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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You definitely need more description. Everything moves very quickly. If this is being told from Jerry's point of view, it seems odd that he would gloss over the loss of his entire family like that, as a throwaway thing that just happened but oh well!
Details are pretty key. Right now, I don't feel much sympathy for Jerry, and the characters all seem very wooden. The narrative needs to flow better, as well.
Example: your paragraph reads " "Well looks like it's time for me to retire to my quarters. Oh and Jerry when you get out ask twilight for some help. I'm sure she'll be more than happy to help you." Princess celestia said to me. I nodded as she turned and left the room. I then laid my head against the pillow that was under me. Looks like I just found myself another home. Hopefully the other ponies would accept me in thier world. With that I fell assleep in the bed exhausted happy to be alive. "
where mine would read
Celestia smiled gently, eyes half lidded with a mixture of exhaustion and curiosity writ on her face. She locked her magenta eyes with mine, a more genuine smile appearing. "Well, it looks like it's time for me to retire to my quarters. Oh, and Jerry?" I looked at her curiously, paying rapt attention to the mare before me. "When you get out, ask Twilight for some help. I'm sure she'll be more than happy to help you." I nodded to her, and satisfied, she turned to leave with her sister. As their hoofsteps faded from my hearing, I laid my head back against the pillow. 'Looks like I just found myself another home. Hopefully, the other ponies will accept me in their world.' My thoughts followed me down into my exhausted, but grateful slumber.
It's all about painting the picture. When you imagine the scene in your head, what are you seeing? What are you smelling? What are you hearing? What do you feel?
Where the Grammar Nazis!
good chapter
Onyx they died when they read this. Although I really like the premise.
I enjoy the premise although I think the intro was poorly executed. Like during the first encounter it was a bit rushed.
It has some potential, but dear Luna does it need pacing. Not even better pacing; just pacing, period. Events move much too fast to have any kind of emotional impact or relevance, and some parts just don't make any sense at all (the whole "We're called humans. We have fingers, clothes and war" bit for example).
You need to seriously check your spelling and grammar.
spelling, missing spaces, and I think some repeats. other than that not bad.
...I'm going to be kind to my brain and just stop reading right now.
Perhaps a spell check or two might cause me to return
it you are "writeing" a word that ends in E but want to add ing you drop the E! its giving, not giveing. I would love to read this story but the spelling errors in common words are too jarring.
My father died in my arms at my hands
My mother, brother and dogs died in a fire while I was away
Then my girlfriend cheated on me
Then my phone ran out of battery
Then I stepped in a puddle on my way home
Then I got hit by a car
the story is good it has a good build to it, just needs some work done but for a first chapter not bad
2686889 I agree
1055664 Where 'are' the grammar Nazis? =P
Who needs details and characterization when you have EXPOSITION?!
Couldn’t get more than halfway through this first chapter. The story is obviously in dire need of editing for spelling and grammar, and the story as a whole needs to be more descriptive with a smoother flow. Right now the voice in my head sounds like a three-year old depressed Ben Stein trying to read a "big kid book".
I find it a bit unlikely that one of the first things he explains when introducing himself is war.
3847294 might i just say i havent read more than one sentence seen usmc liked and fav immediately is that bad?
5712005 im crying read the second sentence to find out he didnt get in DAMMIT i was excited
6369357 k taking back my like and fav cause that was omg so many simple mistakes and why is he like hey my species name is human oh on a side note were very aggressive, deadly and love to kill things in this thing called war wtf? Was that needed or relevant to the conversation?
I thought in the show they had clothes and war
Also it says Twilight basically kidnapped him, is he that fucking stupid, and the princesses too, to not notice or care about the fact that CROSS DIMENSIONAL TRANSPORTATIONAL KIDNAPPING IS FUCKING WRONG?? There’s a lot of shit wrong.
Can you see what's wrong with this paragraph besides the grammar and spelling errors?
9081183
the author obviously thinks these are normal everyday conversations that nobody would bat an eye at.
I'm extremely socially awkward and I think it's weird and kinda creepy so what does that tell you?