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It was supposed to be a normal night. Attempt number two at a slumber party for Twilight Sparkle. While her friend Applejack couldn't join in the fun, she was still delighted to have her friend Rarity with her. But how will the night end when she lets her biggest secret out?
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Love it, write more!
Well... Let's get the harsh out first.
This has no conflict, and a very short play of events. It started very odd, spilling out a conflict that hadn't been previously implied, and, for the most part, solving it in the paragraph afterward. There was no buildup, no suspence - just an implied slip of an I love you and then comfort and compliance. Nothing to give the reader emotions. In the least you could have done the cliche "Oh man, the feelings are burning inside me, this is making me feel fuzzy, Rarity's flank is real perky today, are we cuddling? 'I love you' oppsies" plotline. You can still start from where you do if you at the very least give hesitation on Rarity's part that lasts a decent bit, not just long enough for Twi to commit to self-doubt (to be honest it's a talent of hers).
Now, for the good: all in all the way you write is very good, and I would go to the point of calling it articulate and other thesaurus words at parts. You certainly have the potential to write brilliantly in this story, but, unfortunately, the plot does not allow that writing to flesh out and blossom - to show its true potential.
Rarity and Twilight cuddle and kiss. Nice setup and very good execution but not much of a story. Really, there is no arc of suspense whatsoever.
Have a thumb-up anyway because Twilight is adorable!
Normally I'm a Twilight/Pinkie fan, but this was cute :) I also have been reading Twilight/Celestia fics, I guess I'm starting to read fics that are different from my pairing preferences. Although, I'm still a hardcore Applejack/Rainbow Dash fan ^^ Dunno if I would ever stray from that pairing, I haven't.......... yet, but the others I have been.
@gb2matty
The short length and lack of plot was intentional. This was written as stress relief from personal issues, and I decided to post it. I intend to draw it out into a multi-chapter fic later on, but for now this is just a teaser, nothing more.
I think it was cute. Just a few moments shared between friends, or whatever, but it is really good.
Dear God, thank-you. So many authors who ship Rarity don't seem to give a rat's behind about how Spike would inevitably factor into things, like he's just a cheap side character. Thanks to that, you would have a stronger narrative than the rest of them if only it actually went somewhere.
It seems looks interesting, nice teaser!
Not a fan of this shipping but great work! I just found a couple of grammatical errors but nothing horrible.
Very cute snippet
Makes me wonder if there will ever be more on the story.
Cutness too much for my heart to handle.
Perfect! Magnifique! I loved it~ =D