A Very Happy and Sunny Life

by Wearin Hat

Downhill From Here

Today wasn’t any better than yesterday. I tried to make it better, but it just wouldn’t take.

I haven’t slept since the last time I fell asleep and I’m beginning to get woozy. I’d like to sleep, I’d like it very much, but who can sleep at a time like this? My entire moral structure is falling apart, crumbling like some cruel joke.

You can tell I’m getting desperate because I actually left the house today in search of something…anything that could just take it away from me, all of this crap.

I tried to stay away from as many ponies as I could and I mostly succeeded, but you know me and you know how much life likes to fuck me.

To make this crisis worse, I ran into Pinkie again. What she was doing out near the Everfree is beyond me, though I wouldn’t put it past her to have been waiting on me out there.

She seemed really concerned about something, not that I even slowed for her to really express it. Being herself, that damned nuisance kept pace with me and spoke her mind regardless. I obviously gave it my best attempt to drive her away. That was when she got mad. I’m actually a little impressed with the kind of language she used. Apparently there’s a little filly who has been absolutely dying to see me and that everypony had been trying to get in touch with me regarding the little traitor. That’s when I impressed her with some of my words.

I’m done with that filly, in every way you can be done.

Pinkie only made things worse by not taking the hint. She just had to keep on prodding and poking for a response she liked. It finally got to a point where I said, verbatim, “Fuck off.”

That, for better or worse, seemed to do the trick. Her mane deflated and I managed to leave her in my dust. From the distance I thought I heard what sounded like the lesbian, but at least was smart enough not to come after me.

I could spend the rest of the daynight just going on and on and on about the Pinktard, but something else of greater significance happened.

About twenty minutes after I had put a good mile between me and that retard, I ran into YET ANOTHER pony out where I was fully expecting to be left alone. Only this pony was one I don’t recall ever having spoken to.

She -ugh- was just standing out in the field I was walking across and I immediately recognized her as the pink maned pegasus who had lost her Element of Harmony and provided me a vast disappointment. As I went on to learn, her name is Fluttershy and that she might just be the one mare -ugh- I can actually tolerate speaking with. Her voice was almost nonexistent in volume and I could tell that she had little to no confidence. To be frank, she’s quite shy.

What was weird was that she initiated the conversation and immediately told me that she was there to talk to me about -you guessed it- the traitor. I promptly told her to go away and…well…she kind of did go away. That was what struck me as the oddest thing. All she said was that I didn’t have to say anything if I didn’t want to. That’s it. How can you just let something like that go? I mean, how many mares just up and start talking only to never stop again? She literally took the hint.

So I called after her as she started leaving.

We talked for about three or four hours, mostly about stuff. I told her about what happened with Octavia, the lesbian -who she told me was actually quite unaware of what gender she preferred and was thus not a lesbian-,the Derptard, the Pinktard, and a lot about myself. It felt really nice to just fucking talk to somepony who fucking talked back and didn’t have some kind of fucking opinion about every little fucking thing.

Right there at the end she got me to start talking about plans Pinkie-Breaker, Muffin Destroyerer, and Getting’ Busy, the last of which she avoided like it was the plague. Strangely, she didn’t want to dwell on why I wanted to kill Derpy and break Pinkie. All she really had to say about that was that we all have opinions and feelings of vastly varying degrees of intensity and that I should probably take a look at why I would want to do either of those things when I had other options. That’s it. That’s fucking it. That’s all she said.

I’m getting slightly lightheaded just writing about it.

That’s when I started talking about the traitor. I’m ashamed to say that part hurt far more than I was ever ready to experience. I even got Fluffershy to start tearing up at one point. However, despite those tears, she said nothing other than what I already knew thanks to the Pinktard.

At the end of it all, I started talking about what happened at the damn party. About how I had called Rarity ‘mommy’ and about how I had ‘confessed’ -more like I messed up on saying I hate her- that I ‘love’ the Derptard. She asked me why I might say those things. And I honestly had not a single answer.

The end of the encounter came when she suggested that I was changing, becoming somepony knew after having grown and learned from all of my experiences and losses.

It took me less than five minutes to get home.

Unfortunately, it took far less time than that for me to start dwelling on what she said. What if what she said is true? What if…I’m not me anymore?

In deep violation of a thought -one that I had for a long time lived my life by- I had a long time ago, impressive reasons to deny my own beliefs have begun to fill the caverns of my mind with no celebration for the ponies that I don't -or care to- know that ever offered even a word of help, advice, or anything useful. All of those impressive reasons are beginning to seem connected even though there's nothing tying them together.

I’ve tried to circumvent these thoughts, but there's more than I can see and there's an even deeper part of me willing these ideas -alien to everything I have ever held dear- onward to a horrifying conclusion.

Booky, won't you be my inspiration? Help me end my desperation, once and for all, now.

Tell me what it is I'm meant to do. I can no longer tell for myself what my path leads to. I've fallen to the ground, shed away my tears and lost my destiny. I sit beneath the sun -undoubtedly being watched by the bitch who claims to drag it across the sky each and every day- with my hooves held to the sky and I dare not ask a question but still I wonder why it is I am so weighted with such pain.

Some ponies might even look at me, see my plight and say something along the lines of ‘poetic justice’ being served. The funny part is that ‘poetic justice’ never seems to make the world feel right and all it does is make those chaotic voices in the darkness call my name even louder.

The funniest part is that I can’t help but to turn away from that broken mirror of mine whenever I remind myself of the days that it all made sense. All this pain, confusion, and heart pounding terror towards this change I reject was so much clearer for those few days. I’d hate -and I mean REALLY hate- to bring it up, but that was the last time I remember ever being comfortable just being…me.

Something is wrong…very wrong…and the scary part is that I’m not sure I want to do anything about it or not…

Author's Note:

Please forgive me for this update taking so long. Life's waters are getting rougher and rougher to navigate whilst having enough time to focus on my writing. This story is always on my mind and I will be finishing it. Whether or not that means something good is up to how amazing my writing abilities are.

Comments

[Seether00]

Character growth? NOooooooooo!

[Wearin Hat]

2654340

Ha, this absolutely made my day. To be perfectly honest, that was exactly how I pictured him reacting.

2655114

Wow, that genuinely touched me to read your comments. I absolutely love to hear that people are enjoying my work and finding something to really like about it. That kind of thing just really makes it all worth it for me. Thank you.

[Ogatasensei123]

I'm a huge fan of this story, and was actually recommended it by a friend a long time ago. And I have to say, it has not lost even an ounce of it's original charm. From the constant wondering what's around the next corner, to the unique writing style, which i assumed would immediately lose it's originality, but still manages to constantly entrap me into the next part of the story. And finally, the constant internal battle, to decide whether Ipsa likes or hates derpy. Mister Wearin hat, it is my honor to be able to award YOU the UNDERAPRECIATEDAUTHOROFTHEYEARAWARD®©™. Seriously though, I want you to understand that your story is great, and it needs to be continued and finished.

[Wearin Hat]

2729426

Well, that's certainly very sweet of you to say. I'm very glad you are enjoying it so. And while I wouldn't say I'm under appreciated, as I've more than enough wonderful readers to satiate my soon-to-be massive ego, I would definitely say that I am beyond flattered by any comment I get about this story. As you can probably guess, I'm quite the fan of what I've made and I enjoy simply every thought I have about that demented protagonist I've created.

Do not worry, though, as this story is semi-far from done. It never leaves my mind and while my schedule is far from forgiving, I will complete it and that is a solemn promise.