A Very Happy and Sunny Life

by Wearin Hat

Pony VS Nature

Before you say a single thing I will have you know that taking a break after only an hour of walking is not lazy at all, if anything it displays both my initiative to make a decision and my intelligence to conserve energy. Also, you should be so lucky that I’d take such a quick breather. I saw the way you were sweating back there.

Oh don’t start with that self-loathing crap, Booky. It is perfectly acceptable to be winded after all the stress we’ve been through. Not to mention that navigating Whitetail Woods in the dark is hard. So stop whining about appearances and public perception of you and take this chance to rest your bindings.

By the way, I’m fine, thanks for asking, you poorly conditioned jerk. I just got out of the freaking hospital and am still coming down from the pain medication, but no, you’re right, we should be more concerned with how hard moving is for you rather than the vast potential for infection I’m risking right now.

You know, now that we’ve had a chance to stop moving and focus on the scenery a little bit, I have to say that Whitetail Woods is a whole lot different than I thought it’d be. I mean, it’s still dark and all, but I was expecting a reasonably well maintained forest, not the mess of roots, rocks, and wet patches of grass and mud. Isn’t this place supposed to be a tourist attraction or something like that? You’d figured that the mayor would take better care of such an important thing. If a gardener with the balls to do it were to make it a pet project then I’m sure they’d make a killing from cleaning this crap up.

To make matters even worse it smells horrible. What even is that? I clean streets for a living and I’m almost sick right now. Smells like a wet fart wrapped in a freshly thrown up dirty diaper. I’m talking really bad. I don’t know how your pages haven’t started yellowing yet.

I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised that nature smells like nature, though. In fact, I can recall sparing a few seconds to ponder what sights, smells, and tastes I’d be encountering for the rest of my life. And I swear to the sky above that I will rip my tongue out if the berries and other edible delights taste like crap.

Speaking of sights, well, what little I can see right now looks like a freaking haunted house. Gnarled trees, somehow visible mist, and freaky glowing flowers are all I can see. I mean that. Tell me, can you see what’s twenty feet in any direction? And don’t you dare try and say trees.

Oh ha, aren’t you a smartass? Well guess what, Mr. Smarty Pages, ominous pitch blackness doesn’t count as something you can see. If anything, that’s the lack of sight. You can’t see darkness, idiot. It’s just the absence of light. And don’t you set it in on my tiny little lantern (More of a candle, really.), it’s trying it’s very best to give me six feet of flickering almost-light.

Alright, that’s enough rest for now. Onwards!

***

How can’t you like those, Booky? They’re convenient, pretty, and, most importantly, created by me. You know what, I’m gonna keep using them. You can just swallow whatever bitching you have to offer cause it won’t change crap.

Anypay, I swear that smell is getting worse. It’s like the further I go the more atrocious (That’s right, even out here in the wilderness that rooty-tooty-spooty dictionary is still paying off.) this stank gets. Trust me; I’m not trying to trick you just because you don’t have a nose. There really is an overbearing smell I can’t seem to escape.

And no, Booky, the smell isn’t coming from me. I’ve checked. I may be a lot of things but smelly is not one of them.

I can’t let it get to me. This is my choice, damn it, and I made it to save the most precious filly I’ve ever met from going down a very dark and lonely road. So no matter how bad this stench gets I will endure it for the rest of my days. I swear it.

***

Maybe I spoke too soon, cause whatever the crap I’m smelling is leaps and bounds worse. I didn’t even think that was possible. How can something go from horrible to terrible?

Ugh, it’s so freaking distinct, just a very particular kind of rottenness. Yeah, that’s it! Rotten! That’s what it smells like! Rotting, decaying wood! I’d know the scent of waterlogged lumber from anywhere!

Shut up, Booky, I don’t care if that’s pretty much what you’d expect from a forest. You know what? I expected the pleasant aroma of flowers and trees, so fuck you.

***

Seriously, though, what the crap smells so freaking bad?! I mean, does it have to be so overpowering?!

I’ve got a game we can play while we stumble around in the dark. Booky, can you guess what smells like the bowels of Tartarus? I was thinking some kind of dead tree or something. You know what I mean? Like, a tree that fell in the forest (Whether it made a sound or not is an entirely different question.) and has just sat there unnoticed for a long time.

What? I’m wrong? Well fuck you, Booky. I don’t care if we would’ve run across something like that by now. There is literally nothing else that could be. If you’re so smart then why don’t you tell me what is killing my nose?

Booky, what the fuck is a timber wolf? A wooden…wolf? You mean, like, a wolf made of wood? Really? Booky, do you even know how retarded that sound- oh, wait, do you mean those things from the Everfree Forest? Yeah, I remember now! What the fuck would they be doing in Whitetail Woods? I mean, yeah, I agree that it would explain the fucking stench but come on. The crap from the Everfree can’t survive outside of it.

What exactly the fuck is that supposed to mean?! We are NOT in the Everfree Forest, Booky! Just because I’m the one who was following the directions doesn’t mean that I followed them wrong, dick.

I never do anything wrong. Ever. So the notion that I accidentally wandered into the Everfree Forest instead of the intended destination of Whitetail Woods is just ridiculous.

***

Completely ridiculous.

***

Absolutely ridiculous.

***

Utterly ridiculous.

***

It’s possible that a slight navigational error has been made. Something that is perfectly understandable given the situation.

***

IWASSOFUCKINGWRONG!

***

Alright, alright, alright, I think I lost it. I had to lose it. It was only one of them. They don’t hunt in packs. That’d be ridiculous.

***

WHY DO THEY HUNT IN PACKS?! IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR!

***

Shut the fuck up! This is your fault, you jerk! If you fucking knew we were going in the wrong direction, TO THE WRONG FUCKING FOREST, then why the fuck didn’t you pipe up?

Whatever, I think I lost-

***

I DID NOT LOSE THEM!

***

Alright, alright, that should buy me some time. Fuckers probably can’t climb. Probably.

Okay, let’s take a second to breathe.

You alright? Kind of a sudden change of pace, so it’s cool if you’re freaking out. Huh? You’re hurt?

Oh, ouch. Uh, it’s okay; it’s just a torn page. You’ll live.

I’m okay. Just a few scratches from trying to run. Glad my saddlebag is still okay.

Alright, so we’re being hunted by, um, three or four of those timber thingies. And those fuckers are mean. We should be fine for now, though. They probably can’t- IS THAT FUCKING THING CLIMBING?!

***

I did it! Booky, I did it! I killed one! Yay! Fell on it when I rolled out of the tree! Now let’s get the fuck out of here!

***

IT’S NOT DEAD.

***

We’re okay. I’m breathing. I’m writing. You’re okay. We’re okay. It’s okay, they won’t find us. They won’t find us and we’ll get out of here.

Don’t look at it, Booky. It’s just a scratch, okay? I’ll be okay. Nothing to worry about. Fucker got lucky. I’m okay, just don’t look at it. I need you to stay calm, okay? One of us has gotta keep their cool.

Where did that other one come from? I didn’t even know it was there. I mean, I should’ve been able to hear or smell it, right? How are we supposed to get out of here with those things tailing us?

Just stay calm. That’s what we need right now.

I think that if we kept going north then we…wait, is that even north? We left Ponyville going east, didn’t we?

It’s okay, we’re just lost. Lost in the Everfree Forrest. Lost with a pack of hungry timber wolves hunting us. Lost and scared.

No, no, don’t say anything, it’s okay to be scared. See? I’m scared too, buddy. We’ll be okay, I swear. We can’t die in here.

***

WE ARE GOING TO DIE!

***

My fucking heart can’t take much more of this terrifying bullshit! Life is NOT supposed to play out like some sort of scary story! I mean, how am I even supposed to get to the part where they eat me alive when I’m about to die from fright?

Strength, we need to be strong. Gotta survive- HOW CAN THOSE FUCKING THINGS POP OUT OF NOWHERE?

***

I’m starting to get kinda tired. We gotta think of something. If it keeps up like this…no, it can’t come to that. Mind numbing depression, soul crushing guilt, and innumerable suicide attempts (Both accidental and intentional.) have failed to kill me. I am NOT letting some fucking twigs put me down.

I may be life’s bitch but death’s gonna have step its game up if it wants me gone.

***

Alright, they seem to hunt mostly by sight, smell, and hearing…which are basically all of the senses, but I digress, if these things are gonna stick to that plan then I think we have a chance. The dark is helping me provide some cover and some mud should help me blend in to whatever is visible.

Yes, I know, covering myself with mud and being really quiet isn’t going to change my fortune. If I’m gonna get out of this alive then I’ve gotta do something about the smell. Unfortunately, those damn things probably have a pretty good read on my scent thanks to the blood. I’m not without resources, though.

Here’s what I’m thinking; if I cover up the wounds with mud and leaves then that should work to obscure my trail. It won’t eliminate it, though, so I’m gonna have to leave my bowtie thing behind. If I get it covered in blood and hang it from a somewhat low branch then, if my luck holds out (Tempting fate like never before.), those wooden bastards will get sidetracked for a few minutes. That should buy me some time to put distance behind me.

I won’t lie, buddy, I’m scared. Make no mistake; I am not cut out for this wilderness survival crap. We can’t give up. I will not wind up mauled by some smelly bitch.

Alright, let’s do this.

***

That somehow worked. Can’t get cocky, though, I know how my luck works. Those things will probably catch on really, really quickly. So we don’t have long. You’re just gonna have to do what I say, okay? I’m gonna throw you down this hill first and then I’m coming after you. If something happens and I don’t make it down then…I love you.

No homo.

***

Haha, yeah, fuck those fucking things! Couldn’t handle just a little bit of intelligence from a superior mind!

We’re gonna be okay! I don’t think those stupid things will follow us down that hill. A hill that turned out to be far longer and steeper than it first seemed.

Huh? Oh, that. It’s just a bite, Booky. Barely hurts. I promise I can hardly feel it. Don’t focus on it. We’ve gotta get out of this place.

The plan? Uh, well, currently we’ve gotta escape and then we’ll see about where we go after that. Although, I don’t really want to go back to Ponyville. All of this suffering is being done for a reason that is far more important than our safety.

No, we aren’t discussing this right now. We’ve gotta focus.

Looks like we’ve got a few options open to us: over there, past that tree, and, uh, that way.

I see what could very well be a path, which means there is no way in Tartarus that I’m going to go that direction. Can’t trust a path made and maintained in the Everfree. You’d have to be incredibly brave, stupid, mistaken, or cursed with my luck to even enter this place. If you think I’m gonna fall into that trap then you have severely underestimated me (Again.).

I think I can hear some rushing water, which means rapids. That’s probably the safest choice since we can just follow the river at that point. If there is somepony in here somewhere that could help us then the odds are that they’d put their house somewhere near a clean water source. I, however, am not that stupid. Not only do you risk falling into the raging water via slippery slope, but how many prey animals do you think rely on that river? And if the typical targets of predators frequent a location then I need to not do that.

My smartest choice would be to move in the direction where the trees start thinning out. I want out of this nightmare infested forest. Those trees over there are a good example. Since the Everfree hasn’t expanded past its borders that means the ground in that direction is harder for the trees and crap to root. That means the more I can see through the trees (Which isn’t pretty far, considering I lost my little lantern when those I was ambushed.) the closer I’m getting to the exit.

***

Oh wow, this is pretty much just a huge clearing. We’ll be safe for sure here. It’ll only take a few minutes for us to rest up and after that we’ll try heading west…um…well, we’ll go that way.

Huh, really makes you wonder how these kinds of places exist in nature. It’s just a little spot of no foliage. I think I see a few tree trunks here and there. Isn’t a little weird how only those are broken?

Look, those scratches on that tree must be from where the other one fell and hit it. Heh, nature’s terrifying and cool. Wait. If that’s where a tree fell then where is it? There should be a rotting log or something. And now that you mention it, those scratches don’t…um…oh.

***

MISTAKE.

***

Why is this forsaken place filled with the most retarded things ever made? On top of that, why do they only want to hurt me? I mean, what the fuck was that thing? Looked like a giant lion/scorpion/bear/fear itself.

I hate the Everfree Forest.

We’re okay, though. Big fuck couldn’t fit through the thicket I dove through.

Clearly you were wrong about this direction being safe. Let’s just stick to the river.

***

Yep, looks like some rapids and such. Clean water, though. Wish you could drink it. Pretty good stuff. Did wonders for all my bloody wounds (By that I mean I am not hurt or bleeding in any way and you have nothing at all to worry about. Trust me, I pretended to be a doctor once.).

From here we’ll follow the river (Or is a creek? What exactly distinguishes the two? When is a river not a creek? And, for that matter, what the fuck is a glen?) downstream. Why down? Well, my bookish companion, upstream means uphill. Uphill means inclining terrain. Inclining terrain means the base of a mountain. The base of a mountain means there’s a mountain in that general direction. We do not travel towards or near mountains. There be dragons there.

***

And here apparently. There be dragons here too. Well, there be a dragon here. A heavily effeminate and probably gay (Could be a lesbian, but the lack of Rainbow Dash makes me question that.) dragon at that. A dragon that…has hair? Um, what am I looking at here?

Booky, can dragons have hair? Is that a thing? I’ve never seen the Nerd’s little slave with hair before either. Then again, Spike’s a baby dragon (Her wording.), which makes the Nerd the proud owner of a child slave. Or would it be baby slave?

Okay no, that thing has a fucking mustache. What the fuck is going on? Why is the mustache two colors? And why does half of it look oddly familiar?

Huh, weird. I don’t think we’re in immediate danger, though. Stupid thing is too busy looking at its reflection. If we sneak by then we should be good.

Now, before we risk everything in an attempt at stealth, I feel I should point out…um, hey, is it just me or is the wind starting to pick up a bit? Weird, shouldn’t the wind be chopped apart by the dense trees and crap? And what the fuck is up with that whooshing sound?

***

WINGS ARE NOT FAIR! WHY DOES IT HAVE WINGS? WHAT DOES IT NEED TO CHASE THROUGH THE AIR THAT NECCITATES IT HAVING WINGS? FUCK.

It’s okay, we’re okay, this crap might work to our advantage. That lion thing hit me hard enough that I landed on the other side of the river and with that gay dragon distracting it we can put some real distance between us and them.

No, I’m okay; I don’t think the stinger was in long enough to count as a real sting. I mean, yeah, it hurts a lot, but I’ll be fine. We just have to get out of here.

***

An ancient looking little bridge swaying dangerously over a chasm obscured by mysterious mist with the ruins of an evil looking castle looming past it.

Nope.

***

Like I said, buddy, I’m sure it’s nothing. Just burns a little. I mean, come on, the bite and the scratches are, like, ten times worse than that. I’ll be fine. Please focus.

Okay, since there’s no way I’ll be trying my luck with that deathtrap back there, we gotta go backwards. That means we have to deal with the gay dragon and the newest bane of my existence. And, of course, we can’t forget about those damn wolves.

I’ve got an idea. If we head further downstream we can avoid the dragon and maybe get lucky enough to find a place to pass at. And, like I said before, we’ll stay off the bank of the river itself this time and stay behind the trees where that flying piece of nightmares can’t find me. Not really sure what to do after that other than get out of here.

***

Sorry I didn’t say anything about the gigantic log and all that, wanted to get across and back into cover as quick as I could before stopping to write.

I found this really big log that I could use to cross the river with. Seemed pretty convenient, which means there must be somepony alive around here who can help me out a little. Which, yes, is the plan for right now.

***

Look, Booky, lights! I’m saved! I never thought I’d be able to do it, but with your support behind every step I think we’ve finally seen the absolute worst this forest has to offer.

Come on buddy, lets…is that a zebra?

***

Of fucking course it was a zebra. It just had to be one of those filthy fucking savages. Why couldn’t it have been more of those wooden bastards? Or how about that demon with the wings? I mean, seriously, I’m caring my most treasured positions and I happen to run right into a fucking thief. I’m lucky I got out of there before it started casting curses or tossing spears at me.

I mean, seriously, what the fuck is up with my luck?

Alright, ignoring that brush with death, let’s concentrate on…oh for fucks-

***

GETTING REAL TIRED OF THESE FUCKING WOLVES!

***

You wanna know what else I’m getting real tired of? Climbing tree after tree after-

***

Well, buddy, I think this is it. I’m pretty sure I just broke one my legs. I can’t tell which one, though. There so much pain going through me right now. Any minute now one of those fucking wolves is gonna walk right on up and start eating me alive. And in the soft glow of these fucking flowers that failed to break my fall to boot.

This was such a fucking mistake. I mean, come on, I know everything I’ve said and all, but come on, do you really think I didn’t know what I was doing? I mean, yeah, the Everfree wasn’t supposed to happen, but I knew I was leaving. I’ve known the whole time what this has all been about. I’m scared.

Can you even think to imagine it, Booky? V looks up to me. I’m responsible for her. My decisions have a direct impact on her. I’ve never been much of anything, let alone a role model. The thought that through an action or inaction I could change her entire future is absolutely terrifying. Fuck these timber wolves, that lion thing, these trees, or even the damn zebra, I’ve been running away from the very filly that has put a smile on my face.

How fucked is that?

I should have stayed. Celestia knows I could’ve figured something out. Would it have been easy? I mean, changing everything about me to make sure that little angel has the right kind of pony looking out for her is, even as I wait for my death, the most challenging thing I can think of.

Let it be known that I’m not quitting. I’d never quit on life. My mom gave me this life. It’s the last thing of her I have left. To just throw it away…no, I’d never do that. What can you do, however, when your body just can’t do it anymore? My leg’s probably broken, my burns are probably infected beyond belief, I’m losing blood from that bite, and I’m not feeling too good about those scratches. That goes without mentioning that sting.

To put it bluntly, I’m not doing so hot, buddy.

I’m so sorry I did this to you. Its nice knowing you’ll be here with me as I die, but I’d never wish such an end for you. Just do me a favor and close your eyes when it happens.

I’m getting really tired, Booky.

Huh, you know, as it gets harder to write I’m starting to think of something I hadn’t even considered. I’ve suffered my entire life in efforts to avoid my bastard father. I mean, I can imagine me easily killing that fuck. Always, no matter what crap I did, I’ve thought myself more like my mom than him. Yet look at me now. I’ve run away from a little foal who really needs me cause I was too fucking scared I’d fuck it up.

Funny how life gives you what you gave.

Remember, don’t watch when it happens. I love you, brother. Nighty night…for the last time.

***

So I have an interesting question, why the fuck am I still alive? I mean, I pass out for…um…a few hours and those persistent fucks just quit?

These flowers look really weird in the morning light. Think maybe the wolves didn’t wanna risk touching them for some reason? It’d be awfully convenient, almost as much as that nice little ray of light poking through the trees.

Booky, I can see the sky. I can see the morning sky. Hehe, didn’t think I’d see it again. Kind of helps me forget I’m basically dying right now. Whether it be infection, wild animals, venom, or starvation, I’m done for.

Smoke. I can see smoke. Booky, I can see smoke! Ponyville! I can see smoke in the sky! Booky, do you know what that means? Derpy’s house burned down! And if that happened…that means Ponyville is that way.

I can make it. Booky, we can do this. I’ll probably be imprisoned or something, but we can get home! Broken leg or not, I’m not letting those fucking wolves finish me off. There’s a little filly who needs her best friend to suck it up and beat the odds!

Come on!

Comments

[xoid]

There are so many lines from this chapter that are eminently quotable that I don’t even know where to begin.

[Seether00]

Wait. Derpy's house? Uh oh

[Jack Kellar]

As soon as I saw the word 'Everfree', I literally facepalmed. Literally, as in I physically did it IRL.

Damn you Ipsa, you complete dunce.

[Wearin Hat]

5986965

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.