Soarin

Fast pace one shot

A creature of light and dark stands before him. Only he stands between it and the mare he loves and her daughter. There is no chance of him wining here is were he will die. The least he could do is fight till he is nothing but dust in the wind. Anything to save the ones he loves.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 10 )

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Aeluna

Aeluna #1 · Oct 5th, 2016 · · ·

Sadly, I have to say that this fic, though potentially interesting, falls far from its potential. It is laced with typos, grammatical errors and confusingly long sentences. In the end, I gave up reading because you had, quite frankly, left me feeling lost.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but I'd hate for you to not realise this. It has great potential with a little work, just make sure to read it through to yourself before publishing (and don't just rely on spell check—while it may change typos, you can't guarantee it will change the typo to the word you want).

Phoenix Nebula

Phoenix Nebula #2 · Oct 5th, 2016 · · ·

7619810
I looked over it and did check for typos. Can you point out were I messed up so I can improve?

King Kitty II

King Kitty II #3 · Oct 6th, 2016 · · ·

I liked it. Especially the fourth wall break. I love fourth wall breaks.

Phoenix Nebula

Phoenix Nebula #4 · Oct 6th, 2016 · · ·

7620768

Glad you liked it!

Aeluna

Aeluna #5 · Oct 6th, 2016 · · ·

7620239

The typos are the minor issue here, though they're in the summary as well which is a major no-no. But I'll give a few examples...

For a start, the formatting is iffy in places, for example the very first paragraph. You'll see what I mean.

Next, you switch tenses in places. A few published authors have arguably done this well, but for the most part it makes reading clunky. For example, "Dust blew past him," is past tense. "A voice yells" is present.

Next, there's confusing sentences much like this one:

"The stallion looks in the direction of the streak to see a little orange filly laying motionless on the ground with a terrifying beast so terrifying he could not describe it beyond having several limbs protruding from its grey body."

Now, with a lot of effort this can be understood, but readers don't want to put in effort. Readers just want to read as opposed to tear apart in order to understand. Furthermore, it just sounds... odd. I mean, "a terrifying beast so terrifying" just seems amateurish. Describe it as a terrifying beast, sure, but don't cop out by saying it was too terrifying to describe. That just shows lack of thought. You could really overwhelm your readers here, as opposed to underwhelming them as you do. Other parts were underwhelming too, for example, "he slammed into the ground... But he got up." If you want to immerse your readers, you need to consider word choice carefully or things don't seem all that risky. I mean, he hardly sounds injured here.

Also, if you are adding a "(the mare/the creature/she/he/etc) said" (or a variation of "said") after speech then you don't use a capital, the exception being for names. Let me illustrate...

"I will kill you!" [uSoarin cried.

"I will kill you!" the stallion cried.

"I will kill you!" The stallion turned away and swung his sword.

You also have trouble with commas, but I can't point each of these out. You would need to get an actual editor to go through it to fix this up (and, annoyingly, it is one of the biggest issues). Other rpthan that, you also need to vary sentence length. When each sentence is written with eight syllabus, for example, it becomes very dull and monotone.

Hope this helps.

Phoenix Nebula