Just Leave Well Enough Alone

by Pascoite

Just Leave Well Enough Alone

Twilight Sparkle’s heart leapt as she flipped to the next page on her clipboard. Soon she’d have this checklist complete, and then she could mark it off her checklist checklist and move on to the next checklist!

Only the outlying properties still to verify—Celestia had sent her on a mission… No, maybe she’d come up with the idea herself. Either way, she’d gone out to catalog all the water sources in town. If disaster struck and they needed to allocate who had access to what, if they needed to track the spread of contaminants or disease, or whatever! It had a million uses, as she’d explained at the last town hall meeting.

Some ponies just didn’t appreciate the benefits of exhaustive data. They tended to fall asleep during the introductory speech.

Anyway, the most efficient route now had her walking by Sweet Apple Acres, and her map indicated that the well stood on the east end of the property, so there was no need to walk all the way over to the main gate. She could simply duck through the fence here, and—Ow!

She waggled her hoof before sucking at it a moment. Why would they put an electrified fence out this way? They didn’t need it to keep the cows in. Especially since they could just ask the cows to stay in. Why have a fence at all?

A good wing flap soon had her on the other side, and then she trotted over the next couple of hills to reach the well. She peered inside and lit her horn. Yes, visible water level down there, the winch seemed to be in working order, everything looked clean. She pulled her set of rubber stamps out of her saddlebag and flipped through them—four, one, aha! Two: the code for a privately owned water source. She stamped the form, then tucked everything but her clipboard away and made her way to the house.

She paused a moment on the front porch to glance around. No sounds of work going on in the fields right now, so Applejack was probably in the house. Twilight knocked on the door.

Soon enough, Applejack opened it. “Well, hello, Twi! What brings you out this way?”

Twilight floated the form over. “Here you go. Just doing the survey I talked about at the town meeting.”

Applejack squinted one eye. “Survey? I don’t usually participate in those. Gov’ment don’t need to know all about me.”

“No, I mean the water survey.”

“The what now?”

“Cataloging the water sources around town. For resource management, emergencies…” Twilight circled a hoof in the air.

And Applejack nodded. “Oh yeah! I guess I remember seein’ that on the agenda.”

“You were there,” Twilight grumbled.

“Huh. The topic sounds a little familiar. Some speech, and then I was on a tropical isle.” She hugged a hoof across her chest and closed her eyes. “Mmmm.”

Yes, she did recall hearing some snoring about the time she got to her wrap-up comments. A quick snort from Twilight brought her back to Ponyville. “Anyway. Here’s your form saying I’ve verified your well. Nothing too important, just stick it where you keep your other paperwork.”

“Wait.” Applejack frowned. “You already went out to the well?”

“Um… yeah. Why?” The form floated back onto Twilight’s clipboard.

Craning her neck, Applejack gave Twilight a once-over, then peered back the way she’d come. “I’m just surprised the critters let you be.”

Now Twilight frowned. “What critters?”

Applejack took her hat off and fanned herself with it. “Don’t rightly know exactly what they are. Kinda like the pukwudgies. Nasty little varmints.”

Odd. Not only hadn’t she seen any critters, she hadn’t seen any evidence of critters. Plus nopony had ever mentioned them before. “What do they do that’s so bad?”

“Teeth, claws… you name it. They’ll come at you,” Applejack said with bared teeth.

“Why haven’t you—?”

“—Got Fluttershy to help?” Applejack chuckled. “All she’s gonna do is tell us to find a way to get along. And we’ve already done that. We haven’t really spread the word, since nopony else comes out here lookin’ for water.” Then she leaned in and gave Twilight a quick hug. “I’m glad they didn’t hurt you none, though. It didn’t occur to me anypony else might go to the well. I should put up a sign.”

“So… they don’t bother you?” Twilight asked.

“Not if you know how to deal with ’em.”

“Which is…?”

Applejack bumped a hoof against the house’s siding. “Wood.”

Huh? But there were trees all over the area. “Really? But your well is near the orchards, the forests…”

“Depends on the kind.” Applejack motioned toward the closest apple tree. “If I take a branch out there, it’s just natural. It wouldn’t deter ’em at all.” Then she gave a light stomp on the wooden decking. “Take a cut board with you, and maybe a few of the young or weak ones would leave you alone.”

Hmm. Twilight pulled the numbered stamps out of her saddlebag again. Ornately carved wooden handles, and she kept the ink pad in a small puzzle box she’d gotten as a filly. “Would these do it?”

Applejack nodded. “Reckon they would.”

Ha! Once again, organization and office supplies saved the day! “If I’m getting the gist of it, then the more intricate, the better. If I took, say, a cuckoo clock out to the well?”

Applejack nodded even harder. “Yup. They wouldn’t want anything to do with you. Y’know, I could put a bunch o’ the old busted farm equipment out there. It’d send ’em runnin’ away, but, y’know. Fluttershy and all.”

Yes, Fluttershy. She’d been a source of compromise for a long time.

Twilight listened to the birds chirp for a minute, then flashed Applejack a grin. “Well, here’s your form,” Twilight said, levitating the sheet back over.

“Thanks,” Applejack replied. “And I’ll think about what kind o’ sign I can put up.”

Twilight shrugged. “Just let them know that the code-two well is braved with wood inventions.”

Author's Note:

I normally don't like explaining a joke, but feghoots are a special case, because they're often based on idioms, which can be regional or unintelligible to speakers of other languages.

This one's a play on "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."

Comments

[-TheStoryteller-]

Good story, but far too short. I was expecting something else to happen.

Anyway, thanks for explaining what a "feghoot" is. I'm still not painting an exact mental picture, but you've given me enough to go on.

[Pascoite]

9738884
The group linked in the description has a good definition, but in short it's a kind of story which leads to a joke ending, usually a pun version of a familiar expression, but can be other things like a tongue twister or a meme reference. The story can appear to be serious until it gets to that point.

[Georg]

"Are you sure you don't want me to put some magical protections around your well, Applejack? It would only take a minute."

"Naa," scoffed the farmer. "Although, if yer goin' back that way, you could take.... Oh, this old rocking chair here and put it next to the well. That'll be enough wood to keep them varmints at bay, easy."

"That makes sense," said Twilight, marking a note on her form and lifting the chair in her magic. "A picked chair is worth a thousand wards, after all."

(Look, the story was just sitting there, and I had this pencil...)

[pterrorgrine]

Wow -- elaborate, surprising, totally justified without feeling forced.

[Cerulean Blue]

Great feghoot - it just slipped right there at the end

[Isseus]

Too bad the feghoot competition already ended.

[Super Trampoline]

9739423
It ends in just under 20 hours.

[Isseus]

9739425 From the rules

Submissions folder closes Sunday, July 14th at 11:59:59pm Pacific Time (July 15th, 2:59:59am Eastern Time.

It's now the 19th, so it's been over for several days now.

[Super Trampoline]

9739426
Shoot, it looks like I didn’t update the rules, but I’ve made multiple announcements that it was extended to the end of Friday. I’ll update the rules in the morning.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Textbook feghoot, and I mean that in a good way. Thank you for it, and best of luck on the judging.

[Isseus]

9739475
Roger dodger!

[GaPJaxie]

Aaaagh!

I'll get you for this one day.

[PresentPerfect]

I was waiting for an "all's well that ends well" joke, so I'm very pleased you went with something better. For a metric of 'better', anyway. XD

Once again, organization and office supplies saved the day!

And I love this for reasons.

[Pascoite]

9754957
See, the kind of pun you were dreading does okay as a title or a passing joke in the story, but for a punchline? That's just the laziest. I have little respect for feghoots that end on such low-hanging fruit, that just rely on a single homonym/homophone, or that only change one word in a long phrase. I prefer ones that go for a lengthy, complex pun that still fits the original's rhythm, since it's obviously tougher to pull those off.

[PresentPerfect]

9755031
We should all be thankful Bronycon is right around the corner, because I'm in "just finished contest, must write story" mode and the pun I have in mind is just awful and probably no one would get it

[MixMassBasher]

Nice pun at the end. Very intricate. Though I wonder what critters were they that would be fended off by wood?

[RandomGuy101]

Applejack bumped a hoof against the house’s siding. “Wood.”

I woodn't do that if I were you...

[RandomGuy101]

Twilight shrugged. “Just let them know that the code-two well is braved with wood inventions.”

...

Oh!