A Very Happy and Sunny Life

by Wearin Hat

Mistakes Were Made....Again

Just what the fuck, what the fucking fuck. I mean, can I just get one damn day where the entire world doesn’t crap all over me?! It is really starting to get ridiculous.

You may remember that I found what I believed to be a replica crown, the dark blue one, you know, the one that was dark blue and shaped like a crown. Well, to be simple with it, the damn thing wasn’t a replica.

After strutting my fine flanks through town to show off my brand new -pine scented- lack of virginity, I barged into the
nerd’s stupid little library only to find that my entrance was outshined…heavily outshined by the one to occur before this.

Let me tell you a story, a tale of the princesses of Equestria. Yes, that’s right, two of them. I think I’ve mentioned that before. I think the second one’s name is Leotard or something. Well, that’s the end of my story. What purpose did that serve? Well, my bookish companion, that second princess was talking with Twilight when I got there.

Pretty damn magical how life likes to fuck me.

Well, upon inspection of her royal booty, I recognized this pony as the one I witnessed bathing in Canterlot and that she’s the one who witnessed me witnessing her. Read that sentence again. Just fucking read it. I’m having a horrible time -as is tradition for me- in Canterlot and the highlight is that I get to see a mare bathing and I can’t even get away with it and she happens to be the bitchier of the two princesses.

When I learned of her royal standing, my brain churned out one tartarus of a situation for me; that crown was hers. How it found its way into my possession is a mystery to me and I will never think of it again as my reaction to the thought fucked me over pretty bad.

Recall the rule of my profession. Recall it. Got it? Good. Items of royal belonging cannot be sold as I must do to get some of that delicious crap I eat. Yeah, that’s right, you can understand now why I overreacted.

Enraged at this thought, I pulled the crown out and through on the ground. Here’s a fun fact, royal crowns aren’t as sturdy as they look. You see, it broke upon contact.

This cued up my catchphrase, “Well crap.” That -and the shards of a royal crown and its pissed off owner- is all I left behind when I turned tail and got the fuck out of there.

Mistake number one; do not run from the royal guard. Especially not the demon-spawn that Princess Loopty-Doo has on hoof.

Mistake number two; do not run from the royal guard without looking where I am going.

Time slowed down as my Annoysense started going off. Wisely, I turned my attention from the flock of death behind me to see a waving retard that was quickly becoming a grey wall of retard. Don’t worry, luckily she chose to crouch down into a ball of fright rather than let me hit her face-to-face as usual. No, this time I didn’t crash/kiss that retard; I simply tripped over her and went tumbling into the river with Carty doing absofuckinglutly nothing to help me. In fact, that jerk dropped all of my stuff into the river.

To summarize, I destroyed a royal heirloom, evaded arrest, tripped over the bane of my existence, nearly drowned in the river, lost all of my stuff I wanted to sell, I damn near broke my leg trying to right myself on the slippery riverbed, hit my face on a rock, had a tooth knocked out on said rock, was rescued not by said rock, I was indeed rescued by a certain retard, the other retard watched, the one who saved me tried to give me mouth-to-mouth, I failed to stop her from giving me mouth-to-mouth, she gave me mouth-to-mouth, I bit her while she was giving me mouth-to-mouth, I got beat up by the bat-ponies as the retard cried about being bit while she was giving me mouth-to-mouth, I had to pull Carty out of the river by myself, and I am now currently hated by BOTH of the sovereign rulers of this stupid land.

You know, some might say that I’m unlucky, I disagree. You see, at this point I’ve begun to believe that luck has nothing to do with it and I am merely the target of a cruel world. There’s also that conspiracy that exists…so, nothing is ever my fault it seems, which is great!

Oh well, I’m still a little miffed about all of this. The worst part? Well…the second worst part? The mare -I swear I’ll be pissed if it’s a stallion- that allowed me to invade her province didn’t even step up to help. At least I think so. Nopony really tried to help. I mean, the retard did save me, but I wouldn’t put it past her that she messed up trying to drown me.

The only good thing that I can think of at the moment is that I found a nice amount of stuff. Here, list time: a sunhat, a toothbrush, a camera, a tooth, a white hat, a bag of bits with a note in it, and bowtie-thing.

So, with great and well deserved joy, BREAK-IT-DOWN!

The sunhat is pretty boss. It’s a wide-brimmed thing with a neat little blue sash wrapped around it. I like it, but it isn’t anything I’d ever wear. I must admit that this thing is in wonderful condition for something I found under a barrel. Perceived value: twenty bits.

Now thanks to my high standard of living and the ever important event of the fire, this toothbrush is a great find. I mean, I may not be very disgusting, but this will be the first good one I’ve owned in forever. I usually can only afford really crappy ones that break really easily. This is a very nice one that is extremely sturdy, it’s almost like a damn broom it’s so sturdy. Perceived value: priceless, to me at least.

Did you know that I have a very high opinion of myself? Yeah, I don’t believe me either, but this camera would be a great find if not for the fact that I lack a little thing called subtly. I’ll have to clean this thing first…I found it in a pile of crap. Do I want to know why? Yes, will I ever? Hopefully not. I’m keeping the film though. Who knows, it might be something interesting. Perceived value: fifteen bits, but I’ll bump it down to ten thanks to the crap.

And we come to possibly the most interesting item I’ve found; a tooth. Normally this would go into the crap pile that goes to the Apples at the end of the week, but this isn’t normal. You see, this isn’t just any tooth; it’s my tooth. Yeah, my tooth, the one that got knocked out by that stupid rock. I lost it in the water though, so what it was doing in the market is anypony’s guess. Perceived value: body parts cannot ‘legally’ have any economic value; so five bits.

I’ve found plenty of hats before, I even found one earlier daynight, but this one is really weird. It’s kind of like a beanie of sorts, but it covers your whole head except your mouth….or a pony’s mouth and head because you’re a book and lack those things, which reminds me, stop mouthing off to me….get it? Case you don’t have a mouth! Your mouth is literally off of you! Anycraze, this thing looks really weird on me. My stupid ears make it look like I’m hiding two marbles under it. Also, it’s white. Perceived value: four bits.

The reason I’m analyzing a bag of bits is because the bag is worth something too. I say it would be about two bits, which adds up to fourteen bits in total for it, but I won’t be selling them. Don’t look at me like that; I’m a little rust with this game, so shut up. Oh, the note that came with the bits tells me who it all belonged to. His name is Nocturnal Shield. Yeah, that’s right, one of those X-Stallions that were guarding Princess Lookity-Spookter. So I’m gonna cherish this vengeance. I’m also going to burn the bag and the note because I’d rather not have them figure out any vengeance has been gained at all. Perceived value: thirteen bits….literally, there’s thirteen bits.

This last one is kind of weird because I think I recognize it. From what I can tell, this bowtie-thing was made by Rarity and is fitted for a foal. What’s so weird is that I swear I’ve seen somepony wearing it before, which is weird because I know for a fact that nopony else has my awesome fashion-sense. It’d sell for a lot more if it weren’t ripped and stained with blood. I mean, I found this thing in the schoolyard…which pisses me off because the fights start happening the very instant I stop going there. Stupid. Perceived value: one bit.

Not a bad haul if I must say so myself. I mean, I probably won’t be able to cash it in tomorrow, but I’ll try. Let’s just hope they aren’t waiting to arrest me or something. Cause, you know, that’d suck.

Now onto more important things; such as retard bashing.

With plan GETTING BUSY complete, I must now find out how to activate plans PINKIE BREAKER and MUFFIN DESTROYERER. Not an easy task.

Today that grey retard got the upper hoof on me. Not only did she damn near kill me, but she stuck her filthy tongue into my glorious mouth. All she has is a bite mark on her lip and a bruise on her side to show for my trouble. Although, the idea of poisoning the town’s supply of muffins has come to mind thanks to it, so I guess I’m grateful.

Pinkie….gah….why? Why must I have to deal with her? She’s not dangerous to my health or anything like that other tard, but she’s just as annoying. Unfortunately, she’ll be harder to break. I don’t know why, but it just feels like that.

Oh well….I’m not really in the mood to talk about them anymore. Let’s talk sex.

Who could I have graced with my lance? I’m thinking Rarity, definitely her. Wouldn’t that be great? To have bagoinked that gorgeous mare who has her priorities in place? Yes, the answer is yes. Although, maybe Rose is another option. While not as nice as Rarity, it’s an appealing option due to her ties to the conspiracy. Imagine it, me turning her into a double agent. Wonderful! However, perhaps most pleasing is the thought of Blossom’s big booty. I’d have liked to have a piece of that cake. Although, I can’t imagine her giving me strange would be anything other than pity….oh well, doesn’t matter, had sex.

Well, I’d like to sit here and keep wasting your time, but I’ve got sleepy sleeps to get to. Unless my brain is skewed, I’ve got a lot of work to do if I’m to meet my quota for meeting the Apple’s requested crap amount. Unless today isn’t Wednesday, which seems weird if it wasn’t. All the bad things in my life happen on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Author's Note:

Greetings true believers! It is I, the Wearer of Hats! I just wanted to drop everybody a little message from me to all of you.

Forgive me for the slow updates here recently. I've been incredibly sick and have recently had to suffer from a concussion. I'm all better now...for the most part. This has been in the works for a little while, so please enjoy it. School ends here in two weeks or so, which will inspire me to pick back up on my writing. Sp please, be patient. Good things come to those who get them.

Hat's off to ya!

Comments

[Zephyrus Scary]

Oh. My. Celestia. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_dayum.png
This is brilliant. Just brilliant. No. More than brilliant. Beautiful, amazing... This deserves so much more attention than it has right now...Please, keep it up!

[Seether00]

How is breaking Luna's crown a good idea? Wow!

Maybe Pinkie can be taken off the hit list. She seems to have learned to leave him alone.
Derpy, yeah... she did kinda burn his house down.
Wonder where V is, hope she comes back.
I don't see Twilight as a good candidate for plan GETTIN IT ON. She dislikes Uni too much. Cheerliee is probably his best bet.

[notMurphy]

1720433 you uh, ... you did notice the "bloodstained bowtie sized for a foal" on the list, right?

[Kentle Colt]

Reading the story. Leaning back in the chair as I casually scroll through...read about the bow tie thing and I lean forward. I actually leaned forward. Ohhh~ Thank Luna there's more chapters to go and I can find out what happens!

[cullexoh]

Candidates for Domination (As in they Dominated Ipsa): Cherilee, Derpy or Caramel.

[Vivo Allegro]

That's odd. Stuff always happens to me on Thursdays.

[Savant Sentral]

I want to stop but I can't.