Rarity and the Cough of Booty

by Huk

Chapter 1

“Hey, sis! Look at that!” Sweetie Belle shouted, pointing at yet another sparkling dress. “Can I try it out?!”

Ordinarily, Rarity would have glanced at the steep price tag and said no, but this day was anything but ordinary.

“Of course... Take your... Time,” Rarity said.

With a grin, Sweetie Belle grabbed the gown and disappeared into the dressing room. It meant a minute of peace and quiet, a minute to look around at the busy mall, a minute to pray that her problem would not get any worse.

“Ugh, that’s the last time I ate burritos before shopping,” Rarity mumbled, clutching her stomach. But no matter how hard she pushed, she could feel her plumbing expanding like a balloon ready to explode.

“Rarity, honey, you’re not gonna buy yourself anything?” Cookie Crumbles said, cocking her head. “I would have thought you would want to do some Christmas shopping with your mother and sister.”

And she was right. Three ladies, no guys, and shopping mall all to themselves. The plan was perfect. Until the burritos she ate a few hours before, decided to start a Mexican revolution. Now, instead of thinking of a lovely new dress, Rarity was thinking about how not to turn the mall into a gas chamber of doom. Going to the toilet was not an option either, not during the Christmas season, where it was always full. No way a lady like her would break wind with people around.

“... what do you think?”

“Huh?” Rarity raised her dazed head to see her sister and mother calling to her.

“I said, what do you think?” Cookie Crumbles repeated, pointing at the Sweetie Belle’s dress. “A bit expensive, but we could split the cost fifty-fifty. And she looks kind of nice.”

Rarity’s eyes shot wide, and her lips curled. This wasn’t the dress Sweetie pointed at earlier. This was something else, a tight spandex dress, highlighting all of Sweetie’s assets, with a mini skirt and thigh-high black boots. A lovely dress indeed... for a prostitute.

“Mother! I think you—” She wanted to protest, to give them the piece of her mind, but her body decided to answer for her, with a series of loud gurgles and painful cramps. “— I think you should g-go get the c-car.”

“So, you do like it!” Sweetie Belle grinned and turned to their mother. “Can I have it, mom?! Can I? Pleaaase!”

“Well, if Rarity approves it, then I guess so. She’s the fashion expert, after all.”

“Thank you, sis!”

Rarity would have protested, but at the moment, her mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of her cozy toilet, with a comfy, heated, soft acrylic-polyester cover, and expensive velvet toilet paper, hanging from the wall. An embodiment of perfection and grace... that suddenly turned into a torture chamber from a snuff movie, squeezing her insides tighter and tighter... Only then she realized it wasn’t a dream, but something much, much worse.

“S-sweetie Belle...” Rarity whimpered, with tears in her azure eyes. She tried to push her sister away, and escape the tight embrace, but with her limited power, it was that or holding in the death breath. She chose the latter.

“Oh, look at that,” Cookie Crumbles said, smiling. “Rarity’s so moved by your dress that she’s crying.”

“Thank you, Rarity! You’re the best sister ever—” Then Sweetie Belle heard it. A gurgle coming from Rarity’s stomach was like a roar of a lion drowning inside a sewage pipe. “Uh-oh. Is that what I think it is?”

“... yes...”

“And you need to—”

“YES!”

Sweetie Belle let go of Rarity, and her face turned serious. “Mom, we need to go, NOW!”

“B-but, why?”

“Rarity needs to... vent,” Cookie cocked her head in confusion. “You know... Mexican jet propulsion?”

“Oh... Oh! Burritos?” Rarity confirmed with a sharp nod. “Just do it in the dressing room—”

“Mother!”

“What? Don’t be such a prude! That’s what I always do when this happens.”

Rarity didn’t know. Rarity didn’t WANT to know! Not that it was a surprise, either. When it came to manners, her mother was sadly closer to an uneducated redneck than a civilized person. Rarity, herself, would have never acted in such an un-ladylike manner, even if it killed her! ... which was a real possibility at that very moment.

“N-no, mother. We need to get back home,” another mixture of gurgle and splashing filled the air, this time loud enough for Cookie to hear. “P-please...”

“All right, honey! Come on, let’s pay up and will be home in ten—” Cookie’s eyes went to the kilometer-long lines to the registers, and her eyebrow arched. “—hours?”

“Great, just in time for me to pick my coffin.”

“Well, look at the bright side. If you kick the bucket here, at least you’ll take half of the store with you.”

“Mother...”

“All right, all right... Hmm, leave this to your old lady, honey. Follow me!”

Rarity just nodded gently. She was exhausted. She wanted to get out and go home. She didn’t think, nor did she care what her mother was up to. Until she saw where they were going.

“Oh, no! No, no, no!” Her mother was dragging her towards the priority checkout. “Mother, I’m not gonna pretend I’m pregnant... again!”

“Hush! It worked the last time. Besides,” Cookie smirked. “you almost have the belly for it now.”

Rarity glanced down and bit her lip. Her usually perfect tummy was indeed sticking out like an inflated balloon. But before she could whine about it, her mother waved at her to come to the front of the line. Still biting her lip and blushing, she pushed forward, even as the eyes of other customers screamed to crucify her.

She passed her shopping to the cashier, and black thought spread all over her mind. What would be next? Broken cash register? Credit card reader malfunction? Space aliens from outer space, picking up that very moment to attack the mall? She was prepared for anything. Except...

“Thank you, ma’am. Please visit us again!” Rarity’s curled lips and wide eyes were a dead giveaway that the cashier’s voice barely penetrated her tensed up mind. “Is there something wrong?”

“Um, no. Everything is great!” If you ignore, heartburn, cramps, nausea and the urge to drop the bomb, that is! “Goodbye, and thank you.”

“See? That wasn’t so bad now, was it?” Cookie said with a gloating smile.

“Ugh, that’s the last time, mother.”

“Of course, the next time that happens, I hope you won’t be pretending.”

“M-mother!” Rarity flushed and frowned at her grinning, winking mom. “All right, both of you go get the car, I’ll wait near the entrance.”

A second later, Sweetie Belle and Cookie Crumbles left the mall, and Rarity sat on the nearby bench. It was almost over, soon she would be home, and could take care of the... business like a lady. That was her plan. But then the gurgles returned, stronger than ever, with cramps that made her feel she was not only pregnant but giving birth. She clenched her stomach, but it was no use. The wild burritos wanted to get out, and she was about to answer their call, whether she liked it or not.

“Oh, no…”

The white SUV with tinted windows appeared in front of the mall then. Like a knight on the legendary white horse that came to rescue the lady from her peril. She jumped off the bench and ran towards it as if a mob of zombies was after her. She opened the door, jumped inside and closed her eyes. And then it happened.

The stinking bomb went off like a thunder from the under, and once it started, there was no turning back. The hot wind kept going and going, like an explosion from a human hydrogen bomb, filling the car to the very roof and fogging the windows. When Rarity finally emptied her tank, the air was filled not only with the methane but also dead silence.

Rarity opened her eyes, blushing sheepishly. “I-I’m sorry, guys, but I just couldn’t keep it all... in?”

Rarity blinked. Something was not right. The car was there, and she was there, but Sweetie Belle was not. In fact, her mother was not there either. Instead, an unfamiliar young guy was looking at her in silence from the driver’s seat, with an expression best described as ‘what just happened...?’

They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, until Rarity noticed another white SUV in the corner of her eye. A sheepish smile, jump out, run, and jump in later, Rarity was in the right car, screaming and pushing her mother’s leg down.

“GO, MOTHER, GO!”

They left, tires squealing, as the guy behind was still trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

***

Back home, Cookie Crumbles almost choked on her tea when Rarity told her what had happened. “My, my! That’s what I call, rebuilding the ozone layer! I bet you left the lasting impression!”

“I hope he won’t recognize me...”

“Cheer up, Rarity. That’s the busiest mall in the city. What are the chances that you run into him again? One in a million?

“I hope you’re right, mother. Still, the humiliation...”

Cookie glanced at her shaking daughter, and an idea struck her mind. “Tell you what, I’m gonna make you some of my valerian tea. It should calm your nerves.”

Rarity nodded, and a moment after her mother left the room, let out a deep sigh. The odds of running into that guy were next to nothing. And besides, he was so shocked, he would probably not remember her anyway. Thinking about it put a gentle smile back on her face.

“Rarity, can you open the door?” Cookie shouted from the kitchen, hearing the bell ring.

Rarity stood up and went to the entrance, and her mood improved as soon as the door opened. A handsome teenage boy, her age, stood behind them. His smooth, shaved oval face and perfectly combed hair went ideally with his brown eyes. His nose was trimmed, and just the right size. His elegant clothes were the icing on the cake. He was simply divine.

“Yes?” Rarity smiled, her eyes sparkling.

“Um, hi, the name’s Jason. I’m looking for, um... Rarity?”

“Well, you found her,” her flirty eyes glanced into his. “What can I do for you?”

Jason began searching for something in his shopping bag. By merely admiring his gracious moves, Rarity could tell he was perfect. He was her prince, and she wanted to be his fairytale princess. He even brought her, her purse! ... wait, what?

With a blush, he dangled her small white handbag in front of her eyes. She shook her head in confusion. “Um, you left that in my car, when you... You know.”

Just like that, the illusion shattered, leaving Rarity frozen and gaping. Her smile evaporated, twisting her face into a blushing mess of bewilderment and shock. The words escaped her too, leaving her mind as empty as her bowels after the ‘gas backblast,’ from an hour ago.

“Rarity, what’s going on... Oh, good day,” Cookie crumbles said. “Who are you, young man?”

“He is... He is... He is...” Rarity tried, but her mind was stuck in a loop of misery.

“Name’s Jason, ma’am. I came here to give Rarity her purse back,” Cookie cocked her head. “She, um left it in my car an hour ago...”

Something clicked inside Cookie’s brain, her eye widened, and smile filled her face. “Oh, my! One in a million, and yet here you are! Must be faith!”

“... or the ID in my purse...” Rarity whispered and grabbed her handbag.

“Bah, details, honey!” Cookie rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry about the little... accident. Too many burritos, and wrong car, obviously.”

Rarity wanted to scream ‘mother!’ but only a whimper escaped her burning face, and her eyes hit the ground. She prayed for a meteorite to come crashing down where she stood and end her misery.

“Oh, that explains it,” Jason said with a chuckle. “Well, I need to be going.”

“Before you go, can I interest you in some tea? And maybe some...” Cookie’s lips curled into a wicked smile. “air refresher?”

Rarity passed out.

Author's Note:

Based on a true story that happened to the wife of my co-worker years ago. Yep, you heard that right, this thing actually happened

Comments

[Super Trampoline]

“Cough of booty”
That’s certainly a euphemism.

[ThePinkedWonder]

I felt so bad for Rarity, yet it's not stopping me from laughing!

[Starlight Nova]

What Equestria Girls episode is the cover art from?

[The Dark Wolf]

I love Rarity fart stories, and I also like that Jason didn't hold it against her.

[zachary12]

nice work

[Huk]

Wow! I can see the story is bombing almost as hard as Rarity in the story itself. And here I thought that was a feature box material

Must be the influence of all those Evictus' stories I read

9958761

Of course, it is, along with some others included in the story itself

9958777
9959411

Phew! I'm just glad someone got a kick out of it

9958846

This one I think (near the end, last minute or two):

Of course, someone 'adjusted' it (take a look at the derpibooru link in the story description for details).

9958886

When that happened in real life, the guy who brought back the purse to my co-worker's wife also didn't hold it against her. From what I remember, after the initial awkward moment, they both shared a laugh.

Not that she wanted to repeat the experience

P.S.

I really love how someone is down-voting comments. What a 'brave' thing to do

[Super Trampoline]

9959805

Wow! I can see the story is bombing almost as hard as Rarity in the story itself. And here I thought that was a feature box material

Haha we’ve all had that happen

[Huk]

9959824

This will go into my 'it seemed like a good idea at the time' folder

Honestly, though, I realize the story is low-brow, but I'm still surprised by the number of down-votes. And, of course, no feedback on why...

That's just so... uncouth

[Super Trampoline]

9959940
I hate when people don’t tell you why they didn’t like a story. It really... stinks.

[Huk]

9960034

I see what you did there

[Saturn Lightning]

I can imagine being with Rarity, Cookie and Sweetie
Also if Saturn had a car it'd be the Kamata Angelus from Ridge Racer 6, or the Zihua Archangel from Ridge Racer Vita
igcd.net/images/044/936.jpg
Great story though, I would have made sure Rarity would get her relief with no interruptions ^^

[Dashie1995]

Wonder why it has so many down votes, it was quite funny.

[Saturn Lightning]

9960276
It's just how some ponies are about fetish stories

[The Dark Wolf]

9959805
That's good to hear, and that she was able to laugh it off. I really like it when they're able to do that (same with if they wet themselves), though of course I try not to fetishize such real life stories too much unless they want people to. I think it'd be all right to do so with Rarity in the scenario here, but it seems more played for comedy rather than fetish purposes and I don't want to ruin that. I imagine you added the part about Rarity fainting instead of laughing cause the former was more expected of her in that situation.

[Huk]

9960276
9960293
9960397

Wait, what? Fetish? This story was supposed to be a fun one-shot comedy, not some fetish driven thing. Sure, I used farting, but that's because it happened in real life...

Are you saying that this story seems like one of those dipper/scat/vore/something stories? ... well, that would explain why it got two down-votes the 2 minutes after publication (no way anyone can read 2000 words in two minutes).

If you felt it was one of those fetish stories, then can you tell me why? Was it the title, description, cover, promotion, or the story itself, that push you to that conclusion? I'm asking to avoid that in the future.

[The Dark Wolf]

9961744
Well, I have the fetish, but I understand it was played for comedy instead, which is one of the reasons why I'm not fetishizing it real hard. Other people with the fetish might see it as fetish fuel first and not even be able to comprehend finding it funny. Likewise, my fart stories are the opposite; they're written as fetish stories but some people just find them funny and nothing else. Yet others hate it cause they find it disgusting or offensive, hence the downvotes. It all comes down to how people feel about it whether they find it funny, fetishy, or disgusting. To each their own. But it's clear it's played for comedy first, and don't let those of us with the fetish ruin it for those who just find it funny.

Also for this reason I didn't even add it to the "My Little Fetish" group, because I know this isn't meant to be fetish-based. Only people with a fart fetish can see it as a fetish story.

People aren't downvoting it because they see it as a fetish story, they downvote it for the fart itself cause they dislike that kind of content, whether it was played for comedy or fetish fuel. Which is rude, if they know based on the description what a story will be about, the polite thing to do is just ignore it.

[Huk]

9961907

People aren't downvoting it because they see it as a fetish story, they downvote it for the fart itself cause they dislike that kind of content, whether it was played for comedy or fetish fuel.

You may be right. That would explain the initial down-votes minutes after publication...

I must say, I'm really surprised by all this. I would have never thought anyone could view this story like that.

Oh, well. Experience for the future

[The Dark Wolf]

9963470
Don't let that ruin it for you. There are three ways people look at it: Finding it funny, fetish fuel, and hating it. Each and every person here has their opinion. To those who find it funny (like Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie), it serves the intended purpose. Fart jokes played for comedy are intended for those who find it funny. Not everyone does, but they are there. There will always be those who dislike this kind of thing (like Rarity, Fluttershy, and Twilight) and will downvote stories based on that alone, when they should only be downvoting stories they actually read and disliked, and just ignoring stories they know have content they dislike. You've done nothing wrong.

Compare all the buttplay we get with the ponies in the actual show. Even the Equestria Girls (except Rainbow Dash and Applejack, I think).

Again, I've written fart stories for fetish purposes and a few users here found them funny instead. So they probably would for this one too since it had no fetishy intentions behind it. And a lot of people do find it funnier with Rarity than, say, Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie because it's less expected of her. Maybe that's why pony Rarity was shown farting in the comics, and Fluttershy some time after.

[Huk]

9963982

[...] Maybe that's why pony Rarity was shown farting in the comics, and Fluttershy some time after.

Wait, what ?! Which issues exactly?

[The Dark Wolf]

9964128
In Issue 7 (Part 3 of Nightmare Rarity), Rarity is possessed by Nightmare Moon and Pinkie tries to get her to return to her senses by reminding her of a time she farted in the tub at the spa from laughing too hard at one of her jokes (she words it "Poof! There were bubbles!"), and mentions Rarity was so embarrassed she made her swear never to tell. In Issue 8, when Twilight tells them to remember something they love about her, Pinkie immediately thinks of this same moment, and we actually see an image of it in her thought balloon, with Pinkie laughing beside Rarity, while Rarity's eyes are open wide as the bubbles appear around her.

Then in Issue 73, Fluttershy is under the spell of an amulet and imitates several animals. One of them is a skunk, and it's implied she farted in Rarity's face walking by her (though some think it might have just been the skunk and Fluttershy was just walking like one). Rarity's disgusted by the smell, but doesn't hold it against Fluttershy and forgets it quickly, brushing it off like it's no big deal based on the next time they appear together, and she doesn't even refer to that moment when she finds out Fluttershy was under a spell.

[Huk]

9964968

Thanks, will have to check those out

[Latecomer]

9959940
I suspect uncouthness is the problem, here. One of the main demographics for grossout humour is not allowed on FImfiction, after all. And Rarity fans perhaps tend a bit more towards heightened senses of disgust.

[Huk]

9979522

I picked Rarity for this exact reason - I imagined she wouldn't want to do it in public, because that would be 'uncouth.'

If that's the case for the down-votes then that's a beautiful irony

[Muggonny]

Booty coughing so great, it ruptures your spine.

[Flutterpriest]

i shidded and ferded

[Milk_Barcast]

i shidded and ferded

[Flammenwerfer]

10/10, I pizzed, n shid mine pant a lil. Possibly farded and cumm'd.

[anonpencil]

I shidded and farded.

Thank.

[Alex_]

I unironically enjoyed this... written perfectly competently, you have a good understanding of humour and command of language... don't know why this has so many downvotes.

I also came.

[Muggonny]

I shidded, I fardded, and I saw a hwite horse.

[Huk]

11087293
11087294
11087295
11087296
11087298
11087300

When you suddenly see multiple people leaving comments on one of your old stories that bombed badly:

pics.me.me/thumb_i-have-no-idea-whats-going-on-andat-this-point-49603043.png

But, don't get me wrong, I'm very pleased about it - practically farting in joy

[Muggonny]

11088695
This was inspiring. Thank you for writing. I shall now bequeath this queef upon thine family's wreath and hope to spread it like a mighty heath.