The Centuar race and ponykind have been at peace for longer than any pony can remember, ever since Lord Tirek united the lands under his rule.
This is the story of one pony fleeing her destiny and discovering that history really is written by the victors. Can she change things or is one pony not enough?
An AU where Lord Tirek won against Starswirl the Bearded and was never locked up in Tartarus.
Cover art done by myself. Suggestions for improvement welcome. Wouldn't mind an editor, can be hard to catch one's own mistakes
Chapters (2)
Seems like a decent start, always a fan of AU things of this nature.
For improvements, was the use of present-tense intentional? Past-tense is the standard. Also, a couple things for the description. The second part of the description is fine, but consider changing the first part from this:
“The Centuar race and ponykind have been at peace for longer than any pony can remember, ever since Lord Tirek united the lands under his rule.”
To this:
“Ponykind has been at peace with the centaurs for longer than anyone can remember, ever since Lord Tirek united the lands under his rule.”
Ponies are at the forefront of every reader’s mind, so you can ease them into this new AU more smoothly by starting the sentence with the familiar, and then mentioning the centaurs second. It’s a super small thing, but it helps when presenting a new idea.
“Centaur” and other species names don’t need to be capitalised, unless “Centaurs” is the title of their civilisation or their government or something to that effect.
Use “anyone” instead of “anypony” for the sake of in-universe consistency. There’s only one chapter at the time of writing this comment, but I’m assuming from the description that interactions between ponies and centaurs are commonplace and are generally amicable. Therefore, it makes more sense to use a more overarching term like “anyone” since the society they live in isn’t only comprised of ponies. It’s just like the use of “anycreature” in the show, but without sounding silly.
Hope this helps!
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It doesn't really matter what the standard for tense is however there do seem to be some past-present tense mistakes here and there, like
10918841
I'll try to fix that after work. Thank you for pointing it out, I missed that.
I have to admit, I don’t like to read incomplete stories. Still, I really liked this.
I’ll help you with plotholes, grammar, spelling and the like if you want. Just PM me a gDoc link or something.
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That's amazing, thank you. It means a lot to me. Ill send you a link after work. Currently the next chapter is only on paper because I've been trying to work on it during my lunch break. I can send you the links for these two chapters, some story notes I have, and I can show you rough outline of events for the next two chapters? It will have to be after work, easier to send links for the computer
Interesting AU, definitely haven't read something like it yet. I'm gonna be tracking this one and see where it goes.
I think I saw a post asking for some feedback, so here are a few suggestions and recommendations:
The punctuation in some places need revision. This is just an example. Even if you interrupt the dialogue with description, if it's a full question it should end with a question mark not a comma.
I'm not sure if you're trying to stylize your descriptions or if this is just inexperience, but the word choice here is a little awkward. The same idea could be written as "Her dad's presence melted the stress off her shoulders." We know she hasn't taken the shower yet, so it doesn't need to be restated.
But, if the analogy is so important, it can also be written like: "She hadn't taken that hot shower yet, but already her dad's presence washed off the pile of stress on her shoulders."
There are a few smaller typos.
Should be "sobered up."
The main thing is to polish up your word choice and syntax. It reads awkwardly in quite a few places, which becomes distracting from the story you're trying to tell. But it is by no means a bad start, so just keep on improving.
Dead.