To everyone else, Ponyville seemed like such a perfect and idyllic utopia where nopony had any worries in the world. For Sharp Iron however, he knew that there was much more to life than many of those in Equestria knew of. It had become his mission to reveal the truth of our "purpose" to those around him, all while learning more about who they were as his neighbors.
(Information about OCs is in a separate blog post: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/933935/meet-the-characters-bios-and-pics-of-ocs)
Chapters (12)
Nice
I think this needs the "Crossover" tag with the Bible.
10633515
It wasn't intended to be a crossover quite like that
10632448
Thank you
Very good start. :)
10634343
Thank you
If you or anyone has any suggestions for a sequel, please let me know (I might just do that kind of thing)
Interesting first chapter. Some things I noticed:
1. there is a bit of cheese regarding what the secretary said about her devotional time. I have worked in a church and nobody spoke quite like that. It sounded rehearsed not organic. You might want to rehash the wording there.
2. You might want to specify what period in Twilight's life this is. While the show clearly depicts her having an existential crisis after she became an Alicorn, the show also brings closure to it later. The part where she is having the crisis would (in my mind) be the best time to place this.
3. No characters in the show use telephones or name their offspring Jr. That bugged me quite a lot. There are plenty of other ways you could do this.
10637220
I appreciate your feedback here and I hope you will continue to read it.
To address your points:
1) That wasn't my intention, but I'll see if I can tweak that a bit
2) Based on the appearances of certain characters as well as some of the references, I'd say this mostly aligns with about Season 4 or 5.
3) Telephones actually have a canon existence in the show and make several appearances, most notably in Rarity Takes Manhatten, among others: https://mlp.fandom.com/wiki/My_Little_Pony_Friendship_is_Magic_Wiki:Workshop/Phones
As for the Jr. nitpick, I'll also think about it
A ton of information here. Feels like a sermon instead of a conversation.
Dialogue still feels rehearsed. Good content for certain though.
Interesting alternate history. One thing bugged me about it though, the pastor should have told Fluttershy that the crimes of her ancestors were not on her shoulders. Jesus shouldered those burdens so no others would need to. Seems like a missed opportunity.
10638795
He does when he reassures Fluttershy that modern-day pegasi are basically much less violent
than their ancient ancestors. He affirms this by saying that modern-day pegasi can join his
church if they so turn away from their brutish ways.
10638738
I try my best
10638795
I believe the line you're looking for is:
“Now, now. The pegasi may be brash, but they’re no longer violent. Any pegasus who wants to join my church is welcome to do so, just as Pastor Wrought Iron did with those who disagreed with the Pegasus Empire leadership. Do not feel guilty, Fluttershy.”
This basically implies that Fluttershy, nor modern pegasi, are guilty for the sins of their ancestors.
The dialogue in this chapter feels unconnected, like the scriptural quotes are tossed in arbitrarily without much to relate them to the contexts of the conversations. The only one that really felt like it belonged was the reference to Proverbs 28:1 (which is a personal favorite of mine)
Okay, now this chapter felt more organic and the scriptural references and quotes were spot-on. This chapter was really good.
And now I know what has been bothering me the most: your depictions of the Mane 6 have been really off, not about their actions, but about their mannerisms and speech. The speech and dialogue does not follow the minor idiosyncrasies of each character from the show.
I would like to ask something of you. After I finish reading your story, would you be willing to read mine?
10639712
Of course. Just send me a link
10640093 Here you go. Fair warning, I write true to life and never spare any details.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/167251/the-unity-pact
This chapter went too smoothly. Like Trix believed what she was told without question and a bit too quickly. I mean, the story of how it happened was a darn good one, but the specifics feel... wonky. Like it was too easy and not at all realistic. Man, that sounds harsh, heck almost all my comments sound harsh. I apologize for that, but I am a direct person. I hope you take this feedback as it is meant, as a way to improve.
I think you mean someone else.
10640671
Whoops, fixed that
My Little Reviews & Feedback I review this fiction.
This reads like a Chick tract. It's so absurd but so earnest that it leaves one unsure of whether it's serious evangelism or excellent satire of evangelical arguments and methods.