A Very Happy and Sunny Life

by Wearin Hat

Entry 18 - Return of the Derptard

Sometimes I miss how quiet it is to not be insane. Not that I’m insane, daynight just happened to be one where my mind was free of the voices that are always screaming at me. And no, I’m not insane. Those voices are called thoughts. They said so themselves and if you can’t trust a thought, then nothing is sacred anymore.

Anybamboo, there’s a reason I’m in such a chipper mood this evenoring. However, I’m not just going to tell you about it. No, you’re gonna get a chance to guess. So go ahead, try your luck.

Booky?

Booky, you there?

Equestria to Booky, this is Commander Bob Sheppard, please respond.

Nothing?

What was that, Booky? Sorry, thought you spoke there for a second.

I’m gonna have to tell you, aren’t I? Thought as much…lazy bastard.

As you have probably noticed, V has not been home today…well…not for long. She was here earlier, but I’ll get to that in a second. Yes, I have (Disregarding you and Carty.) been alone for the better (As in quality, not quantity.) part of the day. During this time I’ve been able to…you know what? Buck it, I’m just gonna get to the story as there’s no point in explaining this now and then describing it later.

As you know, I came home from school without V and went straight to sleep. When I woke up, I went about doing everything I usually did in the mevenings before V came into my life. You know the routine: wake up, write a diary entry, eat my version of breakfast, and then other stuff. I was actually primed and ready to go and retrieve the blanket I ordered from Rarity when Celestia decided to throw me a freaking bone for once.

Let me stop myself there so I can muse about that little injustice. Why can’t luck find me more often? And no, I’m not talking about my innate ability to survive fatal damage. That’s not luck; it’s annoying. I’m talking about real luck. The kind of thing that says I’ll find a random bag of five hundred bits just sitting in the road one daynight. You know what I’m talking about; the kind of thing that seemingly visits everypony in Equestria daily….everypony except me. Yes, I managed to snag Octavia, but you fail to see what I see. I bet you five bits that something besides me will ruin that for me in the next week or so. In fact, I can almost guarantee that it will happen. My only hope is that I get to roll around in the hay with her before the natural order is restored.

I suppose I can classify finding V as something of good luck. She’s been an absolute dream to have around. You know I mean that cause I wouldn’t say about anypony else. For the first time in a long time, I don’t mind having her around, which is great.

Heh, without realizing it I have just constructed a nice transition into the previous topic. I’ll award myself twenty thousand brownie points for that.

You see, as I was preparing myself to leave and achieve ownership of that blanket, I was interrupted by somepony knocking at my door. Let me tell you something, I LOVE answering the door. It’s literally the only time I get to be as rude as I want to be without getting in trouble. Unfortunately, I didn’t get a chance to yell greet my visitor with my usual charm as they spoke first.

Let me go ahead and state that what followed the opening my front door was possibly the most awkward game of Glass Half-Full/Glass Half-Empty: The Game of Optimism vs Pessimism ever contested off of the pro-circuit.

Standing there on the other side of my front door were four ponies. I will describe them in ascending order of aggravation. Standing at the front of the group was none other than V. She looked positively ecstatic and beaming with (Ugh.) happiness. However, this (Ugh.) happiness appeared to stem more from anticipation rather than actual joy over something happening in front of her. Standing to my left of her was the pony who had evidently knocked; Rarity. Looking as gussied up, as usual, the rather fetching unicorn was painted with a look of genuine happiness and minimal fear to see me. Now that I think about it, that fear seemed more like anticipation than anything else. Makes sense considering that she had my blanket folded neatly in her saddlebag. She was probably nervous to see that my specifications were met. Standing next to V was the unicorn filly from school. For the life of me, I can’t recall her name and it wasn’t mentioned in the following conversation. She seemed just generally happy if not a little anxious to be near the house of the Night Wanderer (The nickname I’m assuming the town refers to me as in passing.), which is good cause the last thing I want is a bunch of fillies and colts annoying me. My strangeness has always kept them away on Nightmare Night and I intend for that to always be the norm. The fourth pony was one I didn’t entirely notice until my brain decided to notice her. I’ll just go ahead and state that Derpy mustn’t be as retarded as I paint her out to be. Whenever she feels the need to bother me, the bane of my existence seems to time it so that there are witnesses to prevent me from getting away with whatever crime I’d be charged with once ‘dismissing’ her.

It was mostly Rarity and me who did the talking. She told me that she was here to thank me dearly for the extraordinarily generous (Her terminology.) gift I had given Sweetie Belle earlier and for standing up to Diamond Tiara for the girls (A generalization that I’ve taken to assume to Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, V, and the unicorn filly.). Impressed with my actions, Rarity even told me that the blanket would be free of charge, which was wonderful as that means I can buy food now. However, beyond the obvious observation that she was escorting V home from Sweetie Belle’s birthday party, Rarity’s presence didn’t explain Derpy and the unicorn filly’s being present.

Let me cut to the chase and avoid the awkward small talk that led to me getting to the REAL reason I was being bothered. According to Rarity, Sweetie Belle requested a slumber party for her closest friends to be held at Rarity’s shop/home/thingy. Apparently that list of friends includes V now. To be honest, when she said that, I wanted to kill myself as the only rationalization for their annoying me was that they wanted me to attend the event so that V wouldn’t raise tartarus or something. Yeah no, I don’t do the chaperone thing. Ever. However, much to my pleasure, they were there to simply ask my permission for V to attend. That’s where a snag was found.

As you know, I’m scheduled to leave for Canterlot with the lesbian (Note to self; do not call her a lesbian when in her presence.) in about ten minutes or so. Originally, that meant that V was scheduled to leave with me. That presented an obvious problem as there was no way in tartarus I’d go out of my way to retrieve her just to walk all the way back across town to board a train. Rarity, being the awesome pony she has become in my eyes, provided a solution as she said that she’d be more than willing to watch V for me until my return. Derpy offered too, but…yeah…I decided to go with Rarity. What surprised me (And made me proud despite my misgivings about having such feelings.) was that V didn’t even hesitate to hear about that. All she did was hug me tight before running into the house and grabbing her crap and hug me again on the way out.

Who knows, maybe she isn’t really a mute. Maybe V has just been really shy or really traumatized by something and only through the constant love and care given by me can she overcome it. Or, as I’m guessing is the case, she really IS a mute and has simply become comfortable with her surroundings.

I know what you’re thinking; how does that explain Derpy being there? Well, my friendish book, the unicorn filly apparently wanted to give V some company on the trot over to my house and that prompted Derpy (Who I learned was the filly’s mother.) to tag along as well. Still not make any sense? Good, cause I don’t get it either. I just chocked it up to her wanting to annoy me.

Anycue, Rarity’s absolutely awesome offer freed me of the burden of lugging the filly around Canterlot and paying for her. If I didn’t know any better (I don’t.), then I might be willing to believe that Rarity was flirting with me, especially after I saw her blush at my affirmation that the blanket fit my specifications. However, that raised a significant problem for me. With a new avenue for plan GETTING’ BUSY opened up, I had to take precaution to make sure I didn’t ruin it for myself.

Let me explain.

As stated earlier, something is bound to ruin what I have with Octavia and I want backup plans for in case I don’t get some quality strange from her. I’ve only got a few at the moment. Blossom is a definite possibility with her shapely booty. Applejack would’ve been my next guess after Blossom. Try and remember that this list will only contain mares that I don’t have to forge a relationship out of. Blossom knows me from foalhood and I’m an acquaintance of Applejack’s brother. I suppose that means that Twilight becomes a possibility due to our already established acquaintanceship. Unless the lesbian is truly a lesbian, then I suppose she makes it onto this list as well. Alright, let me just spell it out for my own benefit. Blossom, Applejack, Rarity, the lesbian, and Twilight. Yep, that looks about right.

If it wasn’t for the fact that she happened to be a mare, then I might be willing to make Rarity my friend. Oh, I kind of jumped right into it, didn’t I? Well, let me fix that.

I thanked Rarity for her offer and accepted graciously whilst also offering my services in any way to repay for her kind deed. She rejected my offer and said that she would think nothing of it and that it would be her pleasure to have a filly as quiet and non-destructive (I still don’t know why she’d go about describing V in that way.) around her shop/home/thingy.

Fittingly, Derpy insisted on staying to satisfy a curiosity that she had been nursing for a while. I had to fight every urge in my body to slam the door shut in her face once she was alone. However, she managed to catch my attention when she mentioned that she was actually checking to see if I had found any dropped letters in any of my recent shifts. Being the professional I pretend to be, I told her that I had in fact encountered a few pieces of mail a few days ago. When she persisted in knowing which ones I found, I told her that I found three to be exact. One was a stupid postcard (That came with free Wonderbolts tickets that I failed to tell her about.), the second one was a letter to Princess Celestia (With yours truly being the subject matter.), and an anonymous love letter. I kind of zoned out after I revealed all of that, but I recall she left in a hurry with a blush on her retarded face for one reason or another. I can only hope that her hurried departure was due to me farting or something.

With that out of the way, my entire schedule became free of V and thus I didn’t have to account for her presence.

That helped me get through my shift in record time.

There was, however, one little hiccup that occurred that I think you would like to know of.

As I was making my way past the Carousel Boutique, I noticed that there was a tent set up behind it that had the sounds of muffled laughter within. I didn’t have long to wonder exactly what the crap was going on before Carty decided to sing the sleeping residents of Ponyville the song of his people. That prompted the giggling to stop and for the appearance of six fillies to poke their heads out of the tent to investigate. It only took me a second to notice that one of the silhouettes was sporting a tiara. Yeah, I can tell you know what happened.

In the span of only two seconds I was bombarded with two different fillies hugging me in greeting. One being the welcomed embrace of V and the other being the surprising embrace of Sweetie Belle, which I’m proud to admit didn’t get turned away due to a fear induced attack. I actually managed to return the motion to the two (Lacking the emotion of course.) before getting back to work. They tried to keep pace with me but gave up quickly for one reason or another. I’ve felt kind of bad since that incident. I’m sure Carty would’ve loved to say hi or something, but I was simply in a hurry to finish up in time to wash the smell of crap off of me before having to sit on a train for an unknown period of time.

With that out of the way, I feel you may know what’s about to happen. BREAK-IT-DOWN!

My haul daynight was nothing too special. However, I must say that the majority of what I found daynight was actually pretty nice in quality and will probably allow me to pay for food for at least another week or so. That being said, here’s my haul: an ornate mirror, an hourglass, an abacus, a solid gold bar, and a gold medallion.

The abacus is weird as crap. I have never seen one of these close up before and I can honestly say that I have no damn clue how it works. From what I can remember, nerds use these to do math stuff with math things and it makes math numbers or something. I don’t know. It’s got a nice make to it though. Every piece is painstakingly carved from wood (Presumably from Whitetail Woods due to the texture and lack of decay.) using unicorn magic. The framing is your typical brown that comes from wood, but the little pieces making up the complicatedness of the device are painted red, blue, yellow, and white. The bars that those pieces are resting on seem to be made out of wood as well, but appear to have been reinforced with something to prevent snapping. Perceived value: Thirty-five bits.

The mirror is interesting as I’ve never really found anything this ornate before. It appears to be made of brass or some other metal of that sort and is absolutely COVERED with depictions of the Princesses and other stuff. I wouldn’t really get too excited over this if it wasn’t for the fact there was a handsome stallion looking back at me from the mirror. Yeah, that just happened. Perceived value: one million bits if I can get the stallion to stay in the mirror, but seeing as that won’t be the case; I’ll price this at twenty bits.

Alright, I want your patience here as the gold bar isn’t quite what you’d think. At first, I felt like exploding due to the fact that I had just found a bucking gold bar lying in the road, but upon further inspection, this thing merely appears to be made of gold. If I were to say so myself, then I’d say that this is the production of failed unicorn magic or something of the like. I say failed as the gold bar is FAR too soft to actually be gold. Perceived value: fifty bits.

I’m not going to dwell on the hourglass because it isn’t anything special. Sure, it’s made of some nice wood and appears to have been carved with love and everything, but it’s still a bucking hourglass. Perceived value: ten bits.

That brings me to the gold medallion. Unlike the bar, this thing is the real deal and appears to be made for a stallion wishing to max out his SWAG. I’d keep this thing if it weren’t for the fact that my SWAG is currently broken. Perceived value: forty bits, but I’ll make it seventy for emotional trauma.

That does it for the evenoring dude. Now, get your crap together cause I’m heading out in about four seconds. I’ll make sure to place you on top of the folded blanket that I’ll drape over my shapely flank for safety.

Comments

[Savant Sentral]

GO IPSA!!!