Love

Chapter 1: Love

Dust blew past him. The landscape was barren and dead. The only remaining living things were himself, Rainbow Dash, and Scootaloo.
Soarin groaned as he attempted to stand on his hooves. Pain shot through his body causing him to collapse back onto the ground.

"SCOOTALOO!" a voice yells as a rainbow colored streak flashes past him. The stallion looks in the direction of the streak to see a little orange filly laying motionless on the ground with a terrifying beast so terrifying he could not describe it beyond having several limbs protruding from its grey body. The creature lifted one of its limbs ready to crush the downed filly. Just before the creature could crush her the rainbow streak shot past and picked up the filly. The creature roared in anger as it attempted to hit the rainbow blur.

"Dashie..." Soarin said weakly as he attempted to get to his hooves again, but once again he fell back to the dusty ground in pain. All he could do was watch in horror as the mare he loved struggled to evade the beast as it reached out with it's many limbs in attempt to crush the cyan mare. Soon the creature began firing beams of dark and light energy. Rainbow dash veered to the left to avoid a fast moving limb then to the right to avoid a blast of swirling energy. Just as she was about to make a turn she was hit from the left knocking her and scootaloo to the ground. What happened next horrified Soarin to the point he forgot all his pain. Before his eyes he watched as the creature grabbed the mares right wing and ripped it from her back. The cyan wing fell to the ground in a small pool of blood as a scream of pain and agony filled the air."NO!" Soarin yelled pulling himself to his hooves all the pain forgotten. As the creature reached down to grab the mares other wing it was knocked to the side smashing into a large rock. "Dashie!" Soarin said frantically as he examined the mares wound.

"Soarin...." She said weakly as tears streamed from her eyes." It hurts... please make it stop hurting...."

"Don't worry Dashie I'll get help just..." He was interrupted by a deep chuckle. Soarin turned to see the grey beast getting up and making his way towards him. Soarin took a defensive stance and snarled at the creature.

"I'm impressed you were actually able to knock me to the side like that." The creature said in a deep haunting tone. Soarin did not reply he remained in his stance staring down the creature." You must have a lot of strength to be able to do such a thing." The creature complimented, but Soarin still said nothing." Move aside I must eliminate the element of harmony and her daughter." The creature approached which was meat with a snarl from the stallion. "You dare challenge me?" Soarin said nothing he remained in his stance before the evil creature. The monster laughed hysterically," Ha, ha, ha, do you really thing you can win against me? I am a being of light and darkness none is more powerful than me!" He said as he raised one of his limbs, "DIE MORTAL!!" The creature said before bringing it's limb down at blinding speeds. A plume of dust shot up from the impact sight. The creature smiled evilly, but that smiled vanished and was shocked to see the ice blue stallion in his face. Before the creature could process what happened he was meat with a hoof to the face that sent him careening into and through another boulder. Soarin didn't let up though. Before the creature could get his bearings he was met with another hard buck sending him high into the air. 'Must protect Dashie,' Soarin thought as he followed the creature up into the sky. Soarin, using his newfound strength to protect the one he loved, slammed the beast back towards the ground. The impact sent dust in all directions. The stallion followed after the monster, but before he could reach the ground a beam of energy exploded up towards him from the cloud of dust.

Soarin barely avoided being vaporized. Before he could do anything else, however, the beast leaped up into the air and slammed into the stallion sending him careening towards the unforgiving surface. He slammed into the ground sending pain throughout his body, but he got up.' I can't give up I must protect Dashie!' A shadow began to form around his hooves. He looked up to see the monster looming over him. ' I must stop him before he can hurt her more,' Soarin burst forward slamming into that beast with all his might. The creature was dragged across the ground as Soarin beat his wings fiercely. The creature slammed into boulder after boulder as he was driven into the ground.

"No I can't lose you're mortal. I can't loose!!" The creature screeched in terror. For the first time since the battle started Soarin spoke.

"You lost the second you attacked the one I love." He said in a hollow voice. Soarin drew his right hoof back before sending it through the creature's face and crushing it's brain. The beast thought no more. Silence filled the air as Soarin looked upon the dead creature. Soon his thoughts turned back to the one he was protecting," Dashie!" He said running over to her motionless body. "Nononono!" he said frantically. He pressed his ear to her chest and was greeted by the rhythmic thump of her heart beat. He sighed in relief before falling over unconscious himself. His exhaustion finally catching up to him.

Beep Beep Beep.

Rainbow Dash's eyes creaked open as the sound of a heart monitor filled that air. She could feel herself laying on a soft surface and something warm laying over her. The memories began to start flooding back; the beast that attacked them, her protecting Scootaloo, and then she saw Soarin..." Soarin!!" She said frantically sitting up.

"Slowdown you need your rest," Female voice said as a pink hoof pressed against her chest. "You need to lay down so you're wing can heal." The mare before her was light pink, she had a rich blue mane with lavender highlights. Her eye's were blue slits and she had leathery bat wings.

"Are you a vampire?"

"Close, I'm a thestral. Now lay down your wing was torn off so you need to..."

"My wing was what?!?!" Rainbow said sitting up in a panic before being pushed back into her bed.

"You're wing was torn off, but my husband reattached it." She explained. She then pulled out a stack of cards from behind her and asked." Would you like to pick a card?"

"Uhh... no..." Rainbow said unsure of how to respond to this mares randomness." Aren't you supposed to be a nurse?"

"Nope I'm just here to make sure you don't hurt yourself anymore than you are. So want to pick a card now?"

"We're is Soarin?"

"Uhg, you're no fun!" the mare groaned." My husband is looking over him, something about him being over exhausted."

"Can I see Soarin please?" she asked

"Not till my husband is done taking care of him. You can't meet him because the readers like to call him a Gary Stue." She says with an eye roll. Rainbow just look confused.' She's almost as crazy as Pinky Pie.'

"Right.... um can I at least see Scootaloo?"

"Sure!" The mare says cheerfully before skipping off into the other room.

Soarin slowly limped his way into the next room with his back left leg in a splint. As he trotted into the room he saw the mare of his affection. Even while covered in bandages she still looked beautiful. She was hugging Scootaloo and hadn't noticed him come in. The orange filly saw him standing there awkwardly, so she pointed towards him and dash turned to look at him. They all sat in silence for a good minute until Soarin ran forward and hugged the cyan mare. "I'm so glad you are okay," he said as tears began to fall.

"I'm glad to." she sniffed trying her best to hold back her tears. " I was afraid I wasn't going to tell you."

"Tell me what?"

"Soarin.... I'm pregnant!" Rainbow blurted out. Soarin stood there dumbstruck.

"I-I'm going to be a father?" He asked still shocked by the news. Dash only nodded. A massive grin spread across his muzzle." I'M GOING TO BE A DAD!" He cheered happily causing Scootaloo and Rainbow to giggle at his goofy smile."Dashie..."

"Yeah?" She asked. Soarin took Dash's front hooves in his before kneeling down the best he could with his injuries. " I love you more than any mare. I fought that monster knowing full well that I would likely die just so I could protect you, and I would do it again if I had to. Rainbow Dash will you marry me?"

The end....?

Author's Note:

Well here it is a one shot that took me a total of 1 hour worth of time to write. Yeah it's crap I did the best I could to put everything into one chapter.

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Comments ( 10 )

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Aeluna

Aeluna #1 · Oct 5th, 2016 · · ·

Sadly, I have to say that this fic, though potentially interesting, falls far from its potential. It is laced with typos, grammatical errors and confusingly long sentences. In the end, I gave up reading because you had, quite frankly, left me feeling lost.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but I'd hate for you to not realise this. It has great potential with a little work, just make sure to read it through to yourself before publishing (and don't just rely on spell check—while it may change typos, you can't guarantee it will change the typo to the word you want).

Phoenix Nebula

Phoenix Nebula #2 · Oct 5th, 2016 · · ·

7619810
I looked over it and did check for typos. Can you point out were I messed up so I can improve?

King Kitty II

King Kitty II #3 · Oct 6th, 2016 · · ·

I liked it. Especially the fourth wall break. I love fourth wall breaks.

Phoenix Nebula

Phoenix Nebula #4 · Oct 6th, 2016 · · ·

7620768

Glad you liked it!

Aeluna

Aeluna #5 · Oct 6th, 2016 · · ·

7620239

The typos are the minor issue here, though they're in the summary as well which is a major no-no. But I'll give a few examples...

For a start, the formatting is iffy in places, for example the very first paragraph. You'll see what I mean.

Next, you switch tenses in places. A few published authors have arguably done this well, but for the most part it makes reading clunky. For example, "Dust blew past him," is past tense. "A voice yells" is present.

Next, there's confusing sentences much like this one:

"The stallion looks in the direction of the streak to see a little orange filly laying motionless on the ground with a terrifying beast so terrifying he could not describe it beyond having several limbs protruding from its grey body."

Now, with a lot of effort this can be understood, but readers don't want to put in effort. Readers just want to read as opposed to tear apart in order to understand. Furthermore, it just sounds... odd. I mean, "a terrifying beast so terrifying" just seems amateurish. Describe it as a terrifying beast, sure, but don't cop out by saying it was too terrifying to describe. That just shows lack of thought. You could really overwhelm your readers here, as opposed to underwhelming them as you do. Other parts were underwhelming too, for example, "he slammed into the ground... But he got up." If you want to immerse your readers, you need to consider word choice carefully or things don't seem all that risky. I mean, he hardly sounds injured here.

Also, if you are adding a "(the mare/the creature/she/he/etc) said" (or a variation of "said") after speech then you don't use a capital, the exception being for names. Let me illustrate...

"I will kill you!" [uSoarin cried.

"I will kill you!" the stallion cried.

"I will kill you!" The stallion turned away and swung his sword.

You also have trouble with commas, but I can't point each of these out. You would need to get an actual editor to go through it to fix this up (and, annoyingly, it is one of the biggest issues). Other rpthan that, you also need to vary sentence length. When each sentence is written with eight syllabus, for example, it becomes very dull and monotone.

Hope this helps.

Phoenix Nebula