A Very Happy and Sunny Life

by Wearin Hat

Schemes, Plots, and Plans

Are you aware that I don’t own an umbrella? Cause I wasn’t and, as it turns out, it’s raining. By the time I got to the Nerd’s I was soaking wet. I had luckily enough foresight to put a tarp over Carty and all his junk so none of it got too wet. Otherwise that damn foal machine probably wouldn’t have bought anything.

Make no mistake, Booky, the Nerd bought it all. Everything. As you know, that means one single thing and one single thing alone; FOOD! So much beautiful food! Probably enough to get me by at least a day!

Mind you, that bitch was visibly angered by my attempts to sell the pouch belonging to Rarity, but she can suck it. I didn’t want that stupid thing.

Oh, can you tell I’m not blisteringly drunk? I’d like to be. In fact, rather than food money, I’d have preferred to be immobilized by cider. Instead, it seems that small barrel didn’t quite do it for me. I’m buzzed, enough so that I went outside when I really didn’t want to, but apparently not enough for me to drown out the pain.

And there’s plenty of pain. New pain, too, not just the old stuff I’ve been swallowing for days. You see, while I was talking to the Nerd I made the unbelievably enraging discovery that my plots against Diamond Tiara have somehow failed.

Yep.

Allow me to explain. The notes I wrote to deceive Silver Spoon and that colt got mixed up at some point and I delivered them to the wrong ponies. The filly got the note for the colt and the colt got the filly’s note. As you know, that completely ruins the whole point of the notes. Silver Spoon getting a note telling her that Silver Spoon has a crush on her is basically pointless.

Oh, that’s not it, Booky. Why would it be it? Apparently, when I fuck up, I fuck up in spades. You see, the one thing I was almost certain I had done right was destroying that statue. It did fall on my head instead of the ground, but it broke nonetheless. The problem is that Diamond Tiara didn’t even like the stupid thing and was begging her father to get a new one.

Fancy that, I actually helped the little whore.

Rounding things off is the tombstone. I was sure that plan would be the one to shatter her, if all else somehow failed then at least her grief would destroy her. Instead, I forgot that I didn’t know her mother’s name.

You can see where this is going, can’t you? Yep, I destroyed the wrong tombstone.

FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE!

Is it too much to ask that I utterly destroy a foal’s life?

I’m at a complete loss for words. I mean, how do you rebound from that? I failed V, Booky; I failed her despite my best attempts. I guess I’m just too damn stupid.

Wait, Booky, I have an idea. What if you go see V? I know I can’t get in there, but what if I sneak you into the hospital? That way she’d be able to write in you and give me some courage to forge onwards!

You think that’ll work? Cause I’m doing it regardless of what you say.

The only problem is in figuring out whom to trust you with. I can’t have somepony just up and read you. That would literally ruin everything forever.

Normally I use Rose or Nurse Redfart for sneaking crap in, but I can’t trust them. Rose is a double agent! By her very nature she is untrustworthy! And there’s no way I’ll trust that fucking nurse.

Hm. This is a problem. I can’t trust Rarity with this; she’s too much of a gossip whore. The Lesbian is too gay. Blossom knows too much as it is. Applejack is too stupid not to open you. Flutterpie probably would faint from me asking. The only good option is Octavia and if she saw the inner workings of my mind then I’d lose access to her.

Oh crap, no, not that, anything but that! I just came back from there, damn it! Come on! I probably can’t even trust her! I mean, yeah, she knows enough about me to not try my patience, but she’s also a fucking nerd. By habit she’ll want to read you! I mean…fuck, she’s the only option left, isn’t she?

Alright, here’s the plan, Booky. I’m gonna take you over to the Nerd’s library in the downpour, I’m going to demand she go check on V for me, and I’m going to demand that she take you with her. I suppose I can tell her that you’re for V’s eyes only. Once V’s done writing in you then she’s to bring straight back to me, unhindered.

Eh, I don’t like that plan, Booky. Much too much room for error. Of all the ponies to read you she’d be one of the worst due to her direct connections to the royal bitches. Rounding out this stupid cycle is the fact that she’s the safest one, though.

Fuck. Well, here’s to hoping.

Comments

[Seether00]

Three in one day. This plan sounds doomed to fail. Or work. Who knows?

[Blatant Chaos]

Three in one day?

Are you a wizard!?

[Johnny Walker]

Oh shit! Taking your diary to Twilight of all people?! This will only end well when she reads and looks into the mind of a lonely, apathetic sociopath who had just used her and her friends as rubes for crazy schemes to destroy Derpy and Diamond Tiara, calling anypony without a penis a whore, foalmachine, and untrustworthy double agents. Though it will show that V is really the only person he cares about, at all, and loves the filly to death.