A Very Happy and Sunny Life

by Wearin Hat

Entry 21 - Never Turn Your Back on a Mare

So yeah, I’m sure you’ve got a few questions and I’ve got a few things I’d like to talk about. However, that can wait. I’d like to talk about Canterlot for right now.

I’m going to go ahead and tell you that I was pretty pissed that you ditched me before I got on the train. What the tartarus was that all about? Am I not good enough for you? Would you rather some bastard mare write in you than me? What the fuck? Tell me, tell me right the fuck now why I shouldn’t burn your Celestia damned pages!

…I’m sorry about that…I’m a little out of it at the moment…you’ll have to bear with me for this entry…

The train ride was as boring as tartarus. For the first hour I humored the lesbian in conversation about the Wonderbolts. She knows her stuff…like…obsessively knows it. As in, she knows what Spitfire eats for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Although, I did manage to trick the lesbian (Not the greatest achievement, I know.) as she couldn’t name what Spitfire ate for brunch.

Overall, she actually managed to entertain me until we both sorta passed out. If it wasn’t for the two little surprises waiting for me back home then I’d even be willing to say that I was actually starting to trust her slightly. Heh, but we all know that you can’t turn you back around a mare. They’ll rip your damn heart out the very second you think it’s ok to divert your attention. I’m not fucking joking. You let your guard down around a mare and you’ll regret it for the rest of your miserable life!

…Alright…I’m sorry about that…again…

I must say that Canterlot was pretty awesome. I’ve never left Ponyville before and to see something as HUGE (Heh, I said huge.) as Canterlot was straight up balls. The lesbian even gave me her version of a tour, which started at the train station and ended up at the castle.

What? You didn’t know? Oh yeah, you weren’t there.

I wonder whose fault that was?

Apparently, the lesbian asked Celestia for permission to use some rooms in the castle. Yeah, she’s apparently pretty damn connected. Also, let me state for the record that the royal booty is more voluptuous than I could have ever imagined. As a side note, Celestia does not like me. That much is very clear to me.

Actually, that much has always been pretty clear to me. What else would be her reason for my constant torment? I guess she could say that my suffering has been somewhat funny as I must admit that there have been a few times where the crying just turned into laughing, but she must not be aware of just how thin the joke has stretched.

Like it even matters. Damn mares. Even the immortal ones who rule over the entire land are complete jerks. Yeah, you can see where I am going with this. The lesbian got to stay up in some super special room that used to belong to Twilight or some crap while I got to stay in the classy servant quarters.

If it wasn’t for the lesbian actually keeping me entertained, then I’m pretty sure I would’ve done something I’d regret.

Like, I don’t know, opening my heart up to a filly just to have her trample it to pieces the VERY FUCKING SECOND I started to care!

…Yep…sorry again…

At least the Wonderbolts were pretty awesome. According to the lesbian, Soarin’s victory was totally unexpected. I wouldn’t know. I’m not an expert. She apparently is. What was really unexpected was when Spitfire and Soarin came up to say hi to the lesbian.

Yeah no, I got the tartarus out of there. I’m all for watching them do stuff, but there’s no way I was going to expand my patience by actually meeting them.

The rest of the visit was pretty damn lame. I barely hung out with the lesbian as I passed out in my suite once we got back to the castle.

Probably the most exciting part of the trip was when I decided to take a stroll during the daynight. I felt pretty useless not doing anything. Plus, it totally paid off as I got to watch some pegasus mare bath for a few minutes. Yeah, she was pretty hot. I’ve never seen a pony as big as her before…wait…no…Celestia was a little bit taller than she was, but they could be about the same height. Weird, they must grow them big up in Canterlot.

AND I MEAN BIG!

I can safely say that my relationship with the lesbian is secured. The ride back definitely taught me that as she couldn’t stop telling me how awesome it was that she got to talk to her idols. I can’t really recall what it was she said exactly as I didn’t pay attention to ANY of it. However, I never turned my eyes away from her. You can NEVER turn your damn back on a mare. The VERY second you do, they absolutely destroy every hope and dream you’ve ever had.

Now to the issues at hoof.

Let’s start with the obvious; when do I kill Derpy?

I feel so damn violated. How DARE she write in MY diary? Oh, and by the way; YOU’RE A FUCKING DIARY! NOT A DAMN JOURNAL! Why would she even think you’re a journal? YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE A JOURNAL! Must be her retarded eyes or her retarded brain or something else retarded about that retarded retard.

Look at that, I’m not even making sense anymore!

I AM SO DAMN EMOTIONAL!

Should I be angry? Mortified? Enraged? Depressed? Encased in a glass box of rage?

…I don’t even know…I don’t think I’ll kill her…there’s no way I’d get away with it…I’ll think of something when I go to work in five hours…

Now…I know what you’re thinking…Ipsa…what about V…no…Shimmer Shade?

Well, what about that bitch?

She’s a damn traitor, that’s what she is.

So she wanted to hang out with Rarity instead of me? Was I not fucking good enough? No, that’s not it. She just wanted me to go away so she could sneak away like the coward rat bitch that she is. Just like that absolute cunt that ran off with Daddy Dearest.

They wait until you least expect it. When you’re at a place where you think you have it figured out, BOOM, you get fucked. And not in the fun way.

As for me visiting V…no…Shimmer Shade.

…

Never. I’ll never visit that traitor.

Comments

[EveningShadows]

Two updates in a night? So generous.

Poor Ipsa!

[Malesur Darkhoof]

Hm, weird. Didn't he read the whole thing that Derpy and V wrote? That Derpy loves him, and V wanted to stay with him? Or is he just so emotionally distraught over it that he didn't read the whole thing?

[Savant Sentral]

Oh god. This chapter.

[Blatant Chaos]

You know, I think he has a genuine problem with females ever since his mom died. Like, therapy level problems.

I to everypony saying, WE KNEW THAT YOU DERPTARD!, I'm quite slow with these things, I like to express my opinions and....FUCK YOU!