Jack was a normal teenage boy, other than the fact that he suffered from a deep depression. Well, maybe he was normal, everybody had depressing moments in their life, he was no exception. But something happens that forces him to believe he isn't normal. After wishing he could live in the world of Equestria, things take a turn for the worse.
He wakes up in Equestria and was extremely excited, only to find he was one of the most hated creatures - a changeling.
Will Jack be able to fit in as a regular pony? Or will he sink back into depression after torment from the ponies he once loved?
Will he end up fighting against the ones he once loved just to get his freedom?
Chapters (38)
Inb4 downvoted to oblivion
1208677 This comment. It makes me laugh.
After reading, I won't say it hasn't been done before, but at least you have good grammar.
The only issue I have with this is that I don't think Celestia would be so quick to judge. I feel she'd give him a chance to explain himself at least.
cool story
I like it.
Write more.
The fast pace is actually a bit refreshing, since a lot of this crap has been done already. Mulling over moral dillemmas is nice sometimes, but it's been done before with this stuff.
lets see how this play out
1209334
img205.imageshack.us/img205/175/lunacoolstorybro.png
Him and a few thousand others, this has been used in so many HiE's I just want to murder someone...
1209643 I have to agree. Depressed teenage brony -> sent to Equestria. I can't imagine the workload the pony psychiatrists would have.
Well this is 'the bomb' shall I say.
Take this Doug
gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs/143332_o.gif
Yeah I always have trouble coming up with starts to stories, and I prefer that the reader doesn't truly understand the character at the start. As for the HiE, I know It's kind of Cliche but I needed somewhere to start, and I felt this would be the best.
I don't really care about downvotes, really, I just wanted to get a start somewhere. That helped me to come up with a couple more ideas, one of which I have gotten started on.
Don't expect updates everyday, since schools back.
Thanks for the feedback!
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP i say slow down there buckaroo!
I was writing based on the situation. If you're excited, happy, nervous or in a panic things seem to go by faster. If you scared, hurt, upset, or confused things usually go slower. Since theres a lot of excitement, panic ect. it's only appropriate that the story goes at a faster speed.
First
And MOAR !! I am liking this story
yeeees MOOOOOOAAARR!
I'll try, expect one tomorrow.
I am in agreement with omega-ze-wargod... sloooww down there kido! Take a little more time! It felt quiet fast... I do have some suggestions and take them as such... just suggestions.
For one give him a little more time to learn how to work his new body. You don't have to spend multiple paragraphs on it but I'd say suddenly having a new body is something that takes time getting used to.
I'd also recommend giving some of his thoughts to give some explanation as to why he's doing what he's doing, after all he did some things I didn't quiet get but if I'd had some of his thoughts I'd have been more understanding. I'd say a good example is chasing AFTER Fluttershy. I know I'm not exactly an expert on being a changling and running into the person you're impersonating however if I ran into them and they ran off I wouldn't run TOWARDS them, I'd run FAR FAR FAR away. So just something there to explain why he's running after Fluttershy and why he's heading towards Ponyvile... you know... looking like the person he's chasing.
My next suggestion is just to use more 5 dollar words rather than 1 dollar words (I don't know where that expression came from but it's just something that I was taught.)
Take this bit from your work: "Out of the corner of his eye he saw something moving in the sky. It was moving relatively quickly, but living in the big city had a lot of those kinds of things."
For example if you were to change "saw" with something like "noticed, caught sight of," or "glimpsed" it's the same word however it adds a little extra meaning. Such as how "glimpsed" gives the impression that he just saw it for a moment while "caught sight of" is seeing something rather suddenly but still getting a good look at it... well... at least that's the impression it gives ME which is by no means the law of the land.
Otherwise an interesting premise and I shall be reading onto the rest.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
1219852
I understand where you're coming from. I've taken some time to re-read the first one, and I get how it was a little fast paced. I may make some changes soon, maybe before the next chapter. Expect some rework of the first chapters (maybe the second chapter, not sure yet), as for the third chapter I made sure to go over it three times as opposed to once or twice. Hopefully it's a little better.
Hu... I... just feel like Celestia wouldn't be so quick to judge him... at the very least I feel like she'd be willing to hear out his tale from him rather than just "to the MOOOOOON
" And as mentioned before it really does still feel fast, however again I shall read on!
1219901 Excellent! One of the traps that I fall into as a writer is when I know why my characters are doing something but I just don't bother to explain why (unless I purposefully am leaving the reader in the dark) so I thought I'd just point 'em out. And while it still does feel a tad fast I can say that it's slowing down and feeling a bit more natural. And of course the more you write the better you'll get/feel about it so keep at it!
1219901 If there's one thing I can't stand... it's when an author rewrites their chapters.
I wouldn't be on the 3rd goddammed chapter if I didn't like the first 2!
Granted, they are flawed, but nopony's perfect. Sometimes an imperfection, like a slightly fast pace, gives a story character. Like I said before, the fast pace and shortness of this is a breath of fresh air amongst other fics with extended mullings over moral dillemmas and philosophical implications. Not that I don't like some of those too, but still, this particular story has its own character. Why rob it of that?
That having been said, there's no reason why future chapters can't be longer or more in depth, if you feel the need to change your style as you move along.
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Jack sure seems to get teleported by royalty a lot. It almost feels like a tennis game between Celestia and Chrysalis.
1221777
Don't worry, it's not an entire rewrite. I just changed a line or two to make things a little more clear.
By the way the way that pic made me laugh
EDIT: Well, most of your pics make me laugh anyways.
Chapter 4 is up!
I DEMAND SHENANIGINS NOW
i love this story
1227154
Oh don't worry, I feel like there's going to be some sort of comedy scene coming up soon.
1227422
Thanks!
I think I may be able to get two or three chapters done tomorrow, since most of my school work is due tomorrow or Monday!
I notice one thing about the way changelings can change form. If you created a pony using other pony's looks and colors, You will make your own look and If he made apony oc before ending up in Equestria, He could use that SINCE he saw it already and improv will help with his voice and act. Doesn't that seem right? But back to what I mean to say, Nice chapter and hope to read more.
1228865
That is kind of what I was building towards. Just wait to find out what happens when he makes it back to the city again.
Gray and Black... Nice choice and why does it closely resemble my OC? But Nice chapter.
omg lag hax moar now
First and Great job ! Im liking this .
Ya know that cherry orchard from the show was in Dodge Junction. I'm just saying.
And yea man, was that 2 chapters in 1 day? Nice.
1232849
Alright fixed that. Was half paying attention music had me in the mood
1231974
I still have no idea what you're talking about >.>
Great job I like the way you write it feel as though I have know Jack for a long time now.I love that in a story.
1233138 you know perfectly well ... now stop responding to these comments and back to writing!!!
The story's pretty good so far, though you might consider making the chapters longer instead of breaking them up so often.
I get the impression that Biggs and Wings aren't terribly bright, even considering changeling standards. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Queen_Chrysalis.png
If I were a changeling in Jack's situation, I'd probably create a new identity every day or at least whenever I wanted to have a new welcome party!
I read one chapter tis morning and another after school, Best times. And nice two for one throw, and it is great.
Nice
1233476
I try to write as much as I can, I can only get so much done at a time. Also, I try to keep the titles true to the chapter itself, as in, keep the events similair / related to the current subject
1233200
It's weird how I see myself saying this...
Twilight knows
Well.. Maybe
Personally I don't think she knows, I get the feeling she likes him
Sorry about the late post. I started on the story earlier, but I had work. Then I had to babysit. You know how life can be... Pretty Life-y and stuff
.
Hope you enjoy!
That was a good chapter . Good cliff hanger . Cant wait for more .. First to not be first
I did thx. Can not wait until the next chapter!
Yay! Someone got hurt! I can't wait to see what happens to him in the next chapter, nice work!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANd its gone he lost the speeeeeeel broke hes dead gooby pls
1244837 It's alright, and you did do fantastic but I think Twilight did it on purpose to see if he is a changeling.