A Very Happy and Sunny Life

by Wearin Hat

NOON

I’m going to murder Celestia. Slowly, so very slowly. I mean, who the tartarus invented noon?! What kind of sick joke is it?! It’s like being raped by the sun through the eye! Ugh, I don’t even want to write in you right now. It’s absurd. The only reason I’m fucking bothering is because whoever is knocking on my door won’t leave me the fuck alone!

Seriously! They’ve been at this crap for an hour! It isn’t even a polite knocking that I could treat as monotonous and use to get back to sleep. No, it’s like listening to a tiny monkey having their head smashed against my door by a rhino. It sounds exactly like that.

Don’t you look at me that way; do not even start with me right now. I will in no way indulge this future corpse. Want to know why? Well, my face has swelled up to the size of a pumpkin. Yeah, it turns out being beaten up by guards and being kissed by a rock isn't good for your complexion.

To pass the time away until the death of my tormentor, I’ve been reading some mail I’ve been neglecting since I found it discarded in the streets and mailboxes. Some of this crap is pretty funny. Here, I’ll read them and write my commentary in you.

Why would they think their relatives care about their dying grandmother? She had her chance. Oh wait, there it is, begging for money. Yep, how very typical of a mare. Ugh, even their names are stupid. Who the tartarus names their fillies Raspberry Lollipop and Berry Punch? Does she specialize in candy? What the fuck? Hey! Isn’t Berry Punch the town drunk? Well, isn’t that swell? I’d love to party with her. If that meant I could get drunk at least. I’m out of cider.

What the fuck is a minuette? It sounds like an uncomfortable bowel procedure. Oh! It’s a name! Minuette! I still don’t know who the fuck it is though. Wait, yes I do, it says here that she had to correct somepony on calling her Collygate. Her nickname is Colgate. She’s like, the town dentist or some crap. Speaking of her dumbness, why the fuck is her cutie mark an hourglass? How does that relate to teeth? Like, does she always know when it’s time to brush? I hate her.

Hey! This one belongs to Rarity! What the fuck does risqué mean? Is it a type of dildo? I mean, I doubt it, but you never know with these sick fucks. Oh hey, this one is apparently to her father. Aw crap, that is one tartarus of a name. Magnum. Oh yes, I like that. “Hello father-in-law, how’re you? Are you still the coolest damn thing to ever exist?” And he would be. He would be. I bet he’s a huge badass with the most glorious mustache you’ve ever seen. He’d be all, “I’m proud of you Ipsa, you fucked my daughter better than I could’ve imagined. I’m proud to call you my son.” And I’d say, “Oh thank you! It means so much coming from you!” And then we share an alcoholic beverage. The end.

You know how riding a rollercoaster is like going up and down a lot? Well, that’s what this is. First Rarity and now the dipshit. Oh wow, she started her letter by apologizing, how typical of such a retarded menace. This shall serve as a wonderful reminder to never let her touch my piano…you know, when I find one in the street. Ha, it looks like the little mongoloid got her heart broken by something! Poor bastard, being the object of this retard’s obsession must suck. I mean….wait…..wait, what the fuck?! THIS IS ABOUT ME! Fucking retard, I can’t even believe this crap. At least she’s whining about how she knows the truth. It isn’t going to happen! Ever! I’d rather burn my own house down than be associated with that genetic anomaly. And now she’s….defending me? What? According to this, somepony named Carrot Top has been talking crap about me. I don’t even know who that is. Want to know something else I don’t know? I don’t know why this dipshit is defending me. Oh well, at least she knows the truth about me. I’m not ugly -something the intended receiver of this letter has apparently been saying-, I’m quite handsome. Ugh, I will never say this again, but I agree with Derpy. However, I will not allow this. Unlike a certain retard who had the chance to actually defend me and earn some brownie points, I’m going to find out who this Carrot Top is and DESTROY HER!

This one’s pretty….REALLY?! IS THAT UNBELIEVABLE ANNOYANCE STILL AT THE DOOR?! You know what? I’m not just gonna sit here. If my silence doesn't clue them in on my desire to be alone -and asleep for that matter-, then maybe THIS FLOWER POT WILL!

……

Booky, why’d you let me do that? I liked that flower pot. I mean, I don’t put anything in it or anything, but I still liked it. And now I’ve got to go clean up that mess…which I’ll do when I wake up in the mevening. At least it drove my tormentor away.

I’ll see you in the mevening…

Comments

[SadisticPomegranate]

I'm trying really hard to like this guy but he's too much of a dick!

[Ogatasensei123]

HE NEEDS TO GET WITH DORPY!!!!!!!!!!
(CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL)

[Wearin Hat]

1719215

Why thank you. I'll give you that twenty dollars I owe you later.

1720433

He never said it was a good idea. It was just an idea.

Yeah, you try telling him that. See how far you get before Ipsa shuts you up.
One could say he has a burning hatred for her.
Hopes are hopes. Dreams are dreams. This is a story. Stuff will happen.
Like I said, he wasn't looking for good candidates.

1727496

That's kind of the point.

1731193

Nah man, that could mean anything. Don't be so negative!

1731583

He's emotionally distraught because he read the whole of them both. He's also got issues that predate those though.