My name is Thom, I'm from the Netherlands, and I love writing stories. That about sums it up, I think. https://azhelchasm.com
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Slowly, the magic faded out for the last time. Sunset sat slumped on her knees, staring through blurry eyes as the glow dissipated in the darkness. It was over. The portal was gone. Equestria and the human world were safe…and forever separated from one another.
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What's she talking about? Twilight's in the human world, they even go to the same school-oh, wait, she means Princess Twilight, right? Sorry, I get them confused petty often.
Clearly, she forgot to put a loaf of bread on her mouth. Part of every essential anime breakfast. XD
Anyway, so far, so good.
To the next chapter!
Considering how nearly every other counterpart in the human world seems just like their equestrian counterpart, I'm surprised Sunset didn't point out how Sci-Twi seemed to be an exception.
Good to know Princess Celestia is still as (ir)responsible as ever. XD
"If only I hadn't given Starlight those vacation days in the human world, she and Trixie would've surely become an item!"
Again, looks good so far.
To the next chapter, and beyond!
So they couldn't connect the dots when Sunset tried to smash the mirror in the first Equestria Girls movie? That actually sounds plausible.
"Spike, have you been slacking off again?! I'm too sad over losing my pony-human girlfriend to fix these books myself!"
Is that a reference to a comic storyline? If not, and it's just a mention, somebody please turn it into an actual story!
Next chapter, ahoy!
"I knew it! You're cheating on me with the portal itself!"
Insert "Starlight Glimmer is a cheap copy of Sunset Shimmer" joke here.
Also insert "exasperated sigh as a response to such an overused joke" joke here.
And now, to the final chapter!
No jokes this time, simply because I think a last chapter needs a serious review.
Okay, so, you say this isn't part of your usual style. I haven't seen your other stories, so I can't judge this for myself, but I'd say it was a good first venture out of your comfort zone.
Telling the story without a single piece of actual dialogue is a decent idea, and can help you with description and flow.
However, the problem arises from the fact that this needs you to tell more than show. You mention a lot of events happening, when it could've helped to show these scenes instead. You don't even have to add dialogue, just add a silent scene taking place in the event mentioned.
But even then, that wouldn't stop this story from feeling... what's the word, incomplete? It feels like it skips a lot of story: the portal's malfunctioning, Sunset and Twilight becoming girlfriends, the consequences of Twilight and Sunset not seeing each other frequently.
Maybe you did explain it and I didn't see it, but still, it would've been nice if a bit more time had been spent on building up to the fateful destruction of the mirror.
Now, with all this in mind, remember that I'm just a newbie fanfiction writer whose opinion isn't automatically better than everybody else. If you think I'm right, fine, if you think I'm wrong, let me know in what I'm wrong, maybe in that way we can help both of us together.
But still, I'll congratulate you on getting the basic premise done: show how Sunset and Twilight felt at the destruction of the portal. Sure, a lot of buildup and exposition would've helped, but considering how most non-oneshot stories rarely, if ever, reach the point their premise is based on, that's something to congratulate in my opinion.
But enough blabbering! I say this was a nice little story. If you ever do another silent story like this, I'd be happy to give it a look.
Keep up the good work. :)
I enjoyed it very much.
Now rescue Sunset.
I'd really like to see more of this
9675265
In regards to Sombra; yes it was a comic storyline. I haven't read it myself; but you may be able to find it online
9675294
Thank you for the elaborate review!
When I began writing this story, I wanted it to be about Sunset and Twilight's states of mind more than the actual events. At the same time, I didn't want to leave people completely in the dark about what actually happened either, so I compromised by intentionally keeping things vague. I did that in part because I generally feel the need to explain every little thing and I want to be able to set that aside in favor of 'more important' things, so to speak.
The approach I had was basically to write the immediate aftermath, then mention that they were girlfriends rather than just good friends, then how things began to wrong, culminating in the mirror's destruction, and finally their next step. During all of that, I wanted it to come across a bit disjointed and vague, as if it was just the two of them remembering events in a not necessarily completely chronological order. I'm glad you mentioned that it feels incomplete, in a way, because that was what I was going for to a degree (though maybe it succeeded a bit too well).
I fully agree with you on the 'telling rather than showing' thing in the story. Usually, I would try to avoid breaking that guideline, but in this case, as I mentioned before, it was sort of part of my premise to have this thing feel like the characters are just remembering the events, in the (for a story) uncharacteristic way of not having perfect clarity, even more so because from their perspective, the portal was just sealed off and neither is exactly in her right mind at the time. That's also my justification for why Twilight would order the weather ponies to create storm, something I'm fairly certain she would never normally do.
Again, thank you very much for taking the time to review this. I greatly appreciate it!
9675704
No problem. Thank you for writing the story. :)
Muh
This was beautiful, especially since Sunset was able to get one last message before the portal was closed. "I love you." Thank you for not going with the trope of being about to say it, but it being cut off *cough*quiteright,too.andifit'smylastchancetosayit,RoseTyler...*cough*
Note, I pointed that out to contrast similarities and differences, both being a universe away, both a sacrifice, but both different as well.
My question is, what about the other portal from Spring Breakdown?
9680547
I did watch Spring Breakdown, and I honestly don't have an answer to that. Truth be told, that portal really messes with the whole 'mirror' theme I was going for here, so I'm basically disregarding its existence in this fic.
This is beautifully heartbreaking. I kinda love that there's no dialogue, i think it's really effective in this story like I could really feel how they want to be alone and it gives me that slowly creeping pain building in my heart as I read.
Great job! :)
Yeah. Nope. This falls flat with Equestria Girls canon showing the Mirror is fine and shows no sign of ever breaking or shutting down.
Works for an Alternate Universe though. Just not trying to insert it into the main timeline.
9836437
Canon also says that Twilight has a crush on Flash Sentry (and even if she didn't I don't think Hasbro would make this ship canon because EQG and FiM remain forcibly separated), so in the canon EQG universe this fic would never happen anyway. All of my fanfics are branched timelines in order to even exist the way they do just to support the shipping.
9837269
True. I still can't see the reasoning for doing this. And for once I didn't even care about the Sunlight shipping.
9837829
Wait, I'm kind of confused here. The reason for doing what? Writing a tragic style fanfic in which the portal is closed? Well...partially because occasionally it's fun to write a sad story, partially because I had the inspiration to write a fic without any dialog in it, and beyond that...the same reason I have for writing any fanfic at all: just because I like to write.
Or do you mean the reason I'm ignoring canon? That one's easy; it's because nothing I write is canon anyway, so I'll happily ignore it if it means I can tell the story I want to tell. For instance, in one of my other fics I'm ignoring everything that happened in Season 5 and later, because I started writing it after Season 4 concluded. Rewriting it to fit the new canon would be way too much of a hassle, so I simply declare everything after S4 non-canon with regards to my fic. In this case, I'm ignoring Spring Breakdown because, as you said, the story just doesn't work otherwise.
This sure ended sad
9836437
Pretty sure it is an AU.
"We Are Reviews, SP" is proud to unveil our newest product, a review for your story! It has been posted on Nailah's Reviewer Mansion: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/215274/nailahs-reviewer-mansion/thread/454309/review-for-broken-mirror-by-katonryu
10542214
Thank you very much for the kind and elaborate review! I really appreciate the time and effort you put into separating each facet of the story into its own category and judging them by their own merits, and I very much agree with your observations regarding the characters and pacing. And, of course, I'm happy you liked the story!
it cant end like this :<
Oh I want to see a sequel now with the MLP-EG Spring breakdown as a premise where she finds a different portal back to Equestria actually please make it🙏😂