Fall of Equestria: A Rare Opportunity

ShardsOfDream #1 · Nov 5th, 2016 · · ·

Seems like I came here first. If you don't mind me asking, is this canon to the fall? It seems different from the storyline....

Ugly-Duckling123

Ugly-Duckling123 #2 · Nov 5th, 2016 · · ·

Reply

Too wordy... but that's just my opinion

HiddenMaster

HiddenMaster #3 · Nov 5th, 2016 · 4 · 1 ·

Reply

Well...

Not gonna lie, I really did not expect this today.

I'll get started now.

“Time to close the boutique for some well-earned rest and relaxation. If I’m lucky I can catch the next train to Canterlot and arrive with plenty of time to spare for my dinner appointment with Fleur de Lis. Etiquette demands a lady never arrives late!”

Oh dear. This is not a good sign this early on. Let me ask this: why did Rarity say this? If someone else was there, then it could be justified (poorly), but justified. However, she is alone. So, what is this, dear reader? It's a steaming pile of exposition eleven lines in. It's not entertaining, boring, and honestly should be avoided at all cost in story telling-at least, when told in this manner. Exposition can work, but only when integrated into the plot and characters and action properly-here, it hits about everything not to do when writing exposition. The only good thing about this is that you at least had the decency to not start the story with this.

So, we start with this. How do you fix it? It's shockingly simple. Don't have her say it and reword to be more integrated with the narrative rather than just exposition spewed from Rarity's mouth. Here we go;

When her last customer left for the day, Rarity felt a burst of giddy excitement rush through her. Tonight, she had a dinner appointment with the great Fleur de Lis. The mere thought of being in the presence of such a great avatar of Canterlot culture and fashion made her legs wobbly.Without further fanfare, Rarity prepped her things for her departure.

Notice I completely removed the comment about catching the train and being late. The reason I did this is that, in my opinion, they add absolutely nothing unless you're going to have Rarity be late and fail to catch her train for whatever reason.

So, in any future revisions, please cut this or reword it entirely like I have. No one likes steaming piles of exposition. In fact, if this wasn't a Fall of Equestria story, I would have stopped reading this entirely at this point, but I'm interested to see where a story like this goes.

“Perhaps I’ll finally be able to open my dream boutique in the city soon. It’ll be the center of Canterlot’s fashion scene!” Rarity mused, smiling as she felt the train starting to move towards the capital.

Another worrying sign. This is the exact same situation as above, and I am having to fight my urge to drop this entirely.

I would suggest either cutting it or rewording it entirely.

During the trip to the city, fantasies of opening her dream boutique in the midst of Canterlot's premier fashion scene flashed through Rarity's mind.

“This dry northern wind his horrible for my sensitive skin! I just hope we aren’t in for a harsh winter this year,” she thought, as she quickly made her way to the taxi stand.

This is...any other setting and I would have dropped the story entirely by now even if it was excellently written and engaging by now.

Rarity is only talking to spew exposition from her mouth, and it disgusts me. Granted, this is just thoughts, but thoughts and dialogue should have a deeper meaning and purpose. This? It should be integrated into the narrative.

Here's a lovely revision of something that would work much better.

Rarity shivered as a gust of wind blew over her as she walked over to a taxi stand. She dearly hoped winter would not be harsh this year: dealing with its effects on her sensitive skin would just be awful.

This is the last time I'll offer revisions for this particular style of bad. I'm not your editor, and I think I've made my point by now.

“So glad to be able to catch up with you again Fleur, it really has been way too long.” Rarity answered, taking her seat at the table. “What is on the menu today, garçon?”
“For the entrée this evening we have watercress soupe, or salade truffé, mademoiselle.” the waiter replied. After taking both orders he bowed politely, and left the girls to converse in private.

Dialogue is punctuated here incorrectly here and is likely incorrect throughout the entire story. Whenever dialogue ends in a statement followed by a dialogue tag (he/she/etc. said), then you end the dialogue with a comma rather than a period.

For instance:

~~"That is a crime against fashion~~.~~" Rarity said.~~

vs

"That is a crime against fashion," Rarity said.

Sometimes you do leave a dialogue statement with a period, but only when there isn't a corresponding dialogue tag immediate after the dialogue.

"That is a crime against fashion." Rarity proceeded to light the dress on fire.

Moving on.

The lure had been cast. Contented, the pink-maned socialite picked up her heavy silver fork, and resumed their conversation where they left off.

Just a note here. I honestly liked this part. Rarity being the lady she imagines herself as would be repelled by this, but you showed her being tempted into wearing this collar by the lure of getting into the high society life and culture.

Just nicely done.

“Oh, didn’t I tell you at the restaurant? The dress code is CMNF, dear. Clothed male, naked female,” Fleur answered, smiling as she closed the door behind her.

That's rather sexist and should set alarm bells off in Rarity's brain. Of course she is alarmed by the nudity, but I'm disappointed that you neglected to have Rarity even ponder the clear sexism in place here. I would expect her to be more taken aback, especially considering female led and matriarchal society Equestria has.

“Yes dear, of course. Don’t feel ashamed, all of the mares you’ll see are naked.” Fleur replied, trying to assuage her friend’s doubts.

This would have been the perfect opportunity for Rarity to question why the stallions aren't naked. I suspect Fleur wouldn't have been able to answer and that should have set off even more alarm bells.

“Fetched and ordered by stallions? Numbered instead of named? Doesn’t that sound horribly demeaning to you, Fleur?” Rarity replied, disconcerted at what her friend might mean.
“Well most of us rely on these fake identities to have some guilt-free fun. I mean, it’s not against the rules if you want to go in without, but it might be a bit much for your first experience,” Fleur said.
“I-I guess not…” Rarity stammered, realizing the value of Fleur de Lis’ offer. She slipped on the garters, making sure the numbers covered her cutie marks.

At least you had Rarity acknowledge how suspicious and off this is.

The stallions wore the smart outfits befitting members of high society - expensive blazers and neatly-pressed shirts and trousers. Rarity didn’t recognize any of them as each one of them wore a mask covering their eyes, as did the mares present. But in contrast to the stallions every mare was stark naked, wearing nothing besides their masks, collars and garters covering their cutie marks.

Yeah...considering the activities here, the stallions aren't so much refined and elegant as they are sweating and stinky individuals with crinkled and sweat soaked shirts and trousers.

“There’s demand for an alternative…culture,” Fleur continued. “A space where ponies can be free from the trappings and pressures of society.”

So...why do the stallions feel the need to wear clothes here? Those are clearly trapping and considering how unpleasant they would be to wear during the activities, there's no reason to wear them if this entire point is to be free from the trappings and pressures of society.

What I'm getting at is that so far there is no reason for the stallions to not be naked other than that there's a severe double standard here that Rarity should be noticing by now. Furthermore, mares can appreciate eye candy just as much as males, so it would make more sense for everyone to be naked. But they're not, things are already showing signs of sexism in a society with relatively equal genders, and Rarity should be freaking the fuck out by now.

“Wonderful isn’t it, dear?” Fleur said, giving her friend a knowing look as she noticed her flushed face and heavy breathing. “Perhaps it’s not for everypony, but this certainly has become the meeting point for those with alternative tastes. We certainly wouldn’t be able to act this out elsewhere, not with the current norms and laws anyway.”

What fucking laws? In none of the cannon FoE stories was Equestria ever established as having modesty laws or restrictions on sexual activities outside of ones that forbid public indecency, pedophilia and the like. Behind closed doors, the law cares nothing for how you get your kink on.

Also, by this point several stallions have taken to fucking mares with their clothes on. That's just not comfortable and causes chafing. Would help if they were naked as well. In fact, the way Fleur says some of this it sounds as if the mares organized this (cough-no they didn't cough) for relaxation, which is all well and good, but once again females can appreciate eye candy just as much as anyone else and non-sexually designed clothing is generally uncomfortable when having sex.

“She apparently got it made by two brothers. Traveling salesmen selling their inventions, so I’ve been told. It sounded rather sketchy when she first told me about it, but clearly they were happy to build such a device,” Fleur replied as she made her way off the platform and back onto the ballroom floor.

I'm sorry, but how has this device not killed the mare? If it's built by Flim and Flam like you're suggesting, there's almost assuredly a fault in it that either makes it uncomfortable or outright dangerous to one's health.

So I got to the end and I have reached a conclusion.

Rarity isn't thinking.

Besides the fact that she ignored obvious warning signs, the stallion outright giving her instructions in a setting where everyone is anonymous and sex should be freely shared and his intent to go back with her-this is creepy in all the wrong ways. I'm hoping you genuinely don't portray Rarity as mindless idiot, but you seem to be going down this path without having Rarity remotely question some of the suspicious things. It would be easy to counter her suspicions by having Fleur or someone else move in to suppress her worries from time to time, but that's not really happening here.

Overall? If this is a cannon story, it's somewhat better written than average and the sex is written okay, but that's about all I can say about it. I will admit I don't know where in the overall timeline this fits, but I can guarantee that, if you're suggesting the Crystal Empire has already been taken over and is practically another Caribou society based on the aphrodesiacs imported from there, then that doesn't make any bloody sense that Celestia and Luna haven't noticed reports of intense sexual activity and changes in personality to outright embrace male dominance-the Crystal Empire is a significant city of Equestria likely with continuous travelers, imports, exports, and so on. If she had noticed this early on, the Caribou invasion just flat out wouldn't have worked.

ponkpank

ponkpank #4 · Nov 5th, 2016 · 1 · ·

Reply

7697549
Yes

7697820
7697972
Thanks for your input. I'm no writer, so any pointers are appreciated.

Sirius_Face

Sirius_Face #5 · Nov 5th, 2016 · 5 · 1 ·

Reply

You say you're no writing, but this story makes me question that.

For one thing, you've shown the kind of attention to detail that I often ask about when it comes to stories. You've got the pacing down just right, allowing the reader to go with Rarity on this new and strange journey, and you've got all the little small details to make this kind of story come across as believable. It's so easy to see how a taste of this life style can change and become addicting, or how one can become weak minded and easily influence into thinking their consent is what others tell them it is. This is the kind of Fall of Equestria story we need more of - not brazen mindless rape.

I really love all the details you were able to fit in this story. A slow pace is needed, and you managed to make it just right rather than too slow and dragging. Also worth praising you on your ability to keep from repeating words and phrases. Overall, this is a fantastic story for a first timer, and should act as encouragement for you to keep writing when you aren't drawing. You deserve a lot of praise for this fine piece, and it's something I would point to as being what more FoE stories should be like.

Very Sleepy

Very Sleepy #6 · Nov 6th, 2016 · 5 · 1 ·

Reply

A very well written story which is even better for me because these rare kinks are right up my alley. All I can do is urge you continue on writing.

Iron Comet

Iron Comet #7 · Mar 4th, 2017 · 1 · ·

Reply

An interesting story, here is hoping for updates.

ponkpank

ponkpank #8 · Mar 4th, 2017 · · 1 ·

Reply

7996026
Thanks, the next chapter is in the works but progress is slow since I'm not much of a writer.

Iron Comet

Iron Comet #9 · Mar 4th, 2017 · 2 · 1 ·

Reply

7996808 Not much of a writer? Your kidding me, this was great.

Arkunus Stilshire

Arkunus Stilshire #10 · Apr 18th, 2017 · 5 · 1 ·

Reply

I want to read the next chapter so badly

Velenor

Velenor #11 · Sep 22nd, 2017 · 2 · ·

Reply

Im really a fan of these sort of "secret society" themes, so I very much enjoyed it. I liked seeing Rarity being reserved at first but letting her restraints go willingly and I liked how you set the stage with the more extreme stuff other characters were engaged in to set the stage. I think this was a great start for Rarity to be eased into a society like this, very organic and natural. I hope to see more and I hope to see things escalate :)
Besides the collar I dont see much of a Fall of Equestria tie-in, and I personally prefer it that way. The series has its charms but personally a much bigger fan of character being manipulated into liking things, or being pushed to acknowledge that side of themselves. The FoA stuff is a bit too forceful for my tastes.

I guess people haven't responded to this story for a while, but I hope you're still planning to write a continuation.

ponkpank

ponkpank #12 · Sep 26th, 2017 · 1 · ·

Reply

8442343
The next chapter has been a work in progress for a while, but since I'm not a natural writer working out a longer, flowing story isn't the easiest thing for me to do. I can't say when, but it'll get done eventually.

BleedingRaindrops

BleedingRaindrops #13 · Dec 4th, 2018 · · ·

Reply

well it's a decent first chapter, but unless this was meant to be a one shot slice of life, I can't find the story here. Rarity has joined an interesting night club, cut and dry. no extra details added. This doesn't even feel relevant to the Fall of Equestria timeline. Are you sure this is canon? Maybe it's just unfinished?

Heavens_Angel