• Member Since 9th Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen Last Monday

KatonRyu


My name is Thom, I'm from the Netherlands, and I love writing stories. That about sums it up, I think.

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Twilight is preparing for her first date with Sunset, and she really doesn't want her friends to know about it. Of course, they find out anyway and distract her from her preparations. But then, finally, it's time for the date to begin...

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 8 )

Enjoyable enough. If you're looking for constructive criticism, though...

There are two main things I'd work on. First, this is really two separate stories that don't have much to do with each other, one about Twilight being supportively heckled by her friends, and one about Sunset taking Twilight to the carnival. Twilight's issues with her friends' behavior don't change or contribute much to the date itself, aside from one line where Sunset mentions she was heckled too. Basically, they need to be tied together more, since the second half is what the story is really about and the first needs to contribute to that to belong. Maybe Twilight's feelings could be hurt by Spike and Starlight betraying her trust, particularly if they found out in a more mischievous manner, and she could have an extended talk with Sunset to work that out?

Second, anyone can take anyone else out for an evening and do the exact same things Sunset and Twilight did. What makes those two special? Why is this a SunLight romance instead of any other pairing? The story needs to focus on why it's special that these two are the ones who are here: why is Twilight glad it's Sunset standing next to her? Feeling lovey-dovey doesn't count - what does she like about Sunset? Is it her assertiveness? Her commitment to doing better and walking the path of harmony even when the odds were stacked against her by circumstance? Some past interaction they had, either from show canon or made up for this fic? And why does Twilight like those things? All of that also goes for Sunset. Both of these two are complex characters, and if you examine how they specifically fit together, you can take the story up a level from a cute date scene between two girls to a cute date scene between Sunset and Twilight.

Thanks for writing this!

9081359
Thanks for the feedback! Originally, I did plan for the first part of the story to have a much stronger connection with the second one. My first plan was to have Sunset be in a similar situation and they'd be talking about that quite a bit, but as often happens to me in oneshots that got derailed a bit.

As for the second part, I must admit that, at least in this fic, I indeed didn't give that much thought other than that I like the two of them together, so thanks for pointing that out. In my multichapter fic they do reflect more on what exactly it is they like about each other, but I fully agree that I could have brought it out a bit more here. I think that I omitted it now because I'd just finished a shipping scene in my other fic and it would feel like I was writing the same thing again, or something. In any case, I hadn't noticed it until you pointed it out just, so again, thanks for that!

I'm glad you enjoyed the story and that you took the time to write this feedback!

That was such a sweet story. Keep up the good work.

ok so if sunset can see into other peoples minds does that mean that is has a reverse effect that the person can see into sunsets mind

9677574
Not as far as I know, though she might gain the ability to show people her thoughts over time? Maybe one of the comics or a future EQG movie/special will explore that some time. For now it seems to be limited to showing the thoughts of the person she's touching.

9677576
ok i was so confused

9677576
Yeah, I think they will eventually get more abilities over time. Also great job loved the story and it made me smile :)

Great job, loved it to the end :)

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