• Member Since 12th Dec, 2017
  • offline last seen Sunday

Andromidus


Problem solved! Verdict: utilize excessive levels of boom. If problem persists, use more boom.

T

In the ever-advancing land of Equestria, equdroids were constructed to make the lives of its citizens easier. In recent years, however, they seem to be malfunctioning and causing havoc. Attributed to a strange machine bug known as "deviancy" running rampant across many platforms, it seems as if the city of Detrot is the primary target, with the impression of things spiraling out of control as the machines begin to act beyond their initial programming.

While in the fog of uncertainty, something monumental brews in the mist.

The equdroids... machines simply meant to look as pony as possible... begin acting as equine as possible. Are they really showing emotion... or are they simply emulating expressions?


Detroit: Become Human Crossover


Please expect an erratic update schedule, at least until I finish up my other story. Thank you.

Chapters (15)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 37 )
Noc

Interesting. Very interesting. Not every day I take a chance on something in the “New Stories” list – never do, in fact – but I’ll be keeping an eye on this one.

Comment posted by KamikazeKawaii deleted Sep 30th, 2018

*The Sentinel gives some equidroid body parts to Rainbow Dash in a bag... Inside the bag, a note saying "Find the Jericho crew... The one in the Human Dimension, I've given you a map... Find markus and say this line... "They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse. Rip and tear, until it is done." and he will tell you the rest... Good Luck" He then leaves the junkyard*

9263891
The crescent moon appearing only in moonlight?

Pinkie’s realization reminds me of basically everytime I get on a computer. :rainbowlaugh:

Noc

It’s torturous how these updates are all split up. I wanna see what happens next with these two so bad.

Poor Spike. :moustache:

Noc

Can’t fathom why this doesn’t get more attention, though I suppose the subject matter is kinda esoteric. Still. Excellently written – the Spike chapter in particular was really well handled, really feel for the guy. Love the updates, can’t wait for more.

9265358
Thanks, I hope to continue to not disappoint!

While I've never played Detroit: Become Human, I'm liking the story so far!

Okay, I must admit, this is honestly very well done!
While I'm not familiar with the game it's based off of, the story telling is amazing, the characters have depths that I have a feeling I may end up finding out more of, and the world is extremely well thought out!

I look forward to the next chapter, and as such, have a like, fave, etc.

Very well done opening, who else than Pinkie to break the fourth wall. You also did very well with the feels there—whatever happens in the saga, I hope there will be the option to let Pinkie free!

Very well written, rolling with the main idea of the game, including some troublesome choices and character relationships to maintain, but with a very neat twist to each of the characters’ arcs. Looking forward to the next chapter!

Fascinating, how quickly one begins assuming the worst despite no input...

Oof, sorry Twi, let your legacy lead on...

Oh? Hmmm, perhaps we should adjust our timeline assumptions, unless someone is recreating history...

Alright, who broke Derpy's heart?
Soul-buddies, huh?

Perhaps the input method is not understood...

Well what did Celestia expect would happen recreating her?

Heh, hope they have security cameras...

The torch has been passed!

It's surprising enough then that any connection is getting through at all...

Oh boy, Sparkle is in for it now!

Uh oh... She really shouldn't have attempted repairs like that...

That memory unit needs attention...

*starts story on latest chapter*

... I’ve watched a Let’s Play of Detroit Become Human, I have no one to blame but myself.

Noc

I love this chapter as much as I’ve loved the rest, but a critique I have is that some parts are a bit too vaguely described, particularly the Rarity-flees scene – for several paragraphs I didn’t even know whether she was having a flashback, or whether it was still her POV at all. Made it a bit hard to follow.

9760935
Truly? I’ll see if that can be rectified.

Nearly 6k words can be a bit to slog through, however, I’ll manage.

Hopefully.

Noc

9760944
To be fair, it could just be me – I tend to get lost easily, which is why I particularly appreciate writing that’s sharp and direct, the kind that explicitly lays out the who/when/where/etc. and leaves as little guesswork for the reader as possible.

For instance, take this bit:

She jerked away as a scintillating flash struck her eyes. Reflexively, she raised a hoof to cut off most of it as she adjusted to the sight. Reaffirming and posture tensing for escape should anything endanger her, she chose, perhaps out of curiosity or plain stupidity, to stand and stare. The hunter also seemed to prioritize the growing noise and light behind them, turning almost completely to face it. The noise reached its climax as the source of the light shone at its brightest.

Only for all of that to be abruptly cut off.

It wasn’t until the mention of a kickstand a couple lines later that I even realized all this was referring to an approaching motorcycle.

The descriptions in the chase scene are all kinda nebulous and subtle, which conveys a feeling of uncertainty and confusion, possibly due to heightened emotions like fear, panic, etc. This all fits the context of the scene, but it makes it perhaps a bit more uncertain than strictly necessary. For instance, though Rarity’s being chased by Twilight, she just refers to her as “hunter” several times; only when I realized this was still Rarity’s POV (for a bit I thought we might’ve switched to Rainbow’s, or perhaps even that of a whole new character) did I realize this was referring to Twilight and that this was a direct continuation of the previous scene. The occasional mention of “the purple equdroid” or “Sparkle” would have helped alleviate that.

Anyway, this is all just my 1.5¢; it really is a minor enough critique. I’m really enjoying the story so far, and I’m eager to see where it goes. And don’t worry about chapter length – as far as I’m concerned, no piece of writing is ever too long when it’s good.

9760957
Ah.

Well, for this chapter anyway, I was trying out a less omniscient narrator with “muddled description” in the vision that I could simulate a closer, “panicked” POV from Rarity.

Frankly, I’m not quite sure that panned out too well, at least according to you (because there may be non-vocal readers who encountered similar problems). My job as an author, after all, is to ensure that my content is accessible by a wide majority of the audience.

Noc

9760982
Well, you definitely conveyed a panicked rush well enough. I just wasn’t clear on who was doing the rushing. :derpytongue2: I certainly wouldn’t want you to stick to a purely clinical, literal style either.

I’ll stress again that this could well just be me; I’d get turned around in my own story, so to speak. I’m curious to know what others may’ve thought about the scene. (Which really wasn’t badly written! I just had a little trouble following it at times.)

9760982
9760983
I have to agree, there were some jarring parts, notably in both this and Pinkie’s chapter. In most of the latter and here during Rarity avoiding the nets and at the very end to be exact. And to be honest, while they were useful in some spots, the thoughts interspersed into the run didn’t really help matters.

Still, I really enjoyed reading the new chapters, the world and character dynamics you are building seem to support the plot strongly :)

PS: Watch out for inconsistencies. Sparkle is referred to as her, they and it thorough the chapters.

Care to tell me more about Detroit: Become Human?

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!