Lies and more Lies.
I sat at on a couch in the library attempting to pick up a tea cup, I honestly had no idea how ponies did it like they just held it! either there is a trick to it...or this body doesn't have suction cup hooves like the rest of them do.
After a few minutes of just pressing my hoof against the cup in attempt to grab it, I decided to try picking it up between two of my hooves, putting both hooves on the sides of the cup and being sure not to out to much pressure on the cup it broke, I slowly lifted it up, the cup slowly and shakily rose up making me smile.
That was when the cup slid down and fell to the ground dumping all the tea out, I frowned looking down at the tea I so badly wanted to drink, I've never had tea in my life and was curious how it tasted...
Twilight cleared her throat to get the Applejack copy's attention, the girls and her brought back the copy after she told them she wasn't a changeling and wasn't evil, that lead to this point where they all sat across from the copy as she struggled with the tea.
I looked at Twilight remembering I wasn't alone "um sorry about that...." I chuckled nervously rubbing the back of my neck, I also couldn't help but notice the very weirded out looks they all have me...especially Applejack.
"It's okay...." Twilight lit her horn casting a spell to clean up the spill.
"Woah..." I watched in amazement as the stained rug cleaned up leaving no trace of the tea, unicorns rock and I wish I was one...
"Now can you please tell us who you are?" Twilight asked as the girls all looked at the copy wanting to know the same.
"Well, it's a bit long..." I cleared my throat and was about to begin telling them everything before stopping...if I told them I was human...there would be no way they'd believe me...they'd think I was crazy....I really don't like the idea but...I was gonna have to lie to them, so I began my tale...
I told them I had awoken surrounded by copies of the Main Six, how unlike them I wasn't evil and that I for some reason had my own personality, I told them about how I realized I wasn't who the other clones thought I was and decided to act the part to make sure I'd survive, I then told them about Chrysalis's plan for the Elements, and what eventually happened to the the clones.
The girls looked at her in shock, Twilight's jaw was dropped, and Applejack was giving me a funny look.
"Wait wait so you're not a copy of Applejack?...you don't have any if we memories, none at all?" Twilight asked trying to make sense of all this.
"No...for me ah just woke up and knew something was wrong...ah know ah shouldn't be a copy of Applejack but also...don't know who ah should be..." I lied...partially...
"So wait the evil clones of them were like the de-harmony versions of them?" Spike poured more tea.
"Um yeah actually, they matched pretty well...well except for Applejack since ah'm in her body" I looked at the ceiling as I thought about similarities, was there a reason for that? Or was it that the de-harmony them are what they'd be like if they were evil?...or...ughhhh I hate trying to make sense of this impossible reality!!
"How do you know about the de-harmony us?" Applejack questioned
Oh shit...I forgot I was supposed to be playing the role of someone who had no idea of who they were..."um well...ah guess ah gained some of your memories..." Ok quick thinking is good.
"Yeah about that, ah'm finding it really convenient you somehow aren't evil, somehow have no meories except a few of mine, and somehow survived being turned back into wood" Applejack glared as she stepped towards her look alike.
"L-look ah'm just as confused as you are...ah really don't know why ah'm in a copy of your body or why ah didn't turn out evil either...but ah'm being serious when ah say ah'm not here to hurt or betray any of you..." I was extremely nervous and worried, I was trying to keep as many truths in what I say as I could.
"Darling...don't you think your being a bit harsh on the poor dear? She's been through quite alot judging by her story..." Rarity looked to Applejack trying to reason with her "she doesn't know who she is or if she even was once a pony, she's just as confused as we all are..."
"Ah'm just asking her reasonable questions rarity, the changelings were pretty darn good at lying too" Applejack huffed, she had a feeling about this..copy, everything it said just barely treaded on truth and lying.
I'm glad rarity was trying to help but...her words kind of cut deep, I was a real person I mean I remembered my life...but...I couldn't go back to that...how could I? What Chrysalis did was completely by accident..she didn't even know she did it, I was stuck here....in a body that wasn't mine, far away from anyone I knew including my family...I was alone.
As Rarity and Applejack were arguing Fluttershy poked them "um....girls" she pointed towards the Clone who was sniffling and rubbing away tears, all seven of them looked at her in silence as she broke down into sobs, Fluttershy walked over and wrapped her wing around her "hey it's ok...everything is ok.."
"No no it's not! Ah'm not going to ever see my family..ah....ah'm just Applejack's Clone...with nothing here...ah'm alone.." I spoke through sobs, my mind and emotions were already on thin ice because of this day, now with the realization I had lost everything and was truly alone I just...broke...
Applejack frowned 'was that why she was acting that way?...cause she didn't have a family?...ah'd no doubt be just as broken up about it if ah were in her place...not havin Granny, Big Mac, or Applebloom would be horrible....' she couldn't help but look at her copy with a more morseful expression.
"Darling isn't there any way to somehow see if she has any memories of her last self..if it exists?" Rarity whispered to Twilight.
"I'm not sure, I don't even know how Chrysalis made her or the others" Twilight sighed "until I find out more about all this we're going to have to help her through this.."
"I can help you try and figure this out too Twilight" Starlight smiled.
"Thanks Starlight" Twilight smiled back.
I slowly calmed down to just sniffling as Fluttershy helped relax me, she was pretty good at making a person feel better, from the gentle but welcoming hug, and the encouraging words, I looked up at the girls and wiped my nose with my arm "a-ah'm sorry..."
"Oh don't be darling, you're going through alot, it's only natural to have to cry, it helps you feel better" Rarity smiled softly.
"Yes it's the body's way of helping you heal" Fluttershy ran her wing up and down the other Applejack's back.
Pinkie jumped out from behind the couch he was sitting on and hugged him "I know what will cheer you up! A welcome to Ponyville party!" She smiled excitedly.
I looked at her, I could be stuck in worse places, I was in the world of friendship and was being helped by a group of the nicest beings in the world "Hehe...yeah maybe it will" I smiled faintly.
"First we should discuss where you're going to be staying, here in the castle would be good so I can run some tests on you and figure more of this out" Twilight smiled as she thought about the different tests she could do to help figure out this Applejack clone.
I thought it over and all the fanfics with Twilight's dungeon came to mind, I gulped "um that's a possibility...." I looked at the other girls hoping they'd say something.
Applejack recognized the nervous fear she had, it was her face after all "well...you could stay at Sweet Apple Acres” she suggested, she had felt bad for pressing her earlier and wanted to make up for...she also felt that maybe she could learn more about this copy of herself.
“Yes! Ah mean sure, ah'd love to” I chuckled trying to cover up my relief at not wanting to stay here.
Twilight frowned disappointed she wouldn't get to try her tests but smiled “alright it's settled then, she will stay with Applejack, by the way what should we call you, calling you Applejack will obviously be to confusing”.
“Oh um...” I can't give my real name...thinking it over I looked myself over, I was a greener shade of Applejack...wait I had it! "How about... Honeycrisp?"
“Honeycrisp?....ah like it" Applejack smiled
The seven of them agreed
“Okay everypony it's getting pretty late so ah think Honeycrisp and ah will head to Sweet Apple Acres, ah'm gonna have one heck of a time telling everypony there what's going on so they don't freak out seeing two of me” Applejack chuckled softly.
“Good idea” Twilight and the girls walked to the door. Applejack and Honeycrisp were walking out of the castle when Twilight came over to Homeycrisp and put her hoof on her shoulder “we'll help you the best we can, don't worry”.
I smiled “thanks sugar cube” I hugged her and followed Applejack out.
Twilight closed the door before freezing “wait did she just say sugar cube….?”
Applejack and me finally arrived at Sweet Apple Acres after taking the long way around town to avoid ponies from seeing me which was understandable, ponies were probably still reeling from the changeling attack, no need to freak em out more.
I looked around as we walked towards the house, it was like a dream come true, I was walking through Sweet Apple Acres, I have to admit I was a bit disappointed I couldn't walk through town but understood why it would be best not to. I was also having difficulty holding in my fanboying or girling at the moment...damn that hit my masculinity in the gut....
Applejack stopped Honeycrisp from walking into the house with her hoof “I should go in first”.
I looked at her confused before remembering how I looked “oh yeah hehe sorry ah'll just wait here till you tell me to come in” I smiled.
Applejack looked at her for awhile with a disturbed look, seeing herself smile like that was just plain weird. She walked inside looking around and listening for anything, she figured everypony would be alseep this late so she should be able to sneak Honeycrisp inside without any of them noticing her.
She walked back outside and motioned for Honeycrisp to follow, they walked in and she lead her up the stairs, she walked towards the spare bedroom only to stop, she remembered the room was set up for a guest and currently housed Applebloom's CMC supplies, groaning she turned back and towards her own bedroom and opened the door morning for her to go in.
I walked in and looked around, this was a really well pampered guest room, there were family pictures, pictures of Applejack and the girls-this was Applejack's room...I was in Applejack's room! "Um....why are we here? Shouldn't I sleep in the guest room or somethin?"
"It's not set up for a guest right now but by tomorrow it should so... we'll both be sleeping in this bed tonight" Applejack walked over to the bed each hooves step flopped on the wood floor, quiet so that it wouldn't wake the sleeping family members of the house.
I blinked my wide eyes.....sleep..in the same bed..as Applejack?...oh boy...my fanboy is screaming and jumping around, just relax...it's all good "o-okay" I walked over to the other side of the bed and watched as Applejack took her hat off and set it on the lap shade, my side didn't have a table or lamp so after struggling to get the thing off I put the hat on the floor and climbed into the bed before shuffling under the blanket, the bed was super soft, it felt pretty comfortable which caused me to let out a relaxed sigh.
Applejack looked at Honeycrisp, she had a doofy smile on her face along with a look of relaxation...has..has she made that face before? Jeez she was gonna be pretty self conscious about herself after all this, she got into the bed and pulled the blanket up to her neck "g'dnight"
"G'dnight" I turned my back to her as I closed my eyes smiling.
"...are you purposfully mimicking my accent or...?" Applejack spoke with her back to Homeycrisp still.
"N-no sorry...ah can't really stop...think it's the body..." I shuffled in the bed feeling embarrassed.
"Oh uh..it's ok..." Applejack felt embarrassed, bunch of colts and fillies asked ur about be accent when she was young and recently, it was somewhat annoying but they were curious kids...she now has the horseshoe on the other hoof...
Slowly the two drifted off to sleep, both exhausted from their long days, and both awaiting the next day which no doubt would bring more exhausting circumstances.
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8986934 I suspect his hidden, mounting bipolar syndrome was causing him to choose more erratic roles. And perhaps some people saw it and declined to put him in major lead roles.
This is Hollywood, after all, where even flagrant abuse is hidden as long as possible.
8987141
That's even more depressing!
Lol. A new chapter soon after being faved.
Glorious! That was pretty good.
8987150
Glad you liked it
8987144 It seems that Stan Lee has been a victim of elder abuse now, and it took fans noticing something was wrong to get anything done.
His manager is currently under arrest for filing a false police report, which he did when investigators came to do a check on Stan Lee's welfare. And immediately after, Stan Lee filed a restraining order against the manager.
Something very dirty has been going on there. And Hollywood was silent, AGAIN!!
Seriously, people. Stop listening to these frauds. They're all liars. The only actors I respect are the few telling the rest to shut the hell up and get back to making fantasy stories because they don't know crap about reality. Anthony Hopkins has done that in the past. He considers most celebrities completely out of touch with reality who just chase after causes they're told to support without understanding any details.
8987170
This is all depressing
they are gonna be the best of friends
8987201
Yes
i need to catch up with the cannon show.
8987366
Um that'd be good
8987388
It was originally supposed to be actually.
But I had to make it multiple, that's why chap one is so long compared to chap two.
I need a short spoiler maybe in a pm.
I mean I read the description of the main six in a wiki and watched the ending already to see them horribly die by melting or something like that when the tree could suddenly beat an villain stronger than Chrysalis and a few more.
However now to the story itself. I hope while I assume this story mabe continues sometimes around the episode itself, I hope this isn't only about the main six trying to brainwash the main char into being a good little pony.
What I mean with that is, that a main char sometimes doesn't get to keep a part of his own personality in such stories.
I'm going to either read it tonight or tomorrow. My question here would more or less be where you plan to take this story. Sometimes a spoiler even helps me more to get into the story even more.
aaaaaannndd he did it, well shit.
oh god he makes it even worse, honestly that is the only thing I dislike so far and one of the things I never liked that much.
Not sure if it is really about him telling them everything about himself being a human, or if it is more about the fact that the characters try desperately to be less mysterious and interessting at the first chance they get.
I like that she saved him otherwise I could see myself complaining about applejack, that just happened in the story I was read this week.
Now I'm not sure if I want the curse of the problem to be that he is not lying or not. I think it would be more my thing if he would have to lie just enough to get on Applejacks nerves.
His personality isn't so bad either, just the fanboy moments or more the I'm a human and I tell you that I watch you on tv thing, is something that I don't really enjoy.
Otherwise you did a good job.
8987610
you like to be everywhere don't you?
8987548
I have no idea what your asking.
And all I can say is you'll have to wait and see where it goes as I am thinking it through myself.
8987717
Yep and that is a problem on its own, a lot of bad story examples and a lot of worries for good stories because of that.
8988080
Alright I guess, but just to be sure I repeated my question in the end of that comment.
If you haven't seen them maybe, I also had written my first two comments to your story already.
I really like the idea, but some of the typicall stuff happens there, how the main char acts or what he does in ihis first few minutes in Equestria and stuff like that.
three words, content, pacing, and depth
Content: while the concept is a good idea, and I really do like it. You basically took a new idea and fed it into a template HIE story. You have no idea how many times I’ve read different versions of these exact same events.
Pacing: what little content there was was extremely compact and dense. You rushed a lot of scenes, and what could’ve been divided into two, three, maybe even four chapters was all crammed into one. Slow down, build your world, build your characters, and bide your time. The intro and chrysalis scenes could’ve been a chapter on their own.
Depth: To be brutally honest, your characters are shallow at best. Even the main character, the one we spend the most time with, is unlikable, unrelatable, and overall boring. Everyone else is either completely off character, such as chrysalis being uncharacteristically unintelligent, or they feel like cardboard cutouts with nothing being added to them by the story. The latter part is okay, but only if you create REALLY good original content.
Pretty much all of these problems can be solved by slowing down, and thinking about what you sound like. Also thinking, “who is X?” Where did they come from, where did they grow up, what were their parents like? Thinking of things like that ahead of time make a character believable.
And please, if my remarks sound scathing or harsh, it really is because I care, and I want to see the story and the author improve. I really do like the concept, but the execution needs work. I hope to see more, and that you improve your writing.
-Z
8987548
Your first paragraph was completely incoherent. Don’t even have a clue about what you were trying to say.
8988414
Well as long as the author roughly understands it and I think I even made a second reply to him already.
8988444
Apologies, I did not actually notice that the second reply was from the same person. I thought it wasn’t unrelated
8988405
The first chapter was mentioned to be just one story that's why it's so long, but I had to add another chapter instead of another sequel story.
8988405
Well I think I can't deny what you said here.
I mean I'm not the best at describing it like you do, but I can agree with a few things that you said.
I mean other stuff like making the pacing slower makes sense.
I haven't thought that deep into it this time, but you often can make several chapters out of certain situations.
8988966
Ohhhhhhhh. This was a oneshot. That makes so much more sense. Okay, then. My comment still applies, but I didn’t realize that this was meant to be only one chapter. Honestly if you’re trying to tell as much story as you are here, then you should tell it in more than just 2 chapters. In my opinion, at least.
8989200
Did you meant to give that answer to me?, it looks like you wanted to say this to the author but got the wrong one.
8989818
Literally already published a story in the time I said that, with that goal in mind, just gotta wait for moderator to approve it....
esta historia me encanto con su tema y la forma en la que se irá progresando.
buena suerte, te apoyo con la historia.
8991022
Thanks
Here's my commentary I made as I was reading.
This fic has a lot of "tell don't show", as well as a lot of capitalization, punctuation, formatting, grammar, and word-use issues. It also has a few somewhat odd assumptions (such as Twi somehow finding "sugar cube" to be odd, even though she shouldn't know that Jacob doesn't say such things, or Jacob somehow knowing that the clopping of hooves is the sound of Apple Bloom running over for a hug or that Granny Smith is smiling despite not being able to see her). Jacob suddenly being a terrible liar is a bit odd (fake!AJ rubbing off on him?), and Applejack being mad at him for Big Mac pushing him inside is honestly bizarre.
Jacob getting massively angry and fighting AJ when he wakes up makes him a little bit unlikeable in my book. "AJ's temper" simply doesn't cut it as a good explanation (especially when we've rarely seen AJ angry like that). Applejack blushing about being able to take a beating has unfortunate implications. And, for the second time, I'm not sure how I feel about "angry AJ". At most, it's a headcanon.
So Jacob's body is purely the negative side of Applejack? (minus liar, since he did that himself)
9007485
From how the show presented the mean six yes
more please
You lost me the moment the 'Liar started being honest and revealing all his secrets to the mane 6...
Honestly, these kinds of stories always lose me as soon as the main character says "You're a TV show where I am from." There is very little reaction 9 times out of 10 and the story devolves into simple wish fulfillment on the side of the author.
The pacing needs work. You could have taken several chapters to world build and develop your characters here. Instead, we wind up in horse world within half a chapter and it's instantly off to the races. We meet the mane six by chapter 2. Technically chapter 1, actually.
You really do need to set aside some time to develop your character. Give us something other than the "brony in Equestria" cliche. I know you want to talk about the mane six and have him meet them but instant gratification does not a good story make.
9073965
it would be funny if nobody believes her
like for example ... when fake applejack said rainbowndash ran away, twilight didn't believe it until he saw it.
9073965
it would be funny if nobody believes her
like for example ... when fake applejack said rainbowndash ran away, twilight didn't believe it until he saw it.
10273263
That's a good idea! Thanks!
I have to say it was a good concept but it felt really rushed at the end there. I'm not fond of endings like that but to each their own, the actual ending regardless of my personal preference, felt forced and rushed.
10275677
you're welcome
I really did enjoy this story. Any chance we'll see the life of Honeycrisp?
I'm pretty sure there was more to this story then just 2 chapters