I'm Kieran, I love mlp and that is all you need to know :D
Caramel confesses his feelings towards his long time crush, but things do not go as planned. They are driven apart by the small secret that Caramel had held, and all seems lost, his faith in his ex-"long time best friend" completely shattered. Can he ever hope to see his crush again?
My first fanfic so please try to be fair :) Any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated! WARNING: This contains M/M shipping so stay clear if you do not like this sort of thing.
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Ouch...
sadpanda.us/images/919389-BF5FOOZ.jpg
Hey, I remember you from commenting on my on fanfics, especially Black Coffee In Caramel's Bed.
Other than the lack of humans in this story (compared to my m/m stories), I can see that you're going for the same kind of sweet and romantic feel. And I love this paring! Love it so much!
As far as criticism goes, I'll try and post about it in more detail tomorrow.
Thought i'd have a go at writing my own
I do have the swing chapter drafted. um just waiting to see if there is anything I should change. 
Second* I'm writing on my phone :L
D:
Why...
Why you end it like that?
Anyway, my emotions aside, it was quite well written! A bit short, but apart from that, I don't have any criticism.
Kudos!
463221
Thanks!
I wanted to keep it short just to get a feel for it. The next chapter is longer don't worry
Constructive criticism time!
All in all I think the story is very interesting, but there are a few things getting in the way of my enjoying it thoroughly. You are using too many words. I suggest you try to make your descriptions more concise and leave something to the imagination. Pick your words carefully - this doesn't mean using longer fancier ones, just accurate ones - and you won't have to use so many.
You also describe what is going on in ponies' heads a lot, which while it might sound like the best way to get your point across, just makes the whole thing too transparent to be really interesting. It seems like the reader is leaping from the inside of one pony's head to another's every paragraph, during a conversation. Try to imagine how it would be if you were observing it, and write that. Something like this:
“Ah’m yer sister! I catch onto these things.” She smiled, assuring him that she still cared for him, no matter what. The smile quickly turned to a snirk. The same smirk she could use to turn any stallion into a blubbering fool if she felt like it! “Ah also happened to notice that yer spend a heck of a lotta time with that nice stallion over at Sweet App-“
Could be changed to something like this:
“Ah’m yer sister! I catch onto these things.” She smiled reassuringly, but it quickly turned into a playful smirk. “Ah also happened to notice that yer spend a heck of a lotta time with that nice stallion over at Sweet App-“
You do not need to explain everything, even if you have everything worked out in your head. It's hard to forgo an opportunity for character development, especially for characters you've worked so hard to create and flesh out, but if it's not directly relevant to what's happening in the story it will only get in the way of the storytelling. Remember, show, don't tell, and if you can say it in a sentence, don't write a paragraph.
Coming from someone who has only moderate experience writing and enormous experience reading, this might need to be taken with a grain of salt. You seem to have put a lot of thought into your characterizations, and I can't wait to see what will happen next in this story. Keep it up!
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Any constructive criticism is welcome
I actually get told that I write too much when doing things like this :| Believe me...this is with it cut down. 
I'll keep that in mind for chapter 3 seeing as number 2 is already done (Which you'll probably find is a lot like this one 
)
Anyhoo! Thanks for the advice. I'll definitely keep it in mind.
I was wondering around this website in the search for my Jill Sandwich, than i found this story. At first I wasn't going to read it for obvious reasons but than i was like suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/16613114/images/1318531102952.jpg and i love it
This is getting good, *braces for next chapter*
Guard: sir you've starring at this and refleshing it 5 times a minute for over a week
Kane: Must see next chapter
Guard: C-mon sir time to go to bed
Kane: But I don't wanna
Guard: I said bed mister
Kane: awwwww
In other words please don't keep me waiting
546700
I'll be updating soon though so don't worry :D
Amazing, especially for a first fic
BIG MAC HOW DARE YOU HARM A LITTLE CUPCAKE LIKE CARAMEL I SWEAR TO CELESTIA I WILL SLAUGHTER YOU AND DEVOUR YOUR SOUL FOR THESE CRIMES
...I wish Fimfiction had dates for when chapters were written, because I honestly need to see how this goes. Anticipation override.
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Glad you like it! And don't be too harsh on Big Mac. He was brought up that way 
Thanks
575428
Will be writing chapter 4 sometime in the week (trying to fit it round exams is difficult 
)
To be honest I should have updated weeks ago buuuut I've been slacking
I'm not sure who to feel sorry for more. I mean, of course I pity Caramel, who wouldn't? But I also pity Big Mac. I feel that, in a different fic, he might be the main character, dealing with his own internal prejudice and feelings he's not comfortable with. He's obviously gay. He obviously has past experiences that demonstrate rather conclusively that he's gay for Caramel. How must it feel to be forced into confronting an integral part of yourself that you hate that much? Ah, the best stories always muddle the roles of villain and victim.
As much as I love guyXguy shipping and wish there was more on this site, I really don't like the 'The Apples Are Homophobes Because All Southerners/Country Folk Are Ignorant Hicks' stereotype that seems to exist in many of the more dramatic gay stories. (Okay, Applejack is tolerant in this one but the stereotype still stands). This story is nice but Big Mac is acting really, really out of character at the moment.
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>granny was homophobic
>Parents were homophobic
>Mac is closeted and scared
>Caramel is gay
>Caramel's sister is supportive of him
>AJ is supportive of Caramel
>Apple Bloom isn't even mentioned
out of 8 southerners, only the 3 who are gone and written as unreasonable in their opinion were homophobic. Mac acts that way because he was scared into it by them, even though he's gay himself, not because he's southern
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updates?
Finally! I finally summoned the willpower to get up off my lazy butt and write this chapter!
I should be getting back into the swing of things pretty soon so the updates will be a lot more frequent (emphasis on 'a lot'
)
Really sorry for the incredibly long wait to everypony and another apology for the length of the chapter but I really felt like it should be ended there. I was beginning to write more to it but it felt more appropriate to end it where I did.
Hope you enjoy it guys
Leather couch!
But seriously love the story!
Glad to finally see it update!
More more more!
would it be terribly rude of me to ask if I could edit these for you?
there're just some minor mistakes as I was reading that bothered me (Bug Mac at the end, using ";" instead of " ' " in some places accidentally) that I know a good prereader would fix
727527
No problem!
To be honest I expected I would make a few mistakes here and there, this being my first fanfic after all. Just tell me how and I'll see what I can do 
727583
do you have a skype?
If you do, you can add me (theMusicalCake) and tell me when a new chapter's done and I could look it over for you.
if you don't have a skype, you can always message me on here, and we'll figure out a ways of editing it that way
727693 Well I'm workimg on the next chapter already (seeing as I took such a long vacation after the previous update, I figured I should do a few updates pretty quickly) so I'll message you once it's done. My laptop is being awkward and seems to reject the notion of me having ever had a skype account
And now I wait...
I absolutely adore CaraMac, and I this is turning out pretty sweet. But still... Mac... running out when a serious storm is brewing?
Not the smartest of ideas, oh well, that's love! 
I can't wait to see what catast- I mean event comes next!
Finally! It has arrived! I have found a temporary replacement for my laptop so I have finally been able to write this chapter. I understand it has been a long (long, long, long, long) wait and I apologize
However, It is here! I'm not entirely sure if this chapter went well or not. The one or two "dark" themes that cropped up may have been rather delicate and i'm unsure whether or not I handled them well. As always, your criticism is greatly appreciated 
Thank you for your patience everypony!
Dat...cliffhanger!
You marvelously evil magnificent man~ That Cliffhanger is just QAQ
Now I cant wait for what has to come QAQ
This is one of those stories that i hope never ends.
But will be really sad when it does.
Why do you make me feel
CARAMEL
Please be a dream, please be a dream.
damn it! make a alternative ending please!
CARAMEL
NOOOOOOOOooooo.......!
Really good story, very well executed... although the ending is really sad... it made me cry....
yay they both got married how long was i reading this
1170748 Thank you, that means a lot
I plan to eventually make more stories with happy endings instead so that should make up for this 
Noooooo
you evil evil person!!! This story was going soo good and then this happens!! 
Still love it though, and for some reason I think this is a better way to end it too. 
Thank you for writing this wonderful story, even though it broke my heart. 
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I got a mention!
As much as I hate sadfics, you ended this really well Groany!
I'm really looking forward to more stuff from you- hopefully more shipfics
Hmm... *almost unnoticeable twitch*
This was a good fiction, sir. *twitch*
The ending was noticeably depressing though.
But still I think that - oh screw it, you are AN EVIL PONY. WHY! This was going so well... I had so many hopes for those two...
What I'm trying to say is this: It's a great fic; I almost cried. There aren't many good CaraMac fics out there, let alone ones that are actually finished, but this is one of them. I could only wish that it turned out better for poor Caramel...
I guess his fanon has gone into people's subconscious; that he always gets the brunt of accidents, and that accidents happen ALL around him.
WHy QAQ
CARAMEL
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY QAQ
*drowns in his tears*
no no no no No NO No NOOO!!! why would you do that?!
awww the feels, this hurts
I need to watch happy ponies
*After watching winter wrap up*
NOOO!! they're everywhere
Someone please explaine me why I did read this again?
...
I really have serious problems
That. Is not what I expected. But I bet Mac is actually really shy and won't allow himself to talk about it
Damn. Just. Damn. Ill admit I. Straight. But a friend told me to read this. I'm glad I did. Thank you
Great story so far just in the third paragraph I would change if he wanted to hat him into he wanted to hate him