A Very Happy and Sunny Life

by Wearin Hat

The Problem

Booky, we have a problem.

As I know you’re aware, I’ve been sitting here agonizing over what the Derptard said earlier. I can’t sleep. I mean, I’ve tried my hardest but I just can’t get that feeling out of my head. Never before have I ever had to deal with this kind of guilt. And it’s tearing me apart.

Look at me, Booky. I’m pathetic. Sitting here covered in chemical burns, hateful, bitter, sad, lonely, unpleasant, and tragically at a loss for what to do, it’s enough to make me cry just at the thought. In fact, I’m so horrendously bad that by virtue of my very existence I am endangering the future happiness of the one pony who matters to me.

That’s not something anypony should ever have to endure. My every breath is like a toxin that could turn V belly up at the slightest whiff.

Beyond the fact that this isn’t fair (It isn’t my fucking fault that harmony skipped me over.), making this wholly unbearable is that I know she’s already started down a path that’ll only lead her to where I am right now. She’s the one who came up with the idea to remove Diamond Tiara’s cutie mark, not me. It won’t be long before she starts plotting even more petty acts of vengeance and other kinds of attacks to get back at life for being unfair.

There has to be something I can do to fix this. Something WE can do to fix this. Only I have no fucking clue what that something could be.

I’ve gone over this a thousand times and more since Derpy left. What needs to happen to stop her decent into…well, becoming me?

Huh? What do you mean me? Wait, are you saying that I need to find out why I am the way I am? Booky! That’s brilliant! Now shut up, it’s thinking time!

I guess it all started when I was just a colt. Back then Mom was still around, I still went to school, and I still had friends. Dad wasn’t ever really around during that time. I mean, he hung out with me sometimes, but that was usually when Mom was there too. He was always kind of distant despite how close he tried to be. I didn’t really want to be very close with him, though. Crap, I didn’t want to be friends with any guys at the time. My two best friends were Blossom and that whore. The colt I was friendliest with was a unicorn I don’t remember the name of and even then I was closer to one of my Mom’s friend’s daughters (Roseluck, I believe, which I should really check to see if she’s of any relation to Rose the Spy.).

It doesn’t take a scholar to know where my troubles truly began.

Mom was gone. Just like that. I’ll never forget the day after it happened.

Think about sitting at a window and watching the sun go across the sky, knowing that some all-powerful goddess is simply poking it along. Imagine watching it so long that things around you slow as the sky speeds up. As you watch, a crushing sense of pain washes over you like an icy bath, drowning you in the most powerful emotions you can think of. Outside that window is an entire world of ponies who are happy and smiling. The sun moves across the sky at the behest of a goddess who didn’t even blink when your mother couldn’t anymore. You watch as you begin to understand the true silence of solitude. Picture a warm tear going down your face as you begin to scream.

That’s where I believe this all started. And thankfully I don’t think V has to worry about going through something like that. So she can at least avoid the pitfall I encountered. Luckily she’s also managed to skip over the next bit of trauma I had to endure when I was taken out of school. In fact, she experienced the exact opposite (Thanks to me, of course.).

I’ve never been big on friendships or anything like that, but that still hurt to lose what little of it I had. Both Blossom and the whore tried to come and see me as often as they could, though that slowed as time went on.

Huh, as I look at this more and more I’m failing to see the issues, Booky. I mean, yeah, we already have a confirmed instance of V acting like me, but I can’t seem to figure out what she should be avoiding in order to not finish that transformation. I mean, if not trauma then what could possibly cause the push down the slippery slope I’m flying down?

Hm? You think association? Booky, the fuck do you think that has to do with anything? What? Influence? You know, you’re onto something there!

So I- what? Shut the fuck up, Booky, I’m talking!

Now, where was I?

If V is being negatively influenced by somepony then we have to figure out who so we can buck them the fuck out of her life. Let’s start by forming a list (Oh how I love lists.) of those with any influence on her: her Mom, her Dad, Sweetie Belle, Scootapoo, Apple Bloom, Dinky (You know, the Derptard’s bastard child?), Blossom, the Nerd, Rarity, Octavia, and (As I include her on every list in which I discuss the effects of trauma and grief.) the Derptard.

Not much of a list, but it’ll have to do. Well, you know what this means. ABP!

As I’ve said before, Starlight Glimmer is nothing if not neurotic. I mean, really, I’ve never seen a pony do a trapeze act on their own freaking nerves. Also, as I’ve noted, she is absolutely all about her daughter. Every few seconds she tried to see if there was anything V needed or if there was something Starlight could do for her. So I can easily declare her as a worrier. Not much a decision maker, either. Always insistent on getting somepony else’s opinion on what should be done. For instance, V wrote a note saying she was thirsty, which lead to Starlight trying to figure out if she needed apple juice or orange juice more. Shut her up cold when I simply gave V my grape juice (Not like a hospital would let me have any alcohol.), which, of course, V happily drank.

Other than potentially passing on a penchant for damn near having a heart attack over the smallest of things, I don’t see a lot of bad influence here. V definitely doesn’t need her mother’s indecision, though. The ability to makes choices is a very often overlooked one, after all. That being said (Or, well, written, I guess.), I think she’d be wise to take notes on how much her mother cares about her.

Oh how I wish the same could be said for V’s father. As previously noted, Hidden Glade is a stallion that (As with most examples of the male parent.) I strongly do not care for. I mean, how does one claim emotion yet stand there and watch one’s wife trot along the fine line between a heart attack and an aneurysm? However, this has nothing to do with that foal machine; this is about V. In regards to that, Booky, I must say something that may surprise you; I don’t think Hidden Glade is a threat in this sense.

That actually hurt to write.

I mean, yeah, he’s basically painted onto the wall and stuff, but it isn’t like he’s ignoring V. Whenever she wrote a note to communicate with him he’d pay attention to it. He didn’t start any conversations or interact with her or anything like that, but I could tell that V was squarely in his sights. I know what it’s like to have a father neglect the very existence of his foal and that is not what Hidden Glade was doing. He’s more a silent guardian than a bad influence. That, however, does not exclude this jerk from my hate.

Those were the two I’ve been most worried about. I mean, come on, I’m the way I am because of what happened with my parents. I’m pretty sure that’s a standard for every pony in the world, though. Still, the thought that somepony other than V’s parents could be responsible for any potential corruption of my sweet filly is frightening indeed.

Ah, the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Is there any other threesome as gullible and stupid as they? I highly doubt it. And no, I do not count either myself or V in their little club when considering the general lack of intelligence displayed by these idiotic foals. Making matters worse is that each one of them is entirely capable of potentially being a possible bad influence.

The obvious starting point is the most notable of the three; Sweetie Belle. Now, as you know, I have a storied past with this bitch. She’s sickeningly sweet and she knows it, using this trait to manipulate others into doing what she wants (Despicable, really. I mean, who the fuck manipulates ponies like that?). This is a filly who is capable of deception and unbelievable rudeness. I mean, not only does she not reveal who she is to me in a time when I REALLY could’ve used that information, but she doesn’t even wear the tiara I so graciously gave to her.

There is a problem, however, with the thought that she could mastermind V’s corruption; Sweetie Belle is entirely incapable of such a task. Not only is this filly as earnest as they come, but she lacks what I would call subtly. On top of this she is entirely lacking in confidence, relying heavily on the support of the other two. It is doubtful that this idiot would be able to bring harm to V’s innocence without, at the very least, the moral support offered by Scootapoo and Apple Bloom.

Well, if Rarity’s tumor of a sister isn’t a likely suspect, then I suppose the next threat offered by this group would come from the handicapped orphan who brings thoughts of feathers and flightless birds to mind.

I’m not sure if I’ve said anything like this about her before, so I’ll say it now; Scootapoo is probably the most pathetic pony in existence. I mean, she practically wets herself at the mere mention of the Lesbian (Which spells out a rather obvious detail that I will now ignore in favor of avoiding the subject.) and despite such excited squealing for a pony known for her flight prowess she seems entirely incapable of actual flight herself. On top of that I’m fairly certain that she’s an orphan or something. And, as though that were not enough, I believe that rock I kissed possessed more brain power than this retard. It is thus that I conclude that this rejection of a filly could certainly bring darkness into the pure heart of my beloved V.

The first issue I find myself noticing in that thought is that Scootapoo is simply too fucking stupid. I mean, when I say she’s dumb, I’m talking Derptard levels of idiocy. So, as with Sweetie Belle, I think she might just be too damn stupid to pull it off. Now that I mention it, this idiot’s hard-on (Metaphorically speaking, I hope.) for the Lesbian is another reason this pegasus with wings probably isn’t such a bad influence. I mean, she’s so obsessed with that prismatic (I tell you, that dictionary was one hullabaloo of a find.) foal machine that I doubt she so much as ever thinks of anything else.

That leaves the implausible ringleader for this band of retards. While as dull as her siblings, I cannot deny that Apple Bloom possesses a straight-forward gaze that belies her age and IQ. I mean, I’m a rather experienced liar (Have been ever since my stint in the army.) and she almost saw through one of my lies. If anything, this perceptiveness could be very given to being a damn near magnet for darkness. I mean, you’ve never known true despicable disgust until you’ve seen the worst of yourself in broad daylight. And don’t think for a second I’m gonna rule out her gigantic family. This filly could very well be connected to the inner workings of my whole situation. That would provide her with all the information her sister has, which could very well come from the Nerd directly (Fucking conspiracy.)

I suppose the first issue I have with any of that is that the Apple family actually seems somewhat decent, you know? I mean, I get it, one sister is highly delusional, the other wants to be just like her, the brother brings out the gay in ponies, and their grandmother defies the physics of aging (I’m fairly certain she’s at least a thousand years old.), but that does little to mask what they’ve done for me in the past. Food has been provided, they’ve fixed Carty, and I was even saved from certain death by one of them. So I doubt the family has much to do with any possible influence on V. Apple Bloom herself seems too oblivious to the idea of negativity to even give the idea of being a bad influence a second glance.

And just like that I’ve ruled out the only other ponies I would obviously have assumed to be behind my dear V’s potential fall into darkness.

Alright, I don’t think I’ve ever actually met Dinky, personally. I mean, I recall a possible introduction, but there wasn’t much to it. If anything, I don’t think there’s anything to the Derptard’s bastard child that I can’t say about the reject herself. I suppose the fact that her mother is who she is could possibly send Dinky over the edge and into bad behaviors threatening to V’s purity.

Hm, this one’s hard, Booky. The only reason I included this filly in the list was that she is one of the few who’ve had prolonged contact with V that could pass along a corrupting influence. However, one of the very few things I know about her is that I personally saw her comforting V when she was crying. If anything, that says the exact opposite of what I’m freaking out about.

Wow I’m bad at this.

This one is also a hard one, if you get my meaning. I truly don’t think that Blossom is a bad influence for my precious filly, but I have to look at this stuff objectively (Which, as you know, I always do.). She is on this list for the obvious reason that she has spent a large amount of time around V, which means she’s been of some effect on V.

I’m gonna go ahead and deter the obvious thought; Blossom is not some seductive beauty capable of bending the whim of any wary eye, even those of the very foals in her classroom. For the most part she is like every other pony in Ponyville and as such has nothing extra special that could count as the go to for any potential harming of V’s innocence. The only reason I find interest in her is that, well, she has a simply enchantingly plump rump. Not too massive so as to be mistaken for the cow who owns Sugarcube Corner and not too much muscle to be mistaken for yet another member of the Apple clan.

Focus! I need to focus! This is for V!

I highly doubt that Blossom is a negative influence, especially given how much she obviously cares for each and every one of those foals in her class. If anything, she’s probably one of the better ponies those idiots could strive to become.

The Nerd is one who really pisses me off. She clearly tries her very best to be the best she can be but can so easily be so horrid that I’ve had to literally eat cracker to cracker in the past. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure she tries to understand ponies and work with them for the best benefit for both parties, but this foal machine is incapable of seeing things from the point of view of others. I mean, come on, haggling with me for the price of my goods is absolutely wrong. The money I get from her is all I get. I do have my monthly pay from Mayor Foal Machine, but that’s hardly enough to feed me.

Then again, Booky, it isn’t like I go easy on that bitch. I demand a lot sometimes. So it isn’t like she does it maliciously. And, my monetary issue aside, the Nerd really is one of the better ponies in town. I can’t speak for anypony else, but I know she’s been there at practically every corner my life has twisted around. In fact, if it weren’t for the Nerd then I’m not sure I’d have V. That only means that she can’t be too bad. So, ignoring those nightly orgies she has in the library, the Nerd actually isn’t all that bad.

What can I say about Rarity? She’s a bit uppity, absorbed into her work, and prideful. You can’t walk anywhere near her wearing anything that she would deem ugly without her basically vomiting. Something V really shouldn’t pick up on. Though I can admire a dedicated work ethic, I’ve seen what this foal machine defines as work. She treats it like a freaking addiction. Going right along with her inability to stand ugliness is how much better she thinks she is than everypony else. I’ve seen her trot around, doing everything in her power to keep her ‘perfect’ coat as clean as possible.

So even Rarity, one of only two foal machines I can stand (To an extent.), is not flawless. Then again, maybe I’m not being too fair here. When she sees something that disgusts her, she pretty much begs to be allowed to fix it. That’s a selflessness that’s hard to hate (Not that I don’t try.). And while it’s easy to judge how she works from the outside, it isn’t like I’m some kind of example to follow in that area. You’ve seen me work, Booky. It isn’t exactly pretty. As for the pride thing, well, there isn’t much I can say in defense of it. Though there isn’t much wrong with having a little pride in oneself.

I don’t like how hard this is becoming, Booky.

There isn’t much I can say about Octavia that I can’t say about Rarity. They’re both pretty snobbish and they both carry themselves like they’re royalty. Unlike Rarity, Octavia happens to bisexual, so I guess that counts as something to be wary of. She also knowingly allowed her roommate (Vinyl Scratch, a pony who apparently doesn’t like me very much.) to spy on our dates. I first ‘met’ her when I heard her moaning in a dark alley, which I take to mean that she’s into that sort of anonymous thing.

I’m not sure any of that matters, though. My focus here isn’t on what parts of her irk me or anything like that. The whole point of me still being awake is to keep my sweet V safe from bad influence. She cannot be allowed to wind up like me. To be frank, I don’t see very much here that could send her down a dark path just by association. I mean, I suppose Octavia could turn her into a nasty lesbian or something, but I highly doubt it. She does surround herself with questionable friends, however, though I’m not sure if that’s relevant.

I’ve just about gone through the entire list, almost the whole damn thing. How is it possible that under the closest of scrutiny that these horrid foal machines aren’t at the very least a minor threat to V? Pretty much everypony I’ve mentioned has contributed to furthering the downward spiral that is my life, so how is it that they aren’t threatening the same to a much more innocent pony? Well, if none of the above are bad influences, then I might as well turn to the one pony who has proven to be a mainstay in my torment.

Derpy Hooves is a pursuant of unobtainable goals, completely aware of the current working against her in this stream she swims up. I’ve lost count of the many times I’ve told this reject that I want nothing to do with her in any capacity only to encounter her the very next day. She is the example of a failed attempt at motherhood as she not only chose to procreate but she freely admits that she has little time for her retarded spawn. Her opinion is almost as warped as her messed up eyes are. Despite what I do, what I say, or how emphatically I make my mark on this town, the Derptard continues to defend me despite receiving the worst I have to offer. Notable is that regardless of how much she is aware of or knows, she shows absolute ignorance of the ability not to bring harm to a pony she repeatedly claims to not wanting to hurt. On top of it all she’s a murderer, completely missing the severity of her crime in her apologies.

There, I think I’ve found the problem and I admit that I’m not surprised in the least. Now all I have to do is figure out a way to remove the Derptard’s influence from V to such an extent that she’ll never send my precious filly down the tragic road I call life.

I think it’s pretty funny that despite everything that stupid idiot has done to redeem herself she still winds up screwing things up. I mean, she’s been there at pretty much every twist and turn. Baking muffins for V and me, leaving a blanket for V, coming to see me in the hospital, and bringing you back to the house being among the many things she’s tried. In fact, I owe her entirely for getting to see V earlier and spending time with her. Not to mention that time I broke down crying and she helped me back to the house. I know she also defends me when her friends are talking crap about me. She thanked me for the hard work I do when I clean. Um…uh oh.

Booky, please forgive me for saying this, but I don’t think the Derptard is a bad influence. I mean, despite all of her many failings, she’s still trying to do something right. How many ponies come to my defense when I do something wrong? How many bother to even acknowledge what it is I do? She even made sure V was safe with me at the start. Derpy literally saved my life at one point, mine and Carty’s. When I lost you on my way to Canterlot, she even took the time to put you back in my house safely.

So…if she isn’t the bad influence, then who is?

I’m not joking around here, Booky. This is something I need to figure out and fix. I love V. She’s the only one who’s been there for me that actually wanted to be there. I’m going to be here for her. I swear that I won’t let happen to her what happened to me. I’m not sure I could live with myself if she turned as vicious, sour, bitter, and…oh.

It’s me, isn’t it? I’m the…I’m a bad influence for V. By being around me she’s becoming more like me.

Ouch.

Well, how do I fix that? I’ve tried changing before, remember? It didn’t work very well. In fact, if I’m remembering correctly, didn’t I outright reject it? So, if I can’t alter myself so I’m not a negative example for her to follow…what am I supposed to do? I guess I could try and make sure she doesn’t follow in my hoofsteps, but hasn’t she already been affected by it?

So if I can’t stop the influence and I can’t make it so that who I am doesn’t affect who she is...all that’s left is to remove the source of the negativity; me.

Ouch.

That can’t be right. The only way to save V from becoming like me is to ignore her? Won’t that just make things worse? I know what it’s like to try and get the attention of a stallion who doesn’t want to give it to you. Only one thing in my life has ever hurt more than that. I won’t do that to her. I’m better than him. I can’t just kill myself, though. That’d be worse.

I’ll leave. That’s all I can do. I can’t stay here and not pay her any mind. Not only would that hurt both of us, but I’d crack after one day of it. It’s one thing to go my whole life without a friend, it’s another to ignore the only one I have. So I can’t stay.

How do I explain that? That who I am is a toxic poison for her? I’m not sure she’d understand that and the last thing I want to do is hurt her. I can’t lie to her, though. Not only would she not believe anything I could come up with, but she deserves better than that. So if I can’t explain the truth behind why I’m leaving and I can’t lie…do I say nothing? Won’t that hurt her too?

Hm, seems the only way not to hurt her is to hurt her. At least she won’t be tainted by my presence anymore, so there’s that. Once I’m gone her mother and father can fill in, her friends can too. She has everything I didn’t have when I was left alone. She’ll be fine.

Understand that the last thing I want to do is ruin her. If doing this removes the bad influence on her then I don’t have a choice.

It’ll hurt, though. Just thinking about doing it hurts. I’ve finally found something worth caring for and the only way to protect her is to leave her.

Where will I go? Well, I guess I could always go through the Whitetail Woods and just leave. It leads right away from all of this. Not to mention how beautiful it is over there. Mom always did love the woods.

I can’t draw this out. If I do then I’m liable to change my mind or something will stop me by force. I can’t allow that. I’ll have enough time to escape this place, drop by the house and grab the bare minimum of what I can, take Carty and…no, I’ll leave Carty. He can stay with V. That way she at least has a guardian I trust looking after her. I’ll just leave a note saying that he belongs to her now. That means I won’t be able to take as much, though. I’ll have to leave my button collection, my blanket, and pretty much everything.

Resolve. I have to do this. It’s for her. I don’t care if it hurts. Do you understand how much pain I’ve gone through? This won’t be something I can’t handle. Plus, even without Carty I’ll have room to bring the picture of me and Mom that Blossom gave me. I’ll also grab Dad’s last letter and the picture of the Derptard so I never forget why I’m who I am.

Ugh, the Derptard. It sickens me that she’ll be getting away with everything she’s done. By leaving I’d be abandoning my crusade to ruin her.

Damn it, I can’t do that. Shirley deserves to be avenged. There’s not much I can do on my way out, though. I only have time to make the stop by my house and grab the few things I can before leaving in the cover of dark. In fact, I won’t be able to carry much more than my saddlebags, some food, you, a pillow, my lantern, and those few personal affects. I don’t have much room for…wait, I have an idea.

Hehe, I guess that fate’s smiling on me for once. Fitting, I guess, since I’m giving up the one thing I want more than anything else that I should receive the vengeance I’ve been dreaming of. The plan: I’ll get kicked out of here (Shouldn’t be too hard, I’m pretty good at that.), go by the house, grab supplies and personal affects, say goodbye to my button collection, say goodbye to Carty and leave the note declaring him as V’s cart, stop by Derpy’s house, light my lantern, knock it over, and then leave as fast I can. If I’m fast enough then I’ll be able to see the smoke from her burning house from Whitetail.

I suppose I should say something about just desserts, but we’re talking about fire here.

Alright, Booky, let’s do this. For V.

Comments

[Jack Kellar]

Good God, Ipsa. Having an unpleasant upbringing doesn't excuse you from being this dim.

[Seether00]

This sounds like the best plan since the painter remover one. Do it.

[Mad Maudlin]

5251948

The brain damage, however, might.

[terrycloth]

Well, it'll probably get Dinky killed, which should be sufficient revenge for Shirley.

[Quaver Ava]

You're a brilliant little fuck aren't you. Go ahead, let's see how far that takes you. I'll be over here, eating my figurative popcorn.

[xoid]

This can, in absolutely no way, go wrong.