The Legend of Private Apple Applefly

by R5h

Epilogue: The Legend Lies

In a town with no name worth speaking of stood an old ramshackle house. It had become slightly miskept not from neglect, but from love—the love of two old owners who couldn’t see the flaws anymore. (And not just because of uncorrected eyesight problems.) The faded, slightly-singed paint was chipped at the edges like the dog-earing of a beloved book, but whereas a book might have little notes in the margins, this home stored dusty trophies, ribbons, and certificates.

There was a trophy for “First Place in Six-Legged Triathlon”, next to a certificate of lifelong banning from the event for “Victory Makeouts”. Newspaper clippings, framed on the wall, bore such headlines as “Wonderbolt Sergeant Suspected of Pastriphilia; Private Investigators Turn Up Heat”, and “National Hero Sued for Part in Raindiation Disaster”. Beneath all these, older and dustier than them all, lay a once-shining medal for “Special Services to the Equestrian Crown, in Recognition of the Single-Hoofed Rout of a Griffon Invasion In Which Definitely No Unicorns Were Involved”.

“Close the door outside, would you?” said one old gray mare, though to call her merely gray would be a disservice even if technically true. Her hair had once held every shade of the rainbow, but now it embodied the entire grayscale. Her coat, in a similar fashion, was a timeworn blue, best found at the edge of the clear sky: even the lightning bolt on her flank appeared blunted. Then again, appearances could deceive.

Her partner tapped the door closed with a rear hoof, shutting out the lion’s share of some ruckus outside. “Too loud for old ears, R.D.?”

“I just don’t want to bother the youngsters outside.” Rainbow Dash stood and stretched like a cat in slow-motion. “Don’t want to mess up their fun….”

“While we have ours?”

Rainbow Dash chuckled. “Exactly.” Her gaze traced along the wall of the room, alighting briefly on each memento like sunlight framed by breeze-pushed clouds, until finally ending above the room’s mantle at the site of their crown jewel.

Which, funnily enough, was neither any of the jewels scattered about the shelves, nor any of the crowns. If anypony else were to see their most prized souvenir of olden times, they might have called the couple crazy—but then again, perhaps they were. Improperly disposed-of drugs, altitude sickness, and true love had a way of messing with anypony’s mind.

Dash walked over to the mantle, flapped a few times to gain height, and took the cardboard wings down from the wall. Not the old pair, which had been lost at the Battle of Camp Hiyassekyte: this newer pair had been created soon after the battle, and cut even more mismatched in size. She grabbed a roll of tape in her mouth before landing.

As she made to lift the cardboard to Applejack’s back, however, Applejack stopped her. “I was thinkin’... maybe we spice things up a bit this round.”

Rainbow Dash’s eyebrows rose. She loved it when Applejack got adventurous.

“This time….” Applejack took the cardboard in her own hoof. “How about you wear the wings?”

“You old so-and-so,” Dash laughed, turning around to let Applejack apply the wings to her own back, just above her regular ones. As Applejack made to tape them at the base, a grenade flew through the window with a tinkle of glass.

“Just a sec,” Applejack said, and calmly threw the grenade back through the hole before ducking. After the overpressure from the explosion broke the rest of their windows, she flexed her neck, brushed the shards of glass from her hair, and called through the window, “Hey, you whippersnappers! Mind being a bit more careful with your ball-games?”

“Sorry, Miss Jack!” replied a young war-painted stallion with an appropriately abashed expression. “Bad throw!”

He looked to his right and gasped, probably at an incoming squad of Unpleasantness Correction Officers coming his way in full military gear. “Dive for cover!” he yelled, and a ragged bunch of grenade-belted freedom fighters around him did just that. “Don’t give up a single inch to the regime!”

Applejack closed the drapes and smiled. “What a thoughtful young fellow. Where were we?”

“I think I know where.” With only slightly shaky hooves, Rainbow Dash finished the taping on her own, then presented herself with the aid of the room’s coffee table. “All right, Private Apple Applefly. You know the drill—one hundred laps. Get to it!”

“With pleasure. Clear the landing strip, Applefly on approach.”

Applejack kissed Rainbow Dash gently on the lips, then the cheek, then the neck, and down and down and down. The two old lovers’ laughter was soft, barely noticeable outside under the explosions, cries of pain, hooves marching in lockstep, and a gentle voice that carried over it all, propelled by massive speakers.

“We are all safer if we are all together.”

“Death to the Starlight Regime!”

“In W-Town, disruption starts and ends with you. Be the better pony and remain calm.”

“Cover me! I’m gonna try to flank them!”

“Your best friend Starlight Glimmer says: just go with it!”

Comments

[Arcanist Ascendant]

Well... it definitely stands out from the crowd. I don't know if I'm qualified to say if that's a good or bad thing.

[Carmine Blaze]

It's different for an appledash story. It's... new.
I personally don't like it but it could be worse.
3.5 out of ten

[survivor]

1/10 Sorry but, no just no.
memesvault.com/wp-content/uploads/Nope-Meme-Gif-02.gif
I had NO IDEA what was going on at all.

[FanOfMostEverything]

I don't see why people reacted so negatively to this story. It's delightfully absurd. The only issue I have with it is that Dash appears to be in Academy training while Starlight is a thing. Beyond that, this is indeed the farce to end all farces. Thank you for it.

[R5h]

8481659
Well, this was written between seasons 5 and 6. At that time, Dash was not yet a full-fledged Wonderbolt, and Starlight's redeemed personality was not 100% established, so there ya go. Glad you liked it - people certainly had their doubts about it at first.