A Very Happy and Sunny Life

by Wearin Hat

Hearth's Warming Eve

It’s cold. So. Very. Cold. So cold that it makes me think about going inside. So cold that I’m having trouble keeping my quill steady. So cold that my ink looks like it’s starting to freeze. So cold that I’ve run out of things to compare the cold to.

Yes, I’m quite aware I’m outside, Booky. I am the one who brought you out here, remember? So, regardless of what you have to say about the matter, we’ll be sitting here until I give further notice.

Making things worse it that not only am I cold, but this damn sweater itches. I don’t know why I kept this stupid thing. It doesn’t even fit that well. I have to say, though, that it is a snazzy little thing. The orange stripe is slightly disconcerting given that it’s a horizontal stripe and thus makes me look fat, but it goes nicely with my fur.

At least it’s getting late enough that ponies aren’t outside anymore. Honestly, I was getting tired of having to share the damn road with them. They aren’t sitting here being nice like I am; all they were doing was going home to spend time with their families. You know pointless crap like that. I’m doing something important.

The worst part so far has been having to deal with the menace of four different foal machines who should know by now to mind their own damn business. And no, they didn’t all come at the same time. That would’ve gotten the torture over with in short order. Nope, they had to take turns, which is evidence of the conspiracy if there ever was any.

Of all ponies you’d think that the Nerd would’ve learned by this point that I’m not a pony who enjoys company. I mean, I’ve been dealing with that egghead since she showed up in town and got in good with Mayor Foal Machine (Likely through means most sexual.). So she should know better than to just approach me when I’m sitting in the street wearing a sweater and holding a book.

Since things are never the way they should be (Mom dying, Dad being an invisible dick, my house burning down, Shirley dying, and all of my life’s misfortunes being prime cases of such.) Twilight decided to invade my personal space. She started out with some stupid crap about how cold it was (Cause, you know, I hadn’t fucking thought of that.) and about how it was bad for me to leave a present sitting in the snow. I told her to shut up and leave me alone.

I know what you’re thinking and no, that didn’t get her to leave. If anything it only steeled her resolve. Funny how the foal machines of this stupid town not only do the exact opposite of what it is you want them to do, but they actively pursue that goal.

Even though I call her a nerd I’m almost convinced that Twilight’s just as stupid as the rest of her brain-dead gender. Sitting there and harping on and on about how strange I was acting and about how it was making ponies worry. Since when the fuck have I ever given so much as a single solitary crap (For that matter, when have I had a single solitary crap to give?) as to what other ponies think or feel? Never, that’s when. I told her as much, which was a mistake.

Booky, have you ever had to sit there and endure the ramblings of a bitch who is so convinced of her own intelligence that she actively ignores how obviously retarded she is? So yeah- wait, you have? When the fuck have you ever done that? Oh, right, you were right there when she was yapping her trap. Huh, I hadn’t thought of that.

I suppose that puts us on the same page then.

As you know, the Nerd eventually caught on to the fact that I was blatantly not paying attention. Unfortunately, as you also know, she didn’t leave until a full (Painful.) minute after that realization.

I mean, come on, it’s my business and mine alone if I want to sit in front of a building in nine inches of snow wearing a sweater while enjoying the company of a book and a gift. If I choose to do such things then such things are my choice!

Which brings me to the Derptard. If sitting in the street (As previously referenced in the above paragraph and as actively portrayed by how we’re still out here.) is my choice, then the mistake of sitting in the street is my own to have made. And made it I did…um, make it I did.

At least that menace waited an hour or two after the Nerd had stormed away to approach me. That gave me time to find inner peace and tranquility that she could destroy in the timely manner she’s patented. Only time will tell if I ever have such balance for her to ruin in the future.

Unlike the librarian, the Derptard kept our interaction short. She approached me as she usually does and tripped over me as she usually does before apologizing as she usually does. That led into her wishing me a happy Hearth’s Warming Eve.

Yes, Booky, happy Hearth’s Warming Eve to you too.

I’m pleasantly surprised she didn’t seem to question my situation much. After her pointless attempt at pleasantries she gave me, you, the gift, and hospital a look over before doing some kind of small smile and walking off. She didn’t even look back at me when she said goodbye.

That might actually go down in history as the one time I’ve enjoyed my time with her. I say might because she did still trip over me to start with.

Unfortunately, the same could not be said of Pinkie’s sudden (Fucking Annoysense doesn’t work worth a crap when you need it to.) appearance five minutes later.

You and I were just sitting there, being innocent, cold, and a book, and, without so much as the crunch of the nine inches of snow around us, the Pinktard was made manifest out of my darkest nightmares. She even had the audacity to smile. You didn’t see that part. For that much I am grateful.

What’s with her? Couldn’t she see we were enjoying the frigid winter by ourselves?

Ugh, I hate her. Almost as much as the snow. Stupid nine inches of snow. Wait, make it ten. That last snowflake makes it ten inches. Stupid ten inches of snow.

Making matters worse was…um…that she said…uh…I forget. YES! Finally, something worth something! I forgot what that bitch had to say! YES! YES! YES! That’s wonderful! So very great! It’d be even better if I could forget whatever she has to say next time she appears.

Whew, we got lucky with that one. I seriously cannot stand that annoying little foal machine.

Anypay, while the Nerdtard, the Derptard, and the Pinktard were all incredibly annoying, Blossom’s little visit was almost worth it. Almost.

Much like the Pinktard I didn’t see her approach, but she did have the decency to at least say something before scaring the crap out of me. Blossom even had the courtesy to be at least somewhat sincere in the way she wished me a happy Hearth’s Warming Eve.

The rest of the encounter is just boring nonsense, Booky, stuff you don’t care about. She asked me why I was just sitting around, she asked me who the gift was for, and then she went her own way after wishing me a happy Holy Day.

Oh yeah, that.

My grandmother, Sanctus Amor, passed away on Hearth’s Warming Day when Mom was young. Ever since then Mom disregarded the holiday of Hearth’s Warming Day in favor of something of her own creation; Sanctus Die, which roughly translates to Holy Day. You see, Mom was incredibly fond of her mother and she dealt with her untimely death by dedicating a day towards the remembrance of loved ones who’ve passed on. Since Blossom and I used to be (Ahem.) friends she knows that I also observe Holy Day.

On that note, I’d like to spend a few seconds remembering Mom, Grandma (Whom I regretfully never got to meet.), and Shirley. May they find the peace in death that I cannot find in life.

Now, with that out of the way, I’d like to do a different kind of remembering; of Blossom’s flanks.

Booky, I could live between those luscious lumps. I’d just crawl in there and make a little net to call home. There I could live peacefully, observing those mounds on a daily basis.

I’ll end that bit of remembrance on that note so that I don’t end up exposing myself in public. Again.

Look at it, Booky. The empty streets of Ponyville. It almost makes me wanna smile. Nopony there to annoy me, nopony there to get in my way, nopony there to be there. I’d call it art if I didn’t think art was a worthless pastime. And…uh, is that a pony?

DAMN IT!

Can I enjoy one nightday, please? That’s all I want! The only thing I want! To enjoy one nightday and not regret leaving my damn house! Oh, even better, it’s a foal machine. Great! Why not? I hate foal machines, so why not just have one suddenly start coming down the street?! And look, it’s…Octavia?

Booky, I’m gonna need a second.

You know, I’d enjoy a life where crap like that doesn’t happen. It’d be nice.

Octavia (The publically announced lesbian.) just came up to me and gave me a hug before kissing my cheek, wishing me a happy Hearth’s Warming Eve, and apologizing about…well, I don’t know what she apologized for. I stopped hearing things after the kiss.

That was…weird? It kinda felt nice, though. Huh.

OH! Booky, look! It’s V! She’s looking out her window! Do you think she sees me? Uh, uh, YEAH! SHE SEES ME!

Say hi! Booky, say hi to V before I junk you!

YES! That makes all this waiting around worth it! Think she can hear me? I better say it louder. Hm, I’m having trouble getting out the ‘w’ in happy Hearth’s Warming Eve. Here, let me use both of my hooves real quick. THAT DID IT! YEAH!

Oh, Booky, it does me good to spend this holiday with her. And you, I guess. Look at the smile on her face! That makes it all worth it! Now, how the fuck do I get this present up there?

That would be your cue for ideas, Booky. Or not, jerk.

Oh hey, it’s Nurse Redfart. You know, I don’t think she likes me very much…but…I don’t have any other options.

SHE TOOK IT! YES! YES! YES! That nurse is taking that present to V for me! YES!

Huh? What, the gift? I got her a diary, like you. I figure it’s something that’ll make that hospital seem less dreary.

Aw, look at that smile. This really is a happy Hearth’s Warming Eve, Booky.

Thank you for spending it with me, buddy. We've still got another eight hours until the evenoring rolls around, though, so don’t drift off yet.

Author's Note:

Greetings true believers, it is I, the Wearer of Hats!

Huh, six days before Valentine's Day and I put out my Christmas chapter. I'm getting pretty good at this timing thing.

Hats of to ya!

Comments

[MidnightFMare]

you make reading the rants of others enjoyable, and the net thanks you for your contribution. may the cold not freeze your face and snow part in your path.

[Seether00]

I too wish to live on those flanks. And yay! More V!

[derpyhooves15]

I love this guy.