• Member Since 9th Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen Last Friday

KatonRyu


My name is Thom, I'm from the Netherlands, and I love writing stories. That about sums it up, I think.

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Slowly, the magic faded out for the last time. Sunset sat slumped on her knees, staring through blurry eyes as the glow dissipated in the darkness. It was over. The portal was gone. Equestria and the human world were safe…and forever separated from one another.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 12 )

It had all been for the best. Everyone was safe. The universe wouldn’t end. And…and she’d never see Twilight again. Never be able to write her again.

What's she talking about? Twilight's in the human world, they even go to the same school-oh, wait, she means Princess Twilight, right? Sorry, I get them confused petty often.

It took her about ten minutes to calm down, and then ten more to finish her breakfast, by which time she was running late for school. She’d just thrown on her backpack when she suddenly just stopped.

Clearly, she forgot to put a loaf of bread on her mouth. Part of every essential anime breakfast. XD

Anyway, so far, so good.

To the next chapter!

The human Twilight was her own person, unconnected to the Equestrian Twilight. She couldn’t use her closest human friend as a replacement for her girlfriend in any way, not even something like this.

Considering how nearly every other counterpart in the human world seems just like their equestrian counterpart, I'm surprised Sunset didn't point out how Sci-Twi seemed to be an exception.

Afterwards, she’d landed next to Twilight on the balcony, but after seeing the look in Twilight’s eyes she’d just nodded slowly and gone back to Canterlot. Twilight was grateful her mentor had decided to leave the lecture for a later date.

Good to know Princess Celestia is still as (ir)responsible as ever. XD

Making bets when Starlight and Trixie would finally hook up. It was gone, all of it. She should have known.

"If only I hadn't given Starlight those vacation days in the human world, she and Trixie would've surely become an item!"

Again, looks good so far.

To the next chapter, and beyond!

They knew about her and Twilight, of course, but they didn’t know about the portal.

So they couldn't connect the dots when Sunset tried to smash the mirror in the first Equestria Girls movie? That actually sounds plausible.

The books in Twilight’s library were still in disarray.

"Spike, have you been slacking off again?! I'm too sad over losing my pony-human girlfriend to fix these books myself!"

After all, Princess Celestia had been in a similar situation with Mirror Sombra.

Is that a reference to a comic storyline? If not, and it's just a mention, somebody please turn it into an actual story!

Next chapter, ahoy!

When Sunset emerged from the portal, shaken and disoriented, Twilight’s fears had been confirmed.

"I knew it! You're cheating on me with the portal itself!"

Sure, Starlight was just as gifted in magic as Sunset was, but as much as Twilight enjoyed her company, it still wasn’t the same as with Sunset.

Insert "Starlight Glimmer is a cheap copy of Sunset Shimmer" joke here.

Also insert "exasperated sigh as a response to such an overused joke" joke here.

And now, to the final chapter!

No jokes this time, simply because I think a last chapter needs a serious review.

Okay, so, you say this isn't part of your usual style. I haven't seen your other stories, so I can't judge this for myself, but I'd say it was a good first venture out of your comfort zone.

Telling the story without a single piece of actual dialogue is a decent idea, and can help you with description and flow.

However, the problem arises from the fact that this needs you to tell more than show. You mention a lot of events happening, when it could've helped to show these scenes instead. You don't even have to add dialogue, just add a silent scene taking place in the event mentioned.

But even then, that wouldn't stop this story from feeling... what's the word, incomplete? It feels like it skips a lot of story: the portal's malfunctioning, Sunset and Twilight becoming girlfriends, the consequences of Twilight and Sunset not seeing each other frequently.

Maybe you did explain it and I didn't see it, but still, it would've been nice if a bit more time had been spent on building up to the fateful destruction of the mirror.

Now, with all this in mind, remember that I'm just a newbie fanfiction writer whose opinion isn't automatically better than everybody else. If you think I'm right, fine, if you think I'm wrong, let me know in what I'm wrong, maybe in that way we can help both of us together.

But still, I'll congratulate you on getting the basic premise done: show how Sunset and Twilight felt at the destruction of the portal. Sure, a lot of buildup and exposition would've helped, but considering how most non-oneshot stories rarely, if ever, reach the point their premise is based on, that's something to congratulate in my opinion.

But enough blabbering! I say this was a nice little story. If you ever do another silent story like this, I'd be happy to give it a look.

Keep up the good work. :)

I enjoyed it very much. :raritycry:
Now rescue Sunset. :flutterrage:

I'd really like to see more of this

9675265
In regards to Sombra; yes it was a comic storyline. I haven't read it myself; but you may be able to find it online

9675294
Thank you for the elaborate review!

When I began writing this story, I wanted it to be about Sunset and Twilight's states of mind more than the actual events. At the same time, I didn't want to leave people completely in the dark about what actually happened either, so I compromised by intentionally keeping things vague. I did that in part because I generally feel the need to explain every little thing and I want to be able to set that aside in favor of 'more important' things, so to speak.

The approach I had was basically to write the immediate aftermath, then mention that they were girlfriends rather than just good friends, then how things began to wrong, culminating in the mirror's destruction, and finally their next step. During all of that, I wanted it to come across a bit disjointed and vague, as if it was just the two of them remembering events in a not necessarily completely chronological order. I'm glad you mentioned that it feels incomplete, in a way, because that was what I was going for to a degree (though maybe it succeeded a bit too well).

I fully agree with you on the 'telling rather than showing' thing in the story. Usually, I would try to avoid breaking that guideline, but in this case, as I mentioned before, it was sort of part of my premise to have this thing feel like the characters are just remembering the events, in the (for a story) uncharacteristic way of not having perfect clarity, even more so because from their perspective, the portal was just sealed off and neither is exactly in her right mind at the time. That's also my justification for why Twilight would order the weather ponies to create storm, something I'm fairly certain she would never normally do.

Again, thank you very much for taking the time to review this. I greatly appreciate it!

9675704
No problem. Thank you for writing the story. :)

This was beautiful, especially since Sunset was able to get one last message before the portal was closed. "I love you." Thank you for not going with the trope of being about to say it, but it being cut off *cough*quiteright,too.andifit'smylastchancetosayit,RoseTyler...*cough*
Note, I pointed that out to contrast similarities and differences, both being a universe away, both a sacrifice, but both different as well.

My question is, what about the other portal from Spring Breakdown?

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