i will not apologize for speaking my mind

10883846
get better bait, dude

[Charlie_K]

10883834
Well that part is good to know, at least.

[White seal]

10883885
Look at that, isn't it ridiculous? Maybe it will leave if we all laught at it.

[Late_Night]

10883902
0/8 m8