This is supposed to be my first clopshot (or what counts as a clopshot when it sits at 14.7k words), but isn't what I'd consider to be my best work, so any comments on how this could've been done better are welcome.

10048818
Is this m/f or f/f

10048831
F/F

This was surprisingly wholesome. I kinda want to see more of Eve, clop or no. Well written.

Human Female on Mare is VERY rare around here, at least of the explicit variety. Even rarer when it’s written this damn GOOD. Fantastic work!

She shrugs once more, smiling. “It’s not my fault you have a nice body. Like I said, I like different. And those breasts of yours are pretty different.”

“My breasts, huh?” I glance down at them. “You know they’re small for a human, right?”

“Not for a pony!” She hops up and lands on all fours, standing over me and meeting my gaze with an excited grin. “To me, they’re fun-sized!”

“You’re fun-sized.”

“Of course I am, silly! Element of Laughter, remember?!”

I roll onto my back and prop myself on my elbows, smiling up at her. “You know, you’re the first person I’ve been with who’s ever take an interest in them.”

“Really?” She cocks her head and an eyebrow curiously, then lets her hindlegs give out and plants her rump on my abdomen, wide eyes lowering to the twin mounds on my chest. “But they’re just so plump and squishy! You don’t get that as a mare unless you become a mother, and even then, ponies don’t notice them much.”

TITS ARE TITS!
There's a meme with this, but I can't find just that part of it by itself.

Overall this was quite an enjoyable read and glad to see more human female stories. Whether it's with mare or stallion, the human female part makes it more worth it for how rare it is. This counts as a clopshot as long as it has only the one chapter. Length of the chapter doesn't matter. Could have been 40k and still be a clopshot with the only one chapter.

Though with anything, while the clop was very detailed and quite enjoyable, it does slightly lack with how it did in Lapse. There's detail in the sex acts, some foreplay, but only one actual climax. Now it doesn't need to have many climaxes, but doing only one makes it seem like it's just there. It doesn't also have to be ready and raring to go again, being able to do another foreplay that wasn't done during the first foreplay scene. Following that, you said earlier that this was supposed to be a friends with benefits and then one character realizes they have deeper feelings for them, and there's some trace elements in there that kind of makes it awkward when Eve also is cool with having a fuck buddy while trying to get some actual love.

That second part came about from what I can guess that you went to try and please too many people. The order is yourself, the person for whoever you're writing the story for, and audience. But you yourself is the most important first and foremost. And getting input from the person you wrote this for is good as well, especially when trying to make it something they enjoy. Your proofreaders though you shouldn't be trying to please. They're just there to help the story and catch inconsistencies.

That's about as much as I can think of at this time.

But yeah, still thought it was good, but that's my view on it.

10048818
I think you did a pretty good job. Not much of an opening, but kind of expected for a one shot. But even still, you set up Eve's character and the dynamics with Pinkie well enough that it was easy to fill in the blanks and follow along. Same with setting up the type of environment this work functions with in terms of relationships and sexuality.

As for your portrayal of Eve's and Ponk's characters and relationship evolution, I think you nailed it. Flirty and loose with how comfortable they were with each other without making them sound like empty lust centric characters that used sex in lieu a personality.

Then for the intimacy between them, I'd say you did better than most. A good mix of the visual, physical, and mental elements.

If this is not your best work, guess I'm going to have to see what else you have to give more than a passing glance to.

👍

Not quite a clopshot, more of a romantic porn. You still put a great deal of effort into seeing the scene which is great and why it's not just a clopshot.

I'm not the best at reviewing lesbian clop, so I'll defer in the sex bits, but the characterization and set up was absolutely strong.

Well done.

There were a couple of missed quotation marks that threw me a bit, but looks like it's just normal editing clean up.

I'm all for clopfics but you really should make it known what gender the protagonist is, cause I didn't realize it till she started leaving the table.

10051624

What's a girl to do?

......

The feeling of both being SO compatible and both of them clearly wanting more does take me out of it, ironically. It's one of those things where you're reading something and you KNOW if this was happening in real life, it would be different than the story.

You made them so appealing and compatible that it is more unrealistic to see Eve dating stallions than it would be for her to date Pinkie. That is why I feel weird about this story, and you're right, it isn't your best work because this isn't lining up. It feels like the author really really really wants them to be together, but for some reason said "no". It's probably the length too, you made the characters too developed to not have a satisfying finish.

That being said your ending is okay, but honestly everyone here is here for Pinkie and Eve to be together and you should have gone for that. It's way more natural.

Good job though, you are a great author :P

10052405
They do really click together, but this seems like Eve's in denial about it and Pinkie goes with the flow because she's Pinkie and wants everyone to be happy. Really hard to happen in real life, but with an Element it becomes possible, I'd say.

Oh, this was so well done. It's weird I'm saying this about a clopfic, but... the part with Eve just coming to Pinkie for support was super relatable.

Oh yes. A good story, Freglz. Ponkmeister is a great QT P2T pone friend.
The Eve and Ponkus character setup was cool and good, the story was great, and the sexual struggle snuggle was nice. Cuddle that cutie.

That was pretty good. I love how comfortable they are with each other, it just adds so much to the sex.
Great work!

“To me, they’re fun-sized!”

“You’re fun-sized.”

“Of course I am, silly! Element of Laughter, remember?!”

I like to think Gummy silently observed all this go down.

10569590
Figures you'd think of something like that.