I am an aspiring writer, romance enthusiast, and a horrible over emotional mess. If you're here I hope you like homosexual stallions. If you enjoy my work and want to support me I have a Ko-Fi!
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Caramel's life could be considered a simple one at best, but a boring one at first. He's never been one to easily make friends, that's for sure. He sticks to himself mostly and attempts to stay out of the way of the lives of ponies around him. It's easier that way. Simpler. Talking to ponies is a challenging enough task on its own merits, but romance? He's never dreamed of romance.
Of course, that all changed when Big Macintosh entered his life.
(Cover art by Snark!)
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Excellent chapter!
Btw,are you going to keep writing Entangled Pathways or will you focus more on this one?
I still want to see more chapter for Entangled Pathways even if this one will be an enjoyable read
Nice chapter and a great way to continue writing. I wonder what will happen to our friends caramel and big mac in this story.
I laughed at that part and found it quite hilarious...i notice some grammar mistakes and if you want i can try to point them out.
Good as expected, with that taste you always put in your stories but as ThimmieTheBrony stated: I still want to see more Chapter for Entangled Pathways even if this one will be an enjoyable read
P.s. my english is not really good
Oooo new story eh....? Well.......I got nothing....
I have the most weirdest boner right now
Is that..Originality ? OH I DO SO ADORE. Yaoi ship fics are my most personally preferred style of fic. ( It's all I read ) And this looks exceptionally promising ~
On an conclusive note, I think you " set the stage " sensationally well. Felt an all to true sense of setting.
You've what it takes kid.
2042925 Entangled Pathways is kind of making my life a living hell... I'm sure I'll continue it, but when writing this I didn't feel like I was worthless like the last few EP chapters...
2044302 He has male genitalia.... It refers to him as a stallion constantly.
2043303 We all do.
It's becuase of this sexy motherfucker.
Do I smell a Buffy fan? Once more with feeling?
2044624 yeah... yeah...
I just watched that episode for the first time a few weeks ago. IT. WAS. AWESOME!
2044640
media.tumblr.com/6d03bf422aaf739d531c20a67b68ff7a/tumblr_inline_mhf3m1D8B41qz4rgp.png
I am so excite, the chemistry you've established between these two is already so appealing and adorable! Positively ecstatic the see more of this story!~
Ooohhhh! Me like!
2044711 Ah yes, the chemistry... I love writing character interactions between fated lovers in my stories...
Its really good
Really love this, so hard to find mature, serious M/M shipping in the pony fandom. Follow, Favorite, Like
2045203 I like to have my M/M be serious and also have very light and simple romance at times.
I got away from the demons long enough to read this. You expected a lengthy analysis, I'm going to give you one!
Setting is great. Everything is set up well and time flows very naturally from one action to the other, and then from one location to the other. I did think the rain was rather quick, but since the weather is completely run by the pegasi and is on a tight schedule I'll just chalk it up to that.
Characters are diverse. From the ask-caramel-questions blog I kind of expected Sage to be a bit of a jerk, or at least overly parent-y in a way that makes Caramel agitated, but I'm glad you didn't go that route. Sage does seem to very much be a father figure to Caramel, but obviously Mel doesn't think of it as that. I smell brilliant character development right off the bat!
Now for the problems I have with this chapter. For one, Caramel is just instantly attracted to Mac (understandably so. I mean, just look at him), even if it's not stated, it's obvious to us what he's feeling. It feels too quick. There wasn't much in the descriptions you gave of Big Mac nor in how Caramel saw Big Mac, or what it was that Mac said or what Caramel might have accidentally said or what have you, that made it feel right for Caramel to suddenly feel this flustered. What I might suggest for future editions of this chapter would be to kinda fluff up their interactions. Make it sappy, it's what we're here for. Maybe have Caramel notice a particular feature about Mac, like maybe the huge, well-built chest he smacked into in front of the hospital, that would make Caramel feel anxious and nervous like he obviously is while leaving Mac the first time. Or maybe the way Mac is massaging his fur dry gets Caramel really red in the face and yet stuck in a trance rather than snapping back to attention right away.
For two, there were some grammar mistakes, especially in the beginning, and some rather redundant sentences. One I can think of at the top of my head is that you said Big Mac spoke from his mouth and my first thought was "...As opposed to from his butt?" And there was some other time in the beginning where you pretty much stated the same thing twice in the same sentence.
For three, and this one's a tad nitpicky I'll admit, is your choice of descriptions at one or two parts. The part I can remember off the top of my head is when you described the rain as "slamming" onto the ground. That's a rather powerful description and not one I would use for something like rain unless it was a typhoon or something along those lines. Another I can remember is when Big Mac first appeared and his eyes were "seemingly" piercing. That implies two things: 1) Big Mac appears to be looking with either cold, judging, or analyzing eyes, or something like that that would involve him to appear to be glaring or cross. 2) That Caramel sees him as any of the above. Unless Mel's into that kind of thing he probably wouldn't find that rather attractive but instead extremely uncomfortable.
With a 5 as average, I give this chapter a 7/10. It was good and a very enjoyable read. The heart was there and I can tell you had fun writing it. That passion is back in your writing. However, your choice of description at times and your grammar errors do accumulate and take away what you had, which makes it hard to say that it was more than a very good read. Maybe let an editor look this stuff over for you next time and as you know my inbox is always open for some volunteer editing, especially if it's Caramac. I'm not just saying that so I can get an early peek at more Caramc. Nope. Totally not.
2045604 Yeeeeeaaaaah....
The instant attraction thing I admit was a bit of a flaw. Personally I would chalk most of it up to Caramel being overly shy and not really understanding what a crush is, considering he doesn't go out very often. He obviously wouldn't go on a date with Mac if he was suddenly asked out of the blue at this point, it's nothing more than a physical attraction to the warmth Big Mac gives off naturally. And thanks for the advice on the little things, I think I'll go and add those now. The grammar and odd writing is just me being stupid, I'll try to edit that.
And yes, the passion is back... I honestly considered continuing writing last night, but I realized it was well past midnight...
And oh yes, I'll make it sappy. I just want the first two chapters to get character bits out of the way. In fact I expect the next chapter to take place in Big Mac's perspective most of the time.
Hooray for Caramac! I love me some Caramac.
2045203 I have to throw this out there, I love your picture, it makes me laugh every time I look at it XD
2048279
I aim to please
....ehm like im not going to read this (yet) cuz im really tired of good M/M shipping being dark and sad...i just cant take it anymore
2048859 Well you pleased mestuffpoint.com/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic/image/75567-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-celestia-mother-of-god.png That sounded wrong
Caramac!!! :D
Splendid! Just Like Every SIngle Thing You Right, Unbelievable :)
:D yayz!!! Moar puhweeeeze?
Caramac! Yahoo
2061952 Workin' on it! :D.
I'm very happy with this opening chapter, so much so I had to tell you. As a new foal to the Brony herd (I only started a few weeks ago) this may sound naive but I truly believe this Big Mac over manly other iterations I've read. I can see this scene happening in the series easily, you certainly have a way with words, Bravo. You have inspired me to try my own hand at a fimfic, after I finish my current Wolverine saga over on fanfiction. I readily await more chapters and immediately shall delve into your other works. Read you soon. Fayt xx
I'm really curious about what's wrong with Caramel.
So.... is this "sexy" Caramel, or SEXY Caramel?
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121129074536/mlp/images/6/66/FANMADE_Caramel_throughout_all_the_seasons.jpg
wow pretty nice, I like the excuse of picking up Applebloom to stop Big Mac and caramel from their time together albeit it was short. Also caramel is funny when he was flustered.
Wow this is relly well done
I absolutely KNEW that Caramel was going to be extra cute in this scene. You don't disappoint, Storm!
the more I read this, the more I like it. I wonder if Caramel's illness has to do with whatever happened at his old job? Probably not, but I'm curious
Can't wait for the next chapter!
2081454 I almost did with horribly laggy text... after writing all day, it's the little things that get you pissy near the end... like word being awful and closing twenty times in a row...
OK for this fic i just broke my rule of not reading incomplete stories....i'm just wondering when the "Dark" tag is going to kick in but i really hope for a happy ending....pretty please!!??
2080976 male Caramel... the little one...
2081656 I'm hinting slowly at it. At the core this is a sappy romance tale, But the back stories of the characters that will eventually be explained I believe warrants a "Dark" tag.
2081670
yeah the hints are quite notorious..its just that there are a lot of good sappy romance fics that involves the two of them that are sad and someone usually dies or have a sad ending...and i guess one of them is going to die huh?
2081681 Why.... no. I love characters too much to kill them...
2080976 Oh my gosh
How come i did not see that before!
Uwah! So much cute!
2081900
oh...well i just hope for a happy ending (i sound like a one string guitar huh?
)
anyway good luck and good vibes...enjoy the Persona 4 Golden
2083347 did you know that Dr. whooves has wings in the ep. sonic rainboom?
2085697 Yeah I noticed that.
The wait is always worth it when it comes to your stories
Keep up the good work!
This is a side of caramel I have yet to see, I love this new way of seeing him. I eagerly await your next chapter, and I do hope your computer problems sort themselves out