Hate
This may suck... sorry... I really need to write a full fic for these two before attempting bad OneShots...
Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It belongs to The Hub, Hasbro, Studio B, and Lauren Faust. I do not own any of these characters in any way or how, nor do I claim ownership to the pony franchise. These characters are simply my toys.
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"Why the hell do I love you?”
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Pillow Talk
Time seemed to stand still for Big Macintosh at the moment. The only indicators that time indeed kept moving were the quickly fading final rays of the twilight sky outside the window, and the few beads of sweat on his red coat slowly slipping down his forehead. He blinked several times as the stallion stared straight up at the ceiling above his head, wondering how two hours had passed so quickly, it was all a bit of a blur. In fact, most of what just happened was a blur, a faded memory.
Something shifted in his arms, something large, something alive. Big Macintosh found himself tightening his muscles in an attempt not to hold the thing in his arms any tighter, no matter how much he wanted to. He kept his muscles stiff, no matter how much he knew this simple matter was hurting the thing in his arms, more so mentally than physically.
The thing in his arms shifted again, this time something brown brushed against the bottom of his chin, the wavy mane of the pony in his arms tickled, but he didn’t dare make a noise or movement to relive the feeling. The stiffness in his arms remained as a piece of the red stallion’s own heart felt like it was slowly being clawed away by foul, horrendous claws.
Big Macintosh knew that the other wanted him to relax, and hold him normally. He thought it would be nice to hold the other pony, make him feel better, even if it hurt him in return. But it only hurt the pony beyond reason because of how he held him. It wasn’t fair to the pony in his arms, it wasn’t fair that he wanted so little and the red stallion couldn’t even give it to him because he knew it was wrong, the previous two hours and the countless hours before that. He had grown to hate the pony in his arms, hate him more than anything in the world.
The red stallion dared to move him arms up a tad higher, if only to be more comfortable. The body wasn’t thin, or delicate. It was rough, solid with muscle, and strong. Big Macintosh hated this fact, because he knew what he had just done was wrong, he knew what he had been doing for years was wrong… but he couldn’t stop.
A sound escaped the throat of the other, as if he were preparing to speak. Big Macintosh squeezed his eyes shut, begging the other would stay silent. He just wanted to fall asleep, let all of his guilt and pain go and fall asleep. He couldn’t handle a conversation, not like this, not with the pony he hated.
“Big M-Mac… I-I…” The rough voice began. It was shaky, nervous and scared. Big Macintosh hated that voice, for it made him want nothing more than to shut out the rest of the world just to get away from the feeling it gave him when those words hit his ears.
Hoovesteps suddenly hit the red stallion’s ears. Big Macintosh grabbed the blanket under them in record time and used it to cover his entire body up to his head, a hoof slammed over the mouth of the pony in his upper legs. He squeezed his eyes as the sound of a doorknob turning sounded like the roar of a thousand lions.
“Big Mac… ya asleep already?” Applejack, his sister asked. “And where did Caramel go, is he still in the house?”
“T-Tryin’ ta.” Big Macintosh said. “An’ he left… must have slipped past ya.” He told the lie for what seemed like the millionth time as he stared out the window at Luna’s moon, ignoring the body squirming in his upper legs.
“Oh…” Applejack mumbled, her voice almost seeming disappointed. “Well… g’night.” She called.
Big Macintosh didn’t respond, and only waited for his sister to shut the door behind her before finally taking his hoof off of Caramel’s mouth, hearing his gasp for air and cough as if he were choking. He heard a few sniffles in there as well as he squirmed out of Big Macintosh’s arms, giving the red stallion some form of relief. “Can ya quiet down?” He asked.
“Sorry…” The tan pony almost whimpered.
Big Macintosh felt a strike of guilt hit him in the heart. The memories of the previous hours weren’t a blur; in fact they were clearer than anything. The time Big Macintosh spent with his muzzle pressed against Caramel’s, their tongues wrestling each other’s, stood out the most. The lie he told himself he didn’t remember what happened was just some stupid trick to fool his mind to feel better. It wasn’t working. He remembered Caramel crying out in pain underneath him, and he remembered he himself didn’t give a single soothing word or touch, in fact he was rougher the more the other was in pain.
Maybe it was because he hated Caramel he refused to be gentle…
“Ah think my sister might be sweet on ya.” Big Macintosh mumbled, turning away. He felt angry with himself for saying those words, but he wasn’t ready to regret them just yet. “She talks about ya’ nonstop whenever yer not ‘round.”
“I don’t care…” Caramel mumbled. “I don’t… It’s not like she isn’t nice… but I care more about…”
“Will you just shut up?” Big Macintosh spat out, sitting up and glaring at Caramel with narrowed eyes. “Just shut the buck up, why in Equestria do you keep coming here?” He yelled this time. He watched the stallion wince and cover his head with his upper legs and tremble in fear.
Big Macintosh paused. He realized his hoof was above his head ready to strike the tan stallion in a moment’s notice. He slowly lowered his hoof and looked at it, then glanced back to the trembling stallion. He saw each bruise Caramel’s body bore, he heard him whimper in pain.
Guilt struck Big Macintosh once more as he slammed his body against the bed, facing the door, away from Caramel. He hated that stallion so much, he hated the way he acted, looked, and even talked. He couldn’t remember when their friendship ended and the hate began, it was so long ago. So many hours of guilt and painful passion were there, it was hard to tell where they all began at.
He hurt Caramel… he hurt him so badly at times that he could hardly walk. He just became so filled with rage at the fact that everything he was doing was wrong. It was wrong, and he knew it. He had been taught for his entire life that he was to find a mare and grow old with her, have a few foals and die, even if it meant being unhappy…
Why did he have to meet Caramel? Why did he have to become best friends with him and spend all his time with him as a colt? Why did he have to kiss his best friend? Why did he have to hate his best friend?
Big Macintosh lay stone faced as he bit his lip and began to gnaw. He didn’t mean to hurt the other… he didn’t mean to hate him so much. But it was wrong, the way he felt when kissing the other was wrong, the way he felt sweating over his best friend was wrong.
Everything seemed wrong… the only time it didn’t was when he let himself become lost in their intense sessions, and forgot that they were both stallions and were doing something immoral. He let himself forget that Granny Smith would forever hate him and no longer call him her grandson if she found out just how horrible he had been these past few years.
He heard Caramel sniffle, and then felt the bed shift as he curled up alone. They were less than a few inches apart… why were they so far from each other?
“Ya… ya really need to find yerself a mare…” Big Macintosh mumbled “Then we can end all of this.” Those words hurt him, for he knew it would never end. Even if he never saw Caramel again, the guilt would follow him. “Applejack is great… why don’t you talk ta her the way ya talk ta me?” He asked, more to himself than to Caramel.
“Because I don’t… want a mare…” Caramel whimpered out. “Ah don’t feel happy with one, before you I just jumped around from one to another week after week!”
“Don’t say “Before me”” Big Macintosh growled. He didn’t want to know Caramel was happy with him, even as things were.
“But I... I really do feel that way… about yo-” Caramel stopped to sniffle.
Big Macintosh growled and sat up, without thinking he sat up and threw his hoof into onto the spot right next to Caramel. “Why don’t ya shut up? Don’t feel that way about me!” He hissed.
The fear in Caramel’s eyes was like daggers, stabbing Big Macintosh again and again as he felt his body tremble. “Stop it!” He shouted, slamming his hoof into Caramel’s chest, hearing him gasp out in pain. The red stallion slammed his hoof down on Caramel’s chest once more. “Ah hate ya so much…” He whispered “Ah hate ya more than anything…”
Caramel shouldn’t love somepony like him. Maybe if he kept hurting him… he would finally stop coming by, and he would find somepony worth loving him, somepony who would say he loved Caramel every day. Big Macintosh never said anything like that to Caramel, not even when he needed it most, not during their sessions, much less in public.
He heard sniffling after the third time his hoof slammed into the other’s chest. Gentle crying was muffled through hooves as Big Macintosh felt his own eyes water.
He hated everything about the tan pony he kept hurting… why wouldn’t he leave? Why wouldn’t he just leave and never come back? It was too late to fix everything he had done; no patch work would ever fix it…
“I hate you…” Big Macintosh whimpered out before slamming his body on the bed, letting his tears run as he made no sound. He was a jerk, abusive, and never told Caramel he loved him… why was the tan pony still here? He sounded like he was trying to tell himself more than the crying stallion.
The obvious answer would have to be that Caramel really did love him enough to look past everything… all of the pain and suffering…
Big Macintosh tried to block out the muffled crying. He hated just how much he loved the tan stallion… he hated how wrong it was to love him. He could never hold him without guilt, he could never give the tan stallion the tender loving care he deserved after so many years of pain. It would be better if Caramel found somepony else.
Maybe he hated himself more than anything…
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You don't need to put a disclaimer at the top of your story. No one else does, after all. If you're going to have an author's note, then put it in the description, not the actual story. You ruin your mood that way. Your formatting is also off. Some paragraphs are indented while others aren't. Both methods are correct, but you can't switch half-way through.
As for the story... I like the idea, but Mac's violent reactions and tendencies seem off. Your actual writing is quite crisp, yet I honestly don't think that Mac would be the type to unleash his frustrations in any form of violence. He'd withdraw into himself, certainly, but the entire point of his character is that he's a gentle giant. I can certainly see him having an internal conflict, but you need to seriously flesh out the prose if you want to try and justify an abusive relationship.
It doesn't suck, though. You've got the potential for something really awesome if you keep working at it.
Somepony sounds like he's on his period.
One thing that I'm sick of seeing is people saying "this story might suck." If you think it sucks, then why in Satan's glorious name did you post it?
I'm glad you did, though, because I liked it.
I disagree with Ginger on Big Mac's aggression, firstly because of artistic license to modify a character however you want, but most importantly because we don't see Big Mac very often. How are we to know that, in private, Big Mac doesn't take out his anger through violence? The whole premise of this story is that the relationship is a secret, so the idea that he projects a facade of gentleness while hiding his aggressive tendencies is not implausible.
A good read!
942462
Touche, Mister Pascal! I suppose it all really does boil down to interpretation, especially when it comes to technicolor ponies, especially ponies whose entire characters are based around one word.
942462 because every author should post things out, regardless of his opinion on them. Half of my most succesful stories people loved while I still hate them.
942400 trust me, I am much better at full length fanfiction, Oneshots to me are horrid to write, andy bog mac in this was ooc even for me. I jist wanted a caramac fic, and crapped this out without much editing or thought. As for indentation... My word document is very strange and doesnt indent when I copy and paste half the lines.
I have mcj better executed fanfiction, trust me. I really didnt like this, but posted anyway in a failed attempt to give a message that should have been spread over several chapters.
Seems legit.
Big Mac is not that aggressive
943988 Have you not been paying attention?
Oh, and that would be called "Opinion"
944417 and There's this nice big space under all your stories and blogs to put them in!!
You sir, are GENIUS!!!
944985 I am so damn tired, that everything I have said today sounds like I'm a bitch.
945752 Yeah exactly.
This is what or somewhat close to some lovers who prefers same gender go through, worrying what society would think of them. Even worse what would their closest friends or family do after they find out that they aren't straight as arrow.
Stormsoul, besides tightening up your wording or simply using stronger verbs/word choice/etc., I think what you need to work on most is being less blatant. You shouldn't always elaborate so much on everything so as to be redundant. You should leave just enough to the reader's imagination, just enough to allow the words the stew in their mind and allow them to understand the situation through getting a feel for things. Basically, as it's usually called, "show don't tell". Show what characters are feeling through their actions, don't always tell the reader exactly what's on everyone's mind through your words. This seems to be a common occurrence throughout the writing of yours that I've read and I feel that it seriously detracts from it. Being overly blatant has an effect of making writing seem less professional and more amateur, kinda cheesy, childish, even, especially when the writing concerns romance or any strong emotions. Hope this helps! I'd love to see you grow as a writer. :)
948781 I hate this fanfiction. I only posted it since people have been wanting me to make a Caramac forever...
I believe that I can explain this subject through several chapters, just not a OneShot... however I have a SoarBurn fic at the moment that needs my attention, and I don't want to start another story now... so... YOU GET CRAPPY ONESHOT!
952414 No, I wasn't just talking about this one shot, I was talking about your writing as a whole. I've read your other fics and that just seemed to be a common issue throughout them all. It's just that this was your newest post so I thought it was most appropriate to say this here.
942462 As someone who has written more than one fic starring Big Mac, you have no idea how much I wish there were more people who thought like you. A character like Mac can't be interesting of a writer were to portray him exactly as he is in the show. That makes him ridiculously one dimensional.
But alas, prereaders always seem to tell me that mac is talking to much or being too outgoing...
To that end, the fic I'm writing right now (which is sort of Fluttermac but not at all focused the shipping) contains no dialogue whatsoever. When I say that, I mean it. 3k words right now, no quotation marks.
1306132
You're talking about EQD?
I see no point in them. As far as I'm aware, they judge fics based on their own personal preferences. There's nothing wrong with that, of course. They have the right to have their own site and feature their personal picks, but too many people make the mistake of thinking that they have some kind of qualification to make them any kind of objective judge of what is or isn't good writing (if such a thing is even possible). They don't. They are no better than you or I. I've never submitted anything to them, and I never will.
If you're writing that fic for them, then I'd say you shouldn't bother (if you're writing it for you, then full steam ahead, obviously).
1306553 No no, not those guys. I'm just speaking of random folks from around the site who I ask to look at my work before I make it live.
Yeah, I'm pretty much done with EqD, they run a good site, but it's not for "ordinary" authors. Too much discrimination based on story type and such.
1307451 I hate that site so dog damn much...
And I agree, although I don't agree with the way I portrayed Big Mac in this story, I am attempting to flesh out his imaginary character in a work-in-progress fanfiction.
1307650 Well let's not get too hostile. They just aren't very author-friendly...
1307785 That's what I'm saying, they really don't seem to publish what people would like to read and more what they liked. And for some reason it's the most popular pony site around that EVERYBODY seems to hate.
1307801 Somepony really ought to start a rival site :D
Y there no Chapter 2?static.fjcdn.com/comments/Y+_77ae226ccbf8387498f4538f325ef3d3.jpg
1570690 Because it's a OneShot.
If you want more CaraMac go read Crossroads.
Yay, self promotion...
1572444
Yeah! self promotion ftw X3
Ow, this fic actually made me sad.
Don't get me wrong, that's what made it good, but damn...poor Mel =(
I know it's a Oneshot but damn I hope it works out in the end...somehow.
Christ...
I've been looking for a one shot like this forever.
Well Done. Favorited
2050198 I still can't believe people like this story...
I wrote it during a time where I had to write something and accept it would be awful.
2050399
Well, believe it buddy
I still have to get around to reading the rest of your stuff! I'm about 2 chapters into Winding Roads.
I don't know if I already mentioned in a previous comment on one of your stories, but it is very difficult to find well-written, enjoyable M/M fictions, such as this one. You, sir, have a talent for writing.
Consider me a fan
*Caramel at the time*
*reads Big Mac Confrontation*
"NOOOO WHY THEY KILL ME!!!!"
*cries*
*reads Pillow Talk*
"NOOOO WHY THEY ABUSE ME!!!!"
"WAIT, WHY THEY RAPE ME!!!!"
*cries*
I'm guessing something about some writers just don't like me that much.
i no like this story
why big mac so mean in this one?
2971902 Because I hadn't nailed down character yet?
Also it's old... and I think I didn't like it when I first posted it.
2971902 ikr wow abusive much
6068597 Oh god please read Melting Snow I don't like this story anymore at all he's really a big sweet cutie pie who loves Caramel with all his big heart and wants to cuddle and kiss him endlessly.
2050583 oh I did I read all your caramacs just going through your old stuff sometimes I hate myself I read so fast that as soon as I find something good it's already over