Why We Have Traffic Laws
"And so, fillies and gentlecolts, I am pleased to present to you the genius behind the automobile, Fast Wheels!"
A light green Pegasus stallion with a jet black wheel cutie mark and a dark blue mane stood up from his seat in front of a small class of ponies who had just received their drivers licenses and were eager to get out on the road for the first time. They all cheered him as he stood up and waked in front of the class. He smiled at the display and put his hoof up to silence them.
"Thank you, thank you all, you really are too kind," he said happily. The class calmed down and he dove into his lecture. "Okay, as I'm sure you are all aware, your teacher asked me to come here today to explain the importance of driving safely around Equestria and I feel that as the inventor of the car, it is my duty to answer those kinds of requests."
He began pacing back and forth as he tried to think of exactly what to say next. Confound his inability to think up good lectures. He never really was very good in front of crowds.
"Uh...so I bet you're all wondering why we have traffic laws?" he said with a nervous grin. He saw a few of the ponies in the audience groan slightly, anticipating another boring lecture from an authority figure. He frowned at them; it was actually a really neat story, albeit terrifying at the time. He cleared his throat and continued.
"Well," he said resolutely. "It's actually a pretty interesting story. You see, I had just perfected my invention and after a few final test runs, I was asked to come to Canterlot to give a personal demonstration to Princess Celestia herself!"
Fast Wheels looked towards the class once again. A few of them looked vaguely more interested at the story at this point which only inspired him to continue on.
"I remember it like it was yesterday. Heck, I'll probably remember it like that for the rest of my life..."
* * * *
Five Years Earlier
Fast Wheels looked at the crane operator then back to the large crate that housed his invention, which was currently being loaded off of a train, now back to the operator, now back to the crate. Luckily enough for Fast Wheels, the operator didn't seem to be too intoxicated and as such, he had no problem placing the crate down safely on the unloading platform. Fast Wheels gave a sigh of relief and walked over to the crate.
As the workers advanced towards the crate with crowbars in hoof, or magic, Fast Wheels remembered the years of work that had gone into this machine. Oh how frequent were the long nights where he would spend all night wondering whether he should put a single small cog in the engine or if that would throw the whole process off only to decide to put the cog in to discover that he had been right to keep it out. He would have learned to trust his instincts if his instincts weren't as bad at guessing the right answer as he was on his own.
There were so many times where he had to simply start from scratch with the whole darn thing which meant more of his money went away which meant that he had to take out another loan to pay for basic necessities. Explosions had been quite frequent in the beginning and even near the end, he still found himself washing off the residue of a nasty explosion in his garage. It was a wonder that he hadn't died in some of them.
Still, seeing the crate fall away to reveal his new invention made it all worth it. It had a sleek frame with an immaculately polished red paint job and jet black tires to reflect his cutie mark. The engine was a state-of-the-art 400 pony-power electronically fuel injected masterpiece (if he did say so himself) and it was the perfect engine to power his machine. Heck, he probably could have made a killing just selling the engine as that alone was a marvelous achievement.
He walked over to the car and smiled at it fondly. Oh yes, this was sure to impress the Princess.
He opened the door and stepped inside the car. He sat himself comfortably on the seat and pressed a button on the dashboard. The car roared to life, causing the workers to back away from it uneasily, hoping that this machine wouldn't malfunction and cause any damage. Fast Wheels grinned and slid his hooves into two straps on the steering wheel, which allowed him to steer properly, before placing his right back leg on the gas pedal.
He grinned as the car revved up, causing the workers to take another step back, before he pressed down on the pedal and drove away.
Oh Celestia, the machine worked like a charm. Fast Wheels had no doubts that this machine would revolutionize the way Earth Ponies and Unicorns traveled. Pegasi would undoubtedly buy them too, but they could fly so they probably would choose that instead overall. Not that he minded though, the unicorns and Earth Ponies would all undoubtedly flock to his invention in the hopes that they could match the speed of their Pegasus counterparts.
As he drove towards the castle, the Canterlot bystanders all looked at the car in total shock. Fast Wheels grinned as he actually saw one or two monocles pop out of the eyes of a few startled ponies. Doubtlessly then had never seen anything like this before. Heck, there had never been anything like this before to begin with.
Within ten minutes, he arrived at Canterlot Castle to see Princess Celestia herself awaiting her arrival with a large entourage of important looking ponies, all of them gaping at the sight of the car. Fast Wheels gulped nervously. This was beginning to be a bit intimidating for him, but he resolutely pressed on and parked right next to Princess Celestia and exited the car.
Celestia smiled fondly at him and he bowed to her.
"Princess Celestia," he began. "I am Fast Wheels and I am here to present my greatest invention: the car."
The elite all looked at the car with a mix of awe and suspicion, wondering just what it was that this machine did. Celestia sighed and had Fast Wheels stand up.
"Please, no need to be formal with me," she said kindly. "This is just a casual demonstration."
"Oh, of course," he said. "Uh...so what do you want to know?"
Celestia didn't answer the question but instead walked closer to the car and examined it interestedly. Silence filled the air as Princess Celestia examined every detail of the car, even lifting up the hood to take a peek at the interior. Each passing second was pure torture to Fast Wheels as he fully expected Celestia's rejection of his masterpiece. When Celestia rejected something, it stayed rejected.
Celestia closed the hood and gave one final nod before returning back to Fast Wheels.
"Is it safe?" she asked.
"I have tested it over and over again, Princess. I can assure you that it is perfectly safe," he said with more than a hint of pride in his voice. Celestia gave a small chuckle before moving on.
"Well then, I think the only thing left for me to do is take it for a test drive," she said. Fast Wheels' heart skipped a beat. Princess Celestia actually wanted to drive the car!?
"Oh...uh, sure," he said nervously before opening the door to the car. "Uh, step right in I guess."
Celestia nodded and thanked him before getting into the car. Thankfully, he had made it large enough that Celestia fit into the car without much of a problem at all. He closed the door once she had gotten in before rushing towards the passenger door and entering the car himself.
"Okay," said Celestia, looking at the various meters and buttons in front of her. "What do I do?"
"Uh, first you press this button to start it," he said, pointing at the ignition button. Celestia nodded and pressed the button before giving a slight jump when the car roared to life.
"What does it run on?" she asked.
"Uh, steam. It runs on steam." Celestia nodded and put her hooves through the straps on the steering wheel.
"Is this right?" she asked. Fast Wheels nodded before pointing towards her hooves.
"The pedal on the right is how you go; the pedal on the left is how you stop. When you want to turn, you simply have to turn the wheel in the direction that you want to go," he said.
"Sounds simple enough," said Celestia uneasily. She pressed the acceleration pedal and immediately the car lurched forward at 50 MPH. Celestia slammed on the brakes and the car immediately screeched to a halt. "What happened, what did I do wrong!?" asked Celestia wildly. Fast Wheels took a moment to recover before answering.
"You didn't do anything wrong," he said gently. "I forgot to mention that the harder you press down on the acceleration pedal, the faster the car goes."
"I see," said Celestia with a nod. "Let's try that again then, shall we?"
"Yes...of course," said Fast Wheels nervously.
Celestia gingerly pressed her hoof down on the acceleration pedal and the car moved forward at a measly pace. After the first attempt, Celestia seemed too nervous to go any faster than that.
Fast Wheels sighed as he watched a butterfly slowly pass the car before he cleared his throat.
"Uh, I think you can go a little faster than this," he said.
"Right, right," said Celestia as she eased the acceleration pedal down slightly more. The car lurched forward a little faster and Celestia slammed on the brakes once more. Fast Wheels grimaced as he wasn't sure if his car could handle continuous abrupt starts and stops like that. He put his hoof over the steering wheel to stop Celestia.
"Princess, before we continue, may I ask what you are afraid of?" he said. Truth be told, the mere thought of doing just what he was doing was beyond terrifying to him but he had to relax her if his baby was going to get home without any damage to the brakes.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Uh, well you keep slamming on the brakes any time you go faster than ten miles an hour and I was wondering why," he said. Oh goodness, he was going to visibly freak out soon. How he had the nerve in the first place to question Celestia like this was beyond him.
"Well, this is quite a unique experience," said Celestia. "I've never quite done this before and I'm worried that I would damage it or something else somehow."
"Just relax and you'll get the hang of it soon enough," he said kindly. Celestia nodded and Fast Wheels took his hoof off of the steering wheel, praising Luna that Celestia hadn't gotten angry with him.
Celestia took a deep breath and pressed the acceleration pedal once more and the car began to pick up speed. Celestia tensed up at first but within a few moments, she relaxed a bit more and a wide smile crossed her face. She turned left to drive down an empty road near the outskirts of Canterlot.
"So," she said after a moment. "What are you afraid of?" Fast Wheels' heart skipped a beat and he stuttered out a response.
"I uh...what d-d-do you mean?" he asked.
"I'm no fool," said Celestia. "When you were trying to relax me it looked as if you were about to have a heart attack."
"Well that's because I was about to have a heart attack," he said with a nervous grin. "I mean, you're the freaking sun goddess of Equestria and here I am trying to give you a...motivational speech about driving a new invention of mine that your word can make or break. It's more than a little intimidating." Celestia sighed as she took a right turn in an attempt to find her way back to the castle.
"Don't tell anypony this, but I'm not perfect," she said. "I have emotions beyond just serenity and anger you know. Being thousands of years old means that I rarely get new experiences and when they are of this nature, I can get a little intimidated." Fast Wheels didn't even know how to respond to that answer and truth be told, it didn't really make him feel any less intimidated to hear it.
"Well," he said, trying to think of something to get the conversation going again. "That's...very interesting." He mentally kicked himself. Why couldn't he be more eloquent? Celestia smiled warmly at him as the car moved up the road towards Canterlot Castle.
Fast Wheels could see the same group of snobby ponies eagerly awaiting the return of Celestia only this time, a dark blue alicorn was waiting for them as well. Fast Wheels gulped. It was Princess Luna.
Celestia stopped in front of the crowd which lightly stomped their hooves in a polite clap. Celestia and Fast Wheels exited the car as Princess Luna walked over to them.
"Pray tell dear sister, but what is this contraption?" she asked interestedly.
"I'll leave that for him to explain as I don't quite understand all of the details myself," said Celestia, pointing a hoof at Fast Wheels. Confound it, now he was put on the spot with Princess Luna.
"Uh....well it's, um a...it's a car," he finished lamely. Luna walked up to the car and examined it.
"What purpose does it serve?" she asked.
"I guess you could call it a miniature train that doesn't need tracks," said Celestia. "Is that right?"
"Uh...sure," said Fast Wheels.
"You were in control of it?" asked Luna, examining the interior of the car by looking through the driver's window.
"Yes I was," said Celestia proudly. "I think I did pretty well if I do say so myself."
"May We try?" asked Luna eagerly.
"Well I don't see why not as long as you are careful," said Celestia. "Is that alright with you?" Fast Wheels nearly died from a heart attack right there. He would have to be in the car with the two most powerful ponies in Equestria while they scrutinized his invention. He couldn't decide if this was turning out to be a great day or a terrible one.
"Uh...sure," he said again. Luna eagerly opened the driver's door and got into the car. Fast Wheels quickly returned to his spot in the front passenger's seat. Celestia opened one of the back doors and got in the back. When she had shut the door, Luna eagerly looked at Fast Wheels.
"How do We operate this 'car' you have created?" she asked.
"Uh...you see those two pedals down by your back hooves? The one on the right is the acceleration and the left one is the brake. You start it with this button here," he said.
"The harder you press the acceleration, the faster the car goes," said Celestia. Luna nodded and pressed the button. When the car revved up, she gave a satisfied grin and gingerly pushed the acceleration pedal.
Luna moved along at a mere fifteen miles an hour for a few minutes before she glanced at the many meters behind the steering wheel.
"What are these?" she asked.
"Oh, the one on the left is your speedometer, that tells you how fast you are going, the one next to that is how much fuel you have, and the one next to that is how many miles the car has been driven."
"Speedometer," said Luna to herself. "We see that it can advance up to 120 miles an hour. Is this the truth?"
"Well yes but..."
Before he could go any further Luna slammed her hoof on the acceleration pedal as hard as she could. Immediately the car shot forward with the speedometer recording the rapidly increasing speed.
"Luna!" said Celestia angrily. "Slow down! You don't need to go this fast!"
"We disagree dear sister!" said Luna happily. "This is most exhilarating!"
The car was going at 90 miles an hour now and it was all Fast Wheels could to to resist the urge to scream in terror and close his eyes. As it was, he was sure that this was the end.
Luna suddenly turned sharply, nearly tipping the car over but the car stayed upright and Luna zoomed down a busy intersection.
"Oh dear," said Fast Wheels to himself. Luna unfortunately soon figured out where the horn was and she used her magic to press it down, commanding bystanders to get out of the way.
"Luna, you can't go down the main road in Canterlot at 100 miles an hour! You need to slow down!" said Celestia angrily. Luna paid no attention and instead began swerving to avoid ponies that didn't get out of the way fast enough.
"Huzzah!" she said happily. "We did not run over that mare with her child!"
"We wouldn't have to worry about that if you would just slow down!" said Celestia.
"We are sorry sister, but We cannot hear you since the car is so loud!" said Luna with a giggle.
"Oh that does it," said Celestia angrily. "You are going to stop this car one way or the other!" Celestia fired up her horn to stop the car but Luna figured out her plan pretty fast.
"Oh no you don't sister!" she said as she fired up her own horn to block Celestia's spell. Fast Wheels sighed.
What did I do wrong? he asked himself as the goddess of the sun dueled the goddess of the moon in his car while going 110 miles an hour down a busy street. I thought I was a good pony. What have I done to deserve this?
"I'll incinerate the car Luna, I swear I will!" said Celestia angrily as Luna blocked her spell to slow down the car.
"NO!" said Luna and Fast Wheels at the same time.
"We would crash into something without the benefit of the car to protect us!" said Luna.
"Can we just go back to the castle?" asked Fast Wheels.
"But We have not yet hit 120 yet!" said Luna excitedly.
"We're at 115, isn't that good enough for you?" asked Celestia angrily.
"No it is not!" said Luna as she blocked another one of Celestia's spells. "We must hit 120 miles an hour in order to achieve maximum fun!"
"Is crashing the car and killing him 'fun' to you?"
"We will not crash!" said Luna confidently. "We are in total control!"
It was at that exact moment that Luna crashed the car into a lamppost.
Fast Wheels was sent flying through the windshield at 80 miles an hour and he landed outside the car and skidded down the road for about thirty feet before coming to a total stop. He stood up to find that he was completely unharmed. Celestia had obviously put a protection spell on him.
Luna stepped out of the car wreckage, a gigantic smile on her face. She saw Fast Wheels and before he could do anything, she ran up to him and hugged him tightly.
"We thank you for that most joyous of experiences!" she said happily. "We wish to have one of these marvelous machines!"
"NO!" said Celestia, as she too stepped out of the car, rage dripping from every word. "You are never allowed to drive a car again as long as you live!"
"Oh Tia, it's not like you can really stop me if I really want to do it and I really want to do it again!" she said. "I will sponsor more of your cars!"
Fast Wheels really didn't know exactly how to respond to this. On one hoof, Princess Luna herself absolutely adored his invention and was ready to pay him to make more. On the other hoof, she had just destroyed his beautiful car and Celestia was furious with her.
"I'll allow the sponsorship since I myself really enjoyed the car, but I will not allow Luna behind the wheel again!" she said. A large crowd was gathering around the wreck, most of them muttering excitedly amongst themselves. Most had never seen Celestia and Luna this close before and they had certainly never seen the two bicker like this. Luna gave groan of annoyance.
"Thou cannot stop us from driving a car once more Tia!" she said. To Fast Wheels' surprise, a sly smile crossed Celestia's face.
"I suppose not," she said. "But I can do what I do best to restrict you." Luna looked at her confusedly.
"But Tia, the sun is already in the sky." Celestia rolled her eyes.
"Fine, the second best thing."
"Mentor powerful unicorns like Twilight Sparkle?"
"Third most!"
"Eat cake?"
"I'm going to write new laws!" said Celestia irritatedly.
"Oh," said Luna. "You mean the eighteenth best thing." Celestia's eye twitched a bit but she let the issue drop.
Fast Wheels sighed and walked over to the destroyed remains of his once beautiful machine. All the windows were broken, the two front tires were blown out, the front of the car was practically wrapped around the lamppost and the paint job was an absolute wreck. He ran his hoof over the front of the car and did his best to hold back tears.
"I'm so sorry baby," he said to the car. "I didn't know she would do this to you."
"You know that we can fix that, right?" said Celestia. Fast Wheels turned around to see the entire crowd looking sadly at him. They felt his loss too. At Celestia's word though, he perked up a bit.
"You...you can?" Luna rolled her eyes.
"We are the two most powerful ponies in Equestria, capable of raising the sun and the moon. Surely you do not think that a simple repair job is beyond us?" said Luna.
The two sisters fired up their horns and shot a beam of magic at the car. The car was engulfed in a bright white light to the point that Fast Wheels had to cover his eyes to avoid the brightness.
When the light faded, Fast Wheels looked at the car and saw with pure joy that it had been completely repaired.
"You fixed it!" he said happily.
"Told ya," said Celestia. Fast Wheels walked up to his car and smiled.
"I'm so glad you're okay."
* * * *
"And that is why we have traffic laws in Equestria today," said Fast Wheels.
Every single pony in the room was looking at him with eyes as wide as dinner plates. He smiled proudly at his success.
"Any questions?" he asked. A Pegasus in the front row raised her hoof and Fast Wheels pointed at her.
"So let me see if I have this right," she said. "There are traffic laws in Equestria because when Princess Luna tried out your car for the very first time, she almost killed everypony in Canterlot with her reckless driving before running into a lamppost?"
"That's about the gist of it," said Fast Wheels with a nod. The entire class let out an awed 'wow' and Fast Wheels grinned at their wonder.
"Well, I have to go now," he said. "It was nice getting to talk to all of you!"
The class gave him a standing ovation as he exited the room.
* * * *
Fast Wheels gave an exhausted groan as he unlocked the door to his house and walked over to his couch. He plopped down onto it and glanced at the nearby table.
Seeing a scroll with the royal seal on it, he brought it over to himself and opened it.
Dear Fast Wheels
We would like to begin this letter by apologizing to thee. Apparently We did not understand that your car could not do jumps over rivers even when a sufficiently large ramp is placed in the correct spot to attempt such an endeavor. If thou would be so kind as to consider this oversight during your next round of designs, We would be most grateful.
Princess Luna
Fast Wheels tossed the letter aside and groaned before burying his face in a pillow.
Why me?
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Next time on Fimfiction: Luna drives train!
...
What the fuck happened to the community? Where are the awesome adventure stories?
Now we are stuck with red&black alicorn OCs, shipping and "Luna shoves cellphone in her butt" oneshots.
(Actually the real "Luna Shoves a Cellphone Up Her Plot " was frigging amazing.)
I, for one, enjoy the story
but I have to agree with zel. (I have absolutely no idea how to tag others' names in comments)
sorry
This dead horse has been beaten so much, it's practically a puddle of gore in the dirt resembling bad chili con carne.
1223230
Click on the icon at top right of the comment and a number with two > > will appear in your reply box, which will later be processed as a reference to the comment.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Sweetie_Belle_lolface.png
1223254
I thank thee kind sir. Had it been serpentine in nature, it would have sunk its venomous fangs into mine flesh. Please accept three confused Rainbow Dashes as a token of my gratitude
1223482
dude, GTFO! I've seen you spam lots of other fics with this same sh*t.
1223186>>1223548 Okay, what is going on? I take it that someone spammed my story which now makes me confused as to what comments are directed at who!
1223781 Damn seems like my recent comments were removed too, since I reported to the mods.
Basically, some fag was posting adverts here.
1223781
yeah, those comments were directed to said fag. sorry for the confusion
1223786 Sorry, I was the one who deleted them because I thought a flame war was going on. I just saw your side and didn't know it was somepony else who was being a jerk. Sorry...
1223965
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png
Nah, do not worry, I did not mean to insult you or anything, sorry if it seemed like it.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_gaze.png
1223988 You're fine. Now that I know what was going on, it makes a ton more sense. Thanks for reading at any rate!
Awesome job man hilarious story and just amazing.
Luna needs a motorcycle.
nice story
images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/26300000/Over-9000-Luna-princess-luna-26377347-500-601.jpg
1239600 Working on that story...
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW AMUSED I AM RIGHT NOW...
Hysterical That was AWESOME
*Falls over laughing* Fantastic!
.... dude my friends thought i was insane for laughing at my phone while reading this LOL....AMAZING :D
Aww!! C'mon you made me choke on my food!! (I meant this in a good way)
1223186
I am really hoping that that last one is an exaggerated jab at the constant 'x pony does y thing' stories.
Please tell me that it is pure exaggeration.
Love it.
Why don't I see a luna enters racing circuit yet with this
'"Huzzah!" she said happily. "We did not run over that mare with her child!"'
The whole story was brilliant. Celestia had a fun new voice to her, and I'm pretty sure you have Luna's voice down to a fine art. Fast Wheels was a lovely OC; he had such a clear image and voice to him. The "bookends" also worked perfectly for the story. The letter from Luna at the end was hilarious and a beautiful touch to make it feel really complete. I most definitely give this a
1239600 No. Luna needs a super car.
To be completely frank, I agree with Luna racing, but a super car? Really? That's going a little too far...
Over all, Bronywriter you always surprise me.
I wrote a review of this story here.
5338399 Yeah, not one of my best stories. I keep telling people to not read my earliest stuff (Killer Rarity stories aside) but do they ever listen? No!
5338812
Hehe, sorry~ It was on the related stories list for A Canterlot Carol. And was actually finished! Unlike several of them.
What's your best story, would you say?
5338824 Eh... hard to say, since a lot of them are so vastly different. My best short story is, without a doubt, Broken Gladiator. My best novel was the Secret Life of Rarity, but now that I've grown more as an author (in terms of writing characters and stories, and mechanically) I'd say TD the Alicorn Princess has just the scope and characters that I've never matched in any of my other stories. Not to say I don't like Secret Life anymore. Far from it. I love all four of them. In terms of my comedies... that one's tough. I'd say Princess Celestia gets Mugged is my favorite, but people don't think that it's aged very well. Elizabeak people get a few chuckles out of, and there are good parts in most of the non-Brony stories. I am excited for TD vs Equestria Girls. I have some excellent ideas for that one.
*sigh* I know, I know, I milk the character a ton, but if I can keep coming up with good, engaging stories with interesting characters and nice humor that don't feel stale, why wouldn't I keep going?
Anyway... yeah, after 61 stories, it gets kind of hard to pick.
This was a very good short story! OMG Luna I love you you're such a cute bundle of fun and laughter! Luna was HILARIOUS in this story!
...and thus Luna's adopted batpony child becomes Evel Knieval.
How did I not bump into this story sooner?
This was extremely funny.
7634322
I'm asking the same question!
7634322
10980827
Probably because it's almost ten years old and was never that popular.
Out of these cars, which does it resemble?
2010 Dodge Challenger.
2006 Chevy Cobalt.
2008 Mitsubishi Eclipse.
Note, they're all red!
5338812
Well screw that because I'm reading all your stories starting from your oldest!