Chapter 1
“Twilight, TWILIGHT!” Spike shouted from the basement. “I cleared out a space in the lab for the box.”
“Coming Spike!” Twilight shouted back. “Just let me find it, I think I passed out, and I had the weirdest dream.”
Twilight looked at the table where the box had first landed.
“Twilight, you up there?” Spike shouted again.
“Yeah Spike! Like I said, I can’t find the box, I’ll be down in a second.” Twilight yelled towards the basement.
Twilight crouched down and looked on the floor near the table, around where she passed out earlier. Suddenly, Spike opened the basement door behind her.
“Twilight, Twili...” The second half of her name caught in his throat. Twilight could hear choking sounds coming from behind her, quickly followed by rapid footsteps. She turned in time around to see Spike running out the door, slamming it closed behind him.
“What has him all worked up, did Rarity write some hate mail to him?” Twilight thought aloud, chuckling at her own joke.
Twilight turned around to see what Spike had run out of the house for. She looked down out the ground near the basement door and saw... Herself.
“Bu...bu... but i’m right here,” Twilight stuttered, she raised a hoof to her face, on the surface it was normal, she was still her normal lavender color, but that was where the similarities stopped. She could see straight through her hoof, and a halo of pale mist hovered around it.
“This is probably just one of Pinkie’s pranks, she probably borrowed one of Rarity’s mannequins and painted it to look just like me.” Twilight attempted to rationalize the situation.
“And my hoof,” she tentatively glanced at the offending appendage. “She probably slipped something in my coffee. Although that wouldn’t explain why Spike was so panicked, maybe he’s in on it too.”
Twilight started laughing, her pulse still racing after the scare she had just received.
“Ok Pinkie, you got me, you can come out now.” There was no reply.
“Pinkie, did you hear me, I said you got me.” Once again, silence.
“Pinkie? Your kind of scaring me now,”
Twilight slowly approached the door, looking cautiously to both sides out of nervousness. She attempted to turn the knob with her magic, but there was naught but a flicker, nowhere near strong enough to turn the handle Twilight looked up quizzically at her horn, crossing her eyes as she did so. Still nothing, not a spark not a glow, nothing. The unicorn frowned, whatever Pinkie put in her drink must have weakened her magic as well, Twilight rationalized quickly. She reached out to turn the knob with a hoof. Her hoof went straight through the door. Twilight gasped sharply and ran back to the body, her hooves making no sound as they passed through the floor. She bent down to the face. Her eyes were wide open, as they were the moment she was overcame by the strange fluid. Her mouth as well was frozen in the shape of a scream. But by far the most disturbing thing, was the hole, driven straight through her head. From the forehead directly below her horn, out the back of her skull, slowly dripping her life-blood on the floor. Twilight staggered backwards and slammed into the table. Or would have if she hadn’t passed about half-way through it.
It was only at this moment that she heard the voice of a baby dragon outside.
“Twilight is dead!” It shouted, “Twi-Twilight is dead!” She could hear the sobs choking his voice, as well as the hoof-steps of bypassers who heard the shout and came to his side.
“I’m, dead?” Twilight whispered.
___________________________________________
“Whosdeadwhatnow?!” Applejack shouted, stopping almost mid-buck when Rainbow broke the news. Rainbow Dash had been among the ponies near the library at the time, and took it upon herself to tell the others. She nodded solemnly, the new tears running down her face mingling with the dried streaks leftover by the old ones. “Oh mah gosh, she was so young, and imagine how Spike feels.” Applejack could feel the tears starting to build in her eyes, and she did not hesitate to let them fall. Rainbow replied seconds later but it may as well have been hours.
“yeah, he was really upset, he burst out of the library crying and screaming, Twilight was like a mother to him.” Suddenly Applejack remembered something important, important enough to briefly snap her out of the atmosphere of grief. “Spike is going to need somewhere to stay now, at least temporarily.” Rainbow picked up a little as well, remembering she needed to tell her other friends as well. She flapped her wings and rose toward the sky. “You go tell Rarity and see if she can take Spike, I’ll go over to Pinkie and tell her, meet me near the path to Fluttershy’s, we should all tell her together.” The rainbow maned pegasus said before she sped back towards inner Ponyville.
__________________________________________
Rarity heard somepony knock on her front door, “Come in.” she said, barely loud enough to be heard through the door. Applejack opened the door slightly and stuck her head, now bereft of stetson, through the opening, before walking fully into the room. She was both surprised and not at all so at what she saw. There was little out of place around the room, except a small pile of handkerchiefs shoved off to the edge of a counter. One part of her expected this, knowing how neat Rarity was. But another expected a much larger affair, knowing how much of a drama-queen Rarity was. In the nd she shoved both of those to the back of her mind in favor of realizing that Rarity already knew, some thing that made her job a lot easier. “Hello, Applejack, I suppose you’re not here for a dress.” Rarity chuckled slightly at her own joke, but only for a moment before returning to a more stoic expression. “ You’d be correct in assuming that, but I guess you already know why I’m here.” The orange mare replied. Rarity didn’t need to answer, all was clear when she pulled out a clean tissue to wipe the tear that fell from her eye, before being discarded into the growing pile. Rarity turned quickly to face the staircase of her boutique. Rarity turned back and added, “If you’re wondering about Spike, I picked him up as soon as I heard the news. He’s upstairs in my room, the poor dear hasn’t stopped crying since it happened and I don't think he will until he doesn't have any tears left.” She and Applejack look solemnly at the ground for a moment. Applejack looked up first and informed Rarity of their plan to meet at Fluttershy’s. Rarity wrote a quick note to Sweetie Belle telling her that Spike was here, and that she and her friends were not to bother him, and then they departed.
________________________________________
“No Pinkie Pie! We are NOT making cupcakes!” Rainbow Dash shouted, “I’m not covering for you a third time!”
_________________________________________
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I do hope you post chapters in a faster pace.
One month for 1,1k words is aloooong time
Eh? Seems like there should be more here.
I was excited when I saw this had updated. I'm no longer excited.
This is riddled with errors in spelling and grammar. Some of the paragraphs are way too big. Most of the dialogue feels unnatural. This whole chapter feels like a first draft. I can only assume that you wrote this entire chapter in one sitting and published it. Seriously.
It makes me sad when a story with so much potential goes downhill like this, but you can save this.
Cupcakes reference at the end. random, but whatever. Hope you can continue writing.
so little MOAR PLZ
This feels... lacking.
Putting aside that a month's wait should result in more than the 1.1k words you gave us, it doesn't seem to go anywhere.
As kingtiger666 said, spelling and grammar errors. Big walls of text and pairs of sentences you have mistakenly labeled 'paragraphs'.
seem kind of cut off at the end, right where it was starting to get interesting I stumbled in the comment section...
I like it! Although I have no idea what happened to Twi, almost like she got shot in the head...
1274998
What''s wrong with that. It's what i DO. But i do take care in my work and i do ahve an editor.....
Yah there goes my piont. Any how this does seemed rushed and could be a lot better.
I listened to Mad World by Gary Jules as well as 21 Guns by Green Day while reading this.
The first chapter was wonderful.. But this.. It's like none of the ponies cared about Twilight dying at all. They all just blew it over. :/ And the Cupcakes reference wasn't really needed....
I want to see where you are going to take this.
1087360
I'm glad to see an update, but everyone just seems a little OOC. Why didn't her friends come over and panic about her dead body, instead of just taking Spike's word for it? They all seemed to be going "oh well, that's a shame..." Where's the running, screaming, crying, and trying to figure out WTF happened and whose flank they needed to kick, all whilst sending panicked letters to Princess Celestia?
There are (at least) 5 stages of Grief:
The first stage is DENIAL (this is the inability to accept the person's death, as well as numbness and withdrawal from reality. This is where Twilight is; where she, and everypony else, should be at this point). Then comes ANGER (be it self-inflicted, or lashing out at others). This is followed by BARGAINING (that "what if" form of self-doubt; what if I had come sooner, what if I had done more, etc.). After that is DEPRESSION (this is the long stage where most of the crying happens. Spike seems to have "jumped" to this stage). Then, and only then, do you get to ACCEPTANCE (understanding what has happened, and planning for the future; trying to pick up the pieces, and go on living your life like the person you lost would have wanted you to. This is where most of your characters seem to be for some reason).
Slow down your pacing, be more descriptive, and get yourself a proofreader. You have a brilliant idea here, I know you can do this right. I'm still faithful to this story. This chapter has the potential to be very deep and heart-wrenching.
Well.....this was disappointing. The sheer lack of care by her friends were staggering. Feels like this was a first draft chapter that was done half arsed, not to mention waaaaaaay too short for the cliff hanger from the prologue. Have to agree with the other comments done here. Still going to watch this story for improvements and chapter updates
interesting concept.
Strange ending though
I'm surprised that this has 600 likes for just a 1k first chapter... No offense intended.
Anyways this seems chapter...disjointed. Way too fast paced, the reactions are all over the place. They accepted it too fast, the "she was so young part" felt weird, and I think the first thing Spike would do is write to Celestia.
I'm in agreement with Samuraijack5 in that the rest of the Mane Six aren't acting nearly as devastated or shellshocked upon hearing of Twilight's DEMISE for the FIRST TIME. They sound like they're talking about a neighbor than a best friend. It also seems strange that no one has asked "how?" Spike's actions don't seem natural either, at least for a child. He would go running for help, since he wouldn't be able to accept her death so quickly. If he really did comprehend Twilight's death in a single moment, he'd probably collapse or co into a catatonic state, not go around telling anyone he could like a town cryer.
The first part of the chapter(from the beginning till the 'I'm dead?' revelation) was fine imo. But after that it sorta, fell apart. It was fast, jumbled and there were massive text blocks and it felt kinda OOC like everyone has pointed out. Plus grammar errors abound(no capitalization in places for one thing).
1275187 - No, it's totally an oddity nothing in this story so far deserves that many likes. The first chapter didn't really step out from the pack, and this chapter kind of cements the fluke.
This chapter is just... wierd. Ok, she's a ghost... no clue how, but fine. Ok, she has a hole bored through her skull... again, no clue how but whatever. Then Spike and the rest of the crew just totally drop the ball, honestly... it's a damned 'off' chapter and at first I didn't think it was even to the same story.
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2011/3/5/8e9de219-26b2-404f-950e-4a44743709a6.jpg
This is kinda how I feel right now...
Based on what you guys are saying, I'm probably going to re-write this chapter. Also I have no editor so if someone wants the job pm me. I do plan to write chapters faster than this, but I have been busy lately. For now this will stay up but will be deleted when the new version is written.
I like the concept, but the drama feels really hollow.
It felt rushed, and unemotional after her death.
There should be more transitions, for example:
1: Spike finishes cleaning out a space
2: Spike tries to call to Twilight, but with no reply,
3: He figures she's just being absorbed with a book, so goes upstairs to look for her,
4: Finds the body
5: Either A: Starts screaming and yelling it as he makes out the door for the nearest of Twi's friends
Or B: Sees it, starts to cry and mourn, then proceeds to go out somberly to tell the others the news
This is just my concept, however, the main point is like in the sentence where he finds Applejack. Where the hell did she come from? Was she in town? Did he go to her stall? Did she overhear his screaming? Ect, ect.
Everything needs more explanation and revising. Make sure to include the other townspeople too, they love Twi being there, and in such a small one as it is, news travels quickly.
1275336
Good luck then.
1275336
there are several groups (one and two for example) for ppl in need of editors and pre-readers
Why is it that so many people don't understand how paragraphs work? Stop with the walls of text. It took you a month to write this? Really? This is horrible.
The story still is interesting, and I know that you've already said that you plan to rewrite this chapter, but at the risk of beating a dead horse, Twilight's friends, hay, maybe even some of the regular townsponies, would probably rush to the library to check on Twilight to confirm or disprove Spike's claims, and if dis-proven, offer Twi any aid she needed. Personally, I was surprised when I was reading this was that Spike's first reaction upon realizing that Twilight was on the ground, in a pool of blood was to run away from her, instead of rushing to the side of his injured mother figure. I know for a fact that a child (at least a child from the age of 10-12) would rush to his mother's side if he saw her lying on the ground and bleeding. Sorry for pointing out again something that you now already know.
Well... to be honest I am just disappointed.
It feels like they are in denial (except for Spike who was destroyed by Twilights loss).
Are they planning on doing something with the Elements? or informing Celestia of what happened?
1275105no i think twi's frends are in the first stage-denile thay havent fully compryhended whats happened yet but thay will
1276170
Nnope.
They didn't even check on her, and they're already talking about what to do with Spike.
The concept is very interesting, but like others have said, the implementation seems...lacking. Twilight's friends don't seem nearly as shocked and upset as they should be, and NOPONY even went in to see what had happened? Really? They just lost one of their best friends and they aren't even questioning it?
The "Cupcakes" reference at the end seemed out of place and rather forced.
I'm hoping that you'll continue this story (chapter rewrite would be good as well) as you have a great premise to work with here. You just need to work on getting their characters right. Twilight seems to be the best-written of the bunch. Also, stop with the walls of text and use proper paragraphs. You would be wise to find a good editor to assist you. I'm looking forward to reading more.
Wow...I am so disappointed...
It started off so well, to.
WELL FINALLY!
Okay, I didn't read it yet, but I printed it up and put it on my nightstand, and I really have to say this: It's too short for a single chapter. When I print it out, it's a bit complecated, but basically I print out four pages on one sheet, double sided, and your story didn't even cover half the sheet. You made me waste paper!!!
a bit of a small chapter for a month wait... no? anyway.. keep up the good work!
Yes, make them faster. It's getting more interesting.
Work on grammar and need more chapters.
1274989 I was looking in the comments section, la-di-da-di, when, all of the fucking sudden, I look to see your avatar.
Plot.
Twilight Sparkle plot.
On a story about Twilight Sparkle dying.
Anyway, good story. Hope to see more of it, but in the future you should write more into a chapter. Everybody else is right, one month for a thousand word chapter is outrageous.
1275336Yeah that's what I would do, I loved the prologue, this....not so much. My advice? Scrap this chapter and start anew, add more dialogue and more emotions.
Bit of a text wall problem, and the ending was just weird. Also, I don't know what it is, but their reactions don't seem natural. Take Spike for instance. Sure, he might be crying his eyes out, that makes sense. But disbelief and/or shock should come before that. And the others, if anything, seem to be taking it a bit too well.
First, take out the cupcakes part
Second, proofread, for Luna's sake!
Third, if you're going to post things like this (that are so short) at least post them often.
I hate to ridicule you for such a great story idea, but I can't help but feel you should have had this story FINISHED by the time you posted chapter one. Seriously, I can only hope you had a legitimate reason for posting such a first-draftish piece, after so long. If you take a month to write this little, then each sentence has to be of such quality, that God himself would now down and praise it. That didn't happen. Sorry if I seem harsh, but you've made quite a few people upset about this.
Part of being a writer is recognizing that, even if it's fun to do, you still have a responsibility to your readers. If you're going to be late, you have to tell them why. If you're going to be late, you have to make it high quality. If you're going to be late, you need to make it of substance, or plot-neccessity. You did not meet a single of those catagories.
You just derped up big time.
I was drawn in a little by the grim premise, but it took THIS long to update with a chapter I could have written up in MAYBE an hour?
And that's not even concerning content.
I just don't feel like you understand how people react well enough to capture the level of grief we're talking about. Spike for instance. I don't think he'd feel any desire to leave her and shout "TWILIGHT'S DEAD!" through the streets like a town crier. I think he'd weep over her body until someone dragged him away. At the VERY least, I can't imagine the words "Twilight is dead" are going to come easy for him, because it means accepting it has happened, and the first stage of grief is denial. He wouldn't want to BELIEVE it, he'd be in Twilight's position, trying desperately to wake her up, and then wake HIMSELF up.
And then the Mane Six... they're her BEST FRIENDS! Inseparable! Applejack's reaction is so cold it's disturbing. She behaves like she just heard the Mayor got cancer, not that one of her best friends had suddenly died!
Take it from me, I lost MY best friend in a truck accident this past summer. I'm not the type of guy to cry when someone dies, but I reacted. I reacted by going numb, becoming outwardly emotionless and refusing to speak to anyone, shambling off to be by myself like a depressed zombie. Any idiot could tell I'd just been shaken to my core, even if I wasn't crying or even saying anything about it.
NONE of your characters have anything even RESEMBLING a sense of grief. Aside from Spike, Rarity is the most believable for the grief, but she's still acting too casually. Clue us into the fact that she's hurting, dropping the drama-queen facade out of shock and neglecting herself as she ponders.
The grief was the selling point for this ENTIRE fic, and you blew it. There is no longer an impetus for this story.
That last line killed all of my feels, if you do rewrite the chapter, I would suggest doing something else with that line, or removing it entirely.
Where should I start. Chapter was too short, transitions to next scenes were rough, and there were other things as well. But, I've seen worse and there still hope of turning this around.
1275336You never told me that I should edit it, asshole. I would've told you everything that's in all of these comments.
You forgot to capitalize, and this should be split into two or three sentences, or at least use semicolons
The punctuation should be switched
This doesn't sound like something Applejack would say, try "You'd be right about that"
That should be a semicolon
The comma should be a period.
All in all, good chapter, but the overall quality takes a significant drop after the first scene break, most notably in paragraph spacing. You may want to get a proofreader (or a better one, if you already have)
R-Rainbow Dash and P-P-Pinkie..........and C-C-Cupcakes........0_0
This chapter had some major problems... it felt WAY to rushed pretty much the entire way through, must of the reactions/feelings towards twilight's death seemed halfhearted and hardly gave an impression that they cared at all... it also jumped a little to abruptly around from location to location for my taste and some of those big boxes of text could have been done more smoothly.
I liked the first chapter as it had more quality but this? not so much... it could use some (if not a lot) of help, i'm not saying this to insult you i just rather want to read a good story than one that isn't good.
1275336
I could edit it if you want. I'm pretty good at it, at least, that's what the editor at the last publication I worked at said.
1275274 you feel... penetrated?