Trixie explains what happened to her parents and how they died. She explains how her kind of unicorn were hated for so long. Trixie spills everything.
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 3rd Jul, 2017
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
Creativa-Artly01
Epileptic-autistic eldest of four, artist, creative, and horse crazy girl who is obsessed with entertainment media and history among other things.
Creativa-Artly01
Joined 3rd Jul, 2017 ·
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Okay, wow. WOW. Where do I begin?
How about the fact that ponies being tortured, slaughtered and forced into concentration camps are mentioned as a brief aside and never brought up again? These things are synonymous with atrocities in the real world, and yet it's of so little concern to the narrative that it's comparable to "and then we had ice cream"? Does this take place in some kind of dystopian, Tyrantlestia-ruled Equestria? The fact that the destruction was not covered up, or even cleaned away for over a decade, suggests that Celestia doesn't even care about a positive public image. Sorry, it's not working. You can't have guards slaughtering ponies in the streets and then pretend that the story still takes place in happy canon Equestria.
The rest of the story kind of works, to the extent that you're trying to set Trixie up with a struggling background. But setting Trixie up with a tragic childhood that requires senseless slaughter is needless, overkill, and just doesn't work. There's been plenty of stories with Trixie having a tragic childhood while remaining within a reasonable framework. Which frankly tends to work better, because readers with similar experiences can sympathize. This is too over the top.
Other points and thoughts:
- Why would Trixie's parents give her a derogatory name? ("Weak Spark"? That's like naming your kid "Dumb Joe" or "Ugly Clara".) Doesn't exactly seem like what a loving parent would do.
- When has the color of your magic ever indicated weakness? (For that matter, Trixie is a professional magic performer and was able to teleport the Cutie Map across town on her first try. Why do people persist in thinking that she's weaker than the average unicorn? Sure, weaker than Twilight, but that's hardly saying anything.)
- Why are all of the Mane 6 in this story? Other than Twilight, they say nothing, do nothing, contribute nothing. Twilight and Starlight have speaking roles, and it makes sense for them to spend time with Trixie (well, Starlight makes sense, and Twilight could reasonably want to come along), but the others have no reason to be there, and distracts because you're expecting them to speak up at least once. (I can't imagine Fluttershy hearing about senseless slaughter and just sit there without showing reaction.) Either have them actually be part of the story, or cut them completely. The Mane Six are not joined at the hips - they don't have to be together all the time.
All things considered, I did not like this story, although I recognize that you tried. But between the inconsistencies, the inappropriately grimdark tragedy, and the fact that the story concept has been done many times before, it does not execute well.
I see where you're coming from. The inspiration for this story was two things: Boy Named Sue by Johnny Cash and the tale of Anastasia. It's going to be a little out there because of those inspirations.
You reply to comments by moving your mouse over to the right-hand corner of the comment you want to reply to then clicking on the >> that appears. Why isn't there a tragedy or dark tag? Please respond to this comment.
8351781
Fully aware. Just added the tags. Thanks for reminding me. Sometimes I undertag and with a story like this I shouldn't have. So thanks.
Hey I want to say that I've read this story along time ago before I even had an account on here but now I found this story again and I just wanted to let you know no matter how bad the story was or is I loved it and it is going into my favorites
10954260
Thanks