• Member Since 25th Mar, 2016
  • offline last seen Feb 8th, 2020

zman123


Sequels1

  • ENew beginning.
    Having finally been pardoned of her crime by Celestia, Lightning is left in the care of Fluttershy and friends in the hope that she will be able to start anew. But as Lightning sadly learned, wounds can heal but scars remain.
    zman123 · 9.8k words · 520 views
T

Charged with intention to kill and culpable ponycide, Lightning is sentenced to life without parole in a cruel,sadistic prison. Beaten, maimed and tortured daily, never able to escape this state, it seems this is one story with no triumphant end. But just who would show even the slightest sympathy to a guilty prisoner who deserves no sympathy. Who would have enough kindness to even remotely care?
(Lightning x Fluttershy)

Chapters (14)
Comments ( 28 )

...Damn. This is just sad. Please continue this.:pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by HoneyBadgerr deleted Oct 6th, 2016

Okay while short it did convay the message that she wants to forgive everyone she'd hurt. So I give it a two thumbs up and a heart:heart:

It's very interesting to read keep up a good work it has my full attention now keep up the good work update more soon. :twilightsmile:

:rainbowderp: WWWWWWWHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT?!

Overall this story isn't bad. It's not perfect, but it is an interesting take on what happened to Lightning Dust.

The one off-putting thing is the Rainbow Dash is a he. I know you said that that came from a theory you had about the show, but it's something you just dropped in here with no real explanation. In the future, you might want to elaborate on stuff like that.

I think the story is very interesting to read I hope you write more of the story it has my full attention now update soon I was wondering is there a pairing in this story just was curious :twilightsmile:

I returned home, knowing I would have to wait until darkness fell before returning here.
I headed upstairs to sleep, unable to bring myself to look at the unconscious Lightning Dust as I trudged up the stairs to my bedroom.
She was better now that her injuries had been bandaged and she had recieved some CPR, but there was still no guarantee she would get through this. And there was even less guarantee that when she woke up, her wings or muscles would be anything as good as what they once were.
The thought of Lightning Dust sitting in a wheelchair, unable to walk, let alone fly while she had to be content watching as other Pegasi soared past her on their merry way was not a pleasant one. And knowing how strong Lightning Dust valued her dream of being a Wonderbolt, I doubted that was the kind of life she wanted to lead.
Tears blurred my vision as I closed my trembling eyes to enjoy a brief moment of rest before carrying out the rest of my immoral heist.

This whole section could be turned into one paragraph. They all share the subject of Fluttershy coming home and thinking about Lightning's condition. You do this a few times throughout this chapter, causing it to look chopped up. As a general rule, only change paragraphs when changing subjects or speakers. Also, the word in bold is misspelled.

"Hi there Fluttershy" she said with a cheerful , "so nice to finally see you again. I'm sorry I was away in Canterlot for longer than I expected." |"Well I'm not glad to see you Twilight sadly" I thought but I kept my thoughts to myself.

"she said with a cheerful" makes no sense and that comma makes Twilight's part a run-on sentence. You should just say "she said cheerfully" then end the sentence. You have a few run-on sentences in this chapter, so you should go back and fix them. Also, since you change speakers , you should start a new paragraph at the '|'.

"You seem sad Fluttershee. Is there anything I could do to make you feel better".

You misspelled Fluttershy here and right below it too. Also, that period at the end shouldn't be there and there should be a question mark after "better" and inside the quotation marks. Be careful about punctuation and how to use it.

She would ignore me, too engrossed in her studies she had yet to do to please the mentor that sent her to Ponyville. She was the same as when I first laid eyes on her back in season 1.

This is a fourth-wall break. If this was a silly, random comedy those could be acceptable. However, since this is a serious drama, they are not. Instead, you should say "She was the same as when she first arrived in Ponyville" or something to that effect.

Finally, the reasons why Fluttershy doesn't like Twilight seem out of character for Twilight. I know there haven't been many interactions between these two, but canon Twilight doesn't ignore her friends as much as you claim.

I really like this concept and I want to see it done well, but the errors in grammar and Out-Of-Character moments make this story less enjoyable. Work on these issues, and this story, as well as future stories, will improve.

ANother god chapter, can't wait for more!

Finally she's awake. Keep it up pal.:heart:

:twilightsmile: yay lighting dust is awake keep up the good work update more soon.

"Yes. Yes I trust you. I trust you with my life." I meant it. I trusted Lightning Dust much more than I trusted Twilight or any of my other friends. And I trusted that had Rainbow Dash not made that cloud to save us from the fall, Lightning Dust would have saved us instead. Till this day I wished it was Lightning Dust who saved us first.

Fluttershy trusts somepony who she didn't even have a chance to talk to, (who's first impression was nearly killing her and her friends without regret) more than she trusts her friends.

I think I know what's going on now. The character we know as Fluttershy in this story isn't actually Fluttershy. This story's Fluttershy is actually you. Everything she's been saying, has been your take on all of the scenes she's been describing. She even outright lies to the pony that she says she trusts more than anything.

And of course, this story loves to keep making jabs like this:

"There's no point in going back to Spitfire, she'll probably just arrest you again without giving a flying feather about what you have to say. Same with Rainbow Dash (Who I badly hate)"

And we have yet to be given any real reason as to why, other than your personal takes. Not Fluttershy's.

Love the story concept, love the characterization of Lightning, please please please update soon! :)

7779968 Don't you hate when your comments don't get a response?

7729892 I think the sentence is supposed to be read like this:

((Rainbow Dash) and (the bullies who would pester and torment me to no end) could both best be described as stainless steel)

Good chapter like normal, keep it up, and Merry Christmas! :pinkiehappy:

Okay. This just got interesting.

She went along with my plan to create that tornado and if she hadn't helped me, the tornado wouldn't have been so serious. So why was she not punished?"
"Because she apologised. She felt regret and you didn't"

That is SO not what Rainbow Dash did. She not only took responsibility for her actions and save her friends from plummeting to their death, she also went to Spitfire's office, told her off for how the Wonderbolts were pushing their students, and then turned in her badge to quit the Academy. Rainbow Dash didn't just apologize, she took action and told the Wonderbolts off for their wrong ways.

The only reason why Rainbow's still in the Wonderbolts is because Spitfire caught up to her before she left, saying that she was right, and the Wonderbolts were wrong. There's no such thing as a bad student. There are only bad teachers. That's exactly what Spitfire is. And to be honest, I can believe this about Spitfire.

But in the end, Rainbow Dash was the only student who had the guts to stand up to their bad teacher.

Well, at least Lightning doesn't have to go back to jail now. Phew.

Finally getting off your flank and doing something Celestia.

Comment posted by Cytotoxin deleted Aug 4th, 2017

Rainbow dash was mentioned as male alot , but besides that it's great so far!!

Rainbow Dash is a girl. Why do you keep using male pronouns for her?

Other than that, this story catches my interest.

These are times I wonder wtf celesta is doing

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