• Member Since 12th Dec, 2017
  • offline last seen August 17th


Problem solved! Verdict: utilize excessive levels of boom. If problem persists, use more boom.


Story version of the post of the same name! Credit for the concept goes entirely to Whiskeylullaby.

It's been a couple years or so ever since the Dimensional Tear Incident of 2018—something that no one would've ever thought of happening. On both worlds, everyone is still getting used to the fact that alien life does indeed exist, some coming to terms faster than others. Cultural exchange is slow but relations only continue to get stronger.

In a show of kindness, the U.S sends a volunteer over to the Equestrian side to help manage their security problems; something that's been plaguing them for quite some time now.

It is quite the shame that MA Brandt is in for quite the shock.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 85 )

Can't wait to see what Crystal Guard Pony are weak to.

Edit: And you post the next chapter while I was reaching this one. Sweeeeet...

the ineptitude of the royal guards is pretty much a meme at this point.

These guards are ponified versions of the redshirts.

Eh... I was onboard with the concept, but making the guards into utter idiots instead of just naive and inexperienced killed it for me. There's plenty of comedy to be had with stuff like "why check your credentials if you said you're supposed to be here? Why would anybody lie about that?" without making them so dumb that a rubber mask fools them. That 'utter idiot' punchline can work for a short joke or comic, but a few thousand words of just 'these guys are dumb' got old.

The dark alicorn knew this. She was simply in denial. Her nephew’s words broke the dam.

Niece not nephew.

Really? Well, that's something for me to mull over—any advice regarding comedy would go a long way for me, especially since this is a new scene I've found myself in.

Is there a group for 'Human comes in and yells at everyone for being stupid'? because this and the equestrian checkpoint one are damn funny.

I'd love a sequel where the guards are now so paranoid, they don't trust anyone - including accusing everyone's credentials of being fake and the princesses of being changelings in disguise.

Oh god, my sides! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

Will read the rest of this gem, but this chapter alone earned the fav. The thumbs-up will be if the comedy holds to the end. :scootangel:

it's a masterpiece!

Four out of five isn't bad - have the thumbs-up, mister writer.:moustache:

And may I request more chapters for this one? I wish to see where things go with the Crystal Guard, as the other two were hilariously good.:rainbowlaugh: And the reactions of Luna and Celestia, my god! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

And poor Thorax - I'd like to read further about their friendly relationship.:fluttershysad:

Ultimate security: blow up everyone.

Then there's no one left to worry about!

Insane logic is best logic. :pinkiecrazy:

“I guess I'm just paranoid,” he said aloud, relaxing his stance. He flicked the holster cover open and slid the gun back where it belonged. Brandt turned and scooped the handle of the briefcase. Sparing one last glance, he checked his six. Nothing changed. “Yep. Paranoid as ever.” But still suspicious as hell.

When suddenly, "HI!! YOU'RE N-" (BLAM!! BLAM!! BLAM!!) The pink fuzzy blob suddenly had 3 very red holes in it...

"Aw crap, I just killed Pinkie Pie." The brony hoards descended upon him and destroyed him.

But then Pinkie was all better, because don't ask, it's Pinkie.

"And so, all your security sucks balls. HUGE balls. Like, blue whale balls, I'm talkin' here."

Celestia sighed, "Mr. Brant. Shoot me."

"Uhm... beg pardon?"

Celestia burst into explody flames and surged into the sky, "SHOOT ME, YOU PATHETIC MAN APE, BEFORE I REDUCE YOU TO A SOOT SMEAR!!"

In utter panic, Brant unloaded his entire clip at the flaming horror. Heh, flaming.

Celestia landed, unharmed, prodding a hoof and the liquid droplets of metal on the floor which were all that remained of the bullets. "You see, Mr. Brant. Anything that could harm me would crush my poor little ponies to a bloody splat on the ground in an instant. Soooooo, guards are pretty much pointless. Counterproductive, in fact, because most enemies would just use them as meat shields."

Brant blinked, "So this is basically..."

"DBZ, yes. And I'm one of the last remaining Saiyans... metaphorically speaking."

"God damned power gamers..." Brant grumbled.



Do you know where I can find the one you called 'equestrian checkpoint'? Thanks :twilightsmile:

From everything we've seen in canon, Celestia is not the all-powerful goddess we've been assuming for years.

Here you go! (If you haven't found it already, that is).

TEquestrian Border Checkpoint
To be able to live in Equestria, I have to perform a certain job. I have to be a checkpoint inspector. The princesses insisted that it’s because I’m good at it. I just think they know that I don’t like people/ponies/anyone that are stupid.
Yellowtail · 6.2k words  ·  1,209  28 · 19k views

I honestly don't think you failed in the slightest just because your ending lacked comedy! This story is wonderful!

Ah, but as we saw, the guards aren’t “utter idiots,” as you said.

Ponies are idiots, as evidenced by the fact that Thorax bluffed his way onto a train to the Crystal Empire with a crayon-drawing on a piece of paper taped over his face.

Hopping over to the author, you’ve done well with your absurd comedy: What we see happen either has to be so absurd that it shouldn’t happen, but not so absurd that it couldn’t happen, or has to be consistently absurd in the same way so that it doesn’t matter if it couldn’t happen.

That second one is especially important if the story has a straight man in it, as Brandt is here.

This is funny but it hurts me as a security guard.

I mean it would make sense not to check your own princess but still, dumb.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/413458/equestrian-border-checkpoint Is a one-shot with a one chapter epilogue

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/414279/papers-ponies-and-attitude Is a rewrite by the same author with a good 14 chapters that is still being updated.

Somemore fun ones.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/356276/1/death-comes-for-me/but-i-hide Grimm reaper comes for Anon, he acts like a kindergartner on the first day of school.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/395453/1/the-challenge/im-not-trapped-in-here-with-you Anon gets fed up of being treeted like a baby and duels Luna, crack oneshot. Is rated M no lewds just innuendo.

Will there be a sequel?

That's... sorta up in the air right now.

But who knows? Anything could happen.

9381522 Neither are Saiyans. But having humans guard Saiyans would be equally pointless.

Got it?

See, but imo it wasn't absurd enough to be funny. Absurd comedy has to surprise you with how over-the-top or unexpected it becomes. You need that surprise to generate the humor. The first chapter was about as expected, then the Blueblood chapter that reveals ponies have a zero in Sense Motive was executed in a confusing way that didn't really sell the humor. After that it was more 'ponies can't even disguises' which was already established and not embellished to a surprising point. The batpony section was a really good and amusing bit because the 'LIGHT' thing was unexpected and hilariously absurd.

Humor is subjective and is really hard to dissect or explain. All I can really say is that none of the humor aside from the batpony bit worked for me and the rest is my attempt to explain why.

Ponies are stupid beyond reason. I don't want to find myself in that world.
Now tell me: How did Celestia not recognize Chrysalis during the wedding ?

Damnit! You can't just stop here! You need to show the crystal guards failing!

Fair enough. You are correct about humor, and I accept your reasoning.

Anyone else noticed the reference to good ol' CS:GO stupidity?

NO! No! I am pony! Pony from Ponyville… EQUESTRIA! I from Equestria!

Only me? okay.

Can we get other stories, but this time its with a Fire Marshall and/or a foodplace Health Inspector please?

... Why the hell would they think he was Blueblood just because he got covered I flour? And is this an anthro fic? Cause if not this makes even less sense.

So, uh, is this the comedy of the story? Make all the ponies as utterly idiotic as possible so that they look bad compared to the humans? Seriously, what's the point of this story?

Unnamed stallion scrunched his face. “Well, are you a terrorist or assassin?”

And just like that, I thought of the Joke with Australian Airports.

The answer to that is in the next 2 chapters. You will not miss that answer, because it's a major plot point.

i love a spin off story where he just take over equestria, and actually improve the place like 200%

Sequel! Sequel! Sequel!

I didn't think anyone would actually get that!

they didn't evolve the ability to discern faces like humans did

I mean, we've been assuming their guards were pointless, but after eight seasons with these characters it's pretty obvious that Celestia and Luna are individually not that much stronger than Twilight. Hell their big "war between night and day" we assumed they had was one battle that wrecked one castle.

The guards absolutely need to be there, because an assassin absolutely could kill any of them, and they can be overpowered by a small group of normal ponies.

Comparing them to the saiyans is wrong. I'd put them more on early DB Yamcha's and Krillin's level. And that's not an insult to them. As much as "Oh Yamcha and Krillin are weak XD" is true in-universe, the powercreep in Dragon Ball was absolutely bullshit and Yamcha started strong enough to smash Goku through multiple layers of stone.

9384662 Yeah, but that still means the guards are useless. As kids, both DBZ fighters took out world-class fighters, and Krillin aided Goku against the Red Ribbon Army.

So, the guards need to be trained severely! I suggest they should spend a year in the Hypersonic Lion Tamer!


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