April 22
"Its not just about pushing ourselves. But about pushing ourselves in the right direction" said Spitfire, facing me with a look of pure hatred.
Transfixed by her piercing glare, I say nothing and only nod.
"You are dismissed" she continued angrily "you soiled the good wonderbolt name and nearly killed five innocent ponies with your reckless behaviour".
I nodded once more. Words were redundant and would mean nothing to the teacher I had just let down.
I turned to leave but before I could take three steps, strong hoofs grabbed me and held me tightly.
The guards who held me tighter than ever dragged me outside where Spitfire, my partner Rainbow Dash and the five ponies who my tornado nearly killed were already standing.
I opened my mouth to apologise but one of the guards held a hand over my mouth, drowning out my words with his iron grip. "Not a word" he grumbled "Or it'll be all the worse for you".
The guards held me there for a few seconds so that every pony in the courtyard had the chance to have a good long look at the reckless fiend who deserved no mercy in their eyes.
Then with one fluid like movement, Spitfire ripped my badge from my uniform and with another movement, motioned the guards and me away.
I looked at Spitfire one last time. I resisted the urge to frown, cry or clench my teeth as for the last time I looked at the mentor who had given me so much. She would always be my hero, even though I knew exactly what she meant by a punishment.
The guards led me away. I followed knowing that they were bigger and stronger than me and that if I stopped walking, they would simply drag me instead. A crowd of other cadets roared with excitement as the guards continued to lead me away and one cursed me as he threw a large stone. The stone struck me hard in the eye but the guilt I felt for endangering so many innocent lives and failing to give an apology or any sign of regret to those I wronged had made me numb and I felt nothing at all.
The last sound I heard as the world turned black around me, was the loud jeering of every pony in the academy as they celebrated.
Then there was darkness.
Darkness and nothing more. So this is what being dead was like.
A soft melodious whisper whose words I could not make out sounded from the darkness. But I was dead, or was I.
No, there it was again, louder this time but still, I could not understand a word it said.
Again. There it was once more, a soft pleading voice which seemed to be begging me to stay and trying to caress and comfort me. But still, I could not understand a word.
It was then that light slowly began to come back into my vision, first in a trickle but then in a flood.
The light was blinding for a pony who spent so long wrapped in darkness only interrupted by nightmarish visions that came and went and I blinked several times as my eyes slowly relearned the feeling of light and my retina nearly frazzled out from seeing so much light after so long trapped in darkness.
And as light returned, the gentle voice seemed to get clearer and louder until eventually I could just about discern what it was trying to say.
"She's awake, give her some room!" it shouted. But my happiness was short lived. I knew what would come next and braced myself for another smack of the iron that would surely take what little life I had away from me.
"No more" I pleaded softly despite knowing my pleas were useless "No more. One more strike and you'll have no one to torture tomorrow. "
"No more" I whimpered softly expecting the painful impact of the iron at any second "You've already broken every bone in my body and crippled me for life. Please, just this once. No more. No more"
I closed my eyes once more, waiting for the strike which was sure to come any second and knock me back into blackness.
"Please, don't be scared. You're among friends Lightning Dust. No one's going to hurt you, I promise". The voice was the same one I heard before. It was a gentle voice that invited confidence without demanding it. And it certainly wasn't the voice of the guards.
Very cautiously, I opened my eyes once more and leaned upwards very slightly to behold for the first time the speaker whose soothing voice I would occasionally hear in the unknown amount of time I had blacked out for. It was a gentle voice, that pleaded with me not to go yet.
Two shining blue eyes, clearly filled with concern looked back at me.
I blinked twice more expecting at any second to find this all to be another illusion and to wake up back in my cell.
When nothing happened, I very cautiously dared a smile still half filled with disbelief.
"Its alright Lightning Dust. It's alright" she said, running her hoof through my mane.
Now finally safe in the knowledge that this was not all in my imagination and that no one was about to strike me again with an iron bar, I managed in a strained voice to ask where I was.
"This is my cottage" replied the pink maned pony as she continued to pat me gently as if to reassure me.
"What happened?" I asked in the strongest voice I could muster in my weakened state. I felt I had to know.
"I found you bleeding and weak in the forest" she explained anxiously "You were so badly hurt and I thought you would never make it. I'm so glad you've finally made it. I was beginning to think you'd never wake up again"
And that was when the mental block that seemed to take from me all capacity of thought began to shatter. I saw the guard's anger as he lost control and began to strike me harder than ever and eventually into unconsciousness. I remembered how, through dazed eyes I saw the guards as they hauled me out of the prison and threw me onto the rough soil of the forest, thinking there was no way I would survive.
"Help" I remember myself whispering weakly, knowing none would come. I had earned the freedom I never thought to have, but it had cost me my life. And then there was silence.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized just how much the pony I now faced had given me and how none of them were things I deserved after doing so much wrong.
"How long have I been here" I asked, looking at her with newfound respect and gratitude.
"Nearly a month" she replied modestly and carefully. "I was beginning to think you'd never wake up again, and I was so worried"
I was at a loss for words. She acted like it was nothing despite the fact she had just saved my life, a life that did not deserve saving to me. She had stayed here for almost a month, trying to bring me back from death's door and she acted like it was no big deal. That was big of her.
I bit my lip shyly before I could bring myself to reply "th, thank you" I cried, nearly breaking into tears which I had to struggle to force back. "you didn't have to do all that."
"You were in need. It was my duty to help you when you needed it."
It took another few seconds of awkward silence before I could speak again. "Please. Tell me your name?"
"When I was young, I was teased a lot" she sighed, clearly upset at being asked a question she had had to answer many times before "the bullies would laugh at me so much and call me so many mean and horrible names that I forgot what my real name was. So I guess, I guess I don't know".
I nodded sadly, trying to empathize with her. "So, what should I call you?"
She had to think for a while before replying. "Well... I guess you could call me Fluttershy. It's not my real name but it's the least hurtful name the bullies called me, and it's the only name I've had for a long time"
I nodded once more sadly, already feeling a kinship with this pony who I was beginning to recognize more and more from the broken fragments of my scattered memory. I had seen her somewhere before, I was sure of it.
"I, I remember you" I cautiously stated, choosing my words carefully so as not to offend the pony who I owed all I was worth to "I, I've met you somewhere. But, but I'm not sure where. I'm, I'm sorry"
"Yes" she explained nodding sympathetically "I saw you while you were still in prison. I promised myself that I would come back and save you, but, but I was too late. By the time I came back for you, I found you bleeding and I was so afraid. I, I am sorry. I should have come back sooner"
"Don't be" I protested "You came in time. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be alive now. But, but that's not what I meant. We met before that, but I don't quite remember where"
"If you mean at the Wonderbolt's academy, then yes. I was one of the ponies involved in the tornado and one of Rainbow Dash's friends."
At the mention of the tornado and Rainbow Dash, the pain and shame I felt in that moment only trebled and I was unable to help myself as a single tear leaked from my already soggy eyes. Painful memories which had began to dissipate in my coma were resurfacing even more.
I opened my mouth to apologize profusely but she cut me off. "I forgive you" she chimed in. "I forgave you a long time ago."
"You shouldn't forgive me. I, I'm not a good pony."
"You're not a bad pony" she chided, slightly crossly though not at me for some reason "you just made some bad decisions. I'm not the element of honesty, but to be honest it was partly our fault too. If we hadn't been so careless and flown our balloon here at such a bad time, none of this would have happened. And to be completely fair, Rainbow Dash helped make the tornado as well so it was partly her fault too."
"It wasn't Rainbow Dash's fault. Rainbow Dash might have helped make the tornado but it was my idea"
"But Rainbow Dash could have talked you out of it or refused to take part, neither of which she did. So don't feel too bad, please. Not all of it was your fault and Spitfire should have realized that"
The room seemed to drop several degrees in temperature as I began to shiver uncontrollably. "Spitfire" I muttered sorrowfully, but this time unable to cry "I let Spitfire down. I was reckless."
"Which Spitfire neglected to tell you until it was too late" declared Fluttershy angrily, it was amazing how a pony who seemed so mild tempered at first sight enraged this quickly "And when she did get it into her head that the so called "reckless behavior" was bad, she did nothing to try and show you how to do better. She simply dropped you like a piece of rubbish even though she told you all this time that you were doing so well. How fickle. How very, very fickle"
"It wasn't Spitfire's fault." I argued weakly, trying to deny that Spitfire was anything like what Fluttershy just said "Spitfire was a good teacher and I was just a bad student"
"Spitfire makes mistakes just like you"
"No. No. No... Just no. Only bad ponies like me make mistakes. Good ponies like Rainbow Dash and you don't. Stop trying to make me feel better. You're only saying that because you're good and I am bad. You just want to comfort me"
Fluttershy looked me in the eye and her tone was both grave and serious. "I made mistakes" she confessed, looking me sharply in the eye "I made a lot of mistakes. The "nice and friendly" pony you see before you as your savior and friend, was not always like this. To say I was once mean and horrible wouldn't even begin to describe how many bad mistakes I made"
She continued to deliver her sermon, each word clearly carefully chosen and spoken with full emotion despite her monotone voice "Do you know Twilight Sparkle?"
I nod gently and shrug,. "They were talking about her becoming the new princess of friendship and being made an Alicorn by Celestia. I heard them from my cell"
What Fluttershy said next surprised me in more ways than one. "Twilight Sparkle hated the idea of friends once. Even when her closest friend sent her an invitation to a very important gathering, she would refuse"
"Why would she do that?" I could not stop myself from asking.
"Friends interfered with her studies and she thought her studies were more important to her than anything else. Twilight was a very antisocial pony who liked to be left in peace alone"
"But they made her the princess of friendship..."
"They did. After Twilight was asked to give friendship a try by her mentor, she came here and met us. We were very distant at first but gradually... things got better between us and we got closer together as friends"
"She, met you?" I sputtered uncontrollably, quickly slapping myself in the mouth as the words came out. There was clearly more to this kind, friendly pony than met the eye. It was difficult to believe that a pony this humble and meek could in fact be one of the "mane six", the well known group princess Twilight and her closest friends were hailed as.
"Yes. I know her personally. I was one of the ponies she chose to help defeat Nightmare moon." From the way she spoke, this was clearly the first time she had told this story to anyone and from the way her eyes darted around the room, it seemed she wanted me and me alone to hear what she was saying. But why?
The guards spoke of a group of ponies who used the elements of harmony to defeat Nightmare moon and then many other dangerous threats that nearly ruined Equestria. They would discuss it among themselves loudly while they ate in the mass hall so that I could not help but hear.
And sometimes they would tease me about it. "If only you could be more like those ponies" the guard would sneer as he took out his lunch and ate it in front of me not giving me even a crumb "The world needs ponies like those. Ponies who are loyal, honest, generous, kind and most importantly, ponies that can spread the magic of friendship and keep us safe and happy. I'm glad you're here in prison. Ponies like you aren't worth the space they take up. I'm glad you're here in prison. You don't deserve friends. I can't think of one pony who would want to be friends with a filthy urchin like you."
Then he would smash my face in, and laugh "I'm sure even Princess Twilight would hate you if she ever saw you."
"So... you used the elements of harmony?" I cautiously whispered. Curiosity had gotten the better of me and I shielded my face with my hooves hoping no offense would be taken.
"That's right. Twilight's become much more social now and much more open."
"But she was so antisocial and closed before..."
"She got better. Just as I'm sure you would have gotten better if Spitfire didn't throw you in prison and actually gave you a chance instead"
I jaw dropped and I simply lay still, my eyes wide open. This was a lot to take in and I needed a few minutes in silence to let it all sink in. So did Fluttershy really think I too could change so drastically. Did, did Fluttershy really think I had any good in me at all despite the many terrible things I did with my past. But I had been told my whole life what to do and what to say. No pony showed me there might be some better way.
So did Fluttershy really believe I could become so much better like some pony else.
Fluttershy had clearly read my mind as she rested her hoof on my shoulder gently. "You wanted to be some pony else Lightning. You want to be a better pony even more now that you realize the full extent of what you did. I can help you Lightning. I can help you be the pony you want to be"
I shook my head.
"I've seen dishonest ponies become the element of honesty. I've seen ponies who never smiled and who were prepared to spend the rest of their unfulfilling life doing a boring and hard job that would give them no joy become the bringer of joy and laughter and the best party thrower and most smiley pony around. I've even seen a broken sociopath prepared to ruin the world to take revenge on Twilight become one of Twilight's closest friends" she replied, her voice filled with conviction. "You can change. You want to change. I believe in you. You can show the world you're not evil. I know you can"
I tried to thank her for her kind words but only succeeded in letting out a weak cough.
"Rest" she ordered as she lay my sore head back onto the pillow and patted me softly "you're still weak, you still need some rest"
I nodded and with my last ounce of breath, asked her if I could have something to eat or drink now that I was awake as I was very famished.
She nodded and flew to her cellar, returning a moment later with a much full of what appeared to be frothy, thick cider. The kind you would wait in line several hours for just so you could get your taste of the heavenly stuff before it ran out and you had to wait another long and tedious year for another chance at getting any.
"Drink this" she said. "It'll make you feel better. I have to go to town for something very important, but I'll be back before evening with some more food for you" She smiled at me as she left the room promising to be back before I knew it and not to leave me for very long.
Fluttershy's encouraging words rang in my mind as clear as a bell as I slowly began to sip the divine beverage, each sip warming my freezing body to the core. I vowed to myself that this would be the last time I made a reckless decision. If Fluttershy, the pony I owed my life to believed I had it in me to improve then I would believe with her.
I would prove to the world one day, for Fluttershy's sake more than my own, that I was not evil. That I sort of had a heart. And mostly that somewhere deep down I still had feelings and as much flesh and blood as the next pony.
Drowsiness washed over me once more as I sipped the last bit of cider in the mug and placed it beside me, and I smiled once more softly as I fell asleep. My last thought as sleep came was that if I spent the rest of my life thanking fate for the mercy it gave to a disgraced and worthless creature like me, it would still not be enough.