This story is a sequel to She Needs A Quiet Room With A Lock To Keep Her In
Scootaloo, after locking herself inside the CMC's old clubhouse on the outskirts of Sweet Apple Acres during a thunderstorm, attempted to take her own life.
Apple Bloom found her friend and she only has a very narrow window of time to help save one her closest and dearest best friend's life.
The clock is ticking as she brings Scootaloo to the hospital, but will she survive?
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Cover art credit - https://sea-maas.deviantart.com/art/Nyctophobia-701494355
Chapters (1)
Thanks for using my idea for a sequel. I hope the next story the bastards that hurt Scoots get what they deserve.
So we get a third from Sweetie's perspective? Nice!
There were a couple of minor grammar errors, and I'm pretty sure "thanks" and "gratitude" are synonyms, but otherwise well done. Can't wait for the third!
8427956
I'll get around to switching some stuff when I have the chance. I'm afraid that's what happens when you stay up all night and write.
So I've been reading this series so far (2 out of 3) and I find that it's pretty good. There's just a couple things about the writing that bugs me, so mind you that although these bug me, I still find it enjoyable enough to see what happens. For those who haven't read the stories yet, ignore this comment. Anyway, let's get into the criticism!
1. Showing is more immersive than telling. I can tell you have a grip with this, but sometimes your details are left unexplained, causing me to have to question what you mean. Par example, when you're trying to explain the atmosphere of the clubhouse, you tell us:
What does this mean? There are many instances of negative energy within a situation like this, and so many possibilities to imagine, and we don't get any vivid imagery as to what this negative energy is. All we know that is smells like fear and sadness, two abstract concepts, not concrete. I looked to the second sentence to see if there was any elaboration, but that sentence only added that it loomed over them. We can't get a good grip on the scene unless there's a concrete grounding for us to go to the abstract senses.
I also find it interesting that you sometimes over-excessively detail some parts of the scene. For instance, when describing the action of Apple Bloom checking over her friend for a pulse or other sign of life, you over-detail the sentence to:
The adjectives aren't necessary if we already know who is in the room. I think they could've been placed before this time stamp, somewhere in the beginning of the scene, when Apple Bloom enters and sees this orange-coated pegasus lumped in the corner of the room, you know? In addition to simple adjective changes, the sentence sounds very clunky, probably because it's so over-saturated in detail. Maybe separating out certain details could help it immensely? Sometimes adding less is more. I mean, you did that extremely well with this sentence:
Since I can imagine that very well. The gap of silence gives focus as to how silent the room was, because all you can hear is Scootaloo's heart through the monitor. Makes the scene very tense.
2. Lack of HR. I don't mean Hard Rock, if you're an osu player. Let's use more horizontal line rule. You shouldn't have to tell the reader that we're in the Ponyville Hospital when your story does that for us. You show us the hospital, and we know that at the end of the prior scene, Apple Bloom needs to do something, so going to the hospital would be a smart decision here. I mean, she even says "we need to get you to the hospital", so why should she be anywhere else? Let the story talk, not you.
I think those are my two things I wanted to say. I know not many people will take the time to sit down and type a long comment like this to let the author know what's up, so let me be one of those people.
Thanks for writing this.
8429953
I commend you for the feedback! Now, on to explain my part!
To be honest, I know that it's sloppy and dodgy in some areas. That was actually the point. I intended for all of those things to be included.
Besides, when I wrote these, I was tired to the point I was going to pass out.
It was basically something I thought I'd experiment with to enhance the emotional journey. It's something I decided to try out after being inspired by grunge.
Grunge is a sub-genre of rock and doesn't revolve around writing, but I figured I'd give it a shot at expressing that mood.
Oh, and I don't really have a name for this type of writing yet, sadly enough.
8430274
Okay, but you telling me that does nothing. If your intent was to write to grunge music, the tempo would've been evident in the writing. Besides, if you're writing to just grunge music, there should be a tie into the story so we can feel and hear what you're getting from the music. I wouldn't have known if there was any sort of connection to grunge music if you didn't tell me.
8431313
It's not about a song or music. It's about the style. Grunge just means unkept, somewhat unclean and dirty. As much as I may love music in general, I'm afraid there wasn't any involvement of music in the story by reference. That's why I said I was trying to involve the mood due to the nature and themes of the story.
It's sad, it's dark, and it's surrounded by pure negativity. I suppose it would make a bit more sense if I could develop a proper way of demonstrating the emotions of such a story. However, like I've said, I haven't come up with a name for the style of writing yet. Maybe in the future, but who knows?
Unfortunately, it's not so easy to explain what the style is all about. Like I've mentioned, although grunge is a sub-genre of rock, the story has no connection to music. I felt inspired to write this story to the style of its tone.
In other words, I guess it's called Grune Literacy, or something along those lines. Just a dirty, messy and unkempt story. (Also, editing was practically down to a minimum unless required for emphasis in some areas.)
I take it there's a sequel coming
8431343
Oh, so it's based on what grunge is rather than just writing to grunge? Interesting. I don't think that still gives it a pass if you're talking about certain sections like the ones I highlighted. Still enjoy this series though. What's the ETA for the next one?
8431836
I don't think there will be a third one coming out anytime soon. I quit writing on here a while back.
I'm not saying that it will never be written, but it certainly won't be for a while. If not then, probably not.