- Member Since 21st Dec, 2019
- offline last seen 58 minutes ago
underrated Drake
Just a regular guy who has very little knowledge on MLP but a lot of creativity.
underrated Drake
Joined 21st Dec, 2019 ·
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Looks like a good opening. I'll see where it goes
If you have any suggestions for future chapters feel free to comment to me personally.
10047370
It's ok but put off on turning Spike into a Gary Stu at the very start and rushing everything so fast.
No build up or anything.
Great first chapter. In my opinion though, it needs just a smidge more detail and a run through to smoothen the flow of the paragraphs into each other a bit.
Over all, its great so far and I will continue watch for update and see where this goes.
well this is going to be fun to read can't wait to read more.
10047555
diablo4000 thanks for reminding me of that, I had truly forgotten about it, but this story is not about Spike becoming an OP character, well not all of it at least, this story is set around a very big problem in today's society and unfortunately many people tend to ignore it.
But don't worry I will make sure to avoid making him that OP so quickly.
This is pretty good. Only one gripe. The spaces between lines is a little too much. 1 spaces is good enough. 2 for not being sure.
I am sorry if this comes off as complaining and rude. I didn't mean for it to sound like that.
10048059
Improperly spaced lines were one of the elements that had kept this story stuck in moderation- I'll mention it to the author, and see if we can cut it down while maintaining acceptable formatting. I think the google doc we were working on had some odd setting for paragraphs.
-Editor
10048059
Noted will work to avoid this from now on.
Thanks for the valuable insight.
10048233
Thank you.
10048290
No problem. This story is interesting and I will look forward to more.
I kind of want to read more chapter , because I like this concept. :O But I can suggest improvement. I think your story pace too fast. A lot of things suddenly happen and I yet to know what characters and Universe look like( except Spike I assume Spike looks like the one in thumbnail ) I Highly suggest you to give more detail to the scene. Ie describing character looks, present event, and more, you can take example from Spike Gambit or Dragonfire Enter The Dragon Hero
In to what?
Oooooo This was really good
10090072
The human equivalent of what they are in the show I guess.
10090271
You are kind of correct. At full power they will morph into their movie equivalent but at a general level their powers manifest more like the Infamous videogame series characters.
10090072
My mistake.
I have edited the story description to make it more understandable.
Thanks for making me aware of that massive detail.
10090442
Ah good to know.
For the first chapter it was great, the adoption was a little to much for the first chapter, maybe the third or fourth would have been better but regardless a great first chapter.
excuse you???? BAD TOUCH, stranger danger.
PD: by your descriptions of Spike I thought he would have had a hard time socializing and adapting to his environment. In the description he sounded kind of rogue, yet in the actual chapter he’s charismatic, a natural leader, adaptable and friendly. It’s kind of confusing. Actually you’ve made him quite perfect, to the point where your character have little to no flaws, I’m assuming your argument is that his flaw is his lack of trust and understanding of love, but I’m afraid he’s so perfect in every single other way that this flaw is minor compare with everything he has going for him.
10090949
Yeah, I'm fixing that small aspect.
Chapter 3 will probably come out Friday or Thursday and I hope it will shed some light on his various flaws, that are not exactly physical but... you'll see.
10090949
also like your charisma.
ama use that!!!!
10048350
I agree it was very confusing reading, the plot is great but the pacing is a little all over the place.
Sorry for unpublishing this chapter for a few minutes.
Had to fix some parts of it.
Beware Spike of the dangers that is called 'boob hugs'.
His academy life is catawampus.
Here comes the Sisters!!!
Dovahih0.redbubble.net/image.431853472.6847/flat,750x1000,075,f.u1.jpg
Oof. Dude, I suggest you stop writing this, and go watch Friendship is Magic all the way through. Never start writing for a franchise unless you have watched all their is for it, in this case.
99% of new stories fail miserably because the author didn't do their proper homework before starting on it. You don't need to be an expert on it, but it cuts down on the chance you look like you have no bucking idea of what you're doing, and just hope no one notices it.
Just some friendly advice, since this does seem to be going somewhere in the end.
Ok, please forgive me if it's too harsh but these are serious problem in many writing around Spike harem, I still feel like story is still too fast suddenly many characters are introduced , and the anime cliche just will it bad, the girls suddenly take a like in to Spike? There are already many of these type out there. A relationship dynamic need to happen otherwise it would be just doesn't make sense or outright boring (This is the also the problem in Spike Gambit) . Spike personality is still questionable, is he cool and calm or he just angry all the time? You need to establish the world and characters first.
Should have kept the last name Solaris for celestia
10145288
It's all part of a plan my friend you'll see soon enough
Dude, come on, Peewee will heal you. Get up, then we can get out of here.
10145898
I forgot about Peewee, I was actually going let Spike die, and resurrect him later on.
Thanks for reminding me
10145918
Oh. I thought the Phoenix was to be Peewee. I mean, your idea is cool, but I seriously thought you would have our little phoenix friend come heal Spike.
Will he ever meet his real parents and tell them off?
Spike really is the badassery king.
10147668
Wait and see
Is Luna interest in Spike as well?
so far my only problem is Spikes height, cause at 2.10M his motor system would cause problems with movement plus the amount of blood his heart will have to pomp to his joints would cause him to be tired so wouldn't be better for him to be like 1.80 - 90?
10147861
Oh yeah, it’s very noticeable. Along with most of the girls in this story.
10147876
I'm 6'8" (2.04 M) and so far I don't really feel tired, nor have problems with maneuverability, that's why I included the idea on the story
10147876
Also, I just realized you discovered a very important problem with Spike, which we will find out further on in the story.
"Let’s just hope she doesn’t do something reckless, that will make the others jealous."
HA, this is Rarity we're talking about. She is one of the biggest gossip mouths ever, she is going to make Spike's stress spike sharply.
I have one reference. Bluebloods name. Guess what its for. Actually, two other names are somewhat associated, but if I told you, you would figure out the reference. I will tell you all one hint.
"Hide in plain sight."
10090442
And what are Infamous characters like?