I Lost The Key And My Spirit

by Ribe_FireRain

No One Speaks

''Scootaloo!'' Apple Bloom hollered as she threw her weight against the door of the clubhouse, trying to break it down. ''Come on!'' She shouted through the pouring rain.

Although pitch black on the inside, Apple Bloom's amber eyes peered through the darkness to make out a pair of orange hooves, both outstretched in front of the door. When she first saw them, there was a pit of dread in her heart for her friend's well-being.

With each and every blow the cream mare delivered to the old and cracked door of the clubhouse, she could feel it begin to break and give way. Fortunately, Scootaloo was light and posed as not much of an obstacle for the other mare.

Giving a final heave of her weight into the door, the lock holding and securing it in place cracked and broke free of the surrounding frame, causing the door to open inwardly, only to be stopped by the body of Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom didn't waste any time before she found herself inside of the clubhouse. She pushed her trim figure passed the now-broken door and by the side of Scootaloo, whom was half-curled into a ball and unconscious.

There was a negative energy surrounding the atmosphere, one that reeked of fear and sadness. It seemed to loom over the two mares in the room like a heavy musk.

The red-maned farm filly knelt down beside her orange-coated pegasus friend and her face immediately contorted into one of fear and worry as she checked her over for any signs of life. She moved a hoof to her neck, feeling for a pulse. Although her hooves were partially numbed by the freezing air that was conjured up by the storm, she never gave up hope of making sure Scootaloo at least had some form of life still within her.

No.

No.

Come on, she's got to have a pulse!

Thump-thump.

Oh, thank Celestia she's alive!

Apple Bloom breathed an internal sigh of relief as she found a thread of life within her friend. It was faint and slow, but she was still alive.

On the floor beside her, Apple Bloom directed her eyes over to a small wooden box containing an assortment of supplies. She raised her brow in curiosity and picked out a small white, circular lid that looked like it belonged to a medicinal bottle. It wasn't labelled or gave away any hints as to what type of medicine it might have sealed.

Placing it back down, Apple Bloom scanned around the room for a bottle, soon finding it beside Scootaloo, tipped over and some of the contents spilling out.

She reached out a hoof to grab the orange transparent bottle, turning it over to view the label. As soon as she got a glance of what it read, her heart froze and she dropped the bottle.

Oh, no, no, no! She thought to herself, turning to face the closed eyes of the pegasus. Scootaloo, what have you done?!

Tears began to sting her eyes as a realisation dawned upon her. She knew how troubled Scootaloo was and has become in previous months, but she never thought she'd do something so extreme! She remembered how she worried about her after her outburst at school, how she wanted to reach out and talk to her. She wanted to make sure one of her best friends was happy.

Her heart sank when she came to terms with that she had failed her. Sweetie Belle was in no better state of mind. When Scootaloo turned up missing for three days, she had only cried and isolated herself in her room at Carousel Boutique. Unlike the farm pony, Sweetie Belle has known Scootaloo for years longer. Everypony that knew them viewed them as sisters.

A thought hit Apple Bloom. Only a couple weeks ago, Miss Cheerilee taught a medical class. She told them about the gag reflex and that it can be used to bring up substances such as phlegm or the contents of the stomach. That's when the idea struck her brain. If Scootaloo still had a steady pulse, perhaps she could force her to puke up the cyanide pills!

Apple Bloom wasted no time in gently taking a hold of Scootaloo's limp form and laying her down onto her back. She knew that if she didn't at least try, she could lose her friend forever. That was something that the young mare was unwilling to do. She was always there for her friends when they needed her the most, and right now, Scootaloo's life depended on it!

With her hoof, Apple Bloom gently tilted Scootaloo's head so that her airway was clear. Next, she opened her mouth, proceeding to insert her hoof to the back of her throat and giving it a small nudge so that it toggled her gag reflex. Scootaloo's body tensed and it gave a small series of spasms and shivers as Apple Bloom repeatedly triggered her gag reflex in hopes of bringing up the cyanide pills.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice.

About the fifth time she triggered her reflex, Scootaloo began to cough and sputter in her unconscious state. Apple Bloom held her head in her hooves and turned it to the side as she continued to hack and cough, eventually releasing a substance that resembled a white froth, accompanied by a small bundle of green and yellow capsules, thankfully unaffected by the stomach acid of the pegasus.

Apple Bloom thanked her lucky stars that she managed to work quickly enough before the pills could have the time to take effect. If she had arrived even ten minutes later, she might have been too late to save her friend's life.

''Y'all are gonna be alright, Scootaloo. Jus' take it easy,'' Apple Bloom comforted the pegasus, whether or not she could actually hear her voice. ''Y'all be just fine. We need to get you to the hospital,'' She said, lightly stroking the pegasus's cheek with a hoof.

Ponyville General Hospital

''Apple Bloom, come on, you've got to at least eat or drink something,'' Sweetie Belle said as she touched a hoof to her distraught friend's shoulder. ''You know that it isn't your fault for what happened. She'll come around eventually, she has to.''

Apple Bloom was slumped in a chair beside her hospitalised friend. A day has passed since the discovery of Scootaloo's body in the clubhouse and said pegasus was now in a coma. Thankfully, the doctors diagnosed Scootaloo's condition as stable and intact, despite the large dosage of cyanide pills that was previously introduced into her system. They had Apple Bloom to thank for that.

Scootaloo's unconscious form was hooked up to an IV bag and there was a thin layer of bandages wrapped securely around her head to keep the wound clean that she obtained when she hit her head against the door of the clubhouse. Fortunately, she didn't lose too much blood.

However, regardless of the fact that Apple Bloom is the reason that Scootaloo didn't lose her life, she still felt an overbearing wave of guilt well in her gut. She knew it was her fault for what had happened. Despite Sweetie Belle's comforting statements, it only made her feel all the more worse about the ordeal.

''Ah can't. What if she wakes up? It's the least Ah can do for her, 'specially since this is mah fault,'' Apple Bloom said sadly, her hoof lightly touching Scootaloo's as she slept. ''Ah feel so guilty,'' She turned to face Sweetie Belle's warm, light green eyes. ''Howcome she didn't speak ta us? Ah didn't think she'd ever...''

''Shh, Apple Bloom,'' Sweetie hushed her. ''It's not your fault. All that matters is that she's safe, now. She wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you finding her in time.''

The only sound that filled the gap of silence in the room was the beeping of a heart monitor. The time was late, but neither Apple Bloom or Sweetie Belle was opting to leave their friend's side anytime soon. Doctors had told them that visiting times were over long ago, but the duo wouldn't budge. The hospital staff had arranged for a message to be sent to Scootaloo's family and her friend's families about the recent incident.

Sweetie Belle hovered over a carton of apple juice to Apple Bloom, whom took it with a smile of thanks and gratitude. She brought a small white straw poking out of the top of it to her lips and gave it a small sip before looking up to Sweetie's eyes.

''Where'd you think she got it? The box fulla drug supplies, Ah mean?'' She asked, glancing back towards the sleeping form of the orange pegasus. She watched her chest rise and fall for a moment. Sweetie Belle looked thoughtful.

''I'm not really sure. Even still, why would anypony let her have such stuff? Do you think her parents knew about it?'' Sweetie asked with a worried expression.

''Ah hope not. If'n they did know, Ah'm sure they'll be in a heap of trouble. Come ta think of it, Ah don't think Ah've ever seen her with her parents,'' Apple Bloom said, tapping her chin thoughtfully. ''Actually, Ah don't think Ah've ever seen them.'' Sweetie gasped in horror.

''Apple Bloom! You don't think...''

''No, Ah don't,'' Apple Bloom cut her off, tapping her shoulder softly. ''Right before Ah left the clubhouse with Scootaloo, Ah found something,'' Apple Bloom said, reaching down beside her chair where Scootaloo's saddlebags were resting on the floor. She pulled open one of the pockets and pulled out a scrap of paper, showing it to Sweetie Belle. ''It sounds ta me like she was havin' troubles at home. Ah think this might be what set her off.''

Sweetie held the note in her telekinetic aura as she read it, gasping half-way through reading before tears began to sting at her eyes. Placing the note down, she gazed into Apple Bloom's eyes, horrified at what she had just read.

''Oh, Apple Bloom, why would she do something like this?'' Sweetie asked as she rested her head against Apple Bloom's shoulder, tears beginning to roll down her cheeks. ''Why?''

Apple Bloom wrapped a hoof around her shoulders. ''Ah don't know, Sweetie. Perhaps we can find out when she wakes up,'' She said, momentarily staring at a clock on the wall. 8:57PM. ''Soon, hopefully.''

Author's Note:

You know, I think this might just work as a three-parter. With that said, I think there shall be another one out soon enough.

I'm honestly not a fan of sequels or series, but I feel that this one might work out.

Comments

[Speedy Silverstreak]

Thanks for using my idea for a sequel. I hope the next story the bastards that hurt Scoots get what they deserve.

[Adenbadens]

So we get a third from Sweetie's perspective? Nice!

There were a couple of minor grammar errors, and I'm pretty sure "thanks" and "gratitude" are synonyms, but otherwise well done. Can't wait for the third!

[Ribe_FireRain]

8427956

I'll get around to switching some stuff when I have the chance. I'm afraid that's what happens when you stay up all night and write.

[Soaring]

So I've been reading this series so far (2 out of 3) and I find that it's pretty good. There's just a couple things about the writing that bugs me, so mind you that although these bug me, I still find it enjoyable enough to see what happens. For those who haven't read the stories yet, ignore this comment. Anyway, let's get into the criticism!

1. Showing is more immersive than telling. I can tell you have a grip with this, but sometimes your details are left unexplained, causing me to have to question what you mean. Par example, when you're trying to explain the atmosphere of the clubhouse, you tell us:

There was a negative energy surrounding the atmosphere, one that reeked of fear and sadness.

What does this mean? There are many instances of negative energy within a situation like this, and so many possibilities to imagine, and we don't get any vivid imagery as to what this negative energy is. All we know that is smells like fear and sadness, two abstract concepts, not concrete. I looked to the second sentence to see if there was any elaboration, but that sentence only added that it loomed over them. We can't get a good grip on the scene unless there's a concrete grounding for us to go to the abstract senses.

I also find it interesting that you sometimes over-excessively detail some parts of the scene. For instance, when describing the action of Apple Bloom checking over her friend for a pulse or other sign of life, you over-detail the sentence to:

The red-maned farm filly knelt down beside her orange-coated pegasus friend and her face immediately contorted into one of fear and worry as she checked her over for any signs of life.

The adjectives aren't necessary if we already know who is in the room. I think they could've been placed before this time stamp, somewhere in the beginning of the scene, when Apple Bloom enters and sees this orange-coated pegasus lumped in the corner of the room, you know? In addition to simple adjective changes, the sentence sounds very clunky, probably because it's so over-saturated in detail. Maybe separating out certain details could help it immensely? Sometimes adding less is more. I mean, you did that extremely well with this sentence:

The only sound that filled the gap of silence in the room was the beeping of a heart monitor.

Since I can imagine that very well. The gap of silence gives focus as to how silent the room was, because all you can hear is Scootaloo's heart through the monitor. Makes the scene very tense.

2. Lack of HR. I don't mean Hard Rock, if you're an osu player. Let's use more horizontal line rule. You shouldn't have to tell the reader that we're in the Ponyville Hospital when your story does that for us. You show us the hospital, and we know that at the end of the prior scene, Apple Bloom needs to do something, so going to the hospital would be a smart decision here. I mean, she even says "we need to get you to the hospital", so why should she be anywhere else? Let the story talk, not you.

I think those are my two things I wanted to say. I know not many people will take the time to sit down and type a long comment like this to let the author know what's up, so let me be one of those people.

Thanks for writing this.

[Ribe_FireRain]

8429953
I commend you for the feedback! Now, on to explain my part!

To be honest, I know that it's sloppy and dodgy in some areas. That was actually the point. I intended for all of those things to be included.

Besides, when I wrote these, I was tired to the point I was going to pass out.

It was basically something I thought I'd experiment with to enhance the emotional journey. It's something I decided to try out after being inspired by grunge.

Grunge is a sub-genre of rock and doesn't revolve around writing, but I figured I'd give it a shot at expressing that mood.

Oh, and I don't really have a name for this type of writing yet, sadly enough.

[Soaring]

8430274
Okay, but you telling me that does nothing. If your intent was to write to grunge music, the tempo would've been evident in the writing. Besides, if you're writing to just grunge music, there should be a tie into the story so we can feel and hear what you're getting from the music. I wouldn't have known if there was any sort of connection to grunge music if you didn't tell me.

[Ribe_FireRain]

8431313

It's not about a song or music. It's about the style. Grunge just means unkept, somewhat unclean and dirty. As much as I may love music in general, I'm afraid there wasn't any involvement of music in the story by reference. That's why I said I was trying to involve the mood due to the nature and themes of the story.

It's sad, it's dark, and it's surrounded by pure negativity. I suppose it would make a bit more sense if I could develop a proper way of demonstrating the emotions of such a story. However, like I've said, I haven't come up with a name for the style of writing yet. Maybe in the future, but who knows?

Unfortunately, it's not so easy to explain what the style is all about. Like I've mentioned, although grunge is a sub-genre of rock, the story has no connection to music. I felt inspired to write this story to the style of its tone.

In other words, I guess it's called Grune Literacy, or something along those lines. Just a dirty, messy and unkempt story. (Also, editing was practically down to a minimum unless required for emphasis in some areas.)

[spyrofan354]

I take it there's a sequel coming

[Soaring]

8431343
Oh, so it's based on what grunge is rather than just writing to grunge? Interesting. I don't think that still gives it a pass if you're talking about certain sections like the ones I highlighted. Still enjoy this series though. What's the ETA for the next one?

[Ribe_FireRain]

8431836

I don't think there will be a third one coming out anytime soon. I quit writing on here a while back.

I'm not saying that it will never be written, but it certainly won't be for a while. If not then, probably not.