- Member Since 26th May, 2012
- offline last seen Tuesday
CodenameOne
Eleven years of fun, memories, and friends. Thank you to everyone for everything!
CodenameOne
Joined 26th May, 2012 ·
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No comment in two days? Jeez.
Well, I did just now find this. Let me read it, then I will get back to you.
7458530 Actually I posted this story this morning. I just finished writing it two days ago. But yeah, no comments is fairly disappointing. Particularly since my other clopfics got massive amounts of traffic.
7458565 like I said, let me read it. Then you will get my opinion.
7458569 Aces. Hope you like it!
MMMMMMM TASTY 10/10 IGN
Sequel
A solid 7/10. It had a lot of potential to be longer, but was squandered on such a quick sex scene. Brilliantly written, by the way. It has its fair share of errors, but I'll get more into those when I'm not using my shitty phone, and have a chance to get onto my computer.
7466046 I'm open to criticism, so don't hesitate to let me know how you felt. I do agree that the actual clop was too short, but I meant this story to be more erotica and about the interaction between Luna and anon/the reader, rather than just sex. Although the original draft was about 700 words shorter than the final story, so make of that what you will. Altogether this was a bit of a learning experience for me since this was my first 2nd person clopfic, so I got a bit to learn. Still, thank you bunches for reading!
7468390 The only prominent, consistent error(s) I found were to this effect:
On principal, you should really have punctuation suiting the structure of the dialogue and sentence, and in the highlighted example, you'd need a comma.
That aside, you've got Luna behaving somewhat like Fluttershy, but with more anti-social behaviour. It didn't sit right with me; it seemed rather OOC for Luna.
7468417 Thanks for the heads up on the grammar. I'll see about fixing it later today.
As far as Luna's characterization here, although it is not explicitly stated in the story, I intended this to take place pre-Nightmare(there are subtle hints to this, like how Luna does not have an ethereal mane but rather a conventional one, and her line "No one appreciates the Night as they do the Day..."), and it's widely believed Luna was less confident(and almost canon that she had low self-esteem) back then. That's why she's so meek and shy.
7468517 is their going to be a sequel?
Damn, this was pretty sweet dude, nice work on this!
I approve of this, good show!