A Very Happy and Sunny Life

by Wearin Hat

Entry 14: Nope, Not Dead...Yet

I’m tired. So…very…tired. Why can’t everything be simple and not hard? It really would make me happy if I didn’t have to be exhausted right now. For the sake of crap, it isn’t even my damn job that’s making me all tired all the time. No, I have THE easiest job in the entirety of Ponyville and I have nothing but praise for it. I know what you’re thinking; if not my job, then what could possibly be making me whine about fatigue? Well, let me tell ya, being me isn’t as easy as it used to be.

Ponies used to never even give me a second glance. I’d go shopping for food and they’d only give me what I needed and leave me be. Nopony would wave to me in greeting, nopony would try and make awkward small talk, nopony would tackle me to the ground in thanks, and nopony would bother me. My life was like an afterthought that only occurred to those that had to deal with me. Mayor Mare and Twilight were forced to deal with me due to my occupation and, in Twilight’s case, the lack of Mayor Mare’s availability. Big Macintosh and Applejack were forced to deal with me because they sell food and because they take organic stuff from me that I pick up during my route. That was it. Nopony else ever thought of me. That was before the fire.

Here is the list of ponies that I must deal with on an almost daily basis: Twilight Sparkle, Mayor Mare, Big Macintosh, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rose (Not entirely sure if that’s even her name at this point.), Spike, Rarity, V, Octavia, and now Blossom. Crap, even Pinkie Pie seems intent on bothering me by staying within eyesight. Thankfully she doesn’t choose to approach me, but just seeing her is painful enough. I’m lucky that retard doesn’t insist I deal with her. Worst part? I’ve apparently now got Princess Celestia’s attention…in a bad way. That’s too many annoyances. Far too damn many.

You may be wondering what it is that’s made me so tired; allow me to indulge you into the happenings of my nightday and daynight.

It all started with me heading out with V to get her some school supplies. I will admit that I enjoyed myself far more than I should have as we made a very important stop by Rarity’s to get some new bowtie things for me and the brat, two new saddlebags for me and the brat, and a brand new blanket for me. I’m very impressed with what the unicorn churned out. Seven brand new bowtie things for V with each being in a different color and different designs, three new bowtie things for myself with each being the same color and design, a beautifully stitched white saddlebag with gold lining for V with a heart shaped clasp, a generic saddlebag for me with a clasp shaped clasp, and a blanket that isn’t finished yet. I was really amazed she was able to actually finish the order within an hour. However, given the size of the bowtie things and the non-complicatedness of the saddlebags, it isn’t really surprising that they’d be easy to make. The blanket is another story. Rarity said it would take her another day to complete it to my specifications. I asked her to make the softest and most comfortable pink blanket that she could. I’m really eager about getting that thing. Once I have it in my possession, I can give V the crappy one that I found in the street.

I’ve actually taken quite a liking to visiting Rarity. Though ponies seem to be actually willing to give me a chance by being friendly, she is the only one who seems legitimately respectful and fearful. What’s actually a little weird is that she doesn’t seem as scared of me as she was before. It must have something to do with being around my hotness so much. I used to think my hotness would be almost radioactive for anypony to be around it long enough, I suppose that I can now say that my suspicions were true.

Afterwards I dropped by Rose’s stand and got five posies for me and V to snack upon. I swear, Rose gets weirder and weirder every time I stop by her stupid stand. She must be a new operative for the conspiracy as she’s not very good at hiding the fact that she’s hiding something.

I spent almost five minutes looking for a place that sold pencils or paper. This crap is too stupid to be true. I couldn’t find ONE damn place that sold either. Can you believe that?! To say I was displeased would be correct as I honestly haven’t really cared too much about this whole thing since the duty was unceremoniously put upon me. So, rather than make a scene in town, I decided to go to Twilight’s library since there is literally nowhere else in Ponyville I could think would have the materials I want.

This visit turned out to be the MOST BORING THING EVER! Well, I wouldn’t say ever. I have yet to sit through an entire day of school watching colts and fillies listen to a mare drone on for hours. The only thing that stupid nerd could talk about was how happy she was that her brother was coming for a visit. Yeah, I couldn’t even try to give a buck on that one.

Luckily, the nerd had exactly what it is I needed and seemed more than happy to see that I was actually doing what she had told me was my duty to do. Yeah, that’s right bitch, believe the illusion I have concocted. The very second Celestia takes her eyes off me the restraints come off and I’ll have my vengeance.

Oh wow…that was dark…like…really dark. I’m not even kidding right now…that sounded straight up villainous! Huh, that’s definitely food for thought.

My biggest mistake of the nightday turned out to be me taking my damn time in getting home with the brat and my new purchases. You see, if I had only trotted a little bit faster then I wouldn’t have had the pleasure of being tackled to the ground by a certain lesbian I had to remind myself not to kill in my rage.

There is some good news, rather than attacking me for whatever contrived reason she could concoct, the lesbian was actually trying to hug me and had simply failed to watch her speed. I’m all for mares rubbing up against me and everything but I do not like being pseudo-raped by an overly energetic lesbian.

According to her hurried speech (She was very excited as I referenced above.), she had only just this an hour ago received a package from the Derptard that contained the flowers and tickets that I had sent her. She told me that she had been meaning to thank me for the flowers I had been sending and that she REALLY (She stressed that part.) wanted to thank me for unexpected gift of her newest Daring Do book. Now these are her words and not mine, so please forgive the unpleasantness of her word choice and usage, “And when Derpy delivered some more flowers from you that also happened to come with some freaking Wonderbolts tickets, I practically EXPLODED FROM THE AWESOMENESS!” Her addition to that pleasant exclamation was almost as bad as the Lyra the Word Killer’s little priceless quote, “YOU-ARE-WITHOUT-A-DOUBT-THE-RADDEST-STALLION-I’VE-EVER-MET-AND-I-WANTED-TO-SAY-THANKS-AND-MAYBE-ASK-IF-YOU-WANTED-TO-GO-WITH-ME-TO-SEE-THE-WONDERBOLTS-IN-CANTERLOT-ON-WEDNESDAY?” If I did not require her alliance, then I would’ve bucked her mouth shut for that crime against the spoken tongue.

If you couldn’t quite catch what she was trying to get across, allow me to spell it out for you; she was really grateful for my final gift and wanted to have the second ticket and go with her to Canterlot on Wednesday to see them with her. That better?

Seeing my opportunity to seal the deal with this alliance, I accepted with the most sincere smile I could manage. Of course this means that V will have to come along with us if she’s still stuck in my damn house. I don’t mind that fact though, she’s already quiet as a damn mouse and I doubt she’d ruin anything for me.

The rest of the nightday passed on without incident after the lesbian finally left me alone after being REALLY grateful and happy with me. All that really happened was that I put my new purchases away and set Carty up for another daynight of work.

As usual, the filly never uttered a word beyond the simple whimper or chirp or something. I swear, I like the silence but her muteness is really depressing. She’s old enough to be getting her cutie mark now and thus there is absolutely no reason that she should be a fucking mute. Oh well, it's not my problem and hopefully it remains that way.

My haul daynight was really unimpressive. I didn’t bring home anything worth going nuts over. Here’s what I brought home: a bowling ball, a Princess Celestia doll, and a wizard hat. This has been an odd three weeks or so in terms of finding things. I used to get a steady supply of stuff I could sell for twenty bits a piece and crap, but now it’s either priceless treasure (Of which I give prices to despite being priceless.) or useless crap that I have no use for. Daynight was another of those daynights. However, there are two items of note that did not make it back to my sanctum after being found. I’ll get into those after we play the break-it-down game.

Alright, let’s do this; BREAK-IT-DOWN!

The doll is pretty freaking sweet if I must say so myself. I was not even aware that they made these kinds of things, but I’m not surprised now that I know. Celestia’s the ruler of our country and is beloved by her many subjects, me not being among them. Don’t get me wrong, I fear her power and authority and I think that she has the sex appeal that any mare would kill for, but her hips hide something that I don’t think she is entirely aware isn’t completely hidden. You see, I’ve never met the Princess personally (Something that I wish to say for the rest of my life.), but I’ve seen her in town once or twice and I’ve noticed something rather telling about our ruler; her hips have the tell-tale sign that she is undergoing a diet of some sort. She appears just fit and thin enough to derive attention away, but the little roundness of her royal booty is one that I’ve grown to recognize due to the fatties I’ve seen in my lifetime. Think of it as trying to hide a horrendous mane cut under a hat only for it to pour out to the side and still be slightly visible. That being said, this doll is not anatomically correct as it lacks the size of her royal booty. Perceived value: ten bits.

The bowling ball is something that I don’t find interesting at all. I’ve never liked bowling. I just don’t get the point of the three holes on the ball and how they supposedly relate to how you roll it. All I’ve ever done successfully with one of these was to drop it off a roof and splatter a watermelon. This thing isn’t quite fit for that task as it seems kind of small for a stallion or mare. Also, the quality of the item seems to suggest that it hasn’t been inside for ages and thus was victim to the weather. Perceived value: ten bits.

At first I was really excited about the wizard hat. I’ve always wondered if they actually made these for real wizards to wear during their wizarding times. To my disappointment, this stupid thing looks to have been ravaged by something with claws or something like that. A real wizard hat would be magically indestructible. Which means this is a cheap knock off. Perceived value: one bit.

So yeah, not really a productive night in terms of what I could bring home with me. However, that’s not to say that I came home broke.

The two items I found that I didn’t end up bringing home with me were very useful to have out there in the daynight. Once more it seems that somepony (I’ll get to that in a minute.) dropped a bag of freshly baked muffins. These were very nice for me to find as I was starting to get hungry while V’s stomach had been growling for an hour or something. The second item I found was the one that will pay for the trip to Canterlot on Wednesday. It was a really nice silver sash-thing with a sparkle design on the center of it. I’ll elaborate in the next paragraph as I’ve grown tired of this one.

Having just found the muffins, I continued on my route as usual with V sitting happily in Carty munching on one of said muffins. I’ve actually grown quite fond of her presence. Even though Rarity, Applejack, and Octavia are fine enough company for me to suffer through without complaint, V is like something out of a dream. She does what I say, she listens to me when I speak, she doesn’t talk, she’s always in a chipper mood unless she isn’t in one, and never makes ANY objections to ANYTHING I do or choose to do. I’d kill to know a mare like that. The only time I regret her presence is when I try to do anything by myself. V simply must be with me at all times or she gets incredibly upset.

I still can’t imagine who would throw this filly out on the street. I mean yeah, I plan on doing the same thing when Twilight figures something out about what to do with her, but that still seems a little cruel. I’m at least throwing her out to a home that will house her. It actually makes me a little sick to think of somepony abandoning this little girl the way they did. To be honest, I’m really pissed that I can empathize with her on that issue. Nopony should be mistreated by a parent. Sure, I had Mom and I was happy, but that ended and I was left with Daddy dearest who liked to show me his love with his hooves.

…Did I just tangent for a second? No, I mean, did I seriously just get side-tracked by this crap? That’s weird…I better get rid of this filly before she causes me to do something I’ll regret…something that’ll make her parents regret their decision even more.

Where was I? Oh yes, the library.

Well, I trotted past the library as I normally do and I noticed that, as usual, the lights were all on. That usually means she is having one of those late night orgies she likes to have. I’d rather not ever know what she gets up to in that place when the town goes to bed.

Anyblue, the lights being on made something on the ground sparkle. I picked it up and it was the silver sash thing with the star emblem on the centerpiece. From what I could gather at the time, the thing must belong to Twilight as it was lying directly under her balcony which led me to the realization that she must’ve draped it over the railing of the balcony where the wind blew to the ground. I also came to the quick conclusion that the thing was important to her as I didn’t make it five hoofsteps before I heard her yell my name from said balcony.

She didn’t waste a single second in teleporting over to me and scaring the crap out of both me and V, Carty was fine as it takes a lot more than that to startle him. Normally she would probably have been concerned that she had done something really stupid, but daynight seemed like one where she didn’t even give the thought of remorse a second glance. From what I could gather from her begging tone of voice, the sash belongs to her visiting brother (I was not aware Twilight was into that kind of thing, but I am not surprised.) who had apparently lost said sash whilst helping his sister find a book on (Yeah, I wasn’t gonna believe that after having the thought of her nasty deeds in my head.) the history of the article of clothing.

I can see that you know where this is going.

Being the important object it was, Twilight wanted it back. Well, my dear friend, I quickly recalled that the item in question was NOT an Element of Harmony and did NOT belong to the Princess in any way and was thus MINE according to law. This meant that I did not have to simply give back the thing without getting anything for it. Yep, that’s right my dear friend, she had to pay this time. And pay this time she did.

After an agonizing five minute wait, Twilight finally gave in and bought the sash back from me then and there for TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FIVE BITS! You could say that I was ecstatic about the exchange and I probably would’ve spent the rest of the daynight skipping like a certain pink retard had it not been for the briefest glimpse of a stallion glaring at me from the window of the library. Seeing him sent a shiver through my body as, remember as I said before about not wanting to know the nerd’s fetishes, I realized he was her brother….the brother she was letting join her nightly orgy…you know…the orgy from tartarus.

Before I pass out for an hour (I’ve got to make sure I’m awake for school after all.), let me leave you with the realization I had about the muffins I’ve been finding. Written on the bag (I’m not sure whether or not the other bag from the other daynight had it too.) was the accursed name of one Derpy Hooves. Yep, the retarded bane of my existence. It seems she’s too retarded to keep track of her belongings as she heads home all the time. I mean come on; even I know the retard adores muffins. So she has to be pretty damn stupid to go and lose another bag of fresh muffins. Freaking retard.

Comments

[fedback]

k, enough reading....i need sleep. I ll finish this tomorrow....loving it by the way

[Crusadier]

Derpy must be pretty smart.

Intentionally leaving a love note by a torn bag, probably finding some way to get the guy tickets, and most importantly leaving muffins behind for him and V to eat.

Well played.

[Vivo Allegro]

derpy is playing this guy. Proof that mares can't be trusted XD