- Member Since 24th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Dec 7th, 2020
ponylover
Hey im a fan of MLP FIM and im trying to get a story down so yeah.
ponylover
Joined 24th Mar, 2012 ·
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Your grammar really needs some work.
1026294 thats why i need a prrofreader...want to be one?
1026306
No.
1026306 I can try...
You definitely need more description. Everything moves very quickly. If this is being told from Jerry's point of view, it seems odd that he would gloss over the loss of his entire family like that, as a throwaway thing that just happened but oh well!
Details are pretty key. Right now, I don't feel much sympathy for Jerry, and the characters all seem very wooden. The narrative needs to flow better, as well.
Example: your paragraph reads " "Well looks like it's time for me to retire to my quarters. Oh and Jerry when you get out ask twilight for some help. I'm sure she'll be more than happy to help you." Princess celestia said to me. I nodded as she turned and left the room. I then laid my head against the pillow that was under me. Looks like I just found myself another home. Hopefully the other ponies would accept me in thier world. With that I fell assleep in the bed exhausted happy to be alive. "
where mine would read
Celestia smiled gently, eyes half lidded with a mixture of exhaustion and curiosity writ on her face. She locked her magenta eyes with mine, a more genuine smile appearing. "Well, it looks like it's time for me to retire to my quarters. Oh, and Jerry?" I looked at her curiously, paying rapt attention to the mare before me. "When you get out, ask Twilight for some help. I'm sure she'll be more than happy to help you." I nodded to her, and satisfied, she turned to leave with her sister. As their hoofsteps faded from my hearing, I laid my head back against the pillow. 'Looks like I just found myself another home. Hopefully, the other ponies will accept me in their world.' My thoughts followed me down into my exhausted, but grateful slumber.
It's all about painting the picture. When you imagine the scene in your head, what are you seeing? What are you smelling? What are you hearing? What do you feel?
1026306
I can try to help you. Just send me a chapter before you submit.
1026429 wow... well thanks for that i'll be sure to do that
1026947 ok will do and hopefully it would be given back to me within a day not that i'm trying to rush you that is. Just trying to get these chapters out in a steady flow. Oh and tell me if the chapter is good the way it is
1028680
I would of course do it relatively quick, unless you sent it to me while I was at work. Then it would have to wait. Otherwise, It's good.
1026429 adding on to my last comment even though i have a proof reader. Want to be another one? Like you can tell me what you would put into it. I'm still a begginer in the fic writeing world.
liked this chapter, turned out good. can't wait for more
Good chapter, hope to see more soon!
Where the Grammar Nazis!
Loved this chapter can't wait for more
deviantart.com/download/292325275/celestia_trollface_by_eisenrot-d4u1jmj.png
1058882 Approved.
There were a few spelling mistakes, but a few are expected.
Keep up the good work man.
1079648 yeah sorry this was un-edited. It's just that since I had this idea just never got to it i had to get it out BEFORE it was edited
dumb move i bet
but we all learn right?
Also
at ALOT of moments.
fix your spelling, dude, but still its a good story.
1079760 want edited but now all fixed now.
fixed the spelling and grammar errors,. its killing me.
1092008srry proof reader is on it.
1092241 er.. mesa no getsa mr. email... me no gusta.
Good chapter. but yeah the spelling and grammar made me go insane for a bit.
i had school work so i just now saw your update glad you stuck with it thought
i really cant wait to see the combat, bet its gonna be epic, tears are gonna be shed, blood will fall. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
1098663 yeah thanks and I love the picture u have. A-10's right? Tank killers I think.
1098663 yeah thanks and I love the picture u have. A-10's right? Tank killers I think.1099657 Oh hohoho you are right but........there WILL be a surprise.
1099992 yep the a-10 thunderbolt or also known as the warthog its not just a tank killer its a every thing killer
OH SNAP
good chapter
good chapter
good chapter
good chapter
trollestia strikes again
thats so touching
LETS GET READY TO RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE
shining armor you bitch
DAT PLOT
Somethin's bound to go down...
dat plot
My reactions:
My Reaction
Princess Celestia
DUN DUNN DDDDDDDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Ok I would like to say now that has been a wild ride. If you want to keep following me and supporting me through my journy to become a better author then just hit the follow butten.
the mane six and celestia want you to.
That was kinda confusing what happened to nightmare? Other than that it was another great chapter.
"How about you come sleep with me in my chambers?"
"Sure tia."
i sense a great part coming along.
here come a clopfic