- Member Since 14th Feb, 2015
- offline last seen February 12th
Dandereshy
I write sins, not tragedies. Patreon so I can continue doing... whatever it is I do.
Dandereshy
Joined 14th Feb, 2015 ·
Offline
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Dandereshy · 1.7k words · 165 7 · 5.4k views
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Oh my.
What
7961935
Muahahaha!
Squee!
Something tells me exhibitionism is coming soon.
7962033
We'll see if this one does as well as the prequel.
i wonder what Fluttershy would do if she had a inflatable sex toy or vibrator......
oh well better wait and see when the next story comes then
Totally dragon dildos
"ladder-half" should be "latter-half".
Her innocence boo it supposed to be mine noooo
At first, I thought one of sex toys going to be a vibrator (either egg or dildo shape). But varies kind of dildo is work too...XD
Eh. 'k, so let me be the harsh voice with this one, as it seems I'm first. Do take my words with a grain of salt thought - or don't take them at all - as I myself am an amateur(in the negative spectrum of the word) writer at best.
I'm guessing you wanted to try out the present tense - as the previous story clearly shows you have a decent grasp of writing itself - and that is not a bad thing. However, there are a few catches.
First of all - you didn't do it in all places where you were supposed to; cue example.
It's supposed to be "is", not "was". It's quite jarring, really.
Second - basically, the same as first, but a bit different. Example.
Yes, technically, you can use past tense there - we will get there in a minute - but you really be better of using present tense here as well. It will require a bit of sentence remodeling at times, but I think it's worth it.
Also, on the present and past tense writing. It may be personal bias, but it feels to me like present tense goes way better with first person, while third person is better left in the capable hands of the past tense.
Now, about why you can do what you did with that paragraph - it's presented to us right after a scene transition, and as such can be seen as author telling us something that we missed out on, not describing what he's witnessing right now, thus past tense. I do think that is all I can say on the subject of present tense writing, for now.
Okay, next strike - consistency. Language consistency, in this case. While "sopping marehood" is not that crude, it's still something else. You want to write purple prose(i.e. erotica) - do not stray into porn, and vice versa. Stick with one of them.
Next, things are very fast-paced. It's not a bad thing, not necessarily, but i can hurt the story. Namely, your story is basically divided into two parts. Let's call them Explanation and Action for the sake of it - fits rather well if you ask me.
Explanation is, obviously a first part - a set-up for the second one. It can be either slow-paced, or fast-paced. Fast-paced works well for gratification and standalone stories - you have to read the bare minimum before the Action starts, and nothing more is actually needed. Slow-paced works better for continuity stories and stories where sex is not a solitary goal(even if it still the main one). I wouldn't presume for which one you were aiming, but I really do believe that slow pacing would have worked better for this one.
Action depends on whether you write a standalone one shot, or a part of the series/long story, and what you exactly wanted with this particular installment in the second case.
Can't say for sure, but I think slow-paced Action fits more for erotica, standalone stories and stories that lean more heavily onto the romance side(even if the sex itself is not romantic much) of relationships, whereas fast-paced Action is more apt for porn and stories where there's fucking without relationships.
Also, be I'm write or wrong with one thing or another - don't let it stop you. What I'm trying to say with that sentence, is: You can write a story well with the bad "materials"(present tense+third person). They may not even be bad in the first place!
As a final note note, all this things can be solved with a help from a good editor or from proofreader, so here's that. Really hope this helps, and ask if I said something wrong or made it unclear - deal?
7965903
Whoa. I might need to reply to this in PMs.
HIGH
WAY
TO
THE
NAUGHTY ZONE
I laughed at that bit, but I think the first story was better. :B
7992159
You're probably right.
Not too bad. It played out rather as expected, which I suppose is a good thing.
If you do decide to do a forth instalment-- what would it be? I would think something along the lines of either; Fluttershy Discovers Mares, or Fluttershy Discovers Stallions. Or maybe it is more solo play, like self-insert, or asphyxiation. :\
Fist self touching and now toys...Fluttershy is discovering more and more pleasure that intercourse has to offer
!
So.... when do we get Fluttershy Discovers Yeast Infections? Rubber isn't body safe and can harbor bacteria which can cause infections. Clearly, you didn't fact check your dildos.... and for that you will be S.P.A.N.C.-ed.
9034073
Banned from FiMFic.