Dear Someone, I Discord you so!

by Lise

Dear Someone

The mail came sometime during the night. Without warning, Ponyville dawned to hundreds of letters addressed to every single one of its inhabitants. Appearing on top of every pillow, the mismatched envelopes announced their presence by having a set of horns trumpet their arrival. Written in italic on the upper left corner was a cryptic 2 U -D with a name added underneath. The name was different for every recipient; the message, however, was exactly the same...

Dear Someone,

I Discord you, or so it would seem. Interesting letter you sent me. You do know I have a daughter, right? Did you even bother thinking about her feelings? I expect not! You just 'waltzed' in my home like a deranged postal worker and !! Not only !, but also !!! and ...! Did you ever ??? what might happen? No, it's all about you. Always about you! You, U, and w/2! Next time, I'm making you pay for all the cookies it took to dry her vanilla tears (she was so upset she couldn't even cry chocolate!)!

Oh, and don't think I didn't notice you at the Gala! Btw fyi iirc it was Celestia who invited me! And don't start trashing her this soon! You haven't even moved in, and you're already acting like an evil step-ladder! Did I mention I have a daughter? Make that two! (Funny thing about that — the actual reason Luna was banished to the moon was that she and. It's best if we don't go into that for now. Let's just say that there are some major differences between what happened and the version you were taught at school, and leave it at that.)

Right, the Gala. Well, I may have been a tad upset, but even my dear friend Fluttershy Smooze would understand. And Fluttershy and I are just friends! I have no idea who told you otherwise (and when I catch that bunny I'll roast him!), but there haven't been any 'advances' on my part. As for Fluttershy — do not go there! Yes, I know, it's a burden I am fated to carry. Curse my perfect self, for my beauty is the cause of all wars in Equestria. Even So Ti others have been unable to resist my charms.

I have noticed you, by the way. You glance at me when you think nopony's looking, hide your feelings under that facade of yours. Talking about feelings, oh boy, quite the mess you’ve gotten yourself into. Your love life! It's so absurd, it's actually amusing! You know it won't work out! Is that what this is about? You want to get your future-ex-SO jealous, by flirting with me? Are you so heartless?! Why, you really !!! me, and I mean !!! me hard!

(Psst! I'll have a cloud 'randomly' rain roses and candles tomorrow round six. *winkyface* If Celestia asks — you don't know a thing!)

Onto serious matters. Screwball has been asking if you could give her lessons. I think this is a perfect opportunity for her to get to know you. (Hint: no screw or ball jokes! She's heard her quota for the week.) Maybe get a small gift to make her warm up to having you as a parent. I won't ask for much, just some chaos emeralds, a bunny tail, a slice of purple and the nineteenth page of your favourite book. Oh, and something shiny for Screwball. Don't worry about my other sweetie — she is still in her goth phase, so she probably won't bother you, as long as you don't dream.

How will you break the news to your friends? Not that's in my business or anything. It's your choice, decision and all that, but take it from me — nothing cushions the pain better than a house of cake. Cake and ice cream heal all hearts. (Why do you think Celestia is obsessed with cake? Don't quote me on that! She is a bit touchy on the subject.). Also, I'd love to help you in the matter, but I'll have some terribly urgent and unforeseen business to attend to whenever you decide to come clean about me. Rest assured, mum's the word *nudge* *nudge* *wink* *wink*.

Brown really suits you, you know. Don't let anypony tell you otherwise! Although, It's going to take both of us some getting used to things. You are so much used to harmony, while I am Discord! (Yes, it's a horrible pun, but don't try to pretend you didn't chuckle! Aww! And now you are blushing.) Compromises will have to be made, I guess. I'll make sure you get a boring order-bound bed at my place, but be warned I prefer to sleep on the ceiling! Also you better learn how to snore properly! Those sounds you make in your sleep — sheesh! Horrible! Worse than horrible! (Don't ever stop.)

Well, that's that, I guess. Sweet dreams and don't blush too much.

Oooh! (That's triple the Os)

—Discord

P.S. You really shouldn't be ashamed of playing with dolls. It's perfectly natural, and not something to be kept secret. Why, I myself have been playing with puppets for centuries! There's even a picture of me in Celestia's throne room. She made a big fuss about it at the time. It was all about me 'acting my age' and not playing with dolls and such. I wasn't even given the chance to explain they were rare action figure collectibles. (On that note — no marriage! Fool me once — shame on you! Fool me twice — shame on me! In any event, we'll discuss this later!)

And just because your dolls are girly dolls is no reason to keep them hidden away. (I'll have a cloud 'randomly' rain dolls near you around nine. If Luna asks — you know nothing!)

A total silence fell over the town, as ponies gasped in utter horror and confusion. Several voices broke the calm, filling the streets with shouts of "Noooooo!". Meanwhile, a small pink cloud sneakily made its way through the sky, pouring roses and candles all over the houses as it flew by.

Comments

[Harmony Pie]

I really want to know: who wrote Discord the letters?!

Gah! I need to know!

[RazDelacroix]

. . . Well, only one way to respond to that and fairly judge Discord's actions.

Dear Discord,

[Lise]

6845301 :)

[Lise]

6845309 Wow! Haven't heard that song in quite a while :))) Thanks :D

[LightningSword]

A delightfully silly continuation. A like for you.

[Siras-chi]

So now I'm guessing either Twilight or Big Mac...Yeah, I went there.

[Bambi]

I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't the couch.

[Night Music]

Plot Still Spike

[D48]

Oh god, what the hell Discord.

Appearing on top of every pillow, the mismatched envelopes announced their presence by a having a set of horns trumpet their arrival.

And then the flower trio screamed and fainted without reading their letters.

[mrkillwolf666]

so...it's Spike

[EverfreeSparkle]

Dolls? I want to say Spike, but the letter heavily implied that it was either Twilight, Rarity, or Rainbow Dash.

[Lise]

6845969 :D Thank you :) Glad you enjoyed :)

[The Devious Writer]

...mum's the word...

INSTANT DISLIKE CALLLED THE COPS

[Lise]

6845995 Wait what?! This was not in the script... :)

[Lise]

6846086 Shhh! You want the whole world to hear? :P

[Lise]

6846234 Busted! You forgot the plushies, thought :)

[Lise]

6846237 The horror! :D

[Falx_of_Lume]

My money's still on Twilight.

[Lise]

6846273
6846295

Those are not the only dolls shown. Also it could be only the implication that gets creatures to act out :)

On a side note already working on a reveal :D

[Lise]

6846348 Dramatic music!

[Lise]

6846365 Applejack still gets no love? Ouch... :)

[Night Music]

6846353 Shit! Ah well, I guess I'll never know.

[Lise]

6846430 Never is a strong word :)

[EverfreeSparkle]

6846366 I consider dolls and stuffed animals as separate. Is Discord speaking as if they are synonymous?

[Lise]

6846570 Oops. Yes he is. Rather referring to dolls, actually.

[nebulaegalaxy]

Still think Twi.

[Lise]

6847054 :) No takers for Luna either? :)

[nebulaegalaxy]

6847110 She was my second guess, but she doesn't live in Ponyville.

[Lise]

6847118 :) Just joking it is not Luna this time (that much I can confirm).

[Philosophysics]

6845797 WHO IS IT!?

[Lise]

6848005 It isn't Cadence either :)

[Philosophysics]

6848024 Pinkie Pie?

[applecannon]

applejack? "brown suits you" just a guess :/

[NewKerbalEmpire]

IT IS PINKIE PIE YOU DOLTS!

[Guardians-of-chaos]

Real One: Oh great, I still didn't get all the pieces of my sanity, you know what? Fuck my sanity! I will get insane if you don't say who made the original letter! Maybe you could do another fic with everypony answering to Discord's letters!
Hells Fire: Hey Real, you got mail.
Real One: Wait what? In the Basilisk? She doesn't have a mail box.
-reads letter, well, at least the "4 U -D" part-
Real One: How did Discord send me this letter? And why? If I wanted to send a rant about my chosen one not noticing me I would send a text through my phone!
Hells Fire: So, why don't you send that for the Princess of Hell?
Real One: And having Magmor send his soldats to get me and cut my balls off? No, thanks.

[Lise]

6849631 Interestingly enough that was the plan :)
Seven Scrolls For Discord :)

[Lise]

6848123
6848977

Always a possibility :)

[Lise]

6848746 yay :) Thanks for believing in Applejack :)

[Nates 56th Brock]

It's Twilight. I bet. And if you no make it Twi i'll kill you! It was so long since i had a good DiscoLight (TwiCord) story so don't you dare!
I'm kidding, PLEEEEAAAASE make it Twilight. For Discord's sake! It gotta be Twilight by everything we heard in those two letters IT IS TWILIGHT!

[Lise]

6850081 The sender was determined during the first letter :) What is will be.

[Philosophysics]

6849852 I'm assming there shall be a thirdqueL?

[Lise]

6850237 You assume correctly :)

"Seven Scrolls For Discord" - seven replies are sent,among them the author.

The I really need to get back to Vinyl

[Philosophysics]

6850244 Wait/ You have a Vinyl story?

[Lise]

6850249 :) Yes, and you comment on it frequently :P

[Philosophysics]

6850267 Thank you. I just hate cliffhangers.

[Lise]

6851423 :)

[Philosophysics]

6851586 God damn it. THere's another cliffhanger no?

[Zeyon The Green]

Discord handled it like a pro.

[Lise]

6851618 Patience :)

[Lise]

6853989 :) He's had experience :D